DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Yeah that sounds major to me. Good luck for your dh. I wouldn't want anyone inviting themselves over either.

We do robotic assisted nephrectomy and just started colorectal surgery too. All major surgery.

I was going to say let her crack on, bring her camp bed and let her cook Xmas dinner.

However I've just read your other posts. Stand firm and do not let her come, for nothing else other than the risk of infection. The more people who visit, the more likely it is they will bring a big of some sort.

If he is close to his mum, he might feel comfort that she is there. Can the camp bed go in a spare room out of the way. If it's not comfortable she might decide to go home early any way.
If she ends up coming, I wouldn't put myself out for her. She can look after herself and don't feel obliged to entertain her. If you're exhausted with worry, take yourself off to sleep knowing there is someone else there to watch over your husband and make a cup of tea and snacks.
I think I would put my husbands wishes first in this case though as he's the one going through a tough time. What honestly does he want?

UK women affected by prostate cancer is a Facebook group for women only. If you ask on there you will find lots of advice on what to expect eg incontinence, pain, recovery.

Soup and bread is an excellent idea @mathanxiety.

Recommend phrase for DH to say to her "Allow me my dignity mum"

I suspect that what's going on here is that MIL is channeling her memories of what it was like to nurse toddler-sized DH through chicken pox 50 years ago and is imagining a rerun. Obviously she's worried too and can't imagine enjoying Christmas anywhere else knowing that her son is unwell and in pain and she's not doing anything to help. In her imagination post-operative adult DH is totally interchangeable with chicken-pox-toddler DH.

DH needs to gently disentangle her from that memory and remind her that he's an independent adult and doesn't massively want to be nursed by his mum but would rather be allowed to recuperate in his own home without a house guest putting extra pressure on limited bathroom facilities.

I suggest that you have a really good discussion with your DH as to whether he wants his mum to be there after his op and, if so, whether that will be very soon after it (and discuss how he will be feeling as well) or a week or so after, and take that as your starting point. If he doesn't want her or is not bothered, then let your MIL know that he really won't be up to having visitors at Christmas so you are planning Christmas at New Year (or another date that suits you) and that you would love to have her then. Also, promise to call her daily to let her know how he is - as other posters have said, she is probably just as worried about him as you are. If he really wants her there then I think you're just going to have to cope with that, but let her know you're not having Christmas and he won't be up to eating proper meals by then so you will just be having soup and sandwiches etc. and you won't be wanting anything else. As to sleeping in a different room - I think be guided by your OH. He may want you there in case he feels unwell or needs something, or just for reassurance, or he may want the whole bed to himself and to be undisturbed. If your MIL is coming then embrace the camp bed thing, but personally I think I would rather put my MIL out of the way in the spare room so that I can have the run of the house if I'm not sleeping properly. I quite understand why you are so worried but if you inform yourself of what you can both expect afterwards, and prepare for that, you will know that you have done all you can and, hopefully, that may enable you to put it away from the forefront of your mind for a few weeks and to be a little less stressed.

I thinking just say, no Christmas this year. Otherwise she is a guest who you will be running around after. I'd send my own message, saying sorry we're not doing Christmas this year and would prefer no visitors until he's recovered.

I would take his lead here, she comes Christmas Day and leaves Boxing Day

Thank you all so much for your replies - they've been really useful to read. Taking on board everything that you've all said, I think I'm well within my rights to say to No to Christmas Eve and to say just come for Christmas Day but that it won't be for a full blown Christmas dinner. I can't imagine that he will want a big plate of turkey with all the trimmings when he'll be patched up, in pain and attached to a catheter and I feel that having someone else around will be too much. So what I'm going to do is speak to a nurse on his surgical team to see if she can give me hard facts as to what he's likely to feel like when he comes out and how soon does the anaesthetic wear off etc, etc. If she says he'll need to be isolated for two weeks after the op then brilliant that's the problem solved. I hadn't actually thought about the risk of Covid afterwards. He's got to have a Covid test the Sunday before at the hospital and isolate until the op on the 22nd. I feel a bit calmer now knowing that I'm not being a mean bitch in these circumstances but I do 100% realise that it is his mum and she'll be worried about him too. The idea of having Christmas a few weeks down the line is a very good idea as he'll be over the worst of the op and should feel a lot stronger. To the posters who wondered why wouldn't I be sleeping - it's only because I can imagine myself waking up all the time and going in to check he's still alive. I'm not going to deliberately keep myself awake!! Anyway I'm forming my plan of action but more views and experiences from you all would be most welcome, 'cos as I've posted before upthread, I really have no idea what to expect. Thank you.

If it's major surgery, due to covid, he should be isolating for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after the surgery. Have the hospital not told you this?

Is his mum out and about as normal, mixing and socialising? If so that’s a very good reason to say you don’t want her in your house at the moment as your DH will have a reduced immune system due to cancer/radiotherapy.

She can visit but not stay. If she stays, then that can be in a local hotel, I think it will be too much to have anyone with you at home. Speaking from experience, you will be very tired, he will be in pain, there is no sleep and the Christmas festivities will be (very) limited

If she comes Christmas Day, ask her to bring a cooked turkey and stuffing and dessert.

Then you can throw in some Aunt Bessie potatoes and steam some veg. Do not expect your dh to join you but I hope he does, and it all goes well for you both op.

The problem with that approach, OP, is that MIL can just say "Oh I'll isolate for 2 week before, then it will be ok", things like that. If you try to justify, she'll find a work-around.

You just need to say No. It's inconvenient. It doesn't work for you. You want to be alone with him while he's recovering. That's what you need to do. Not give her options for a workaround.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn No they haven't. They've said to have a covid test on the Sunday (which they've booked in) and then to isolate until the op on the Weds. They haven't said anything about isolating afterwards as I assume he won't be able to go outside of the house for a few weeks after anyway. But this doesn't factor in people coming into the house which I want to try and avoid. I'll try and find all of this out when I ring the nurse today. It's so useful reading all these comments as there's things that I hadn't thought about but obviously need to find out about.

My husband had the full radical op last year. The number of people who told us before hand how it was a dawdle and the best type of cancer to have because it's so easy to treat! These, I have to say, were not doctors or nurses and hadn't a bloody clue.
My DH got home the day after the op with a catheter. Yes, he was up and about but walked very gingerly and had problems sitting down. He was in a lot of pain and discomfort. We slept in the same bed with no problems at all and it meant I was there if he needed me for anything.
He had no appetite at all for the first week so it was very light things he could pick at. I honestly think if I had presented him with a full Christmas dinner it would have gone in the bin. I would suggest going to M & S and getting a turkey roast and all the pre prepared stuff and your MIL can sort it for you ( or better still ask her to pick it all up for you). That way you can have your dinner and if your DH wants to sit with you he can or he can opt out.
It's perfectly understandable she is very worried about him and it sounds as though she wants to help you both. Just make it very clear it will not be your usual Christmas but any help would be very much appreciated.
With regards to the recovery, my DH was off work for 8 weeks. He was very, very tired and weak and, having been a big, strong guy who had never been in hospital in his life, found that really hard. He hated the incontinence issues and was very impatient to get back to some normality. This took almost a year and that was with physio and daily exercises- pelvic floor anyone?
We are now more than a year since his op. Thankfully the cancer was contained within the prostrate and hadn't broken through the shell. But you don't know all this until after the op and/or treatment. His PSA is now nil.
Try not to be too anxious. He's in very good hands and these doctors are fantastic. Just take it one day at a time and he'll get there. We found the specialist cancer nurse was absolutely marvellous. I'll never forget her for her help and advice. That's what helped us.
Take care and I'll be thinking of you both.

If it's major surgery your DH may not be out of hospital by Christmas. Mine was in six days for a major operation. Get DH to deal with his mother and stand firm. You don't need visitors, however well-intentioned, when he is trying to recover.

Excellent idea to check with the hospital how he's likely to be feeling after the Op.

I would have thought if his DM was genuinely trying to be helpful she'd understand why staying over isn't ideal. 45 mins is perfectly doable as a return journey in a day unless she's not keen on driving in the dark, or a bit frail herself.

I'd genuinely not be bothering with turkey dinner unless it was part of the original plan. Nor would I be sleeping in the living room on a camp bed or in the same bed as DH if the plan was for you to sleep separately for a few nights. You're a person too and you need your sleep to tend to DH.

[quote QuandryatXmas]@Hercisback You are right - I have no idea what to expect. I'm frightened of knocking into him in the night and hurting him. I'm frightened of a lot of things right now as I wake up in the night to make sure he's breathing and my heart plummets to bottom of my stomach. TBH I'm a nervous wreck and he hasn't even had the surgery yet. Poor man, maybe he will need his mum here to give him a break!![/quote]
Have you looked up on nhs about his surgery. They provide leaflets about what recovery is like. These days it’s mostly undertaken through keyhole but ensure you know this in advance. He should have been told.
With a general anaesthetic he will be “groggy” potentially for 48 hours whilst it leaves his system . That standard. Hell want to sleep and he may feel a bit down (I.e. I always feel depressed after a general) .
He will be given strong painkillers for first 48 hours if the hospital think he needs them. My advice would be to get in normal paracetamol and some co-codomol which is opiate but useful for first few nights .

Sleeping seperately is probably a good idea if you can- but not becuase you’ll knock him, just so that he gets good sleep which is important for healing. If it’s key hole he will have a number of tiny external scars about 0.5 to 1cm long. That’s it. He’ll be bruised inside where you can’t reach or see, the chances of you knocking him causing severe pain are zilch.

Some people have key hole surgery and return to work in 3-4 days once anaesthesia has worn off- if key hole it’s certainly easier to recover than say a c-section which involves major abdominal surgery and women have to come home with a baby to nurse, feed and take care of

He is not going to stop breathing due to having had surgery once he gets home. He might, at worse, be a bit wobbly on his feet and needs to be a bit careful of jumping out of bed when needing loo etc. Just needs to sit up on bed, wait a couple of mins then move to standing position.

I think they advice no heavy lifting for some weeks. You need to check about whether he can dirve with surgeon and your insurance company. That is probably going to be the most inconvenient thing to manage

I am wondering if your anxiety is more because of the cancer diagnosis? That is obviously a horrible thing for you both to deal with. And if it’s not been that long between diagnosis and surgery then you are still reeling from that and it is understandable that you just want to “hibernate” and not see anyone for a few weeks once the worst is over. But please read up on the surgery itself to get informed so you are not adding to your worries unnecessarily

Whether his mum visits or nots is an entirely different question. My only comment would be that I certainly get very miserable after a general for about 3 days. If MIL will truely muck in to help with dinner etc then it would give you chance to entertain DH with jolly japes to keep his mind occupied or snuggle up with some good movies togther to just show him you care. For me I’d also add that meals times during recovery break up the day and are a bright spot - so having a nice Xmas dinner will certainly be worth doing and getting some other nice stuff he enjoys eating in.

Hello, sorry to hear your husband is having this. My husband had the same in December 2019 and I don’t remember us even having Christmas. He was in hospital for 5 days with infection and came home and was in bed for over a week. I think he needs to tell his mum to wait until after Christmas to visit. I think she probably thinks she’s helping but it’s a hard time for your family and he needs to say what he wants now. Hugs to you all

@Onprozacandmyhighhorse Fantastic first hand experience post - thank you. This is exactly what will be happening, catheter and up to six weeks off work. After that though - radiotherapy. Haven't even looked up what radiotherapy entails as we've only just found out that this will be needed. Maybe he has this during the 6 weeks recuperation period, maybe they have to test his PSA level and then decide on when the radiotherapy begins. Maybe they'll have a look post op and decide he doesn't need radiotherapy. So many unknown factors at the moment but lots to find out. So pleased your DH has now come out the other side and had a successful op. I can cope with the incontinence and daily injections to stop blood clots but I just don't think I can cope with MIL too!! Thanks again.

Sorry to hear DH is poorly, he probably wants his mum close by, as long as she is helpful, I would let her come.

No one knows what the future will bring, I didn’t dream that last Christmas would be my lovely MIL’s last 😭.

Wishing a speedy, full recovery for your DH.

Years ago I had major surgery (abdominal) on 20th Dec and discharged Christmas Eve. Dh did cook Christmas dinner but it was very low key with no fancy Christmas table. He needs to rest but also needs to move about a bit (he doesn't want to risk a clot)
I would be guided by him as he may still be getting over the effects of the anaesthetic. Tbh I would not have wanted anyone else there trying to make conversation or fussing. Dh slept in the spare room.

Your husband needs to deal with this, it's his mother, and if he wants her to come then he needs to sort everything out for her - is he really going to be up to that? It's completely unfair of him to expect you to look after him and cater for his mother as well.

@Sarahlou63

It's difficult to say without knowing what type of surgery - will he be mobile? Will he be able to eat? Is whatever he's being operated on the end of the issue or is there more treatment on the cards?

Having just gone surgery, all I wanted to do for the first couple of days was sleep but after that I was grateful for distractions; albeit as long as I could slob in my dressing gown.

If she's prepared to serve Christmas lunch on a tray, or ditch it altogether for scrambled eggs because that's all he fancies then fine, let her come. OTOH if she's likely to insist that you all dress up for the day and eat 15 courses then politely decline.

I had laporoscopic surgery on a friday, fainted on the sunday and was only getting up to use the loo on the monday.

He is having major surgery 3 days before Christmas so is likely to still be on hard painkillers and resting in bed for the first few days. So unless MIL wants to spend the day sat watching him sleep there is no point in her coming.