AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

@EnglishMuffins

I absolutely take it seriously, I’ve seen it happen myself. But I feel my DP has been unfairly painted in a really bad light when I genuinely think he was only doing his best for his partner and family (including 2 children who aren’t his) now his eyes have been opened, and he knows how I’m feeling, we are working towards rectifying this. That is a good thing, right?

Yes, of course! I hope it all gets sorted out but I agree with PP that you need to be proactive.

I agree, I would get my own solicitor and do the meeting separately so there’s no influence from dp

Explore all avenues?

You're not asking him to cure cancer, just act in a decent fair manner when you put what little money you had into the house.

OP, whether you continue to be naive is up to you.

A CP is in your best interests.

I just can't imagine not wanting the mother of my child to be fully protected if I was a good guy.

Wishing you the best.

Of course I'm coming from a US legal perspective....but what does adding a name to the deeds have to do with the mortgage company? Putting a name on shouldn't affect the lien the bank has on the property as guarantee for the mortgage. The bank still gets its money first if the house is sold and can still take the house back if the mortgage is defaulted on, even if there are 100 people on the mortgage.

My MiL put DH and his Bro on her deeds through the county recorder's office (holder of deed papers here). They had a lawyer draw up the request for deed amendment and it was filed with the recorder along with a fee. The bank had nothing to do with it. I'm sure they were notified, but they didn't need to 'ok' it.

Yes a mortgage company can object to someone being on the deeds who is not on the mortgage as in the event of repossession it would get very complicated to evict the other person on the deeds. Most (all ?) mortgage companies won't accept this.

However, the OP and her boyfriend, should contact the mortgage company to re negotiate so she goes onto both. They may have to wait until she has a job.

She should have kept her previous job, or taken one temporarily, when buying the house in the first place so she could be on the mortgage and deeds THEN quit to become a SAHM.

I can see how you ended up in the situation but it's a very passive way to live.

it seems our best course of action is a declaration of trust to protect my mone

With concern for you OP, he's still taking you for a mug.

Your £25k should be a percentage of the house, which will have gained CONSIDERABLE equity in the covid house price boom.

He's actively ripping you off and you're thanking him.

@PicsInRed

it seems our best course of action is a declaration of trust to protect my mone

With concern for you OP, he's still taking you for a mug.

Your £25k should be a percentage of the house, which will have gained CONSIDERABLE equity in the covid house price boom.

He's actively ripping you off and you're thanking him.

This.

Surely OP you realise the basic math that if you pay 25k towards a 100k house, and after 10 years the house is worth 200k, then YOUR 25k has also doubled in value to 50k.

Surely you understand your 25k does NOT stay the same?

As the house increases in value, so does YOUR investment of 25k.

Surely you understand that?

If he simply protects your 25k which he could return to you, then he is knowingly ripping you off.

I brought down the affordability as I had (have) no income. This meant I couldn’t be named on the mortgage , and I couldn’t be named on the deeds as the mortgage lender see that as too risky.

OP, who told you this?

Side point because I see the insults have begun...OP, for the love of Bog, don't continue to leave yourself wide open, or not as well protected as you could be, because you're scared of being called "bitter" or whatever the current insult du jour is to shame and terrify women into not acting in their own best interests.

As J K Rowling said: what next, they'll say you've got fleas?

I don’t think it’s as simple as that

I'd encourage you to find out.

Last time I moved, it was together with my now husband. He was too old too qualify for the very advantageous offset mortgage we decided to go with. We qualified based only on my income. We still put his name in the deeds and the mortgage. No problem at all.

Where are you getting your information, that it is til complicated, from? Is it the mortgage provider or your DP?

Just asking'

@DrSbaitso

Side point because I see the insults have begun...OP, for the love of Bog, don't continue to leave yourself wide open, or not as well protected as you could be, because you're scared of being called "bitter" or whatever the current insult du jour is to shame and terrify women into not acting in their own best interests.

As J K Rowling said: what next, they'll say you've got fleas?

Yes OP, you would be phenomenally badly advised to pay attention to someone who thinks discussion about financial weakness and risk makes you bitter, even if they did say what you wanted to hear. Protect your position and act in your own interests.

@EnglishMuffins

And unless we married or had a CP, I’m not sure what else he could do to protect me in the event of his death? He has a will which leaves everything to me and his work life cover is left to me and pays off the mortgage.

If you are not married his family can contest the will and they WILL WIN. What is it, that you don't understand about that?

If he loved you he'd commit to you and marry you. Full stop.

End of story.

He does not love you enough to marry you. Why do you stay with such a grub? I would demand, at the very least, that he married me. But, I have self respect. And I know my worth. That's the difference between you and me. He either marries me, or it's over. O.V.E.R. You have no self respect. He will fuck you over and you will be back on here within a year about how he fucked you over. Mark my post. Wake up. Don't accept being the cheap woman that he can get the milk from for free. Know your worth. This is 2021. I can't believe women still won't demand marriage or at least some formal commitment. I could NEVER be with a man who didn't love me enough to marry me. It's about self respect.

Op I would try to get this sorted. Im not being rude when I say this but would it be worth getting a job when you child is three and can access free childcare? Then you wil have something for yourself.

@Morgysmum

If he isn't going, to change his mind about marrying you, just tell him, you want to go back to work as you are bored at home, your child could go to nursery. Yes, it might be another part time job, but then you could, put some money aside, then if things go south, you will have some savings. You didn't get much from your first marriage aprt from 2 kids, if he is earning more than he can cover childcare.

Why should she lie about her reasons for going back to work?

She should be entirely upfront and tell him that she needs to go back to work to protect herself and her children's futures. If he doesn't like it then he can make changes.

Married people don’t have to leave their money/assets to the person they are married to.
I know two people who suddenly discovered they had been left a nominal sum only in their spouses will in the last year. One has had to sell the house and has to buy something much cheaper. The other had her own money so was able to buy the other half.
Nothing is guaranteed

@ClaudiaJ1 I can see why you say this - but I think you're barking up the wrong tree in this case. This man has already been divorced once, and would be ill advised to remarry, especially a woman who already has children. I completely see that she has no protection as things stand. But if he marries her, he signs away all his own protection. Why would he want to do that? He's already been there and done that once.

@EnglishMuffins now his eyes have been opened, and he knows how I’m feeling, we are working towards rectifying this

His eyes will have been opened when he got divorced. There is absolutely no way he didn't know this. I don't think this makes him a bad person in the slightest. I think it probably means he has been hoping to fudge it all because it's a difficult and awkward conversation which nobody really likes having. He would actually be slightly mad to marry you, and you would be slightly mad not to insist on it. Your and his positions are irreconcilable.

That said: what you can still do is make the best of it. I said upthread, and others have said since, that you need your percentage share of the house to be yours in law. You also, unfortunately, need to return to work, and earn on the assumption that you might need the money one day (hopefully you won't). You need to become far more focussed on the fact that you would be doing this for your children as well as for yourself. If you do go back to work, your partner needs to pay an equal share of the childcare costs. All other bills etc should be split on a fair basis, with the aim being that you will eventually be paying for half (or more!) of everything.

@ClaudiaJ1

I could NEVER be with a man who didn't love me enough to marry me. It's about self respect.

And this is how a cocklodger gets his feet under your table. Once you are the person with more assets, it is important to start thinking about protecting them.

Otherwise, you will find yourself with a man who is happy to marry because if you divorce, he will be in for a payoff.

Love is blind but independent legal advice is an eye opener.

I think you should have a solicitor on speed dail give your choices. I don't mean that to insult you but you do seem to be overly led by feelings ahead of logic. Surely, you recognise this is the case?

I get the impression that you are only barely listening to the advice on the thread because "he is a good man"....most are until a divorce.

It's not about whether or not he is a good man. You still need to protect yourself and more importantly your children. If you are right, then great but if not, then you are not exposed.

Even if he was the best man in the world or my brother who I think the world of and could never imagine him treating you badly, I would still give you the same advice.

I think it’s a little unfair to keep characterizing OPs partner as manipulative, scheming and all the other things. He really has no reason to want to marry OP. He is supporting her and her two children full time. She is doing well out of this arrangement. The only way to redress the balance is for both parents to work. And then start again with the finances.

@EnglishMuffinsI do hope you have seen someone now and got decent financial advice.
Whilst people are talking about the house / mortgage you are also paying the childcare costs every month.
By giving up your career to be the SAHM you are effectively swapping your salary to your Partner every month. So when calculating what you contribute and he contributes you need to work out how much FULL TIME child care is and then make an agreement that includes this into your asset contribution. Plus the household management that you do.

I really worry for you reading this as it is assumed you are a non-contributory partner but in fact you are contributing a lot - it is just not actual cash.

But on the mortgage application he would have had to state who would be living in the property, he would have had to put you and as you have no job you would have been classed as a dependent which reduces the overall borrowing anyway.

I know this as (for various reasons) I am not on the mortgage for our house and as I work we stated that I am financially independent (which I am as I have a good income) and so not a dependent. We are married though so this didn't bother me.

However this is the reason we did get married. I wasn't working and sahm to the dc when they were small he didn't want to get married as he didn't see the point - there was no benefit to him to get married however he knew there was to me so we got married

didn't notice how old this thread is!