AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

[GreenClock]

You do sound a bit peevish OP. Sorry. I understand how tough it must have been though.

I really hope that the forthcoming IVF works for you.

[gamerchick]

I thought it was maybe a reverse but I know people IRL who kicked off, ripped up scan photos and threatened to kick babies out of bellys because they were pregnant and they were struggling.

I think anything is possible tbh when it comes to this sort of stuff. Unreasonable gets a free pass for some reason.

[IamGusFring]

You told her that you wanted space if she got pregnant first and she did but now you are complaining but even more you are asking that she change her behaviour ( not have the baby shower ) to suit you ? Come on OP - you're being ridiculous here .

[ThorsLeftNut]

You told her when she got pregnant you would want space, she gave you space, your pissed you got space?

I’m very sorry for your losses, it truly is heartbreaking but they’re YOUR losses, not your BIL/SIL. They have every right to enjoy and be excited about their pregnancy.

[GettingItOutThere]

i am sorry for your loss. But they have done nothing wrong.

You sound very all about you, how about their struggles if they need IVF? Have you known if they have losses? mabey they have and havent told you?!

I think over this you need to consider their feelings and be happy for them

[Staryflight445]

Ultimately this baby doesn’t change what you’ve been through or what you’re going through. Even your own pregnancy next time won’t make any of that any different.
They’ve clearly had their struggles too and you need to respect that just because it’s not as bad as what you’ve been through, it’s still hard for them.

We all have to respect one another despite what we go through in our lives, surely you’d prefer to feel happy for them rather than watch them undergo what you have op?
Your sil and bil can’t do right for wrong really.

[Somebodylikeyew]

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s a shitty, horrible, lonely thing to go through and horrible timing to have to be happy for someone else.

You aren’t being unreasonable to feel those things- your feelings are your feelings. But I think you are being unreasonable to expect them not to celebrate and talk about their also “hard-won” pregnancy.

I am so sorry for your loss. Have you been able to talk it through with anyone? Maybe that would help… I hope you have your baby very soon x

[PheonixGlitterRepublic]

This can’t be for real, surely nobody is this unbelievably self centered?

[SelfHelpPlease]

I'm really sorry about your late loss. I've been there, I know how it feels. So I'm sending love, strength, positivity and baby dust. ❤

I do think you're being unreasonable. They never told you, you found out some other way. She is allowed to tell people her news, she needs support, just as much as the next pregnant woman. As for her baby shower, you didn't get an invite because they knew itd upset you. You even said you wouldn't have attended. You absolutely cannot take the joy out of their pregnancy and celebrations because of your experience. If anything, you should be praying for them, that they get a baby in their arms by the end of it. This is what I do. Even several years on!
Its okay to be jealous and upset, after all your pregnancy didn't end well but please don't be bitter.

Have you had counselling?

[SameToo]

Is this a reverse? If not then you are incredibly unreasonable and insensitive.

[ThinWomansBrain]

sorry for your loss, I am sure that your family are too
but you can't expect all of your family to remain childless/have no further children ib deference to you, which is kind of what your post intimates you'd prefer.

[Ohmybod]

OP, I am truly sorry for the losses you have suffered. I wonder from your post are you carrying (justifiably) a lot of anger related to the loss and trauma and are perhaps misdirecting this anger at your ILs. A good step, if you haven’t already done this, is to start counselling and process everything you been through. Talking will help.

My Dsis lost a baby girl who had been born prematurely. It was horrendous. However, she never dealt with the loss and was sad and angry and ended up taking it out on me. We have been NC for 3 yrs and I miss her and her kids desperately - BUT - her loss does not allow her to treat me badly.

Don’t allow this to impact your DHs relationship with his brother.

[Wondergirl100]

Im sorry Op you have been through one of the most horrific experiences in life, I am sure everyone here would agree that your pain is natural and have huge sympathy for that.

But can't you see here that you are spoiling their special time? If you got pregnant and close family members were seething with anger about the fact that you told other people and it got back to them - wouldn't you be pretty upset? It's none of your business who your SIl told about her pregnancy - she is entitled to behave exactly as she likes and she clearly avoided you as you had asked.

It might have been easier for you (not her - but actually for you) if you had just embraced the situation given her a big hug and had a cry about it at home. The way you have dealt with this has just been painful for you and your partner and you are being eaten up with resentment.

Your comments about the baby shower are absolutely bonkers and I say that kindly. It's her life, her pregnancy - she should be celebrating it as much as she wants. This may be her only baby - you can't seroiusly expect her tiptoeing around you forever.

And I think you need to make sure your DH is now a good brother to her - after all, if you do get to have a baby through IVF you will want and need all the family support too.

[BlusteringBoobies]

OP I hope you have stuck with this thread. From what you have written and the way you have written it, I think you're not going to expect the replies you've received.

Know that they come from women who have been where you are as well as those who have been in your SIL's position so I hope you don't dismiss them outright.

I hope you can reflect on your behaviour and see that it's ok to feel the way you do, but this has clouded how you are now treating others and perhaps some professional support may be of help?

I wish you all the best on your journey.

[Overthebow]

YABU. Their pregnancy isn't about you. They are allowed to be happy and excited about their pregnancy and celebrate ti with family.

[BackBackBack]

I'm sorry but YABVU. I'm sorry for your loss, but presumably if you were to become pregnant you would expect your family to celebrate and be pleased for you? Why should it be different for your SIL, who by the sounds of it has also been through a tough TTC journey?

[Clueing4looks]

Copernicus called, apparently the world doesn’t actually revolve around you!

You are being very unreasonable. Your in laws have every right in the world to celebrate her pregnancy in whichever way they choose. I am sorry for your loss but you need to see things from their side too. There must be a reason they went with the ivf route. I actually feel sorry that they’ve had to tiptoe round you as if their baby, your niece or nephew, is a dirty little secret.

I truly wish you success in your future ivf cycle but you need to accept you’ve made this into a bigger thing than it needed to be.

[CatJumperTwat]

It does read like a reverse but those posters don't usually disappear for five pages...

[FlickerBeat]

I can't see anything they've done wrong ...

[luckylavender]

I so sorry for the problems you've had but I don't think your ILs have done anything wrong. You've put them in an impossible situation where they can't win.

[Anycolourwilldo]

I've was in a similar situation to you a few years back and it is so difficult to deal with jealousy when you are grieving for your lost baby and trying to get pregnant.
But you can't take it out on your BIL and SIL. I know it's agonising and hard but you need to put your game face on and try to be happy for them.
In the mean time, I strongly advise that you seek help from a specially trained fertility therapist who can guide you through the complex emotions you're feeling regarding your family.
All the best with your future ivf.

[Helpstopthepain]

It seems that however they approached it would have been wrong.

For them to be going through IVF as well must mean that they have struggled to conceive or had issues themselves?

[TakeMe2Insanity]

It sounds like you are not close to bil and sil. Bil and sil have to an extent done what you’d asked, you prepped them that you would cut them out so understandably they weren’t going to invite you to the baby shower.
As for who attends the baby shower, its their guest list. When you have your baby shower you can decide who attends. I say this as a person who totally understands and has lived infertility and many miscarriages for far too long. My advice to you would be to drop round a congratulations card and some flowers and be delighted that someone from the ivf class is graduating. It is hard and this doesn’t take away from your loss and pain but this is about a new baby. It’s not your baby but your niece or nephew, you have the opportunity to be a lovely aunt or someone distant.

[Marianne1234]

Right you need to move forward and stop obsessing over them. I’ve been in a similar position with my own in-laws and let me tell you it causes you nothing but misery. Let them live their lives. If you can’t be part of it then don’t be. But for your own sake, move on.