DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

When you do his BP make sure you follow instructions about how to do it.
I didn’t fully realise how to position my arm with respect to my heart - to get a more accurate reading.
My BP improved when I read and followed the correct technique

I really hope things improve for you. I understand your MIL wanting to be there, but she also needs to realise her son is a grown man, and has a wife to take care of of him.

Put yourselves first. This is a very stressful time for you.

Give MIL a job to make her feel useful.
I suggest she does some freezer meals and soups.
Ask her if she is happy to be second emergency contact, if you are not available. ( with DH permission)
Ask if she is happy to do some shopping if needed.
Ask that she be the family contact, so you can update her and she can update the rest of the family. That will mean less interruptions for DH and you.
Good luck 💐

Thanks OP
I used worry beads+mantra+deep breathing in the run-up and while he was in theatre. I tried to think I would trust myself to manage each challenge if/when it arose. But yes anxiety levels in the last few days/weeks were high here too! Take care

OP - I know it’s just about a week until your husband’s surgery and just wanted you to know you’re not forgotten by random MNers (I have an appointment on the same day, so the 22nd has stuck in my mind). I do hope they sorted out his high blood pressure, that the upcoming pre-surgery quarantine goes well, and that the surgery will go quickly (even if the days feel terribly long right now).

All my fingers crossed, and I’ll be praying for you both.

@5YearsLeft That is so kind of you to remember us - I'm really touched by your msg. BP isn't coming down so going back to GP today to see if they can give him stronger tablets. Please God, something has to go right soon. Good luck with your appt on 22nd and sending my very best wishes to you for Christmas.

Absolutely all of my fingers crossed for you, OP. I’m now trying to avoid a hospital visit myself and all these things are tougher during the festive time, aren’t they? I very much hope they’ve gotten his blood pressure down and you’re in the home stretch to tomorrow. Very, VERY best of luck. I don’t want to promise he’ll be fine but there are so many of us here with love ones who have come through prostatectomies and a few posters who have had one themselves and been fine, so please let that boost you some, since I’m sure you’re feeling probably sick and unable to eat (that’s me every night before a surgery - can’t eat, can’t sleep, get tearful at commercials on the telly, get angry that my husband ISN’T taking it as seriously, and then he always says, “Oh, do you want me to sing it? Because I’ll sing it,” and then he sings, “Leaving On A Jet Plane,” and then I cry floods of tears over it at all, as song starts with ‘All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go,’ and THEN we can watch something funny on TV again… but I still don’t sleep all night - weird household, I know) or perhaps you’ve eaten every chocolate in a 5 km and now feel sick in a different direction. Everything is normal. You’ll get through this!!!

Just to say that I hope the operation can go ahead as planned. Sending our very best wishes to both of you.

It's her son. He has cancer. He's having major surgery. I get why she wants to be there.

And she's clinging to the ideal of a 'normal' Christmas because she's scared.

But the last thing you want is a house guest to consider, no matter how helpful.

And when he's back, he and you may prefer to be private.

So...

Would she be far from her own home?
Could she visit him in hospital from there?

Could you write to her explaining that you can't cope with a house guest under the circumstances, and that he will need absolute quiet and space to recuperate with no excitement.

Then when he's recovered, that's when the family get together can happen?

ARG, I'd skipped the last few pages - all the very best for the surgery.

Saw the date today and came across this thread again. I do hope his BP has come down enough for the surgery to go ahead

OP - I know you may not have time to see this but just want you to know, am thinking of you today. I do hope the surgery was able to go ahead so that it’s over with and things have gone fine. If for some reason it wasn’t able to go ahead (DH’s BP didn’t come down enough, it got cancelled for some reason, etc.), I’m sure you’re beside yourself with even more worry - you must feel you’ve used up all your worry and can’t possibly handle waiting again. But you and DH will get through it, even though I know a wait like that can feel so, so awful (I know many friends had to deal with surgeries being moved around during the last two years). If the surgery HAS happened, I hope DH came through with doing well and that you’ll have him home soon for a very, very merry, but quiet, Christmas. All the best, and all the luck, OP, and some and LOOOOOTS of

NEW READERS - THE OP IS RESOLVED, THE THREAD HAS MOVED ON, AND IT IS NOW SURGERY DAY FOR OP’S DH.

All good wishes to your DH, to you and to everyone dealing with surgery as well as everything else right now.

I hoe things went well

Hi everyone, just logged on to see some more lovely messages - Thank you!! The op went ahead on 22nd and he came home the next day. We saw the surgeon who said that as far as he could tell the operation was successful and it will be 50/50 if he needs radiotherapy. All going well so far, he's in a lot of discomfort but coping with the catheter and once he get's up off the sofa then he seems to be walking OK. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I cannot thank you all enough for your information and support. Wishing you all a very Happy Christmas and a great New Year!! Thank you.

So happy for you, OP. Merry Christmas!

I’m so pleased it’s going well for both of you and the outcome sounds positive . Enjoy your Christmas xx

Happy Christmas OP and sending prayers for you and for your husband's health.

Happy Christmas to you both.

So glad the op went ahead and your DH is doing well. Merry Christmas!

Merry a Christmas OP!

Wishing you a peaceful festive season and your DH a smooth and speedy recovery x

Merry Christmas to you and your husband

What good news! A very merry Christmas, OP, and I hope DH keeps feeling better.

Wishing you both the best for '22

Great update, happy Christmas

Just seen your update OP, was thinking of you in the run-up to Xmas. So pleased the op went ahead and was a success. Best of luck as you both get through the recovery, you have been through a lot well done!