Can anybody else relate with a husband like mine?!

[Ballsdeep21]

So I’ve been married for 10 years now and have 3 children. Over the years I have noticed my husband can’t seem to spend “too much” time with us as a family. I’m hoping other people can relate or tell me this totally not normal. Say for example iv made breakfast he comes down eventually and eats his breakfast chat for a little bit then he disappears somewhere in the house mainly upstairs. When I mean disappear I mean that he can’t stay with me and the kids for too long. He goes upstairs to bedroom, his Xbox room or he goes gym. Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”. Another example, he will come back from his 2-3hrs at the gym say hi to me and kids go in the shower for forever and then maybe have something to eat then sit with us for again a short amount of time and disappears upstairs again. It’s as if he can not sit down on his backside with us for long at all. I say to him why can’t you just chill in living room watch a bit of telly (although kiddies usually have something on tv) and even if he’s with us he usually has his headsets on or AirPods listening to a podcast or watching some sort of show on his phone. He can not sit still, he moves and twitches all day long if I focus on him. Sometimes I think is there some sort of underlying disorder. He’s always liked his own space after a bit however this is majority of the time now. I say to him chilling isn’t going to be about me and him all the time it’s us all being together as a family. And before anyone says “cheating” or anything of the sort please don’t as that’s not the case. He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time. Does anyone else’s husband/partner act like this.

[quote Thursdaymiami]@Ilovealido
I think it’s so the wife cannot leave. Because most women do leave men like this once thief children are young adults. If the bloke can string that out for another 15 years then all is well for them[/quote]
Yes. This. He knows he’s onto a good thing.

*He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time.

You’re only ‘not so certain’ about having another child with this lazy git?!!! Why would you even consider it, especially as one of your DCs is still a baby? How old are your other kids? Not including that man child you married? I can guess already that he must be a teenager, so 15/16?

@Thursdaymiami that's not nice. I've not said anything about my family. You are making 2+2=9

@BeardyButton
Not at all financial. I fully support myself financially and mainly the kids too. I basically don’t take a penny off him. It’s only recent that he has been able to contribute to the family. Prior to that I was pretty much paying for most things including bills. I just thought have patience things will change. I will be going back to work part time soon can’t do it all and work full time.

Seriously what’s the point of him? Sounds like he takes on the role of a teenager rather than a partner and father. At least if you split he’d have the kids sometimes and you’d get a break.

Like pp, my first thought is that he may be neurodivergent - potentially asd and/or adhd

@Fros

Like pp, my first thought is that he may be neurodivergent - potentially asd and/or adhd

You cannot diagnose "asd and/or ADHD" from posts on the internet and you have no right to attempt to.

You have clearly not bothered to read the thread if you believe that this lazy, selfish, useless prick requires your ill informed diagnosis rather than divorce papers. What do people like you get out of defending vile men like this?

Yup, ‘checked out’ and useless.

Don’t have another DC.

Yes I was married to someone exactly like this. Some of his behaviours:

Played sport all weekend, every weekend including Bank Holidays for most of the year. Didn't play to a very high level but it was treated like additional employment and given sacred status. Didn't form close relationships with any work/sporting companions though despitethe amount of time he spent there. Rarely if ever met up with his 'best' friend.

Worked away from home at least three days a week. Only twigged after we split up that he was using up most of his annual leave on some of these away days without telling me .

Didn't initiate any social life for us as a couple or family but organised as much time away from us as possible for himself.

Would begrudgingly come along to family days out if pushed but would be silent most of the time and unengaged. Totally boring.

Would encourage me to go away to friends for the weekend but would allow our DD to plague me with calls begging me to come home. Would use the services of my friends to offload her if possible so he could play sport.

Would come home from work, eat the dinner prepared for him then sit with laptop in front of the TV all evening surfing sports websites.

Wouldn't walk next to me, would be striding ahead even on dog walks.

Got up very early to disappear out of the house on weekends, any excuse. Go to bed early hours of the morning long time after me.

Shut down and ignored me throughout my pregnancy. Wouldn't discuss anything about the addition to the family. Didn't know how he felt until it happened ie how it would stop his independence. We ended up having IVF to try for another child. Unsurprisingly.

I was basically alone for most of the marriage, a single parent but he did a very good job of playing the 'family' man in public. It was utterly miserable being married to him.

In therapy I realised he is dismissive avoidant and couldn't tolerate much intimacy. It would require a lot of therapy to improve his issues which of course he would never do as he saw nothing wrong with him. I was the problem in his eyes.

I know a few people like this. Some men have kids to keep their partner/souse happy rather than actually wanting them and when they come they find it difficult.

He sounds like the lodger who does you the occasional favour. I’d pack up his Xbox, put a lock on the door & have that room for myself. You know what you have to do OP, he’s pointless.

Interestingly when I asked him why he had got married if he never wanted to be home, he said he liked having someone there. In hindsight it made him look 'normal' to the outside world.

He also couldn't sit still, was always chomping at the bit to disappear. I was very envious of a friend who used to have long leisurely breakfasts in the garden with her husband on the weekends.

My god. So he’s and areshole and you pay for everything
Can you just read back your own comments please if nothing else
It’s not normal it’s a totally abnormal family life.

so he doesnt contribute at all - why are you so passive about a relationship that is far from normal.

What does he bring to your life? Why are you settling for this?

Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”.

This will sound awful (for which I apologise) - but my first thought on reading this was that you were describing my teenage daughter rather than my husband….!

Oh my gosh.. A lodger teenager husband who gets an easy life playing xbox in paid home and who can swan off every day and come downstairs for dinner. I'm gobsmacked anyone would put up with all of that. It's mad. OP you're level of what is acceptable is dangerously low.

You need to have a serious talk and ask him what's going on, and explain what you'd like from him.

My FIL is like this, but then again he's almost 70. He briefly acknowledges visitors/family/grandkids have arrived and then shuts himself away in his TV room, watching the same three sitcoms over and over while MIL does all the entertaining, cooking, tidying. Sometimes he doesn't even emerge to greet us for an hour or so after we've arrived. DP says he's always been like it. No way would I put up with that!

Sod that for a game of soldiers. It sounds like he's a freeloader. You're obviously not happy, and you'd probably have more free time if you split from him. And FYI ADHD doesn't make you a selfish cunt like this bloke. I have ADHD, just no, stop it.

Take this over to relationships.

If he’s as restless as you describe—- having to walk around living room/ kitchen rather than sitting then maybe there is something wrong. It’s only a thought —- could he be using drugs? That might account for the restlessness.
I’m assuming you only have his word he’s spent 2-3 hours at the gym?
Was he always like this, or can you pinpoint when this behaviour started ?

I just don’t understand in this day and age how so many women can have such little respect for themselves

Yes practically identical here op except I don't even get a lay in every 2 months. Have been pregnant and breastfeeding for the past 8 years. (4 kids) I work from home for dh. We have our own business. But he is the same as your dh but no xbox. Its exhausting and relentless. It is a cultural thing for us though and not easy to change. Many will say it is but when you have grown up like this, change is very difficult

What a waster! What is the point of him? No money, no kindness, no support. UGH.

@Cupcakeschocolate

Yes practically identical here op except I don't even get a lay in every 2 months. Have been pregnant and breastfeeding for the past 8 years. (4 kids) I work from home for dh. We have our own business. But he is the same as your dh but no xbox. Its exhausting and relentless. It is a cultural thing for us though and not easy to change. Many will say it is but when you have grown up like this, change is very difficult

'When you have grown up like this, it's difficult to make the change'

Isn't that precisely why you should stick your brave boots on and be the one to make the change. Otherwise your dds find themselves in the same awful cycle.

My FIL was just like this. Basically he was a married bachelor leaving MIL to do 99% of parenting. FIL never attended any parents' evenings, Sports Day, Prize Giving. DH played three sports at County level but FIL never once watched him play. FIL spent every evening in the pub with his cronies and every weekend watching sport. It was touch and go whether FIL even attended DH's graduation.

Whenever we visited he would sit in State in his study and you would be expected to briefly poke your head round the door to day hello. He wouldn't have dreamed of coming out of his lair to greet anyone. DH was 27 the first time his Dad actually invited him to join him for a pint in the pub.

His family organised a big BBQ for his 60th. FIL refused to come out in the garden, just sat in his study sulking for the whole afternoon because he wasn't in the pub watching sport.

Such an empty, husk of a man. He died relatively young 3 years ago - though I would argue that that was just when we buried him. He'd never really been alive.

I wonder if all the women on here experiencing this type of husband would feel happy that their daughter was treated this way.