Has my date stolen my keys??

[Wilhelmine]

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

Glad you trusted your gut OP.

strange comments saying not every man is a psychopath, well no, but psychopaths do exist.....

I don't know how he'd pick up your keys by accident but to go from ''i don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out'' to not responding to your text to ask about keys is a row of red flags from here to the moon.

So well done for trusting your gut.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.vogue.com/article/trump-women-hysteria-and-history/amp

Accusations of hysteria are old as the wind. Perhaps Goody Cool girl needs to educate herself (but follow up with a week of bedrest, you wouldn't want your domestic disposition to be interrupted)

Yes @AnFiadhRua, that’s what I thought. As an isolated incident, well maybe.....but too many other things to take into account. Feel well-rested this morning!

Catching up and re-reading. You are all lovely and I’m so glad I made the decision I made to change locks and have no regrets about how much it cost because it needed to be done. He could see how distressed I was yesterday morning when he brought the keys back and has now gone silent which is good. Hopefully he’s appreciated that I’m angry with him and will leave me alone.

In a world where women can't even be 100% sure that a police officer isn't going to abduct and rape her because male - I'll take the 'hysteria' every time.

What OP has taken from the length of this thread and the tone of most of the comments is validation. And she says that that has helped. Rather 'hysteria' than a lot of wide-eyed comments about how most men are decent and yes dump him but it was probably an accident etc.

If one meek, more nervous woman than most on here reads a thread like this and takes a step towards okaying it with herself that red flags can and should be responded to with utter suspicion and a take no prisoners attitude, that no man deserves the benefit of her doubt when her safety and peace of mind is in question - good job I say.

People are writing mini essays how, patronising everyone in the vicinity. And 'Goody Cool girl'. Do you realise how stupid that sounds and your accompanying argument?

If one meek, more nervous woman than most on here reads a thread like this and takes a step towards okaying it with herself that red flags can and should be responded to with utter suspicion and a take no prisoners attitude, that no man deserves the benefit of her doubt when her safety and peace of mind is in question - good job I say.

Exactly. And for the record, OP, I met a lovely man when we were both in our mid/ late 40s. We've been together a few years now. They are out there and it can happen later in life. But along the way there may be some men who do have ill intent. You owe them nothing, not even politeness.

It was meant to be patronising.
Mission accomplished

Glad you have had a good rest op. Always trust your instincts.

@BertramLacey

If one meek, more nervous woman than most on here reads a thread like this and takes a step towards okaying it with herself that red flags can and should be responded to with utter suspicion and a take no prisoners attitude, that no man deserves the benefit of her doubt when her safety and peace of mind is in question - good job I say.

Exactly. And for the record, OP, I met a lovely man when we were both in our mid/ late 40s. We've been together a few years now. They are out there and it can happen later in life. But along the way there may be some men who do have ill intent. You owe them nothing, not even politeness.

@BertramLacey - exactly what I was saying. But it doesn't even need to apply to meek, nervous women, I (and other women I know) have been targeted by abusive men and we are not meek or nervous (though have the potential to be).

The thing I'd say to OP (and to other women) is what @BertramLacey says - there are some men who do have ill intent - even the ones you think you know very well indeed. You do not owe them anything.

I think this man thought he knew you more than he thought he did (being invited into your home etc) and by offering to buy you an expensive item of furniture that can sort of say 'ownership' or the fact that he's the kind of man who can afford/want to buy this for you is another red flag in my opinion.

You also don't just 'go off with someone's keys'. He knew how tidy you keep your house, knew that you would worry and couldn't be arsed to reply to your calls and texts about this - until the next day, it's like he's playing a game with you. I'm not saying he's an axe murderer or anything but you never know, a man with all this knowledge at his hands could turn nasty and the next thing is both your names are in the newspapers.

Hope things get better for you OP and don't worry too much about it now, it's been sorted, just avoid this creep.

@BertramLacey

If one meek, more nervous woman than most on here reads a thread like this and takes a step towards okaying it with herself that red flags can and should be responded to with utter suspicion and a take no prisoners attitude, that no man deserves the benefit of her doubt when her safety and peace of mind is in question - good job I say.

Exactly. And for the record, OP, I met a lovely man when we were both in our mid/ late 40s. We've been together a few years now. They are out there and it can happen later in life. But along the way there may be some men who do have ill intent. You owe them nothing, not even politeness.

This has really helped me. I'm strong and experienced and married in my 40's. Yet still there is a man that makes me feel very very uncomfortable that I see on my travels. I always feel I have to be polite. I don't.

@Wilhelmine

Catching up and re-reading. You are all lovely and I’m so glad I made the decision I made to change locks and have no regrets about how much it cost because it needed to be done. He could see how distressed I was yesterday morning when he brought the keys back and has now gone silent which is good. Hopefully he’s appreciated that I’m angry with him and will leave me alone.

It is possible that he thought you would go to bed without noticing and intended to arrive with coffee and breakfast early, leaving the keys in the process. Or that he left it because he wanted you to be worried so he could be a saviour. Plan well and truly spoiled either way.

Fresh locks are great. Good luck with dating, I hope your next date is a kind and decent man.

OP - just watch out that you remain in control of the narrative amongst friends and the dog walking community - beware that he might try to portray you as unbalanced.

I ran this thread by my male partner just out of curiosity I guess to see how he as a man would react. His immediate response - call the police - followed by - oh good she's changing the locks - then - why were his keys identical, had he seen her keys before?

Interesting as he is totally the sort of person to pick things up without noticing, definitely not hysterical. I know he doesn't speak for all men but it was interesting to get a perspective from a person who doesn't spend his life 'being careful'.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

OP - just watch out that you remain in control of the narrative amongst friends and the dog walking community - beware that he might try to portray you as unbalanced.

I don't think she's said anything accusatory to him though. I got the impression she is going to say it's not working out, goodbye or something to that effect. I would anyway, I would not be dragged into a debate about it.

I don't think she's said anything accusatory to him though. I got the impression she is going to say it's not working out, goodbye or something to that effect

No - but it is also about what he says and people's perceptions (often with internalised misogyny which is why the 'my ex was crazy' line still works).

Good point @YetAnotherSpartacus I hadn't thought of that. Hopefully he's not that entrenched in any circles she's in.

Hm. I cannot believe some posters on this thread. Every time your keys go missing, you change the locks. If they go missing and then turn up - you change the locks. My house insurance is invalid if someone simply lets themselves in. I have locks that you need a number for and then you can write to the company to request an extra key, you cannot copy them at the locksmith. When I had used a locksmith not once had they asked me any questions. Why would they?
Glad you changed the locks OP. And buying chocolate and flowers before the date is weird, you're right.

@Nowomenaroundeh

I ran this thread by my male partner just out of curiosity I guess to see how he as a man would react. His immediate response - call the police - followed by - oh good she's changing the locks - then - why were his keys identical, had he seen her keys before?

Interesting as he is totally the sort of person to pick things up without noticing, definitely not hysterical. I know he doesn't speak for all men but it was interesting to get a perspective from a person who doesn't spend his life 'being careful'.

I agree.

I don't believe his excuses for a moment.

I take things out of my pockets, and put them in a pile. Wallet, phone, keys, loose change. I do not put them in a pile on top of somebody else's keys. When I pick them up, I am capable of counting the number of bunches of keys I pick up. I look at what I am picking up so I don't forget anything.

My keys are fairly unique, there is a particular brand and size of mortice key, in brass, and a car key (only one) of a particular brand and design, and a couple of Supermarket tags. It would be amazing if I met someobody who had an identical set, and still more amazing if they put their keys next to mine, and incredible if I picked up both bunches at the same time and put them both in my pocket at the same time without noticing.

however, if I had ill intent, I could easily photograph somebody's keys, and assemble a similar looking bunch at my leisure prior to purloining their set.

If I had very ill intent, I could go to the local 24 hour Supermarket and get copies cut at the Timpsons desk which opens at 8am. If I was that sort of person, I could hope to later conceal them in the person's home where they would turn up later and might plausibly be considered to have been mislaid.

He absolutely took the keys on purpose and hung onto them until the morning on purpose. Whether to copy them, or just to play a control game. You did absolutely did the right thing in changing the locks so fast and binning him.

Good point YetAnotherSpartacus I hadn't thought of that. Hopefully he's not that entrenched in any circles she's in

:) Hopefully!

I’m a person who normally sees the good in others (though am often disappointed!). But I don’t believe this man took those keys accidentally, not even for a second, so the thread really rattled me. I was genuinely surprised at people believing his story to the extent of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, the main thing is he’s gone, Pffff! Hopefully he’ll not bother her again and it’s onwards and upwards for the OP now she’s changed the locks.

He could see how distressed I was yesterday morning when he brought the keys back
And I'm guessing he didn't comment or give the impression he was sorry for causing your distress?
You're well rid of him.

Yeah Now my Dh is way more suspicious of other men than I or most women are. Women often do the “aww he’s ok” defence that we have seen on this thread - men tend not to which I find quite interesting.

@MsTSwift

Yeah Now my Dh is way more suspicious of other men than I or most women are. Women often do the “aww he’s ok” defence that we have seen on this thread - men tend not to which I find quite interesting.

I agree with this. An old man on our estate has started giving my DD a £1 for her money box when we're out with the dog. I think it's kind, my DP thinks it's suspicious