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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest OH may not be good father material

180 replies

Timetable99 · 28/11/2021 20:47

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.
I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/11/2021 22:49

I second the PP who said it will get worse when you have kids, not better.

HarrisonStickle · 28/11/2021 22:51

@Timetable99

Thanks for all the suggestions. I am currently the higher earner by quite some way and my work needs pretty much all my attention during working hours. His doesn't. So when I finish work I'm pretty tired but still have a lot of housework to do because WFH creates a surprising amount of mess, while he has been gaming a lot usually and doesn't do much in the evenings/weekends except cook dinner and the odd breakfast here and there (which I always show a lot of gratitude for).

I don't want children unless my partner can be at least 50/50 with childcare and housework and preferably more than that as my job brings home most of our income and I would like to keep my career, be financially independent etc. OH is due to get a significant payrise in about a year but in the meantime I'm having doubts about his ability to contribute to an equal household in other ways.

Dump this lazy twat.

You show a lot of gratitude for an occasional breakfast?!?!?! Er, why?

He's never going to change. So you'll be doing 90%, he'll be gaming, and you'll be back here asking what to do...

2bazookas · 28/11/2021 22:51

Housework whining is a red flag.

If he isn't happily, warmly committed to your shared home and domestic life, just because its what the two of you share and should make together then he isn't going to gladly give his time and energy to a child you share, either. . You'll always be the dogsbody, he'll always be a selfish little boy who doesn't want to stop playing.

Crinkle77 · 28/11/2021 22:54

Don't do it.

Mrbay · 28/11/2021 22:56

Hate to say, my husband is a gamer and would spend hours on the stupid thing prior to our baby arriving. Since she has been here, he has been a changed man!
However, today the house is a state as we both prioritised getting out of the house for a walk rather than loading the dishwasher!

I will add, his behaviour did start to dramatically change once I was actually pregnant.

We are both mid 30s so perhaps he is now growing up?

Jibberjabberhutt · 28/11/2021 22:57

I don't feel like I should be thanking him for just doing what is asked. I don't get thanks for doing all the laundry and cleaning! Wondering how best to move forward with all this now.

I’d move back out again. Keep your financial independence, examine why you go for these safe-but-lazy, boring men-children and once you’ve figured things out for yourself, then go forth and multiply (once you’re in a relationship with a worthy man capable of adulting. But until then, focus on you, your career and your independence.

That’s my advice, anyway.

Jibberjabberhutt · 28/11/2021 22:57

Oh I didn’t close-brackets. That’s going to annoy me.

Shmithecat2 · 28/11/2021 22:58

Yambu. He doesn't sound like good OH material, let alone father material.

converseandjeans · 28/11/2021 23:04

He doesn't sound like a great catch: is he gaming instead of working? I can't imagine how he would get a pay rise?

Original poster
Timetable99 · 29/11/2021 00:52

He essentially is on a paid training contract currently and keeps saying how much praise he gets and how he is on track for a serious payrise within the year. He works efficiently apparently and has a lot of time therefore for gaming.
We've just had a heart to heart. For the first time he's opened up about why he defaults to screen time and spends so much time gaming - he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games.
I kind of relate. I am frequently tempted to distract myself from anxious thoughts but meditation has helped a huge deal so we are going to try that together.
He lived with his parents before me so whereas I have a lot of living alone experience he does not. I knew he would need a lot of practice with the housework skills but what I didn't bargain for was the sheer amount of screen time which has meant we don't spend meaningful time together to connect or even discuss as either he's so completely not present or I'm so irritated at him.
Meanwhile I will bear everything that has been said in mind and especially knowing I cannot coach another partner through a gaming addiction, lack of communication and depression (been there, can't be arsed again). And I will seek out a good therapist specialising in childhood trauma and relationship issues. Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
sst1234 · 29/11/2021 00:59

So he just pulled the depression card too. A lot of people do this when backed into a corner about their behaviour. Run OP, run. Run for your life, your financial independence, your happiness and your contentment.

LittleMissTake · 29/11/2021 01:09

No No No OP!

Sadly he’s too immature to share your life goals. You will end up with two children to look after if have children with him.

Send him back to mummy and daddy. You can do much better for yourself.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 29/11/2021 01:26

You can work as ahead at this as you set your mind to.

But it won’t alter the fact that this man is not husband and father material.

thefourgp · 29/11/2021 01:31

So he made you feel sorry for him instead of just taking responsibility and pulling his weight. This will not end well. You deserve better OP.

Marvellousmadness · 29/11/2021 01:35

Can I just applauded you by questioning all of this BEFORE having kids.
Good on you!
Sit him down and talk all things over
How youd see the future with a kid. Who would do the nappies/feeds /bathing/cooking
Hoe much time would he expect to still be gaming a day. How much time in the weekend
Etc etc etc etc.
Make sure that you are on the same page and he understands that the first year of having a kid is the hardest.

thefourgp · 29/11/2021 01:39

Talk is cheap. Current actions are what tell you what kind of man he is and what kind of father he’ll be.

Ilady · 29/11/2021 01:44

I would agree with sst1234 said. It time to end things with him and move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, to be financially independent and to be with an adult not a man child like him. He might like the idea of a baby but he is a long way from ready for one. So he plays hours of computer games to stop him getting depression like a typical man child. At least you found out what he was really like before you had a baby with him. I would end things with him and get some therapy as it will help you going forward.
Don't rush into having a child until you know a man well and being honest I would want to be married before having a family.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2021 01:46

Leave this useless man and figure out why your standards are so shockingly low. Don't waste another second on this twat.

Greygreenblue · 29/11/2021 01:54

Yes of course men who contribute equally exist. My husband does. Actually I think he does more household chores than me, but I do more of the childcare and mental load - I think it evens out pretty well.

Throw this one out and find another.

Avarua · 29/11/2021 01:55

Look at actions. Does he make the bed? Empty the dishwasher? Fix things? Get more milk when he needs it? Help you when you ask for it? Being you a hot drink, without being asked? Have fun with his nephews and nieces?

These are the things that make a good dad.

Newmum29 · 29/11/2021 01:57

I want to be honest. Very few men do 50:50 without someone expressly insisting on equality, it creeps up very quickly so women do a disproportionate amount on mat leave and it carries on from there.

timeisnotaline · 29/11/2021 02:08

We've just had a heart to heart. For the first time he's opened up about why he defaults to screen time and spends so much time gaming - he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games.
So until he’s managed his mental health sufficiently to count pulling his weight around the house as a sufficiently distracting activity, and to spend some quality time with you, he’s definitely not ready to become a father. And he should stop mentioning it.

saraclara · 29/11/2021 02:16

we don't spend meaningful time together to connect or even discuss as either he's so completely not present

He doesn't have time for you, let alone a child. If he can't drag himself away to even have a conversation with you, why are you with him? What does he bring to your life and your home? There's not a single thing that a partner should bring to one's life that he's fulfilling.

You're just another mum to him. He's going to really resent you being mum to someone whose as well.

Genuine question. What do you see in him? What does he bring to your life? Why did you move him in with you? If you knew then what you know now, would you still do it?

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2021 02:25

I don't want children unless my partner can be at least 50/50 with childcare and housework and preferably more than that as my job brings home most of our income and I would like to keep my career, be financially independent etc. OH is due to get a significant payrise in about a year but in the meantime I'm having doubts about his ability to contribute to an equal household in other ways.

I think therapy (particularly a therapist who specialises in Imago theory - which is all about repeating the relationships you saw growing up in the hope of 'getting it right') is a good start.

And then if you decide the relationship is something you want to keep trying with, make it clear to your partner that what you've said above is your baseline expectation for how things will be before you would be prepared to start trying for a child.

That means he will have actually received the payrise he's making big promises about, he's been actively doing at least 50 percent of the housework for several months (self-directed, not with you as the household 'manager' doling out chores, instructing him on everything he needs to do and checking his work and offering advice for improvement). You should also have a clear plan for how how the childcare will be divided when the baby arrives. This is not an area where you want to give him the benefit of the doubt or 'see how it goes' as there are a lot of red flags waving, to be honest.

Saysama · 29/11/2021 03:18

@Timetable99

He essentially is on a paid training contract currently and keeps saying how much praise he gets and how he is on track for a serious payrise within the year. He works efficiently apparently and has a lot of time therefore for gaming. We've just had a heart to heart. For the first time he's opened up about why he defaults to screen time and spends so much time gaming - he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games. I kind of relate. I am frequently tempted to distract myself from anxious thoughts but meditation has helped a huge deal so we are going to try that together. He lived with his parents before me so whereas I have a lot of living alone experience he does not. I knew he would need a lot of practice with the housework skills but what I didn't bargain for was the sheer amount of screen time which has meant we don't spend meaningful time together to connect or even discuss as either he's so completely not present or I'm so irritated at him. Meanwhile I will bear everything that has been said in mind and especially knowing I cannot coach another partner through a gaming addiction, lack of communication and depression (been there, can't be arsed again). And I will seek out a good therapist specialising in childhood trauma and relationship issues. Thank you everyone x
Why doesn’t he ‘stay active’ and ‘distract himself’ by doing housework?

This is the biggest pile of tosh I, personally, have ever heard. Are you very young, OP? As I’m not entirely sure how you didn’t laugh in his face. Jesus Christ.

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