I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me

[PinkFing]

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

ah diddums

wtf you could have been seriously ill but please be quiet because the men is sleeping

prick

@PinkFing

Thanks for all your messages. On reflection I’m definitely not going to combine our Konya and keep getting mat leave paid to me. I think he worries as his own mum got into massive debt through catalogues when he was younger.

I’m still really hurt by his actions and after a sleep I’m feeling less forgiving.

He’s called and I reminded him that he was getting annoyed with my pain noises last night and he said he was sorry and must have been half asleep.

But it's ok for him to spend money "partying" hard? You really need to up your expectations.

Half asleep...... nah, it doesn't wash with me.

If I was in that much pain (and I have severe migraines as well as having had several bouts of Pancreatitis) that I was on the floor in that state, my husband would have woke up quick smart in a panic, terrified something was wrong with me. He would have been so worried and alert to something being wrong, he would have been as awake as if someone tipped a large bucket of water right over him. He wouldn't be 'half asleep' if he thought something was wrong with me. Hearing me cry out like that would have jolted him awake.

Him being 'half asleep' is just not good enough. What if there is an emergency with you or one of the DCs, would he still be too 'half asleep' to get up? No, you'd be up like a shot as if water was thrown over you or a fire alarm went off. That he considered you of such a less priority that he was 'half asleep' when his 37 week pregnant mother of his child was in pain/danger says everything. His excuse is simply not good enough. When you have a partner and/or children, you don't get the luxury of that as an excuse. He's a bastard.

Good on you for keeping the maternity money, start putting some away to leave when you are stronger and gathered your self esteem. I'd also encourage him to buy/save for a car, it's the least he can do to provide for his family. Though he'll probably be too 'half asleep' to drive it in an emergency....

I say this as kindly as I can OP, but you're deluded. He won't change. If you growing his baby doesn't show him what change is needed, nothing will.

He doesn't like being woken at night? Who the fuck does? How on earth do you think he'll react to being woken up every hour, night after night? Because babies certainly don't get the 'dad doesn't like being woken up at night' memo.

You're minimising and defending his behaviour because he's thrown you some crumbs to keep you sweet.

I'm 37 weeks today and there's no way my oh would have let me take myself. Sounds like an uncaring dick. I'm sorry you are experiencing this without support. Work or not he's being an awful support system at the most important time. Regardless if he was allowed in, he should have cared enough to take you.

37 weeks is full term, you could’ve gone in and had the baby! Especially if you thought it could be pre eclampsia.

@Totalwasteofpaper

Also as other suggest- give the baby your name and dont register him on the birth cert.

If he is the Prince you think he is you can change it in a few years. If he is a useless and /or absent partner and father your life will be MUCH easier this way.

You can’t legally deny a father putting his name on the birth certificate, he can go to court and the court will change the birth certificate. That’s a really unpleasant thing to do both to the father AND the child. Kids have the right to know who their dad is.

I am really pissed off and upset about it. That’s why I posted.

Whose idea was a baby OP ?

How long have you been together. Do you both have stable jobs ? Have you bought a house or do you rent one with your name on the deeds/tenancy ?

Basically - were you BOTH ready for a baby ? Or was this something you wanted and decided to do. Presenting him with a positive pregnancy test - expecting him to step up ?
Only you know the true answer to that. Most will reply that 'he was really happy when I realised I was pregnant' when the reality is that most unmarried men in their early thirties are not hankering after kids but don't want to look like complete dicks when faced with a pregnancy. (So much more education is needed with young men when it comes to guarding their own fertility - but that's a whole other thread)

If he was genuinely as keen as you to have a child then with luck he will embrace the reality of fatherhood and be the man you hope he will be.

If however - this was a decision driven by you in the hope he would get on board - the 'reality' could make him run for the hills. Which means you need to be prepared.

We both REALLY want one. It was a joint decision but I’ve realised through pregnancy that we’ve been a bit hasty.

We rent a tiny flat. We both have stable jobs though.

We’ve been together for 5 years.

Blimey, that's pretty cold hearted OP to let you deal with this yourself when you're carrying his child. And it's not a very good sign of the future ahead of you.

You need to establish some very firm boundaries of what you're not prepared to tolerate here, and let him know.

Op’s unmarried so she can’t put him on birth certificate. If he accompanies her to registration he can be named. If he cba going to hospital with her in pain at 37 weeks he probably cba going to the council offices with Op to register baby.
I certainly wouldn’t rush to register birth. See how he is. Being vile because he was half asleep doesn’t bode well for you all sleep deprived with a newborn. If he goes on birth certificate he gets parental responsibility which could cause op issues down the line. Baby can know who dad is whether he’s on birth certificate or not.

Nasty to tell you to shut up when you were ill and to take no interest. It doesn't bode well for how he will be looking after a baby.

Look after yourself Op and make best decisions for you and baby.
Rethink your language he’s not helping you he will be parenting same as you.
I hope he surprises you but it doesn’t sound promising. Please make sure you have real life support.

Sweet text the morning after?
I’d rather have a good cup of tea.

Thank goodness you've backed off paying your ML into his account, terrible idea. And please don't cut back on your work and then try and pay for everything you are currently paying for out of a reduced salary - baby expenses should be shared.

@PinkFing please cue up any RL support - it's weird and inexcusable to shout at your heavily pg partner when they're in pain.

I've got two dc, and we've had many crises where my dh or I have not behaved as we might've wished through sheer exhaustion, but at 37 weeks pg with the first one? No way.

Oh no, this does not bode well. The pair of you need to wake up and grow up quick smart! The amount of women on here who have babies with a charming waste of space because they think it will change him into the man they want rather than the man they have just scares the life out of me. If he's this useless now whats he going to be like when you have a grumpy, sleepless 6 month old and you're to sore and exhausted for sex.

He needs to seriously up his game and you need to up your expectations. Men will only get away with as much as you allow so set your stall now and don't stand for anything less.

Good luck OP, I hope you start to feel better soon and that the birth goes well, but please. If you can't expect more for you, expect more for your child

I keep telling him he's got to help me

Nobody is ever going to get anywhere so long as women are talking about the father of their children "helping" them. MN is stuffed full of threads by women who have saddled themselves with useless men. Some of the uselessness (not all of it, by any means) comes from women assuming that men are not as capable of being parents as they are. OP, he won't be "helping" you. He will be a parent to his child, and you both need to internalise this idea.

I'm glad you're going to have your maternity pay sent to your own account. You're going to have to stop shopping for a while, but you must know that.

O shit. "fantasied he’d turn into a stereotypical over protective dad to be and he hasn’t yet."

This never works... probably he'll be opposite to that. And indifferent like he already is

And like pp said:mumsnet is full with threads with women who have babies with useless men :(

Adjust your expectations now. But also:tell him what you expect him to do.

But this is a conco that should be had before trying for a baby really

My DH wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like that. He know without doubt he would have done everything in his power to help and support me. He sounds like a selfish knob.

I would go ballistic if my son in law hadn’t cared properly for my daughter when she was pregnant and became ill ( pre eclampsia)
Being woken at night and having work in the morning are no excuses whatsoever when the health of your partner and unborn baby are potentially at risk.
You mention your thoughts of how he would be when you dreamt of being pregnant —- dreams are not the same as reality. I can dream of being a size 6, tall 30 something —- ain’t never going to happen.
You are responsible for yourself and your baby and you have to live in the real world. It’s essential you keep your finances in your name, your account —- who’s told you you’re rubbish at finance? Simple booking keeping, keeping a track on your spending is easy. And it’s essential you have money in reserve, you might need it one day.
I hope you’re feeling better, migraines are the pits at any time but more so when pregnant. Rest up, keep calm but put some plans in place. If you never need them that’s fine but just in case.
Good luck with the next few weeks, hope all goes well.

Update: I defo don’t have preeclampsia and I managed to get home tonight. I’m still pissed off with him but I’m also aware I know the real him better than a snapshot on a website.

He’ll be home later and said he’s really glad I’m okay and home. I’m not minimising and it has changed my expectations once again but I don’t want one shitty action determine what is meant to be an exciting adventure for us.

You are 37 weeks pregnant.
He told you to quiet
He didn't go to the hospital
He let you get a taxi alone - I'll, heavily pregnant and no doubt, anxious and scared
He didn't collect you & let you make your own way home
He isn't even at home to meet you now

Anything could have happened you and/or your baby.
He prioritised sleep.

You are at your most vulnerable right now.
He chose sleep over you, your baby & both of your health.

He really needs to step up.
I couldn't tolerate someone who let me down so badly when I needed them most.

Never give a kid the surname of a boyfriend
Never hand over financial control to a boyfriend
Never expect anyone to radically change who they are as a result of impregnating you.
Um…good luck with this. Yikes.