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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest OH may not be good father material

180 replies

Timetable99 · 28/11/2021 20:47

Just that really. My OH is keen to have at least one child as soon as we can afford to but currently he plays computer games every spare moment he has (late 20s, no kids so lots of free time - he plays them a lot when WFH too) and he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time. Busy to him currently means less than 2 hours available a day to do his own thing.
I pointed out to him that he would have barely any time to relax at all if we had children and that I'm not sure he would be able to handle how full on I've heard it is. He's upset with me now for implying he isn't good father material as he says he would get fully involved as soon as he has an obligation to be. I have severe doubts. AIBU? Is it possible to tell at all before committing to having children just whether the guy is going to actually pitch in and support 50/50?

OP posts:
Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead · 28/11/2021 21:42

They definitely exist OP!! Higher your bar!

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/11/2021 21:43

You could try a dog first? One that needs a lot of walking…

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2021 21:48

@Notonthenewrug Flowers

Hope you can get free.

Signoramarella · 28/11/2021 21:48

Never drop your moon cup. Brilliant. You hit the spot with that post. My ex was like this.. useless. Realised my mistake, left him 2 year ago. Never been so happy! Don't make this mistake OP

NEbotherpet · 28/11/2021 21:49

@Notonthenewrug

Take it from someone who is currently living this shit life. Don't do it.
Sending you a hug. Me too. Fucking fed up
BreatheAndFocus · 28/11/2021 21:50

He’s a baby who wants a mother/skivvy - you! Like hell he’ll step up if you have a child together! My tw*t of an ex basically ignored his first-born day after day because he was on his effing games. Even when he did deign to look after our DC he still had the effing game on and all his attention was on that and DC came second.

Dump this waste of space, and find a grown-up.

Songbird21 · 28/11/2021 21:52

They definitely do exist OP! My DH is a quiet geeky type who likes his computer games. But he also has a much more flexible job than me and works from home a lot (I can’t). This means he probably does more housework than me, takes all the responsibility for the dog, often cooks and is pretty good at the mental load (e.g. he’s been researching local nurseries). He games around these things because he’s an adult…

I’m 20 weeks pregnant and have absolutely no doubt that when baby comes, he will put us first because he loves us! If you have any doubt about this… he’s not the one to start a family with. Regardless of what his hobbies are.

StrongLegs · 28/11/2021 21:55

OP - I think that there are definitely good men and men who can be trained to be helpful. It's really interesting that you say you may actually be aiming low to avoid trouble. That's a great insight and worth thinking about.

You sound so great with your big salary and confident outlook on life. I think it would be great if you could expand that to the idea of feeling secure with a man who was worthy of you.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 28/11/2021 21:56

he complains often whenever he does housework or has a busy social week scheduled that it is cutting into his gaming time
Of course he wouldnt make a great parent.

And how does he now make a great partner?

And if he isnt a great partner NOW, why would he be when life got harder?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 28/11/2021 21:58

My dh is very capable at running the home. He did have his own home before we got together. Im sure so many shit partners must go from parents to house shares to partners without ever living like a single adult. Or then you get the ones who did run their own home but when they find a woman, they decide that is her job. All of these men need to be avoided.

RedwineforSantaplease · 28/11/2021 21:59

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man like that let alone consider having a baby with him. I think you can do better.

hettie · 28/11/2021 22:00

Whatever the 'other' is- gaming, golf, excessive work, another woman, cycling.... Anyone who is more into something else is never going to to be good life partner material... Don't put up with this shit. Your partner should be putting you and your life together at the top of his priority list. He shoukd be thinking about what he could be doing to make things better for you both....Otherwise it's not really a partnership is it? Just two people living together

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 28/11/2021 22:01

OP, it won’t get better. It’ll get worse, and you’ll end up even more resentful than you are now.

gah2teenagers · 28/11/2021 22:04

This is the sort of man who begrudgingly babysits his own kid. Don’t go there.

PicsInRed · 28/11/2021 22:09

These guys are very often addicts too - gaming addicts - and addicted men are often abusive to their partner. And children.

Walk away whilst you still have the option.

FlowerArranger · 28/11/2021 22:13

Walk away whilst you still have the option

Absolutely

GettingItOutThere · 28/11/2021 22:19

honestly dont do it. He is a man child and they do not change.

I would not even class him as a good boyfriend. Get out now before it is too late

catfunk · 28/11/2021 22:20

Fuck. That.

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/11/2021 22:23

If he's not doing 50/50 now, he won't do it when he has a child. YANBU @Timetable99.

TellMeItsPossible · 28/11/2021 22:23

What's in it for you, op? I hope he gives you amazing, earth shattering orgasms at least?

oakleaffy · 28/11/2021 22:26

He'd be a hopeless choice, and babies have been occasionally hurt or worse when left with ''Gamer'' fathers, such is the extent of the gaming addiction.
Depressing cases online about babies ignored for hours or hit for interrupting games.

Of course he won't want to interrupt his gaming for a fretful/fractious/ colicky child.

Choose a far better father.

Thadhiya · 28/11/2021 22:27

You don't have to spend long reading this forum and the Relationships forum to see what happens to women who have children with disinterested men who only love gaming and/or work.

He sounds a complete joke, living off your high wages while he sits on his arse. This will only get worse with a baby around, and angry men are dangerous creatures.

Sunnyjac · 28/11/2021 22:36

And I have places like mumsnet to thank
for realising I take on the "mental load" - he
wouldn't in a million years realise that we
need new toothbrush heads or need to buy
more paracetamol or the gas meter
readings need taking.

You moved in together recently. So what did he do for toothbrush heads, paracetamol and meter readings before that? Were his teeth brown, did he have a permanent headache and was he being chased by bailiffs for non payment of utilities? No? Interesting that suddenly, in an apparently short space of time, he seems unable to undertake tasks that it would appear he managed previously.

Are you sure it’s an intimate partner relationship you’re in? Or was he on the lookout for a housekeeper with benefits? Time for a chat about your expectations. Good luck

Missrabbitt · 28/11/2021 22:45

Never ever ever ever have children with a man who you don’t think will pull his weight.

Having kids is wonderful but bloody hard work even if you do have a DP who does their half of the workload.

If you stay with him make him prove to you that he could be a good father.. perhaps he could do ALL of the housework and cooking for a week and see how he gets on.

stalkersaga · 28/11/2021 22:49

Throw this one back, it's stunted.

Some therapy for you sounds like a pretty good idea.

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