AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

You can draw up a deed of trust to cover your investment in the property- a lawyer did mine for £300 a few years ago. Make sure you discuss it with your partner in writing so you have some acknowledgment of the contribution in writing anyway if he refuses to sign it

@vivainsomnia

Oh and of course once you have a FT job, take him to the bank to add you on the mortgage and deeds.

A bank will be able to do bugger all about the deeds, for that you'll need the solicitors and Land Registry.

Who told you being on the mortgage would reduce your borrowing?

I've heard this old chestnut before @Wombat46

Only at third hand though, i.e. from posters in OP's exact position, c/o their DP's who have told them exactly the same thing.

It's patent bullshit.
Again - I do not trust this man, & hope that OP's love goggles don't prevent her from seeing through his financial ploys.

Why didnt yu at least ringfence the deposit nothing to do with trust it was your money!

my dsis and partner done this its his depsosit money so if anything happens with them he can get that back

It’s not often I am lost for words on MN but OH MY GOODNESS ME. Gobsmacked…

Ex H screwed you over with the pension BUT how have you got yourself into this situation with DP? He saw you coming didn’t he?

It’s 2021 - solicitor advice, immediately. You are absolutely screwed IMHO. Unless when the mortgage app was made you ringfenced your money, I’m going to guess you didn’t.

How is this still happening?! Wise up women.

He's got you trapped financially. Get a full time job.

@ChargingBuck

Who told you being on the mortgage would reduce your borrowing?

I've heard this old chestnut before @Wombat46

Only at third hand though, i.e. from posters in OP's exact position, c/o their DP's who have told them exactly the same thing.

It's patent bullshit.
Again - I do not trust this man, & hope that OP's love goggles don't prevent her from seeing through his financial ploys.

It's not quite bullshit, it absolutely can hinder a mortgage application if one party has a poor credit history. Lenders will often base their lending on the credit history of the weakest applicant and a bad history will be given more weight than a good one.

Whether that is what happened in OPs case specifically, who knows.

Oh god, I makes me feel a bit sick when I read these kinds of stories. You absolutely should never base all your life decisions on trust, without protecting yourself. Trust is great when you like each other, but in the event of a split means nothing

Please tell us you weren't foolish enough to allow him to buy the house solely in his name, without a legal contract what happens with the money you put into it in the event of a split? If you didn't you have basically just given him that money.

In terms of implications, you have put yourself into a position where you are entirely reliant on him. If he decides to end the relationship then you are entitled to nothing but CMS. He can kick you out of the house tomorrow as it's his. If he decided to change beneficiaries on his life insurance or will (assuming you are a beneficiary) you would never know until it's too late, if he won't marry you then you can't force him. He basically holds every single card

I’m a bit confused
Surely he had to prove where the deposit came from
I’m selling a house and the amount of proof have to show bank statements passport driving licence so I can only imagine that buying is the same if not more

If you were both on the deeds to the previous house when you bought your new house even if your not on the mortgage if you are going to be living in the house you have to sign something saying you have no interest in the house - to protect the mortgage company
If you didn’t do that then I suspect your DP bought as a single person on the mortgage application and didn’t mention you as his partner
If this is the case then I would say that 100 percent he knew exactly what he was doing and he’s safeguarded his interest at the expense of both you and your kids

You have been fooled, twice.

Start rectifying now. Don't lose another second.

I hope your second one turns out to be decent. He must know how precarious this all is for you.

WRT your first husband. It wasn't up for him to decide the pot wasn't 'worth splitting'. That was for the courtts/solicitors to decide.

@Wombat46 Actually I am not on the deeds or mortgage for my house because the a**holes at Nationwide refused to let us port our mortgage when we moved house, based on the fact that I had a baby and “if I lost my job I couldn’t afford Nursery” even though I gave them my work contract (3 months notice) and nursery contract (1 months notice) and even though we could afford the house on my husband’s income alone.
Utterly sexist decision as they never questioned whether my DH could afford to be a SAHP if HE lost HIS job. Nationwide just didn’t want our business, we were porting an extremely generous mortgage deal we’d scored years earlier. They effed around with the mortgage decision for so long we almost lost the house, so last minute we plumped for HSBC, didn’t have time to do the full process explaining again why I wasn’t a risky borrower (perfect credit history, track record of continuous permanent FT employment ). So we just put the house in my DH name.

I had to sign a legal document declaring I would make no claim to, nor squat in, the house of DH defaults on the mortgage. They would not le5 my name be on the deeds.

However we are married. And we pay off the mortgage next year at which time I will get my name n the deeds.

I would not in a million years take such a chance if I wasn’t married.

OP you need legal advice.

What they all said.

From the title I assumed this was something you were considering, not something you’d already done.

No idea how you get out of this mess apart from getting a job that can support you and your DC and then at least you’ll be okay if he leaves you or dies.

It’s bad OP, really bad. He’s not a good man based on what’s gone on.

These threads appear on MN with depressing regularity.

The thing is he has the upper hand now...you can ask him for marriage and ask to be put on the deeds but if he says no, then what? He can turn round at any time and leave you with virtually fuck all...hence I can imagine you'll have to spend a lot of time keeping him sweet in order to avoid your life being wrecked. Absolute madness.

is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”

Oh OP, he knew exactly what he was doing.

You should talk to him about how to secure your situation financially even if he doesn't want to marry. The house needs to be in your name too. Any other assets/ investments need to be in both names and you need all the paperwork for all of this. He needs to be paying into a separate pension for you, in your name (and you need to see evidence of this each month).

But he is not going to do this, is he? He will try to emotionally coerce you by saying you don't 'trust' him. But of course, all this trust means all the risk is on you, not him. If he tries the 'trust' card, tell him to show his 'trust' in you by putting all the savings and investments and pensions in your name only. See whether 'trust' works both ways.

You need to see a solicitor OP, at least to get your share of the house protected. Then you need to do everything you can to protect yourself financially by building your own career.

I’m also lost for words op, sadly. I can’t believe you just handed over your divorce settlement like that and then gave up work, your car, your pension, your everything. To a man who doesn’t even want to marry you.

Get a job, joint pay for child care, tell him you will seek legal advice and you want your investment protected retrospectively and take control of your life.

You need need need to go back to work fulltime and start building up your own pension pot and savings.

I am not a lawyer, but I would think you have a "beneficial interest" in the current house because you contributed to the cost of it. Please do get legal advice on this and how to secure your interest in the house, and on other aspects of your situation, OP. You need a definite update on where you stand financially.

he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”. Words fail me, and am a chap myself. Get yourself to a relationships property lawyer and see if it's possible to record your contribution as a share in the value of the property (not just a debt of a fixed amount as that will be reduced in value by inflation). Ideally by transferring a 50% share to you, reflecting your original contribution.
Regarding pension rights etc, this is less urgent but no less important. Your claim on them is far weaker if you're not married and you should ask the lawyer if you can both sign a legally binding de facto property agreement that allows you to claim 50% of all assets that he accumulates during your relationship, and vice versa. That's what is fair, and if he is a decent fella he will understand that.
If he pulls some sentimental reason to refuse you this basic level of security then I think you should start rethinking whether he's the right guy for you.

Oh gosh yes you are in a very vulnerable financial position, been there and done that. He needs to cover 50% of your little’s ones costs and cover 50% of the actual childcare for the week (either by paying for childcare or doing it himself) and housework. The 50% of the week you have free (and any additional childcare you want to pay for) I would recommend you go back to work for then look to buy a house jointly together. If he asks you why then tell him the truth.

Gosh this seems a bit uneven! As above PP says see a Solicitor pretty quick. Men who have been married before often seem to be wary second time round .This leaves any partners in a precarious position as you know.

If you were my friend in real life, I'd be hugely worried about your future.. After your first marriage, you should've approached your second relationship with more financial caution.
I'm a single parent, it took me 18 months to get to where I am today with our house, a better job and a small amount of savings to fall back on.. Reading your thread has reaffirmed to me the exact reasons why I will remain single and not give up the future I'm building for my DD.
I hope you manage to find some resolution.

Wow, OP. This is absolute madness.

Why do so many women give up their career, security, future prospects, everything, so bloody willingly!

If he won't marry you you're screwed and I'd be amazed if he agrees to it given what you've said - being completely mercenary about it, what's in it for him? He's got nothing to gain from it.

Obviously if he's a decent man he'll readily agree to either marry you or get the title to house changed at least but, again, you're totally reliant upon his goodwill now.

Thank you for your responses. Lots to read through and digest. General consensus that I’ve been very foolish, which I am aware of.
Me not working meant that I was a dependent , much like a child, so to borrow what we needed to get the bigger house, my name was removed from the application as I had no earnings to add.
No declaration of trust was written up when we sold our previous house . He didn’t need evidence of a deposit as it was just clumped equity from the sale of the old house. Also his mortgage provider wouldn’t have me on the deeds as they insist on being first charge.
It was £25k which is peanuts in the scheme of what was borrowed but it’s all I have (had).

If I was you, I'd secretly seek legal advice first and not mention anything about marriage and money to him yet...