Can anybody else relate with a husband like mine?!

[Ballsdeep21]

So I’ve been married for 10 years now and have 3 children. Over the years I have noticed my husband can’t seem to spend “too much” time with us as a family. I’m hoping other people can relate or tell me this totally not normal. Say for example iv made breakfast he comes down eventually and eats his breakfast chat for a little bit then he disappears somewhere in the house mainly upstairs. When I mean disappear I mean that he can’t stay with me and the kids for too long. He goes upstairs to bedroom, his Xbox room or he goes gym. Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”. Another example, he will come back from his 2-3hrs at the gym say hi to me and kids go in the shower for forever and then maybe have something to eat then sit with us for again a short amount of time and disappears upstairs again. It’s as if he can not sit down on his backside with us for long at all. I say to him why can’t you just chill in living room watch a bit of telly (although kiddies usually have something on tv) and even if he’s with us he usually has his headsets on or AirPods listening to a podcast or watching some sort of show on his phone. He can not sit still, he moves and twitches all day long if I focus on him. Sometimes I think is there some sort of underlying disorder. He’s always liked his own space after a bit however this is majority of the time now. I say to him chilling isn’t going to be about me and him all the time it’s us all being together as a family. And before anyone says “cheating” or anything of the sort please don’t as that’s not the case. He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time. Does anyone else’s husband/partner act like this.

[quote Ballsdeep21]@irene9 yes he puts kids to bed if I ask him. Tbh most of the time he’s not in at bedtime as he’s at the gym or something else. I do all the cooking he does not cook. He’s probably cooked a handful of times during our marriage. Hardly cleans. Might do washing up if he sees it over flowing. And I’d maybe get a lie in once every 2 months or so honestly. Sometimes he takes the kids to school if I say iv had enough and moan to him then he doesn’t come back from the kids drop off as he goes to work out then obviously baby wakes and I technically havnt had a lay in by then.[/quote]
Literally what's the point of being with him?

He’d never give up his Xbox room? Is he 14?
Leave him and find an actual man!

My ex was like this, with ASD. But more pressingly he is also a lazy twat and simply preferred not to be with us.

I think sometimes you just need a bit of space away from everybody. I wouldn't take it personally.

The idea that a grown man needs a room for his computer games all to himself within the family home is both laughable and tragic.

Your husband sounds like a selfish git, but I've got friends with husbands exactly like this and they (my friends) are either blind to it, or so worn down by bearing the lion's share of childcare and homemaking that they don't have the energy to argue the toss with their useless partners.

I have no idea why men like that have children if they're not going to take an active role in raising them. The bit that really got me is where you say your husband will TEXT you to say the baby is awake. I'd be inserting that phone somewhere extremely delicate upon his person whilst simultaneously packing his suitcase for him in the very final act of wifely duty.

My dad was like this. I think he just couldn’t handle family life. Apparently his dad was the same. My entire childhood he was at work or somewhere else in the house away from us. My mum did everything and was pretty much a single parent many years before she actually became one. I have no idea why he had children as he couldn’t cope with being around us. I am not close to him now, I don’t really feel like I have a dad and see him more as a sort of distant uncle which is quite sad.

I think it’s unfair on you that you have to be the default parent and that he just gets to check out and dip back in whenever he feels like it.

@EuromamaAussiekids

I think sometimes you just need a bit of space away from everybody. I wouldn't take it personally.

Read the OP' posts...

He's not your husband or your children's father. He's just your lodger. You can't see it but you're a single parent and always have been. Why not make it official and divorce him - at least then you have a chance to meet someone who actively enjoys spending time with you and your children.

@EuromamaAussiekids oh I get that. Everybody does need downtime and alone time here and there however this is NOT what I’m referring to. This is extreme I think and has increased significantly over past few years.

If you keep doing everything then there's no room for him to do it.
Can he put the older kids to bed 3 nights a week? Are you reluctant to ask him?
It seems you hope he notices and offers to help.
You did all the cooking and laundry before you had kids so why would anything change. They are 'earmarked' as your jobs, things you want to do.
You don't make them his responsibility.
I'm not blaming you I'm pointing out that you yourself have a role in your tendency to not ask for help, just doing it yourself, and then complaining or sighing yawning etc and hope he'll notice. That only brings isolation.
If you ask and ask and he refuses then that's a different thing in obviously.

What do you want and expect from him? Decide then tell him. Be quite specific. Let him know you're not content being treated
like the au pair. You want a partnership and family life. He's probably going to object. It sounds like he's selfish and addicted to gaming.

Then decide if you're satisfied with this kind of relationship for the rest of your life. If not get back to work and plan your departure.

Yanbu to want more from him. Emotionally and practically.

Most people work part time so they can spend time with the people they love and cherish and they want a work/family life balance.
Your DH seems to work part time so he can go to the gym and play on the Xbox

Fucking texting you to get the baby!!!! I can’t believe you, as a grown adult would put up with that.

What the fuck do you say when he texts you that???? Because I would be so incredulous my reply back would be 90% swearing.

Not at all, he's always under my feet when he's home.

Yours sounds like a complete selfish arse tbh.

So he works 3-4 days a week and you're a SAHM? Just checking I have that right...

It's fair that you're doing most of the chores in the 4 days he works. The 3 days he doesn't work, all childcare and housework should be split 50:50 between you and him. Make sure he's doing 50% (it sounds as if he may be doing 5% at present). It should look something like this:

All spare evening time should be shared between the two of you, i.e. if he gets 3 evenings a week, you get 3 evenings a week when you're not doing childcare (even if that's just having a long bath and reading a book), and 1 evening is a date night or similar.

Weekends which aren't family time (you'll have to agree how much family time you both want) are split - he only gets half of the available free time.

Lie-ins on his non-working days are also split - one each at the weekend (and that either includes toddlers and baby for BOTH of you, or toddlers only for BOTH of you). Since you do the school run on his 4 working days, he can do it on the 1 weekday he doesn't work.

At the moment he sees all housework and childcare as your jobs, and anything he does is 'helping you out'. You need to reset his expectations, that these things are only your job while he's working. Everything else is still just as much his job as it is yours.

@Ballsdeep21

Sadly too many men with young children, are lazy, and distant, and lackadaisical, and are largely uninvolved in family life and doing things with the children.

Many of them make the excuse that they are 'overworked and tired,' and conveniently go to bed, or pop out to the pub with mates to 'wind down,' leaving everything to the mother of the children.

Sadly, we also have some women who have tolerated this and allowed this to happen over the years/decades. (Mainly because they have really had no choice, coz who the fuck is going to care for the children if they don't? And they are thought of by society as the main caregiver.)

Basically, right from the children being born, a man can fuck off out, and be 'unavailable' as much as he likes, and stay at 'work' as much as he wants, and it's somehow acceptable. If a woman did the same, she would be labelled a bad mother.

Also (sadly,) we seem to have a new generation of women who are tolerating these lazy, uninvolved, distant men, and are now making excuses for them, by coming up with all kinds of reasons for how they are, and in some cases, are coming up with all kinds of 'medical/health' reasons.

Good job the mothers of all these children don't endure the same eh, and have to work so much, and get away so they can 'wind down...' Who the fuck would look after the children eh?' Sadly women don't have time to have all these reasons to not be arsed with family life.

Why have a fourth child? Would he not be better off spending more quality time with the 3 he has already got? Does he seems to think it is a good idea as it would involve minimal involvement from him.

Make him choose Xbox or 4th child. one or the other. Seen this before with friend's DH...they like the idea but not the commitment.

I think for a marriage/ family to be happy you need:

1. days out as a family

2. time for yourself (both of your!)

3. time as a couple

It’s not always easy but you need to make it a priority.

I’d personally be furious/ deeply unhappy as the sole carer for my kids.

@Nanny0gg Yeah so whenever he isn’t working yes it’s pretty much do whatever her wants. If I ask him where u going? He replies with are you trying to control me? As in why do i always have to ask him where hes going. He said that’s a mum and son relationship not a husband and wife 😏
Yes I’ll be going back to work very soon as my maternity leave ends soon.

DH is an introvert and really needed his alone time especially with 4 young DC and he had his weekends away and evenings out for hobbies.

However he was absolutely hands on pulled his weight did his share. Hung the laundry out, put it away, put the kids to bed apart from twice a week when he was out. Always checked him going out was ok/not a clash.

His alone time was usually in the evening after the DC were in bed or few a few half hour blocks over the weekend.

Your H is misogynistic to his core he sees it all as your work and he can do as he pleases.

@irene9 I do ask him however not a lot of the time as what annoys me the most is if he has done a “chore” or put the kids to bed for the night thats him done as in he thinks he deserves a reward for every child related or marriage related task. So then I lose out. I lose out anyway tbh. If he puts the kids to bed for one night then that’s it he will guaranteed go out or go to his Xbox room. It’s as if he’s rewarding himself for it.

You'd be nuts to have a forth child with him!

It seems like he is opting out of family life and any attempts by you to discuss it as denounced as ‘controlling him’. No it’s just pulling him up on his selfish and unreasonable behaviour which makes him uncomfortable (as it’s true and he just doesn’t like hearing it.

If I ask him where u going? He replies with are you trying to control me? As in why do i always have to ask him where hes going. He said that’s a mum and son relationship not a husband and wife

Oh I would for sure do this back at him.

His next day off just go put the kids in his xbox room with your coat on and say "off out, bye"

If he pulls the above questioning on you, respond exactly as he has here

Does he know that he is expected to fulfil his role as a parent ? Time to sit him down and tell him you are a team, while you are at it get rid of his xbox room, he is not a teenager.