DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

[Macmoominmamma]

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

He sounds like a wonderful caring man. It's one Christmas FFS, you will have many many Christmases together, this may be the last one he has with his mum. Even if next year she is still alive ,with advancing dementia she won't be the mum he clearly loves. Give him the support and love to do what he needs to do .

If she didn’t have dementia I think it would be fine, my grandmother always came to stay with us from her care home at Christmas, she went on days out with us and the care home and was fine.
I understand your husband wanting to spend Christmas with her. I think the suggestion of a nearby holiday cottage. She can be brought to visit by your husband and then taken back home each day. If visiting you was too much, DH could visit every day. There could be a special trip out for the birthday girl as well. No option is ideal but would meet everyone’s needs.

I don't pretend to understand the subtleties here but my situation isn't very different, although the distance between us and DMIL is greater. DMIL is 92 and is being very well cared for in a residential home with some nursing. But to bring her to us for Christmas would mean hours of travel -- it's six hours away, back and forth minimum which is hard for DH (her son) but appalling for her because it would demand a private ambulance transfer. We plan to visit her before Christmas, but moving someone so old so far for a day's jollification on the day seems too be taking family reunification to extremes. So much effort, by everybody, for grandma to be unable to move from her bed and unable to enjoy the delight, and very possibly to be unsettled by the change of scene.

It sounds hard of heart, but no, I really wouldn't put your family through that.

I understand his sentiments and must be so hard to have a vunerable parent 100 miles away at Christmas

However, from someone who works on a dementia unit of a nursing home, none of our residents would cope with the change in routine, let alone understand it is Christmas.......also don't forget the added complications from Covid.

Our residents are only allowed one visitor on Christmas day as the visiting area has to be sanitised after each visit, and that is after they have had a lateral flow test, so to take someone out of a nursing home will no doubt create additional issues.

I really do understand you DH wanting his mum for Xmas. I however think it would be far kinder to keep her in her own environment considering her advanced dementia

@TonkinLenkicks

Firstly, you need to speak to MIL. Would she understand enough to be able to make a Decision herself. If not that discussions with the care team are next. Can you not recreate a Christmas with her before or after at her home? We have a fake Christmas every year and it’s fab.

He needs to speak to the care home before the MIL.

One of my siblings did this with my Nana and then the home, and the rest of us, had to talk to her about why it wouldn't work.

@Aristodog

Couldn’t you go and stay in a hotel nearer her and just visit on the day?

This is a really good compromise

I think your dh need to talk to the people caring for her and get advice on this before making this journey.

Its not a matter of being "nice" its about what is best for an 84 yr old with dementia. I also wonder how many YABUs have cared for someone like this.

Has he discussed this trip with the nursing staff and her care co-ordinator? I'd be surprised if they were in favour of an exhausting and disorienting trip staying in a hotel and house without suitable adaptations. It could well make her worse.

If its possible, then a trip with the family staying near to the home would allow the family to spend time together without the disorientation of a long journey and a strange environment. Have a mini Christmas weekend before or after actual Christmas which she can enjoy in safety.

I love my Dad so very dearly and last year was so painful not being able to see him at Christmas - he is now 90 and has varying health problems but not dementia. Having had MIL to us with early dementia & having seen beloved Aunt in home for many years with dementia I can fully understand where your DH is coming from but to stay in hotel with her etc will so confuse her and I think will be worse than going to her.

To me 100 miles is something I do to see my Dad & I would do a same day round trip even - not always ideal but worth it just to see him.

In your situation can you not go up Boxing day & stay nearby overnight & do a 2nd Christmas Day where you visit her in her usual environment, perhaps even take her out ?

I get where you DH is coming from. I didnt really like my MIL but even so I hosted her every Christmas for many years as she was my DH Mum and it was important to her, my DH & our DS. To your DH & his DM the most important thing will be to see each other and for your DH to spend time with her.

Would your MIL want her son changing her pads etc. you shouldn't have to do it OP. And she might well be mortified that he does it. Especially if she still has some insight.

@lololololollll

My Dad is basically the same as her and my god I would clean his piss up every day til I die. ESPECIALLY at Xmas! Just me

God, I hate this "just me" crap that so many posters like to use at the end of a post, to express their wonderfulness and simultaneously put down anyone who doesn't meet their made-up standards.

I'd do anything for my MIL. Her son is dead and I will, and have done everything that he would have wanted to do for her (and that I want to do anyway because I love her). But I won't do and haven't done things that will stress and upset her just so I can indulge my own needs and polish my own halo on Mumsnet.

Your husband sounds like a good man.

Could he go and stay near her this Christmas?
Head up early Christmas day and return late that evening?
I think she would be more comfortable there and he could spend the day with her.

It could be her last?
I would be kind and try and work with him on this.

Support your H on this. You & the kids will have him to yourselves every Christmas & birthday when his mom’s no longer here.

Get him to ring the home and ask them to help him put together a care plan that spans all those days. Meds, toileting, mobility assistance, etc.

There’ll be 100 small issues he hasn’t thought of yet, and 2-3 big ones that he’ll have to solve with their help. I think it’ll take care of itself once he starts looking into it properly. You don’t have to be the bad guy on this one.

Don't do it. We tried this for a few years with my mum (she's 11 years post diagnosis - now end stage) and it did her more harm than good. She was more confused, more anxious, fretted to leave and just wasn't happy. It became more about doing it for us so we didn't feel guilty than doing it for her. We see her in the home now and have done for a few years. It's much more beneficial for her

@Pointynoseowner

He sounds like a wonderful caring man. It's one Christmas FFS, you will have many many Christmases together, this may be the last one he has with his mum. Even if next year she is still alive ,with advancing dementia she won't be the mum he clearly loves. Give him the support and love to do what he needs to do .

What about what SHE needs? Which I'm pretty certain doesn't include a 200 mile return journey, an unknown hotel and multiple transfers between a 'foreign hotel room and OP's house.

I have had to manage three different relatives' dementia, and not a single one of them would have coped with this, even in the earlierstages.

Why can’t you suggest to your DH that you all go and stay in a hotel and visit her? Your husband sounds like a good man, back him up. It’s his mother

@saraclara wow defensive much. What I meant is that's just what I would do, don't think you need to be so aggressive. I appreciate others have different ways of looking at things, hence why I said "just me". No sarcasm involved. Don't judge me by your own standards as I guess that's how you came up with that one

Can you all go up there for Christmas? Is that even feasible? I can understand how your DH wants to spend what may be his last Christmas with his Mum. You will have many many more with your children and this may be a nice time for them to see their Dad caring for his Mum. Personally I wouldn't stand in the way. If it doesn't work out then at least he tried. I wouldn't step in his way but would suggest that he get a very clear plan from the Nursing Home as to how it will work.

What about what SHE needs? Which I'm pretty certain doesn't include a 200 mile return journey, an unknown hotel and multiple transfers between a 'foreign hotel room and OP's house.

I have had to manage three different relatives' dementia, and not a single one of them would have coped with this, even in the earlierstages.

I agree. I also think that he’s doing this more for his benefit than hers.
It’s a real possibility that she’s going to become very distressed.

A commode is all very well, but if she’s incontinent, she’s incontinent. He will need to change her clothes, make sure she’s clean and dry, change sheets/use pads on the bed, potentially clean sofa cushions, car seats, hotel chairs.

I think it is wonderful that your husband wants to be there for his mom but her being away from what she knows could be hard for her and him. I follow a blog where a woman had her mom for Thanksgiving and she was so confused leaving her personal care home. Maybe visit and be with your mil for a few days. Not many would visit there parents like your husband does. You have a good man.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.

If there is one thing he has not done is thought it through.

He clearly has absolutely no idea what he's doing. Anyone with experience of a person with those needs knows what a stupid idea it is. And very unfair on her.

We had my aunt up to stay twice in a local care home over Christmas for respite care for a week or two over Christmas as her care needs were roughly the same as your MIL. That worked ok.

That's one option, the other is to all go see her after Christmas.

Thank you so much for all your opinions and suggestions ladies. I have read every single one and thank you for taking time to comment.

DH is SO well intentioned but, as observed, is speaking emotionally, rather than considering practicalities. My initial response was it’s unworkable but I failed to see that he’s come up with this unworkable plan because it is SO important to him that he spends Christmas with his mum.

You have offered great insights. I think I will show DH the thread so that he can understand how difficult for his mum it will be for her with dementia. We are still getting used to it tbh. We need to put her at the centre of our plans and reconsider her new needs rather than assume she will be able to cope with what we would usually do at Christmas pre-Covid with her, when she would regularly travel to Scotland with us and the kids. She had a stroke Jan 2020 and went into a Nursing Home as couldn’t look after herself at home. It’s very sad to see her so debilitated and dependent after being so fiercely independent and a bit of a social butterfly.

We will definitely be speaking with the Nursing Home and if appropriate we will definitely speak with any hotel involved. More likely we will rent an AirBnB if we can over Christmas and visit her for the day. That seems more workable.

For the person who pointed out that one day I will be wanting my son to visit me on my last Christmas🥴 you do epitomise that urge that some people have to say something just a little bit shitty to people in difficult circumstances.