AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

@ChargingBuck

Since her partner has been contributing financially towards their mortgage for years

Since OP has not, she should not invest false hopes in @mintybobs's well meaning advice.

Even if she had, she doesn't have access to enough capital (because she gave it all away to her DP!) to fund an expensive legal case to establish/obtain her rights.

OP needs to seek legal advice ASAP- no doubt about that!

I have been a Sahm for several house moves and new mortgages and they have always been in both our names, no problem with me not working. Is it your partner who has told you you couldn't be on the dress? I would get legal advice asap op.

Yes, regardless of the semantics it's imperative that you get some real life professional advice OP.

If you're not sure where to start, then the CAB is a very useful resource - if they have an office near you do go and see them: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

They can help direct you to free / cheap legal advice: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

There are specific charities to help women with this too: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

@Wombat46

Who told you being on the mortgage would reduce your borrowing?

I've always been on the many mortgages we've had & that's never been the case for us.

I'd be very suspicious that he's actually protecting his assets.

I was about to ask this very question - I've been on all our mortgages even when I was a SAHM. Wondering if that was his idea?

@mintybobs This is probably a reference to beneficial interest. People can't get a settlement from a judge if they are not married. They have to pursue beneficial interest, which is difficult and expensive.

Actually the OPs attitude that £25k is peanuts is a very good indicator of how she got screwed over twice
No real appreciation for that value of money and it’s power
25k is a decent wage outside of London and the southeast

25k is a deposit for most houses outside of London & the southeast
25k could have set her up nicely again plus any gain in equity
25k is a large amount of money that most people would love to have as a deposit for a house
25k is not peanuts

Not sure if anybody’s mentioned this yet but if not you can register your home rights against the property do it and then casually mention that you’ve done it to him and see his reaction it will tell you everything you need to know about his plans for the future.

Personally I would recommend you get your ass back to work ASAP there’s never been a better time to negotiate terms and conditions in the workplace with a huge labour shortage you need to get back in there and split the childcare 5050

I said peanuts in the “scheme of things” - it was a mere drop in the ocean of what DP borrowed to get us this house. And it wouldn’t be of use to me as a deposit seeing as I have no job to get myself a mortgage..

Jessie75 you need a marriage certificate to register home rights.

You need to see a solicitor quickly and quietly to find out how to remedy the house situation. Once you know exactly how to do that legally, only then bring up the issue to your partner. You don't want him talking circles round you or proposing things that are really not to your advantage. Or telling you that something 'can't' be done when a solicitor has already told you it can.

And don't be surprised if he says "Why? Don't you trust me?". The answer is NO. Well, obviously you aren't going to say that. The answer is that the title on the property is a 'loose end' that must be tied up for your future security and the security of your child.

I'm in the US so I don't know squat about UK mortgages. My sister has never held a paying job in her life and has always been on all property deeds and the mortgages. I don't get why any institution would want to put someone at such a financial disadvantage by not allowing their name on the deeds at least.

Wow

You need to get this sorted immediately. Stop stalling.

I agree that being a SAHM with no income plus giving him your £25k deposit to go towards the house without your name being on the deeds was very naive considering he will not make your relationship legal by marrying you. I think if you can evidence you put money in to the first property it could be proved you have a beneficial interest in the current property given it provided the deposit but you need legal advice to confirm how you do that. At the very least I would look towards trying to get back into work and insist that he contribute towards childcare. Most people in second relationships are much more cautious so I am surprised you gave up any sort of financial stability for yourself so readily. Trust cannot be relied on alone in case things don't work out and realistically there is a chance of that happening.

I’d be worried if I was you. At the very least you need to discuss with him how much he’s ‘saving’ in childcare costs and use that as a starting point for a monthly salary for you. Paid by him.
Really though, that’s the minimum. If marriage genuinely isn’t on the cards then you need legal advice.

@EnglishMuffins

I said peanuts in the “scheme of things” - it was a mere drop in the ocean of what DP borrowed to get us this house. And it wouldn’t be of use to me as a deposit seeing as I have no job to get myself a mortgage..

Yes, so you need to start applying for fulltime work.

Well you have handled this really badly, but you aren’t the only one. I also think your partner is likely deliberately shafting you on the house - plenty of non working partners have their names on mortgages and deeds.

Before you start tackling it. Why is this a pattern? You mention that after your first marriage you ex kept the house and told you you couldn’t have any of the pension. It’s not his job to decide how money is split, that’s for a solicitor. You your kids shouldn’t have stayed in the house/or downsized, he should have bought a flat, you should have had a share of pension, and the bigger house sold and split between you when the kids grown up.

You mention with your current partner he might think you’re a gold digger. Why? Having the baby is a joint venture, you being at home is a joint decision, and no child care supports his career. And why are you waiting for him to propose. You sent a child or a fairly princess OP, and behaving like one isn’t going to get you protected.

Some time with a therapist is in order, because you seem to think your job is to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible for the men in your life.. and as a result you are being trampled.

ANYWAY

Sadly I suspect your DP really doesn’t want to get married. He is happy to support you being at home because he can afford it and it makes life easier, but he doesn’t want you to have any financial rights. It sounds like the house was deliberate, and if so, a dick move.

If you still want to marry him after that, then tell him - but whether you do or not, and whether he agrees or not, you need to start repairing your financial state.

So

• Go see a solicitor. What would happen if you split? What is a fair division of existing resources if you stay? How to you get your name the pension to make up for not working years?
• Armed with this knowledge talk to your partner about what you need financially. Know what your minimum line is, and if he won’t agree make plans to move on
• Go back to work, fgs. Being a full time parent is great short term if you want it and your partner can cover full financial security for both of you, but yours can’t or won’t.
• Go and get some advice on how to get back into your career, or if you never had one what you can do for decent pay and a pension
• Find out about child care costs

If your partner won’t marry you and won’t turn over some of his assets to you, you need to leave - but you may not choose to do it till you have a job and plans in place. Keep your council till you have your ducks in a row.

It's only an issue if your relationship is no good
Ask him outright to propose to you. Tell him you want the same second name as your child and you want the commitment. I see what others are saying but it's only applicable if your relationship isn't working.

I'm married and a SAHM basically. Yes I do own 50% of our business but I don't work

My husband is on the mortgage only as he bought the place before me

I am not on the deeds and we want to move and get a mortgage on a bigger house using the equity here

I wouldn't really be fussed about who's name was on what because our relationship is solid

Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up? Are you worried about him keeping the 25k if you split?

I wouldn't get a job to try to be independent if you don't need one, kids thrive with a parent at home.

@Englishmuffins has he got a will ? If not everything would go to your child if he dies. If his kid was an adult you would have to rely on their charity. My friend had an ex who lost his dad. His mum and Dad had separate shares of the family home as they were not married. His mum got a new partner and him and his sister forced a sale as they didn't want to house her new boyfriend while they rented. You might think your kid would always let you live their if he died with no will but things can get tricky.

@cultkid

It's only an issue if your relationship is no good Ask him outright to propose to you. Tell him you want the same second name as your child and you want the commitment. I see what others are saying but it's only applicable if your relationship isn't working.

I'm married and a SAHM basically. Yes I do own 50% of our business but I don't work

My husband is on the mortgage only as he bought the place before me

I am not on the deeds and we want to move and get a mortgage on a bigger house using the equity here

I wouldn't really be fussed about who's name was on what because our relationship is solid

Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up? Are you worried about him keeping the 25k if you split?

I wouldn't get a job to try to be independent if you don't need one, kids thrive with a parent at home.

No such thing as a common law wife.

@category12 I didn't know that, thank you for letting me know.

Do you not have some rights after living together for three years then?

@Beautifully4Dreamer

Get a FT job You pay half the childcare each Stop being so passive

You are in a very vulnerable financial position!

Why have you given someone else all the power ?

Reclaim yourself !

This is why, I will never be financially reliant on anyone

Absolutely this! why oh why do we constantly see women choosing to become dependent on their husbands. I will never give up my financial independence and don't care if I get married or not.

[quote cultkid]@category12 I didn't know that, thank you for letting me know.

Do you not have some rights after living together for three years then? [/quote]
Possibly in Australia?

If you're in the UK, have a look here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences

@Thehouseofmarvels

Jessie75 you need a marriage certificate to register home rights.

Oh really? Bugger.

Not read many PPs. The web site for Citizens Advice Bureau explains the difference between living together and marriage. They say if not married you can draw up a Cohabitation Contract with partner regarding money and assets and a Declaration of Trust regarding your right to own part of the house. Worth looking at. Ask your partner to do that if no marriage.

[quote cultkid]@category12 I didn't know that, thank you for letting me know.

Do you not have some rights after living together for three years then? [/quote]
Nope, as neatly summarised here by Birchall Blackburn Law:

"So you’re not married, but you’ve lived together for years. You want to know where you stand. So where exactly do you stand? Is there such a thing as a common law wife or common law husband?

The short answer is no, there’s not. This catches a lot of people out as they wrongly assume because they live and bought a house together, have children together, have joint bank accounts etc. that they are subject to the same conditions as those who are married. Unfortunately that is not the case and you face very different conditions legally if you were ever to separate or if either partner was to die."

Are you bananas!!! I have met a few women over the years, making up reason after reason why they do the daft things they do then need a huge amount of support when it all goes horribly wrong.

Go to see a solicitor certainly about the lump sum you put into the house. And please start thinking more sensibly if not for you but for your children.