Can anybody else relate with a husband like mine?!

[Ballsdeep21]

So I’ve been married for 10 years now and have 3 children. Over the years I have noticed my husband can’t seem to spend “too much” time with us as a family. I’m hoping other people can relate or tell me this totally not normal. Say for example iv made breakfast he comes down eventually and eats his breakfast chat for a little bit then he disappears somewhere in the house mainly upstairs. When I mean disappear I mean that he can’t stay with me and the kids for too long. He goes upstairs to bedroom, his Xbox room or he goes gym. Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”. Another example, he will come back from his 2-3hrs at the gym say hi to me and kids go in the shower for forever and then maybe have something to eat then sit with us for again a short amount of time and disappears upstairs again. It’s as if he can not sit down on his backside with us for long at all. I say to him why can’t you just chill in living room watch a bit of telly (although kiddies usually have something on tv) and even if he’s with us he usually has his headsets on or AirPods listening to a podcast or watching some sort of show on his phone. He can not sit still, he moves and twitches all day long if I focus on him. Sometimes I think is there some sort of underlying disorder. He’s always liked his own space after a bit however this is majority of the time now. I say to him chilling isn’t going to be about me and him all the time it’s us all being together as a family. And before anyone says “cheating” or anything of the sort please don’t as that’s not the case. He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time. Does anyone else’s husband/partner act like this.

It sounds like a miserable life for you.
Are you putting him first all the time? Do you have any hobbies?

Does he ever put the kids to bed? Do you ever ask him to.
Surely at the weekends, you get a lie in one day and he gets the other day, that's how most people work it.
Do you think you make room for him to be more responsible for the kids?

He seems to think that you are the 'Mummy' and he's the teenage son, a sibling of the other kids. He texts you to tell you that 'your' baby is awake because he doesn't feel responsible.
Does he do any cooking or anything like that?

My other half is the same. Will put his headphones on while washing the dishes then keep them on for ages, goes into the bedroom on his laptop, or will sit watching YouTube videos or reading various forums. He has an extremely short attention span to the point our 3 year old can sit still for longer periods of time than he can!
He suffers with PTSD, depression & anxiety so I've kinda got used to he needs his own time away from me & the kids for a bit else things get worse.

I don't sit down and watch TV because I find it boring and to me there's always something much better to be doing, my Dad's the same he's always doing something rather than just sat down watching TV so I'm not sure if it's checking out but he needs to help out much more with the children.

Do you ever go out and do things together as a family?

@arethereanyleftatall

Christ, you're very passive about the fact he's leaving all the work to you.

This! You're sort of talking as if it's an interesting mystery to solve, whereas the reason is absolutely crystal clear - he doesn't like the kids, probably doesn't much like you (sorry), and can't be bothered with any of you. He sees the kids as your work, not as the family that he helped create. He's just a pretty standard grade of total twat.

So the children are just your responsibility in his mind?

Just tell him you’re going out. If he says he already has plans it’s tough, he should have cleared it with you in exactly the same way he says you should have cleared it with him. Maybe toss a coin if you’re feeling generous but for the love of god stop accepting all of the burden. Your time is just as precious as his and your worth more than how he is treating you .

Starting booking in weekly regular time slots where he is looking after the kids. You get a lay in at least once per week non-negotiable.

Write down a list of your free time versus his.

He is being an utterly selfish arse.

Wouldn't we all prefer to put headphones on/go to the gym/scroll through mumsnet rather than the mind numbing constant 24-7 chore of children?

@Ballsdeep21 perhaps you need to start planning much more frequent trips out of the house so you are at least getting a break, even if you're not all spending time together. I would take up a weekly hobby if I were you, or have one set night a week where you meet up with a friend for dinner or take yourself out to the cinema or for some exercise. He will then know he looks after them on his own every Wednesday evening, say.

Still doesn't give you the family life you are looking for though but would be a step up from where you are now. Also, he needs set jobs he does with the kids every single night. So he always does bath time for example. Gives you another short break every day.

Not at all fair to effectively abandon you with them 24/7 and not fair on them either!

For the sake of your children and the indisputable fact that they need a happy mother and one who is a positive role model, you need to start prioritising your happiness now. If you don't make changes, 5 years from now, will you wish you had done?

@irene9 yes he puts kids to bed if I ask him. Tbh most of the time he’s not in at bedtime as he’s at the gym or something else. I do all the cooking he does not cook. He’s probably cooked a handful of times during our marriage. Hardly cleans. Might do washing up if he sees it over flowing. And I’d maybe get a lie in once every 2 months or so honestly. Sometimes he takes the kids to school if I say iv had enough and moan to him then he doesn’t come back from the kids drop off as he goes to work out then obviously baby wakes and I technically havnt had a lay in by then.

@Thedogscollar having ADHD isn't an excuse not to spend any time with your own children! It might mean he can't sit and watch a TV programme all the way through but it doesn't mean he can't play with the kids, take them out, do their bathtime with them. He's just being selfish, regardless of any condition he may or may not have.

I wouldn't give him any warning, I would hand him the baby, clothed and fed, and say I am going out for a while, you've got the children. And go.

Ok. I held off for ages. Just ltb. What on Earth is in this relationship for you?

Yes yes he obviously has a rare condition
It’s called - being a cunt that doesn’t like his wife or kids, but has a nice warm home and a hole to fuck every now and again and someone to cook his tea.

@Thursdaymiami
I didn't want to say it, but exactly, exactly, what you said.

It's only the tip of a very big iceberg here but I would hit the roof if DH started texting me to come get the baby so he could stay in bed.

@Thursdaymiami

Yes yes he obviously has a rare condition It’s called - being a cunt that doesn’t like his wife or kids, but has a nice warm home and a hole to fuck every now and again and someone to cook his tea.

And someone to breed from.

My DH and DS have ADHD, it doesn't make them family abandoning arses.
It means that DH likes doing stuff with dc or watching whatever focused interest is currently in vogue.
There are a lot of trips out and not a lot of chill time. But family time as a group is really important to DH as is spending time with dc.

Whatever the issue is it isn't ADHD.

I can’t understand why you’re with this bloke. Like, nothing about it makes one jot of sense.

Sorry but this is not adhd to whoever said that. He's just a lazy man who can't be bothered with family life. Sounds like he is selfish and wants to do his own thing as and when he pleases. I have autism and adhd and I do struggle to sit down and chill but what I do instead is play with my children and clean up, cook, do loads of chores, sort the kids out and their belongings, walk the dog etc etc basically parent. My husband is far from perfect, as you will see from my previous post, but he does stay with us, look after the kids and house and parent them.

I knew before I even opened the thread that there would be an xbox or playstation involved another pathetic man child. Sadly there seem to be plenty on here.

What I’ll never understand is why men like this seem to want more children?! You see it all the time on here. I get that they aren’t doing the grunt work but I just find it baffling.
OP I feel for you- it is absolutely not on that you only get a lie in every couple of months whereas he has one every weekend. I have one DC & my partner is really involved & I still find it hard. You must be drowning. This is not on at all.

[quote Ballsdeep21]@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow yes he works 3-4 days a week and is self employed[/quote]
3-4 days a week?

And most of the rest of the time is his to do as he wishes?

He's having a larf (or his cake and eating it)

Are you going back to work? You need to.

OP this is totally unacceptable, and he is taking you for an absolute mug. Don't let him get away with it! Quite apart from the fact that you shouldn't have to live like that, do you want your dc to grow up with this as their model of how a marriage/family should be? He's not going to change. Either leave or you are stuck being the ignored skivvy for good. Your dc will soon realise how uninterested their father is in them,and if you have sons, they will likely begin to treat you as he does.

He sees you and the kids as a unit and himself as separate, which by the look of the OP you have come to as well

I knew someone who thought the programme “outnumbered” was so called due to the Dad being outnumbered by his family (incl the mum) rather than the parents outnumbered by the children. Says it all really!