DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Also, you absolutely won’t need to go into a separate bed.

Your DH has said let her come overnight on Christmas Day, that sounds doable so just wait for him to tell her that

I wouldn't let her come.
End of.

Good luck to your DH. I'd let her come. Ready meals in the fridge if she wants one. Very low-key.

Why will you be barely sleeping?

You sound almost overly worried about everything and are catastrophising.

You can still sleep in bed with him. Odds are he won't be lying in bed all day.

Women come home from hospital post section and cope with a newborn and surgery. I don't think it will be as bad as you think.

Sounds like too much drama. I’d not be up for that either. You’ve enough stress.

Can you even discuss with DH the possibility of delaying the Christmas festivities until new year. Just tell her you’re not celebrating it this year so she’d best go elsewhere but can come the following week for new year instead?

Or is it likely to take longer to heal? I which case just tell her you’ll have a special day on 25 January instead by which time DH will be fit to enjoy a nice time?

YANBU. I think you need to flip it around and say please DON'T plan to come, but of course we'd love to see you and know you'll want to see him, so once we know the surgery has gone well and see how he's doing, then we can work out a day for you to pop round for a short visit and build it up from there.

I think given that your DH is the one having the surgery, you need to go with whatever he wants. He might feel comforted by having his Mum around, he might not.
If she ends up coming, then make sure she does sleep on the sofa or whatever, and you are the one in the spare room, ready to help your DH if he needs you. Be prepared to be quite firm with her so that he has peace and quiet and rest when needed. She is probably worried about him and wants to feel close and be able to fuss over him a bit. It's a tricky one.

What happens if his op is delayed due to Covid or some other event - will she still come for Christmas then?

How long is your DH likely to be in hospital? Will he be staying over Christmas, with you dealing with MIL in the house on your own, or will he be home but recovering for Christmas?

Is she really coming because of christmas dinner?!

There's no need for that so say no.

If she's really coming because she wants to be around for her son, he will need to tell her no. I have had to do the same with my parents wanting to looking after me after major stuff.

Does she live far? Can't she visit if she is fretting about him?

Can’t you compromise and she comes for less days. I think she’s worried about him and wants to be around to help. Can’t see come for a night?

@Hercisback You are right - I have no idea what to expect. I'm frightened of knocking into him in the night and hurting him. I'm frightened of a lot of things right now as I wake up in the night to make sure he's breathing and my heart plummets to bottom of my stomach. TBH I'm a nervous wreck and he hasn't even had the surgery yet. Poor man, maybe he will need his mum here to give him a break!!

I think the question is does you dh want her there? No matter how grown up we are sometimes we just want our mum.
I don't think your dh will be as 'bad' as you think. You should be able to sleep fine and share a bed. His pain shouldn't be too bad and movement is encouraged.
A gentle low key Christmas sounds fine, and she is his mum. Unless he hates the idea or there s massive backstory I would go along with it.
I hope your dh's surgery goes well.

Major surgery on the 22nd? Will he even be home by Christmas Day. My husband had major surgery and they sent him home on day 3. They won’t discharge him on Christmas Day.

Just tell her no.

Hi my partner had the same operation earlier in the year. I have pm’d you

Just to clarify - he's going in on 22nd Dec and should be coming out the next day. No she doesn't live far away - about 45 mins drive away.

@QuandryatXmas hugs, it's going to go so much more smoothly than you think.

Is it a robotic prostatectomy? A family member had one recently in his early fifties. He was in hospital one night, very sore for a few days, but up and about straight away. They are excellent these days, don't worry- he'll be fine!

@BoredZelda

Major surgery on the 22nd? Will he even be home by Christmas Day. My husband had major surgery and they sent him home on day 3. They won’t discharge him on Christmas Day.

Just tell her no.

Incorrect

I'd just go with your DH's suggestion then- he needs to phone her and say that she'll be welcome on Christmas Day (Covid restrictions permitting) but that he'll need to get back to focusing on his rest and recovery from Boxing Day.

It depends on if she will at least look after herself or maybe be of help. My mil was / is very much the princess and needs looking after on top of the four kids. If your mil can make her tea and entertain herself then one night might be ok to make her feel needed. maybe two at a push if she will be if actual help. But explain that to dh and defer it back to him. I hope it all goes well.

Have you and your DH spoken to the doctor about what to expect with regards to recovery? I honestly don't think it will be half as bad as you're anticipating!
As for your MIL, if your husband is happy for her to visit, let her. Just make sure she doesn't outstay her welcome. She might even make herself useful.

If he’s coming home the next day it sounds like he’s having laparoscopic surgery @QuandryatXmas. He should be up about about really soon and should recover well. I assume that means they think his cancer is still within the prostate? I hope the tests prove that to be the case as of you can move on afterwards.

There’s obviously a lot of changes ahead for you both and you’re extremely anxious as a result. That’s understandable. But he may want you next to him at night so don’t panic too much about hurting him. And try to get some support for your own worries. The old ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ is always worth remembering.

Your husband is having the surgery (his old is he?) so whatever he wants should go. How does he feel?

Good luck to him.

Could you invite her for new year instead?

@BoredZelda

Major surgery on the 22nd? Will he even be home by Christmas Day. My husband had major surgery and they sent him home on day 3. They won’t discharge him on Christmas Day.

Just tell her no.

Sorry, posted by mistake earlier- it entirely depends on the surgery- some major surgeries are daycase, some are five night stays.

Your DH might well want to sleep in a separate room, and he might not want his mum there while he recovers - it's not much fun in the early days after the op.