To suggest OH may not be good father material

[Timetable99]

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.
I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

Nope, that's not going to end well.

Why are you with this teenager?

You know him better than we do, and he already sounds like a pathetic manchild, not like a grown-up partner.

You are 100% right. Only have kids with this man if you want to do 99% of the work.

Does he do his share of the cooking and housework without being nagged? If not, tell him you can't start TTC until that starts happening.

They don’t change.

Yanbu, how he doesn't complains about doing housework, he isn't going to be doing at least half because there's a child in the mix.

He won't have 2 hours a day free. Or rather, he will because he will expect you to do it all.

I wouldn't have child with him.

Me and exh use to game alot before kids. Me and dp do. But neither ever complained about looking after their own house and/or insisted on having hours of free time everyday.

I’ve been with a gaming addict and it’s no fun. Prioritising games over babies needs is not good at all, not to mention the grump when a game is lost and staying up late to game then complaining everyone is being loud the next day…

What do you do when he games?

Do you want DC?

I think if he isn't doing 50:50 now you can be fairly sure he won't when you have dc. It's not about being a good father, it's about being a good partner.

Nevermind father, is he even a good OH if he’s spending allllll his time gaming?!

Perhaps he could give you a demo for a few months of how he’s capable of adulting. No judgement on anyone engaging in any hobby in their free time, but he must expect to have substantially less of it if you have children. I’d also not consider it until you were married, unless you’re the higher earner and will return to FT work.

You are not wrong.

Doesn’t sound like a keeper as a boyfriend never mind a life partner or father.

You can’t tell a good prospect might not go bad but I’ve never once heard a woman say she was surprised at a bad one turning good.

He can't even do a full day's work without firing up the X-box/Playstation.

This is not a man with whom you want the responsibility of bringing another life into the world - he'd be in a foul mood if you took more than a couple of hours in labour, for a start.

Get a pet, something easy but requiring g at least some daily attention, like a hamster. See how he gets on with that. Or a plant to start with. It's his sole responsibility, don't remind him, or do it for him, see what happens.

@lovecomesquickly We moved in together recently and dividing up the housework what feels in a fair way to both of us has been an onging issue. He does much more of the cooking because he likes it but doesn't do anything else unless nagged. This includes all the cleaning, laundry, clutter, beds, general maintenance etc. And I have places like mumsnet to thank for realising I take on the "mental load" - he wouldn't in a million years realise that we need new toothbrush heads or need to buy more paracetamol or the gas meter readings need taking. It's getting exhausting trying different ways of getting him to notice things and I'm not sure he ever will, I presume this would only feel 100 times worse with kids and all the things they need.
It's not that he's particularly grumpy about doing things once asked but he usually sighs or makes pointed comments about how much he's already doing like I should be more appreciative. I don't feel like I should be thanking him for just doing what is asked. I don't get thanks for doing all the laundry and cleaning! Wondering how best to move forward with all this now.

My partner is a gamer too. He would come home have tea and do the dishes then pretty much straight on his game as I was working too at the time.

We now have a 3 month old and with me being at home now I pretty much have everything done but he will do the evening feed and spend time with him etc while I go and have an hour in the bath or something. I'll then come back down and he will go on his game for the last 2 hours before he goes to bed.

I don't mind this as he needs time to himself too. He will ask if anything needs doing but like I say it's pretty much done anyway. Maybe try and talk about the same routine with him and see what he says. If he says that isn't enough time to be on his game then you need to tell him that his game is obvs a bigger priority to him. Whilst it's just you two it's worth putting into practice

@PrincessNutella

You know him better than we do, and he already sounds like a pathetic manchild, not like a grown-up partner.

Only a moron would have a child with him.

This site is full of women with nasty gamers who couldn't give a damn about boring babies and turned positively abusive when asked to share the load.

Many of the women leave and go home to their mothers to try an figure out life on their own without their waster ex.

Your gut is screaming at you that this man child isn't father material.

All a child will do is take freedom/choices/opportunities from YOU.

Move on and look for an adult.

Wasters like him never choose to grow up.

They look for a woman to clean up and mind them so they can game.

Both my sons (late teens/early 20's) like the ps4 with their buddies (a couple of hours a week) but would both describe your boyfriend, in his late 20's, as a sad losers.

Raise your bar, you deserve better.

I have never heard of a man who didn't pull his weight before having a child suddenly start pulling it once the baby is born.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I am currently the higher earner by quite some way and my work needs pretty much all my attention during working hours. His doesn't. So when I finish work I'm pretty tired but still have a lot of housework to do because WFH creates a surprising amount of mess, while he has been gaming a lot usually and doesn't do much in the evenings/weekends except cook dinner and the odd breakfast here and there (which I always show a lot of gratitude for).

I don't want children unless my partner can be at least 50/50 with childcare and housework and preferably more than that as my job brings home most of our income and I would like to keep my career, be financially independent etc. OH is due to get a significant payrise in about a year but in the meantime I'm having doubts about his ability to contribute to an equal household in other ways.

Maybe split the housework differently. Do you like to cook? Maybe have one week when you cook and he does everything else - mental load warning, this will probably involve a list.

You know you can move back out again…

There’s a grown up out there who you could share your life with who’ll make things easier and lighten your load rather than adding to it.

He has an obligation now, you’re his partner not his housekeeper. You have no evidence he will step up and lots of evidence to the contrary when he won’t even share the housework. You are absolutely right.