Can anybody else relate with a husband like mine?!

[Ballsdeep21]

So I’ve been married for 10 years now and have 3 children. Over the years I have noticed my husband can’t seem to spend “too much” time with us as a family. I’m hoping other people can relate or tell me this totally not normal. Say for example iv made breakfast he comes down eventually and eats his breakfast chat for a little bit then he disappears somewhere in the house mainly upstairs. When I mean disappear I mean that he can’t stay with me and the kids for too long. He goes upstairs to bedroom, his Xbox room or he goes gym. Like literally he can’t spend more than say maybe 30 mins with us before having to “leave”. Another example, he will come back from his 2-3hrs at the gym say hi to me and kids go in the shower for forever and then maybe have something to eat then sit with us for again a short amount of time and disappears upstairs again. It’s as if he can not sit down on his backside with us for long at all. I say to him why can’t you just chill in living room watch a bit of telly (although kiddies usually have something on tv) and even if he’s with us he usually has his headsets on or AirPods listening to a podcast or watching some sort of show on his phone. He can not sit still, he moves and twitches all day long if I focus on him. Sometimes I think is there some sort of underlying disorder. He’s always liked his own space after a bit however this is majority of the time now. I say to him chilling isn’t going to be about me and him all the time it’s us all being together as a family. And before anyone says “cheating” or anything of the sort please don’t as that’s not the case. He talks about wanting to have another child but I’m not so certain tbh considering he’s hardly with us. I’m currently on maternity leave so am home 24/7 basically and obviously bored out of my head myself and have children to interact with most of the time. Does anyone else’s husband/partner act like this.

I cannot believe you have had 3 children with this selfish waster.

He is a shit husband and a shit father.

What EXACTLY is the point of him?

He has zero interest in you or the children.

I would want him gone.

He sounds so awful.

You poor woman.

Have you ANY family to support you?

Your poor child having such a selfish waster for a father.

[quote Thedogscollar]@Ballsdeep21
From what you have described being able to even sit, constantly wandering around the house I'd say your husband might have ADHD.
My husband and son have this condition and it's annoying to see on here it being labelled as checking out of family life.
Read up on it and jm sure you will see other traits in his personality that match the ADHD type.[/quote]
I am exactly like this and I have ADHD and I absolutely adore my son and love spending time with him.

It's just easy to go from one thing to another because there's that constant search for ✨dopamine✨

Look. I know this is monumentally unhelpful. I fully realise it is. But the question is so obvious.

Why did you keep having more children with him? I have a hands-on DH who parents his kids and called it quits at 2.

You have three and he wants a fourth? Why?

Besides anything else, if (hopefully when) you decide to go it alone, it’s that much harder due to the number of kids.

I don’t know what advice people can give you because he’s not going to change.

I do wish you all the best.

What was he like when you had just one kid?

I don’t really understand why you are putting up with his behaviour?

Cheek of him wanting another child when he doesn't bother with the ones he's got.

Useless baggage.

@Polmuggle yes we do family days out but im the one that plans everything and bring up ideas with what to do with the kids. I have turned into more of a homebody since having kids don’t know if that’s a natural thing or the fact it’s takes a lot to take the kids out and I find it difficult doing it alone eventhough I do take them out myself. It’s just that even if we go out as a family I know I’d be doing the majority of the duties after we come back home. So say for example we go out and when we come back home he’d happily disappear off in the house probably Xbox or relaxing in the bedroom. I’d be the one undressing the kids, bath time, tea, then bedtime. Like I’m exhausted from being out with them naturally and then coming home being on the go. So a lot of the time the kids suffer as I think what’s point of going out as I’ll be the one to have to do all the bits required when we come home. Doesn’t matter if I tell him or not. Shouldn’t it be automatic to think let’s sort the kids out together and then we can have us time. Why is it automatic for us and not for them.

No. I suspect I'm a bit like that, I'm with the DC all week so when they've Dad home I slink off.
I'm generally a person who would be described as ants in my pants I'm always on the hop.
I like nights alone watching TV or tidying once the DC are sleeping.
I don't know why.

He’ll never change. No matter what happens. He’ll never change. Start making plans for what you’ll do when you inevitably decide you can’t take any more of being treated like an unpaid servant. You’re unintentionally setting a bad example to your children of what a relationship looks like. This is their normal. Do you want them to be in the same position as you when they’re older?

So say for example we go out and when we come back home he’d happily disappear off in the house probably Xbox or relaxing in the bedroom. I’d be the one undressing the kids, bath time, tea, then bedtime. Like I’m exhausted from being out with them naturally and then coming home being on
Given the update he is shrieking his responsibility and being a selfish shit.
That is not on.
I'd slink off once things were done.
As for planning days out my DP is the same, but he is hands on otherwise.

He’s acting like he’s your older kid.

My dh can be like this especially when he has low mood, but we address it now. The only thing I will say is he goes off to work or clean or tidy or sort diy for the family. He's not shirking duties just not being with kids. It's not fair if you're doing all the tasks so talk to him.

My father was like this. Almost zero interaction with me. Beyond shouting and being mentally and sometimes physically abusive.

Had no relationship with him in my adult life and did not go to his funeral as he was never a father as far as I am concerned.

Your situation might not be that extreme as mine but why have kids and a partner if you want nothing to do with them most the time?

@Ilovealido

What I’ll never understand is why men like this seem to want more children?! You see it all the time on here. I get that they aren’t doing the grunt work but I just find it baffling. OP I feel for you- it is absolutely not on that you only get a lie in every couple of months whereas he has one every weekend. I have one DC & my partner is really involved & I still find it hard. You must be drowning. This is not on at all.

It's so that The Wife will be so busy that she'll STFU and let them get on with their playing/hobby/whatever.

He is lazy.

In your shoes, I would walk out the door without saying a word and text him to let him know that I was gone: 'Your turn to parent. I'll be back in 3 hours once I've also had some down time".

I wouldn't cook for him unless he cooked for me.

I wouldn't do his washing unless he also did mine.

I would start timing his down-time and asking him to pay me babysitting rates. 'You were on your Xbox for 3 hours tonight and didn't help with bedtime. That's £15 you owe me for babysitting for you please".

But I'm quite petty.

What is the point of him

I'd get my ducks in a row and see a solicitor.

What's the housing/financial position, OP?

What an utterly pathetic, lazy, self-obsessed, selfish, waste of space. Jesus kick him out and enjoy you & your kids. Make him pay his fatherly share in time/finance and you won't have to endure seeing this unacceptable behaviour under your roof. Your children will also need to understand this is no role model! Perhaps send him all MN input, to demonstrate it's not just you nagging. Bloody cheek of him.

@Ilovealido

What I’ll never understand is why men like this seem to want more children?! You see it all the time on here. I get that they aren’t doing the grunt work but I just find it baffling. OP I feel for you- it is absolutely not on that you only get a lie in every couple of months whereas he has one every weekend. I have one DC & my partner is really involved & I still find it hard. You must be drowning. This is not on at all.

I imagine it's so that he can benefit from other people assuming that he's a fully engaged father who 'needs a break' rather than a lazy man child who prioritises the gym and his x box over his wife and children. That way he can have his cake and eat it and do what he wants when he wants without people realising what a selfish shit he is.

Maybe you could make a standing arrangement, for example, every Saturday you go out and it's his day with the kids. Enrol in a class maybe.

He’s treating you like the live in help, constantly tied to children and chores. You aren’t even nearly his equal sorry.

@Ilovealido
I think it’s so the wife cannot leave. Because most women do leave men like this once thief children are young adults. If the bloke can string that out for another 15 years then all is well for them

I'm like your DH. I've just been sent for an ASD assessment.

What is the point of men like this?

Op what does he add to your lives? Is it merely financial?

Right love.

To sum up. Leave him.

You're the main earner. You're doing all the family work. You're not getting anything out of the relationship.

Get the hell out!