To suggest OH may not be good father material

[Timetable99]

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.
I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

We've just had a heart to heart. For the first time he's opened up about why he defaults to screen time and spends so much time gaming - he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games.

Here's a BRILLIANT idea. How about he distracts himself by getting into cleaning up, taking responsibility, and being an equal partner? He'd never be sat down :)

No. Just no. Do not be sucked in by his depression talk. That will be his excuse for the rest of your life with him. You want an equal partner not a man child who you have to support by allowing him to have his lovely gaming time so he can be happy.

He'll help when he's 'obligated' to? So he doesn't feel 'obligated' to treat you as an equal partner? He feels entitled to watch you do almost everything... the actual cheek of him saying he'll help when 'obligated' (which is bullshit anyway) as if it's fine he doesn't feel he should have to contribute equal effort at home until a baby is born.

As PP said, he's so thick he thinks that a new baby, more stress and much less sleep will make him more likely to step up?!

You'd be really foolish to have a baby with this bloke.

We've just had a heart to heart. For the first time he's opened up about why he defaults to screen time and spends so much time gaming - he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games

You sound like an intelligent woman, please don’t fall for this load of old bollocks. He isn’t sat alone in his childhood bedroom. He’s in his own home, with a job and a partner who he’s choosing not to engage with. He has plenty of options to busy himself with. He would still rather game.

He’s telling you that if you have a child with him, he will improve. It doesn’t work like that. He needs to improve and show you that he’s worth having a child with. This is the man you are potentially choosing to be your child’s father. You might love him and be willing to tolerate his lack of engagement with you as his partner, and that’s fine, it’s your decision. But he is not good enough to be the father of a child. It really is that simple. He is not good enough to be your child’s parent.

Tell him he doesn't fulfill his obligations now so why would you believe he would be any different if you were tied to him by a baby.

If he wanted to prove that he would cut down on his gaming time and do his fair share of the grown up stuff. 🙄

I wouldn't be entertaining having a child with him until he can prove all of the stuff he is saying about being able to adapt when children come along. I'd want to see he can make and sustain the changes for a year or two without moaning or reverting before I'd consider it.

Set your bar higher. Don’t have a kid with this guy.

[quote Timetable99]@lovecomesquickly We moved in together recently and dividing up the housework what feels in a fair way to both of us has been an onging issue. He does much more of the cooking because he likes it but doesn't do anything else unless nagged. This includes all the cleaning, laundry, clutter, beds, general maintenance etc. And I have places like mumsnet to thank for realising I take on the "mental load" - he wouldn't in a million years realise that we need new toothbrush heads or need to buy more paracetamol or the gas meter readings need taking. It's getting exhausting trying different ways of getting him to notice things and I'm not sure he ever will, I presume this would only feel 100 times worse with kids and all the things they need.
It's not that he's particularly grumpy about doing things once asked but he usually sighs or makes pointed comments about how much he's already doing like I should be more appreciative. I don't feel like I should be thanking him for just doing what is asked. I don't get thanks for doing all the laundry and cleaning! Wondering how best to move forward with all this now.[/quote]
Leave him

Unless you want the rest of your life to look like this. And you don't want children

I think you are wasting your time with him. He'll be a terrible father and has no idea of the work involved.

I’ve played games for 25 years now and I played in most of my spare time if I wasn’t going out. However the difference is when my kids came along I stopped doing it so much. Unless I was stuck cluster feeding or it’s nap time, or they’re in bed for the night.

It sounds like him constantly gaming isn’t even the main problem, it’s his failure to do anything else! As much as I stick up for people who play games he sounds a bad bet for sure! I know a lot of male gamers and they loved staying up late with a baby sleeping on them while they quietly played a game.

What he said about gaming to beat depression, what absolute garbage.
I have complex PTSD with depression and anxiety which I've had for 50 years, I hold down a full time responsible job in the NHS and do everything else as well, I brought up my son alone, did all the DIY, mental load, organised and did everything, I did not opt out of life by gaming or whatever other hobby I have.
This is because I am a responsible adult and get help for my mental health when I need it and take medication.
Gaming makes it worse, what he is doing is using gaming (to which he is addicted like gambling) as an excuse to get out of being an adult.
He is not ready for a relationship with a woman or kids.
Don't fall for this crap.

He lived with his parents before me
Called it.

You have a man-child. A selfish one. One who could not even adult enough for himself to work out how to adult.

Dont waste your time.

I couldn’t be bothered with him now without kids in the mix. Pathetic.

Please take steps to make sure you don’t get pregnant whilst waiting to see through this massive pile of “o need to game to forget my feelings” bullshit.

I think instead of sulking he needs to step up and start showing you he can be an equal contributor to the household.

He already has that obligation now yet clearly doesn't think so. I'd want him to show me he will do more from now.

My DP is a gamer. Under NO circumstance does he not pull his weight in favour of a game.

Your DP has a video game addiction and needs to buck up his ideas. If he wants to be a father then he needs to prove himself able to do the damn housework without being nagged. If you can wait for that to happen then thats brilliant but my Ex was a Gaming addict and it was a massive waste of my time and my love.

You deserve better, without even considering children.

Thanks for all your replies. He has agreed to show me over the next few months how he can spend time away from his computer and be more present (I am not even asking for more time with me necessarily, just for him to do things in the house not involving a screen).
He argued a lot last night that "all" of his hobbies and interests are on his computer and that is why he spends so much time on it. He says I am trying to take away his only way of relaxing.
I've had enough though. I really am giving him an ultimatum here. Either he finds a life off-screen where he can be my IRL partner or away he goes.

he says he is scared of becoming depressed again (as he was as a teenager) through inaction so he always feels he should keep himself distracted with stimulating games.

Bullshit. Seems like lazy gamer men have a script just like abusers do.

OP PLEASE do not have children with this adolescent. If he doesn't want to become depressed there is therapy and antidepressants.

GOD what a fucking child.

So now if it doesn’t work out, you are responsible for his failing mental health?

My god some men really are brazen about trying to find a second Mummy rather than a partner

* I've had enough though *

Good.

@Timetable99

Thanks for all your replies. He has agreed to show me over the next few months how he can spend time away from his computer and be more present (I am not even asking for more time with me necessarily, just for him to do things in the house not involving a screen). He argued a lot last night that "all" of his hobbies and interests are on his computer and that is why he spends so much time on it. He says I am trying to take away his only way of relaxing. I've had enough though. I really am giving him an ultimatum here. Either he finds a life off-screen where he can be my IRL partner or away he goes.

Mine and my DP's hobbies are generally all computer related too, and it's also a massive part of our careers.

Neither of us bitch for having to put dishes away and we manage to keep on top of the housework, parent 3 children, leave the house a couple of times a week for quality time together AND he supports me through my current pregnancy. NONE of that impacts on our individual downtime.

I am pleased you have put your foot down about this, but please stick to it. Don't get sucked in or you will literally find yourself holding the baby.

I just can't see how you can fix this OP.

He's shown you that he's still mentally living like a a teenager, and you're the mean mummy taking away his fun free time. He's even blaming you right now.

[quote Timetable99]@lovecomesquickly We moved in together recently and dividing up the housework what feels in a fair way to both of us has been an onging issue. He does much more of the cooking because he likes it but doesn't do anything else unless nagged. This includes all the cleaning, laundry, clutter, beds, general maintenance etc. And I have places like mumsnet to thank for realising I take on the "mental load" - he wouldn't in a million years realise that we need new toothbrush heads or need to buy more paracetamol or the gas meter readings need taking. It's getting exhausting trying different ways of getting him to notice things and I'm not sure he ever will, I presume this would only feel 100 times worse with kids and all the things they need.
It's not that he's particularly grumpy about doing things once asked but he usually sighs or makes pointed comments about how much he's already doing like I should be more appreciative. I don't feel like I should be thanking him for just doing what is asked. I don't get thanks for doing all the laundry and cleaning! Wondering how best to move forward with all this now.[/quote]
Nope. This is not going to end well if you have kids.

he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.

Def not father material.

The complaining about having to do chores would put me right off him. Ugh.

Are you his mother or his wife

Good decision OP, a friend has a child with a man just like how you describe your partner as. Now a toddler and she does 90% of everything around the house and childcare.

I really feel for her, but at the end of the day its her choice to stay with him.