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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can anybody else relate with a husband like mine?!

159 replies

Ballsdeep21 · 29/11/2021 13:22

So I’ve been married for 10 years now and have 3 children. Over the years I have noticed my husband can’t seem to spend “too much” time with us as a family. I’m hoping other people can relate or tell me this totally not normal. Say for example iv made breakfast he comes down eventually and eats his breakfast chat for a little bit then he disappears somewhere in the house mainly upstairs. When I mean disappear I mean that he can’t stay with me and the kids for too long. He goes upstairs to bedroom, his Xbox room or he goes gym. Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”. Another example, he will come back from his 2-3hrs at the gym say hi to me and kids go in the shower for forever and then maybe have something to eat then sit with us for again a short amount of time and disappears upstairs again. It’s as if he can not sit down on his backside with us for long at all. I say to him why can’t you just chill in living room watch a bit of telly (although kiddies usually have something on tv) and even if he’s with us he usually has his headsets on or AirPods listening to a podcast or watching some sort of show on his phone. He can not sit still, he moves and twitches all day long if I focus on him. Sometimes I think is there some sort of underlying disorder. He’s always liked his own space after a bit however this is majority of the time now. I say to him chilling isn’t going to be about me and him all the time it’s us all being together as a family. And before anyone says “cheating” or anything of the sort please don’t as that’s not the case. He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time. Does anyone else’s husband/partner act like this.

OP posts:
SheisMammyof2 · 29/11/2021 13:25

Yes my husband acts like this but he is clinically depressed and I suspect has ASD as well.

Milkshake54 · 29/11/2021 13:29

DaffodilDaffodil can't relate, but feel that's a lot on your shoulders with the childcare, so sending flowers

Tittyfilarious81 · 29/11/2021 13:30

My dad used to be like this he would get sick of us very quickly so he used to go out all the time to avoid being around us he's still like that now at home always restless

Animood · 29/11/2021 13:33

Don't have another kid until you get to the bottom of this. You'll be making a rod for your own back.

Have you talked to him about this and mentioned that his being absent is hard for you and the kids. Sounds like you're doing nearly all the parenting and household stuff.

What would happen if you buggered off upstairs befor he does and left him with the kids?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2021 13:33

You would be mad to have another child with this man. He's useless enough as it is. Why are you tolerating this?

Movingsoon21 · 29/11/2021 13:33

OP you need to put more of the childcare duties on him so he learns to interact with his children. Sounds like he treats you like a nanny! Not on at all. What would happen if you just headed out to see friends with only 15 mins warning? Presumably he would be able to sit with the kids while you are out? If not then he’s essentially a lodger, not a father

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/11/2021 13:35

When you say he is twitchy all day do you mean he is constantly doing something rather than just sitting passively. So gaming he is doing something, t.v he is just sat there. Can he play with the dc?

BarryTheKestrel · 29/11/2021 13:37

I know my DHs depression is kicking up a gear when he can't be around us for long and seeks his own space. His mood and anxiety is triggered by noise and chaos/mess and we have 2 young children. When he gets overwhelmed he has to step back or he becomes incredibly grumpy and snappy with everyone. But this isn't an all the time thing and the rest of the time he is very much an active part of the family.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/11/2021 13:38

Christ, you're very passive about the fact he's leaving all the work to you.

AndMatt · 29/11/2021 13:43

Isbitnthatvhe can't spend time work you or he can't sit still and chat.

My DH didn't see sitting chatting as "doing something" but he'd happily spend time working in the garden or going to the park as a family

My mum's the same actually. You have to "use the day" a leisurely chatty breakfast (one of my favourite things) is a waste.

Polmuggle · 29/11/2021 13:54

This is awful - so he never looks after the kids alone? Do you do family days out etc?

thepeopleversuswork · 29/11/2021 13:59

Yep its called checking out of family life. It's a fairly common syndrome among men tbh. There are about four threads a day like this.

I certainly wouldn't have another child with him. And if I'm honest I'd consider whether you want a future with him. I can see its difficult to leave now but honestly what is the point of a man like this? You'd be better off on your own with your kids really.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/11/2021 14:03

I'd set up a couple of stop watches for a week. Total up how much time you each spend with the children. See if he is surprised and ask him why he thinks it's fair that you get stuck with the majority of parenting because he wont do his share (which should be 50pc of evenings and weekends)

Original poster
Ballsdeep21 · 29/11/2021 14:05

@Animood yes I have talked to him about this quite a few times and tbh all I get is “here you go you’re being negative again” type of comments. Say for example if baby is still sleeping when I wake with the older two, once baby wakes he will shout out to one of the kids or text me and say baby is up take her downstairs so he nearly always gets a lay in. I would love if he just came downstairs with the baby and spent the morning with us as isn’t that “normal” family life?!
Absolutely no chance would I be able to go up soya it’s and disappear. The kids can’t even let me go to the loo for a bit. I have to book in with my husband if I want to go toilet, shower or anything else tbh. Whereas he just goes off. I say to him the kids only see the back of you as your always leaving.

@Movingsoon21 If I did say I’m going out with 15 mins warning say he would no doubt tell me he already had plans and that I didn’t tell him with enough notice. Very annoying. When I do go out which is hardly anymore tbh I tell him way ahead I’m talking 2 weeks beforehand therefore he doesn’t have an issue with that and has the kids then. I say to him only times u see the kids are quick hi and quick rough and tumble with them and then maybe just before bedtime so he doesn’t get I’m exhausted when he gets back from work/gym/being with his friends and then I’m in a foul mood sometimes and he has stated one of the reasons he does spend a lot of time doing his own thing is because I’m so negative he says.

@sweeneytoddsrazor Yes so he’s constantly doing something. If he sits for a few mins he gets back up even walking around living room kitchen as he just is unable to sit. His legs are constantly bouncing up and down, the man can’t just relax with us. He definitely plays with the children in all honesty he’s the more fun one with the kids and I get feisty rested more easily with the kids. But I put that down to personality and the fact I’m with them 24/7. I say to him yes your the fun dad as you won’t be staying long which is the truth.

OP posts:
Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 29/11/2021 14:08

Does he work?

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 29/11/2021 14:08

Cross post

Original poster
Ballsdeep21 · 29/11/2021 14:09

@thepeopleversuswork oh my word! So there is a term for it lol! That is exactly what it is. I have in all honesty thought about pros and cons of leaving/staying in the marriage. And have told him I don’t want anymore kids. Super sad!

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 29/11/2021 14:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/11/2021 14:12

Will be be willing to give up his xbox room for the baby?

Honestly I'd run a mile from any man who wanted this once he had children, it just shouts 'I want to be on my own more than I want to be with you'.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/11/2021 14:12

So unable to sit still to relax is a bit different to checking out of family life. Does he do household tasks when he can't sit still?

Original poster
Ballsdeep21 · 29/11/2021 14:12

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow yes he works 3-4 days a week and is self employed

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 29/11/2021 14:12

Definitely don't have another child with him that would be too much. It seems as if he's got ADHD or something. Maybe he'll be more use with the kids as they get older - hopefully for your sake !

Original poster
Ballsdeep21 · 29/11/2021 14:15

@Disfordarkchocolate He has told me Xbox room is nonnegotiable. I did say erm I don’t have my own chill room so, he says living room is my sort of Xbox room as it’s the room I spend most my time in. Well I’d think so considering there’s kids to mind etc. No way would he give up Xbox room like ever

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/11/2021 14:15

Don't give him a fifteen minute warning then. A bright and breezy 'I'm off to the gym' as you walk out the door when he's home.

Of course you're thinking now 'I couldn't do that.' But think about how absolutely ridiculous it is that he can and you can't.

Thedogscollar · 29/11/2021 14:19

@Ballsdeep21
From what you have described being able to even sit, constantly wandering around the house I'd say your husband might have ADHD.
My husband and son have this condition and it's annoying to see on here it being labelled as checking out of family life.
Read up on it and jm sure you will see other traits in his personality that match the ADHD type.