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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has my date stolen my keys??

999 replies

Wilhelmine · 28/11/2021 23:48

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 30/11/2021 03:00

@TarasCrazyTiara

Not to be hysterical, but if hysteria is ever brought back into the medical dictionary it will be this thread that started it.
It really is marvellous that you have lived a life so free of encounters with unwanted attention from men, from stalkers, from men who bash you up when you say you don't want a second date (which happened to me when I was nineteen), and from fellows with obsessive bents and strange fixations, etc etc. But please do not mock others who have, or encourage women to ignore their instincts. We already ignore our instincts out of socialisation to be 'nice'.
RantyAunty · 30/11/2021 03:12

* But please do not mock others who have, or encourage women to ignore their instincts. We already ignore our instincts out of socialisation to be 'nice'.*

Well said. It's known that the biggest health risk to women isn't a disease. The biggest health risk to women, are men.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 30/11/2021 03:49

@mumda

Clare's law:

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/

It's for info about any prior domestic violence incidents - which may not apply here but perhaps reported stalkerish behaviour/incidents would also be provided

And no, I don't think the person you request info on has to have done anything per se for you to be able to make the request

TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 03:49

@milkyaqua

I’m really genuinely sorry that that happened. All I’m saying is by all means have suspicions and change locks and listen to your gut, but also accept that you may not be correct. It’s the total certainty with which some posters speak of this guy surely having malicious intent which is insane.

alsochangednameforthis · 30/11/2021 05:35

@Wilhelmine, I am very pleased that you have changed your locks.

I have name changed for this but been in here for a few years. Sorry I am a tad late to the party but I am very relieved you got the locks changed.

I changed all the locks on our doors and You Tube is your friend here. You just need a screwdriver and a measuring tape.

Just to say I would advise never order locks for your own house online to be delivered to your home address.

Always buy them from a locksmith shop or B&Q or Wickes etc in person.

They take minutes to fit. Usually you need a 5 lever mortise lock British Standard for insurance purposes.

If it's a cylinder for a patio sliding door or a UPVC front door get an anti-bump not just anti snap.

www.lockandkey.co.uk/products/multi-lock-xp-euro-cylinder-bs-ts007-3-star-multilock-xp-keys-31419/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAkZKNBhDiARIsAPsk0WgZIkrPkVZSABtBz_DvhCWu6vrJ5_49xVZUQ5Pa5C8p9TEuLsThj_IaAoLDEALw_wcB

Measure the barrel from the outside edge to the centre of the screw then again for the inside (as in don't just rely on the overall door thickness - the two sides differ depending on your door and lock)

I did it in minutes as I didn't trust the crappy 1 star (not even British Standard) locks which came with the new doors fitted. A a week after the double glazing fitted them there was someone in our garden at 1am....

I changed the whole bloody lot myself and made sure i checked out the best anti bump (which can be nudged quietly in broad daylight discreetly by a burglar rather than snapped loudly).

Just enjoy your new found freedom away from that guy it does not sit well for more than one reason.

evelynhugo · 30/11/2021 06:00

Agree with PP, he must have realised he had two sets of keys when he unlocked his door or emptied his pockets that night. It would have been normal to immediately call and let you know. Definite red flags OP, I'm glad you changed your locks.

BorderlineHappy · 30/11/2021 06:39

I’m really genuinely sorry that that happened. All I’m saying is by all means have suspicions and change locks and listen to your gut, but also accept that you may not be correct
@TarasCrazyTiara who cares seriously if she's correct or not.
That's not a risk she's willing to take.
You haven't a clue and coming on here calling woman hysterical.
You're more concerned about the man you've never met that a woman.

Tying yourself in knots trying to diminish the ops experience.

I really hope you don't find out the hard way what some men can be really like.

NynaeveSedai · 30/11/2021 06:41

[quote HappyGoLuckyLuLu]@mumda

Clare's law:

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/

It's for info about any prior domestic violence incidents - which may not apply here but perhaps reported stalkerish behaviour/incidents would also be provided

And no, I don't think the person you request info on has to have done anything per se for you to be able to make the request[/quote]
This is really important for anyone in a relationship with a man but they won't disclose if you've ended the relationship (unless very special circumstances)

TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 06:45

@BorderlineHappy

I literally told OP to change her locks and do whatever she needs to feel comfortable if she feels something is off. The people I am calling hysterical are those who are a hunge certain he has definetly taken her keys when on purpose when in all probability he hasn’t. That’s not tying myself in knots - it’s reality where things we fear might be true often aren’t actually true.

who cares seriously if she’s correct or not
Obviously a lot of people since they assume she is and should tell everyone - if you don’t care if she’s correct or not then tell her to protect herself but don’t just turn this probably innocent guy into a stalker based on your own feelings.

girlmom21 · 30/11/2021 06:52

@Wilhelmine

OP is fine thank you, absolutely dog-tired but hopefully will sleep like a baby. Yes all the reasons that have made me wary are related I think and keys-gate is just the last straw. I haven’t heard from him since he dropped the keys back this morning so I think he knows I suspect him. I’m overwhelmed by the support I’ve received and the fact that it keeps on coming. I do wish I was savvy enough to change the barrels or whatever for peanuts but just wanted to pay someone to get the job done quickly.
You can't put a price on feeling safe
Louise5754 · 30/11/2021 06:59

If he wanted to copy the keys without her knowing couldn't he have just posted them through her letterbox? She would assume someone had found them by the path / outside / on the step.

If he was dodgy. When the op had text, he could have replied acting caring / offer to help her look / been her knight in shining armour?

Would he really admit to having them?

Obviously I could be totally wrong.

Terfydactyl · 30/11/2021 07:15

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@milkyaqua

I’m really genuinely sorry that that happened. All I’m saying is by all means have suspicions and change locks and listen to your gut, but also accept that you may not be correct. It’s the total certainty with which some posters speak of this guy surely having malicious intent which is insane.[/quote]
Because we apparently very much unlike you have been victims of male violence and violent tendencies and their willingness to subjugate women and all the other things men do to women.
You are minimising.
Why do you feel the need to minimise whats done to women globally and in this instance?
Why do you feel it's ok to call us hysterical? A word used by men for time to keep us down and minimise our points?
Why do you care more about a man you've never met than a woman telling you she knows something is wrong?

AlphabetAerobics · 30/11/2021 07:30

Anyone still playing the “poor misunderstood manz just accidentally picked up two sets of keys and didn’t notice when he started his car/opened his front door/emptied his pockets and you’re all hysterical”…. Needs to go back and read Terfydacty’s story and then stfu.

jinglealltheway55 · 30/11/2021 07:31

It's really unfair to suggest that any woman who isn't automatically crying 'psycho' hasnt ever experienced male violence. I have been a victim of it on more than one occasion but it doesn't stop me keeping an objective mindset.

As pp said, it's right and sensible that op should protect herself and follow her gut instinct. There's nothing hysterical about that at all. But posters talking with such certainty of malicious intent are kidding themselves. Just accept you can't know for sure. And don't minimise the experience of others just because they don't agree with your perspective.

mumda · 30/11/2021 07:32

I feel much better knowing that the OP has changed the locks.

dropitlikeitsloth · 30/11/2021 07:33

Maybe I am naive but it all sounds a bit hysterical. Not everyone is a psychopath

True but if you’re walking home on a deserted dark road snd a van pulls up do you think ‘ah not every man is a psychopath’ and get in or do you run?

Me (and probably a lot of women) make these judgements all the time whilst walking home alone. Yes carrying your keys between your fingers and crossing the road to avoid parked cars with the engine running may be hysterical to some but it’s paying attention to your gut instincts and overacting and it’s nothing is better than assuming all is well and it’s not.

Terfydactyl · 30/11/2021 07:39

@jinglealltheway55

It's really unfair to suggest that any woman who isn't automatically crying 'psycho' hasnt ever experienced male violence. I have been a victim of it on more than one occasion but it doesn't stop me keeping an objective mindset.

As pp said, it's right and sensible that op should protect herself and follow her gut instinct. There's nothing hysterical about that at all. But posters talking with such certainty of malicious intent are kidding themselves. Just accept you can't know for sure. And don't minimise the experience of others just because they don't agree with your perspective.

You been on the relationship board? Ever? Read the stories? More men than we want to admit are mean , cruel and dangerous to women. Minimising this fact has not aided women one bit over the last forever. I for one am truly fed up of other women being such misogynists. I want all women to listen to their gut, see what men in their lives do, disregard what men say and keep safe. The same pattern is seen over and over again. Read some books by the likes lundy Bancroft and gavin de Becker, they know what men are like.
TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 07:43

@Terfydactyl

I’m minimising nothing. I’m pointing out what is the clear truth - nobody knows if he took the keys on purpose and he probably didn’t.
It’s not hysteria to tell OP to change her locks to feel safe and not to date the guy - the hysteria is when someone says for sure that he took them with malicious intent when they cannot possibly know that and all their intuition amounts to exactly shit all when it comes to judging the situation accurately.

MsTSwift · 30/11/2021 07:45

In my 47 years i have come across perfectly normal seeming men doing bizarre weird dangerous things so although my optimistic instinct would be “everyone’s lovely” my lived experience would be change the bloody locks! As you have done x

Beckert · 30/11/2021 07:49

Terfydactyl good post. I agree.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/11/2021 08:07

It's really unfair to suggest that any woman who isn't automatically crying 'psycho' hasnt ever experienced male violence. I have been a victim of it on more than one occasion but it doesn't stop me keeping an objective mindset.

As pp said, it's right and sensible that op should protect herself and follow her gut instinct. There's nothing hysterical about that at all. But posters talking with such certainty of malicious intent are kidding themselves. Just accept you can't know for sure. And don't minimise the experience of others just because they don't agree with your perspective.

I agree with you @jinglealltheway55. None of us know for certain what this man's intentions are, whether he deliberately picked the keys up, so it jars on me when posters are so certain. This is not minimising anyone, this is not "what about the menz", this is about being objective. Why not use facts eg, "he picked the keys up, he had them for a few hours, he had the opportunity to copy them, he might be harmless but there's no way of telling, so change the locks" rather than hyperbole? None of us can read this bloke's mind, and none of us other than OP were there. And I say that as one who thinks she's right to change the locks just in case he's dodgy, and who agrees he's made some (subjectively) worrying comments.

WorriedMumsDontSleep · 30/11/2021 08:22

Well, seeing as the op started to rationalize the theft herself and almost talked herself down from changing the locks, I think a few 'he could xyz' are statements were what was needed to spur her to action.

39 pages of most men are nice but change the locks would not have got the same result.

And only one poster said about taking the story further so you don't need to use the plural unless you are trying to misrepresent.

Tavelo · 30/11/2021 08:27

Followed this from the beginning where I was hoping they'd turn up. As some pps have said there were too many coincidences in this story. First one actually 'mistakenly'taking the keys from the side in someone else's house..second one not realisisng he had two pairs at any point despite only using his pockets to carry them and being in the habit of emptying them out when be gets in. Third one 'not seeing' text or missed call regarding keys. Fourth one returning them after the opening time of key cutting facilities. Fifth one having a similar set. And if he wasn't very apologetic about having them considering how much it disrupted your night and day I'd even say that was a sixth coincidence. He must have known you had work to go to.

Why don't men stop trying to gain power over women by a series of frankly laughable moves? They should know their place. It's absolutely horrible that you had to spend almost 200 and miss a day at work because . You had the audacity to date a man in the spirit of him being an adequate human being.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 30/11/2021 08:52

Well done, Wilhelmine. £180 is worth paying for safety and peace of mind. You don’t need the worry. I hope he leaves you alone, and that you meet someone better.

BertramLacey · 30/11/2021 09:01

So many many posters who don't understand what risk actually is and how to mitigate it.

Exactly. Nobody needs to know for certain what this man's intentions were - the key thing (pardon the pun) is the uncertainty.

So start with: my keys are missing, there was a male acquaintance I know little about in my house, he might have taken them, I don't know his intentions.

Then risk assess on the facts. Millions of women experience violence at the hands of men. It's more likely to be men you are acquainted with than random strangers. In England and Wales, two women each week are killed by partners or former partners. That's not hysteria, those are cold, hard facts.

So, do you do nothing and wait until the keys turn up? Risk he might be violent and have ill intents, moderate to low. Outcome if he does, the harm could be catastrophic. Multiply those two things and you're in the red/ amber zone on the risk register. Then it turns out that yes, he had the keys. You take a big step into the red.

It doesn't matter if your husband is lovely. It doesn't matter if most men are poor misunderstood little souls. It doesn't matter if someone accuses you of hysteria. Someone you don't know well enough to trust had your keys, so change the locks.

Hysteria would be running around with pitchforks tracking the man down with a posse. Sharing stories about times when men have been violent and aggressive, from stalking up to and including Ted Bundy, is not hysterical. It's just a fact. As Germaine Greer pointed out many years ago, most women would be surprised if they knew just how much men hate women.

Pretty much every woman I know who I have spoken to about this has had some encounter with a man who threatened them in some way, whether that be following them home or experience of abusive relationships. It's not hysterical to protect yourself from this very real risk.

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