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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest OH may not be good father material

180 replies

Timetable99 · 28/11/2021 20:47

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.
I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

OP posts:

MozzarellaMonster · 29/11/2021 14:09

When he has a kid he's still going to want downtime and to relax, and when you ask him to help it's going to be your fault.
Time gets less with kids not more so if he can't cope with stepping up to help now he's not going to find the time when a kid comes either.
We all want to sit and relax all day doing what suits us but jobs need to be done first, it's just life.

Ellen888 · 29/11/2021 14:11

Timetable88,
I think you need to realise that there are 3 of 3 in your relationship. You, him and his addiction. Yes, it is an addiction and will always take priority over anything else.

You say "he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time" - so that is pretty plain as to where his priorities lie.

Please, please do not have a child with this man.

SortingItOut · 29/11/2021 14:13

I'm wondering how you met and then dated if his main hobby and all his time is taken up with gaming?

Or was he on his best behaviour for months until you agreed to move in together?

How long have you been together?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/11/2021 14:23

@Evans97

My partner is a gamer too. He would come home have tea and do the dishes then pretty much straight on his game as I was working too at the time.

We now have a 3 month old and with me being at home now I pretty much have everything done but he will do the evening feed and spend time with him etc while I go and have an hour in the bath or something. I'll then come back down and he will go on his game for the last 2 hours before he goes to bed.

I don't mind this as he needs time to himself too. He will ask if anything needs doing but like I say it's pretty much done anyway. Maybe try and talk about the same routine with him and see what he says. If he says that isn't enough time to be on his game then you need to tell him that his game is obvs a bigger priority to him. Whilst it's just you two it's worth putting into practice

@Evans97. This may work for you as your baby is only 3 months old but its also the consideration of nursery/school runs, tidying up heaps of toys, feeding toddler/child, doctors appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, being off sick, helping with homework.

If OP's partner can't be bothered to pick up his own mess or read the gas metre without a sigh or a guilt trip then how's he going to cope with parenting and the increasing workload and mental load over the next 18 years. It's a much bigger picture.

Original poster

Timetable99 · 29/11/2021 14:35

@sortingitout we met at an event over two years ago which we still go to weekly, so that's his current off-screen time, but we don't chat much on the way there as he spends all journey on his phone and then I'm with my friends all evening. We've hit an impasse where we find each other dull I guess.

OP posts:

Ghoulette · 29/11/2021 14:36

Your post has me wondering how much your DP spends on video games too by the way? It's bloody expensive as a hobby and if they are already above everything then I envision that he is going to prioritize spending HIS money on games and non contributing to the baby.

Nappies alone will cost you a fortune. Are you as an individual willing to put all your money towards a baby yourself?

Original poster

Timetable99 · 29/11/2021 14:44

He spends very little on games AFAIK and shares joint expenses very equally especially considering his lower salary. I have no concerns with his financial contributions (unless he fails to get the anticipated pay rise), it's more his physical contributions to our home and just generally putting in effort that will bring us closer together.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 29/11/2021 14:49

@Timetable99 So do you never really talk ever?
Sounds like at home he games and even in the car when you could have a conversation he doesn't want to.

How long has your relationship been like this? As in you are 2 lodgers living together albeit you doing all the housework?

How did moving in together come about?
Did he move into yours or did you rent somewhere together?

Triffid1 · 29/11/2021 15:32

As you don't have DC, I'm not sure that 2 hours a day of time to himself is really that big a deal. And I also think the screen time is a red herring - he could use that time to do whatever he likes.

The issue is that he leaves all the work of thinking and planning and doing (except for cooking - and you still haven't clarified if he cooks and does all the chores that go with it like meal planning, shopping, tidying or JUST cooks). I mean, if his way to "keep depression at bay" was to volunteer at an old age home but he was still leaving dirty plates in the sink, didn't make any effort do do any of the cleaning and expected you to organise Christmas, he'd still be a twat.

Original poster

Timetable99 · 29/11/2021 15:54

He does most of the cooking and food shopping but leaves most of the washing up and associated cleaning. He takes great pride in giving the kitchen a "deep clean" once every two or three weeks or so (just surfaces) and he's certainly better at being thorough with this than me, but it's used as justification for not cleaning all the rest of the times when it needs doing. The balance is off. We've had a lot of discussion about this and his solution is always the same - to divide it up into hours spent- well he exaggerates his hours anyway and mine comprise lots of 30 seconds to 5 mins tidying/cleaning throughout the day in addition to my larger tasks so it's very hard to compare accurately.
I'm just tired. I don't think my instincts are wrong in this as I'm not a lazy person. When I lived alone my place was so much cleaner and tidier and he would come round for dates and we'd spend quality time together even during lockdowns just having fun. Now we are renting together elsewhere, the place is constantly filled with clutter and dirt and he spends every spare minute at his computer. I despair.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2021 16:06

He's moved in and made your home a less pleasant place to be, spent less quality time with you than before and shown (and now told you) that he feels no obligation right now to share tasks equally.

He's just a bit shit OP. Well a lot shit.

Please don't tie yourself to this kind of man permanently and also lumber a kid with a dad who is at best lazy due to not giving a fuck about other people and at worst lazy due to being a chauvinist who thinks it's women's work.

In your heart of hearts, do you honestly believe it's likely he will step up if you have a child? You can't do. So you need to make a decision accordingly.

nimbuscloud · 29/11/2021 16:06

It won’t improve
I’d leave

Teacupsandtoast · 29/11/2021 16:14

Don't despair. You know the solution. He contributes nothing but mess and stress.

Triffid1 · 29/11/2021 16:18

to divide it up into hours spent- well he exaggerates his hours anyway

Or he doesn't exaggerate.... he's just incredibly inefficient. DH once spent 4 hours vacuuming our house. 4 hours. It's a perfectly normal, 3 bedroom semi-detached house. If he'd been doing all the skirting, ceilings, door frames etc I'd still have thought it was too much but might have understood.....except he hadn't. I got a robot vacuum after that experience.

I can laugh about Dh because he really does do plenty, but this sort of thing has previously been an issue for us and is an issue for quite a few women i know. Their husbands are upset that they're being accused of laziness because they spent 2 hours doing a particular chore. But the woman knows perfectly well it's a chore that should only take 30 minutes and that because he spent 2 hours on it, she needs to do the 5 other things in the house.

FlowerArranger · 29/11/2021 16:30

I'm just tired. I don't think my instincts are wrong in this as I'm not a lazy person. When I lived alone my place was so much cleaner and tidier and he would come round for dates and we'd spend quality time together even during lockdowns just having fun. Now we are renting together elsewhere, the place is constantly filled with clutter and dirt and he spends every spare minute at his computer. I despair.

Copy this into your diary and read it every day.
Until you feel ready to leave/kick him out/separate amicably.
Your despair will vanish and you'll live again.
Imagine, no more silent journeys where we don't chat much on the way there as he spends all journey on his phone
Seriously, walk away, and be glad that you can still do this without having to become a single parent.

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 16:31

@Timetable99

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing. I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

I feel like you already know the answer

saraclara · 29/11/2021 16:51

[quote Timetable99]@sortingitout we met at an event over two years ago which we still go to weekly, so that's his current off-screen time, but we don't chat much on the way there as he spends all journey on his phone and then I'm with my friends all evening. We've hit an impasse where we find each other dull I guess.[/quote]
This is supposed to be the point in your relationship when you are having the most fun, and enjoying your relationship the most. You're child-free, you're new to living together, and you should be enjoying simply being together.

You already find him dull, he has no interest in communicating with you, and there is no fun in your life together.

Really, giving him any more of a 'chance' is wasting time that you could be spending finding a good man. Someone who wants to be with you and wants to SHARE your life. Seriously, give up on him.

Rugsofhonour · 29/11/2021 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

JessieLongleg · 29/11/2021 18:03

My friend has one of these and now they have had the kids he hasn't changed a bit. Partly cos she takes on traditional women's roles but is a immature as him as she thought he would change. She was so pleased with him as started his own business cleaning up garden after he decided he didn't like his old job because he was bored. So he swapped one low paid job that could be done all year for a seasonal low paid job. So he could work with him mate and guess what as soon as the weather turned he was on the phone asking my husband to go out cycing in the week. She said wasn't able to go near the babies after smoking and still has the money to spend on weed and tabacco why she lives in poverty fooling herself he cares about her.

FreedomFaith · 29/11/2021 18:13

Haha you are completely right. My partner is the same, thinks he is 'busy', and when I ask him to do a load of washing and hoover the house, a max of half an hour to do both, he whines and says he doesn't have time. This is on a Friday when he finishes work at 11. He also works from home and has nothing else to do, except play games.

We aren't having children. He is welcome to leave if he wants and find someone else to have kids for him (it is for him, not with him). But I'm not being that sucker, someone else can fall for that crap. I pointed out if he wants kids, he has to prove to me for a few years that he can clean up mess without being asked or reminded, and he will have to quit his job as he earns too little to cover childcare. He's stopped mentioning kids funnily enough.

In fairness too, I know I would be a bad mum. I have no patience, I'd be useless when they are sick, I'd get frustrated with kids so easily. Yeah they'd have food, a cleanish home, whatever they needed. I doubt they'd feel that loved though, and probably more worried that I'm constantly stressed and upset. That's no life for a child.

Almostmenopausal · 29/11/2021 18:44

I've never understood grown adults who play on video games. They're for children & older teens for goodness sakes! He needs to grow up and get with the real world

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 29/11/2021 19:16

I despair
I guess the question is, do you like that feeling? He is lazy, boring and rude to you. He does not share the load. He will make you life more difficult.

But you have a choice here to choose the more difficult unfulfilled life with this chump, or raise your bar and end it.

Some people love drama and misery.

This is the point where you can walk away easily if you choose to expect happiness.

LannieDuck · 29/11/2021 19:51

The easiest way to compare is probably spare time. How much time do you each have where you aren't working (or sleeping) or doing chores?

AngelDelight28 · 29/11/2021 20:27

Oh OP, I promise you there are men out there who will share the load equally. Don't settle for less.
I know what you mean about being put off by the active/assertive (alpha male?) men. I'm a bit like that as well. But my DH is quiet and nice, AND pulls his weight around the house. Believe me, babies create so much more housework and life admin on top of what you have already. If DH didn't pull his weight I don't know how I'd have coped.
He also games occasionally btw but not every day and he can take it or leave it. Nothing wrong with having screen based hobbies but it sounds like for your OH, it's taking over his life.

Goldbar · 29/11/2021 21:18

He says I am trying to take away his only way of relaxing.

He will say this when the baby comes. He won't care that you don't have any time of your own for relaxing.

It sounds like you were happier living by yourself and you've slipped into 'nagging mother' role since you've lived together.

Please remember this is a relationship not a prison sentence . You don't have to stay.

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