AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

[Keepitrealnomists]

I've been watching this thread since it was originally posted.
I am so sorry for your loss OP, it must be incredibly difficult and you need some councilling to come to terms with everything.
I am your SIL in this situation, I had a baby and when my baby was 3 months old my SIL (brothers wife) lost their baby at 22 weeks I was made to feel awful because their baby had died and mine had lived. The relationship broke down, she wouldn't see us, I was made to feel as I wasn't allowed to celebrate any milestones in child's life. It's been 5 years and they have gone on to have more children but the damage is done. The relationship with my brother has never been the same. They always compare my son to the child they lost, it's fucking hard! As hard as it is these are your feelings to sort out, do not punish them for something you want. Be kind to yourself and each other.

[iloveredpandas]

Is this a reverse?

Honestly it sounds like you are making everything about you and not letting them be excited about their pregnancy. Having gone through IVF themselves you should be celebrating with them (even though it's hard on you, it's family and you need to be happy with them).

[dutchessmom]

It's a very difficult situation, and I do understand that it affects you. They should have handled the situation better, but not everyone knows how to do it correctly. Maybe they thought that this was the best way?

But I am with you, it would bother me too and I would find it hard (and painful) to rise above the situation.

[Youlittlerascal]

Hi Ivy
I am genuinely sorry for what you have gone through but maybe through no fault of your own you are making this all about you and also making a further victim of yourself. You cannot control anyone or any circumstances outside of your own. Let her go. Let her have a baby. None of your business. Detach if it is painful or if close to sil love the baby and l really do hope that some day your day of happiness will come too.
From harsh experience in my own life and after many painful lessons l realised that there are millions of variables to life that we have no control over. No control. Just let stuff go if you can. Easier on yourself and others too. Sil cannot tip toe around you or me or anyone. She has to get on with her own life. Harsh words to swallow but life altering valuable lessons.
Take care.

[custardbear]

So sorry for all you've been through OP it must be so painful. I won't harp on about being unreasonable as others have said that in droves but you will get your time with your first baby, it will come and you'll have all of those wonderful experiences, so be strong whilst you're waiting. I tell my children all the time how they kept me waiting years for them to come, when they ask me about my pregnancies that didn't work out I told them that they weren't ready to come yet but you came when it was the right time.
Good luck, be kind to yourself and your friends and family who are also probably suffering in their family journeys

[Craftylittlething]

YABVU they are allowed to be happy and celebrate their good news. The world doesn’t revolve around you and they have every right to involve their family in life and celebrations.

[NeverChange]

I'm sorry for your loss and you struggles to conceive.

It seems like you in laws are trying to be very respectful of your situation. It really does even if you don't see it that way.

From your posts, maybe try re-reading them all together and you may see where I'm coming, this is at an all consuming unhealthy level for you. It's completely understandable but it's not healthy and must be really difficult. Counselling could real both in terms of your own situation and how you deal with the pregnancies of those around you.

Good luck on your journey.

[lljkk]

Why did SIL & BIL want to pay for private IVF ??
OP seems to be saying they would have had no reason to get IVF on NHS. So they must have paid £££££. Why did they do that? They don't like sex? They wanted a low chance of successful conception? They hoped to generate lots of embryos to implant over many years to come?

In general, we should be happy about other people's happy events.
Fine to feel Indifferent if you really don't like the other people, I suppose.
Their pregnancy success didn't cause and won't change OP's difficult experiences.

I honestly thought this had to be a reverse.
I don't think I can understand jealousy & envy at all.

[taylorwilde]

OP I'm so sorry for your devastating loss and wish you all the best on your IVF journey. I hope you have the baby you so long for very soon.

As someone who has experienced an extraordinary amount of pain in her life, I need to advise you to seek counselling and support immediately. Your pain has clouded your judgement and you have been very unreasonable - the comment that she shouldn't have answered the phone is ludicrous and there is no reason why she shouldn't have had the baby shower she wanted, particularly after she needed IVF too. It very much sounds like your husbands family are all walking on egg shells around you and your poor husband has been put in a terrible position. I feel for your SIL , and can understand why she felt nobody was excited about her baby.

If you're not very careful, the pain and grief of your losses are going to consume you. It could harm your relationships with your husband's family for good. It's likely already influenced how they perceive you. You do not want to be consumed by bitterness and resentment.

If I were in your shoes, I would begin counselling immediately. If I could not afford it - I would join as many support groups for as possible. There are countless on facebook.

I would very much try to be as supportive as possible to SIL and BIL in an indirect way. If you cannot be physically present at this time, that's okay.

Send vouchers gifts for the baby. Encourage your husband to be a great uncle - think what amazing hands on practice it will give him for your future children. And if parenthood doesn't work out for you he'll treasure his role as an uncle all the more. Ask your MIL to choose gifts for the baby (transfer her the money) if it's too much for you but make sure you acknowledge this baby and what joy it will bring to your husband's extended family. The baby deserves to be cherished Your BIL and SIL deserve for their baby to be celebrated. Don't let your grief get in the way of that.

[AngeloMysterioso]

BIL and SIL did go to IVF straight away. There are many reasons why people do IVF and there are situations where people either choose to do IVF without first trying naturally or they go to IVF straight away because there's no option of trying naturally. I do appreciate that IVF would have been tough on them, as it is for many people, but as fertility/ IVF journey's go theirs is probably one of the best you could hope for. I'm not trying to down play any struggles they had going through IVF, but we do know that they have no history of loss, no history of trying to conceive for a very long time and it worked on the first try. I know people often don't talk publicly about their struggles, but in this particular situation we do know the above to be the case.

It sounds as though you’d find their pregnancy easier to live with if they’d suffered more. Maybe you feel as though they’ve had more of an easy ride than they deserve because you’ve been through so much?

[Patapouf]

YABU. I understand why it'a so difficult for you with your losses and ongoing struggle to TTC but the world does not revolve around you.
You cannot be outwardly bitter because relatives doesn't struggle with their fertility to the exact same extent. from your descriptions they were very respectful and sensitive of your feelings.

Did you want them to not tell anyone they were having a baby and then hide the child? Whether or not they have a baby has zero bearing on whether you ever will and your bizarre controlling behaviour is selfish and is risking your long term relationship with DHs family (yours and his!). Get the baby a present and stop being horrid, by all means don't socialise with them if you find it painful but don't be mean.

[Fet2021duejuly2022]

I think some of the replies are really mean on this thread. Don’t forget you’re addressing a woman who has lost a baby and is in an extraordinary amount of pain. We all deal with problems in different ways and mental health is a very real thing.

[Qwertykeys]

I hope you re read this thread and realise you are bang out of order. All your sil has done wrong is get pregnant, you are so consumed in resentment towards this it's clouding your judgement . You need to stop with the me me me , are you going to resent this child all its life , will sil not dress it correctly , have the pram you would want . Op you need to stop , it's there pregnancy , there baby shower , as much as you want it to be it's not yours . Stop projecting your loss onto them .

[drpet49]

** You haven’t considered them once in all of this? I can’t believe what I just read tbh.

They needed IVF too and you don’t know the reasons for this or if they’ve suffered any losses and not told you to protect your feelings.

I sympathise with you and everything you’ve been through but sound extremely selfish and should be happy for them, you’re getting a niece or nephew!! You’re putting your husband in a terrible position here too.**

^This. Your behaviour has been disgraceful.

[lynntheyresexpeople]

I honestly think apologising to them would help turn a corner.
At this point you really must stop justifying your behaviour- the entire thread, everyone is telling you the same thing. Your relationship will be destroyed if you cannot come to terms with this. Please listen, you're potentially ruining what should be the happiest time in their lives, due to bitterness, jealousy and grief. None of this is fair, you know that.
The size of their baby shower is no concern of yours op. They could have had 5 people, and you'd still have found issues. It's not insensitive to you - it's not remotely about you. It's their day, they don't need to accommodate you in that.
Answering the phone - ok, it wasn't an important call, it could have been. They aren't mind readers, it's ludicrous to think they shouldn't answer what could be an urgent call in your company.
If you need space from them, fine. Don't expect your husband to distance himself from his brother and unborn niece/nephew. That is incredibly unfair.
Fair play for acknowledging certain points op, but there's still a lot of justification on your part which isn't making any new points. I hope you find your happiness in whatever way that may be

[Lightswitch123]

YABVU

[FrownedUpon]

You sound incredibly self centred. I’m cringing for you. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your quest for a child. Be careful you don’t alienate everyone around you, as that’s the road you’re heading down.

[ShowMeTheSugar]

And I wanted to say that your time will come, try to enjoy this time as much as you can,

Please don't ever say this to anyone with fertility issues. Ever. Just please don't.

[Hertsgirl10]

And I wanted to say that your time will come, try to enjoy this time as much as you can, being happy for other people doesn’t make your happiness will never happen.
I hope I didn’t sound too harsh I don’t want to upset you, I was thinking of my friend that struggled with ivf for years and had to go though so much, finally has her baby girl due soon, she was always happy for others even though it hurt watching everyone getting pregnant.

Would you consider meeting up with SIL and speaking frankly with her? Once you’ve done it you might find the other things to come not hurt so much.

[Highfivemum]

Firstly I am very sorry for you loss.
I really think you have to seperate the two fundamental things. You are on a journey and they are too. They are seperate. This is not a contest. As someone trying for a baby you need to focus on your journey not theirs. Be pleased for them. They have done as you asked, they probably feel akward to knowing your situation. Getting upset and cutting ties is not going to help you in your quest.
Please understand I really feel for you but you need to try and take a back seat and remember that to them their journey is important to them as yours is.
You don’t have to gush and run around. But but a gift. Get your DH to take it round and then move forward. Next time may be your time to celebrate. 💐 good luck

[Hertsgirl10]

You haven’t considered them once in all of this? I can’t believe what I just read tbh.

They needed IVF too and you don’t know the reasons for this or if they’ve suffered any losses and not told you to protect your feelings.

I sympathise with you and everything you’ve been through but sound extremely selfish and should be happy for them, you’re getting a niece or nephew!! You’re putting your husband in a terrible position here too.

[DRGT]

I would suggest these 'mistakes' of leaving something announcing the pregnancy and the phone call were contrived because they were terrified of telling you directly and upsetting you. I think they have been sensitive and mindfulness quite within their rights to celebrate and announce their pregnancy with bells and whistles - this action doesn't mean they love you any less or diminish your grief - it is a symbolic gesture of their love for their unborn. I think that there now needs to be more love. Love for them and that baby, love to your husband and yourself - allow yourselves to love them and your future niece/nephew. Your pain will always be there but loving will not exaggerate it nor diminish your loss. It will allow healing. This will be a tough time for you but if you don't look to change your mindset then you will only suffer more... love, love, love. Show your BIL and SIL your love ... even though it causes you such pain... you will not regret it as love has an amazing way of finding its way back to you and it is remarkably healing.

[Almostmenopausal]

So hang on, you suggested your SIL & you be sensitive to the other if a pregnancy occurs. She got pregnant and was sensitive to you by not telling you & upsetting you until they were past the risky stage (to avoid unnecessary upset - wise) and again, wisely, didn't invite you to their baby shower as to avoid rubbing your noses in it, and this has pissed you off? You're pissed off because they've done EXACTLY what you asked them to do.......

Sounds like you're in competition with them. That you're trying to find a reason to be angry at them.

[MeredithGreyishblue]

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time but you're doing your best to make sure you take all the shine out of her pregnancy.
I'm glad this thread has given you some perspective. You were being awfully unfair and cruel but you know that.
Their baby is a joy and they should be allowed that joy. Just as you would in her position.

[Kinko]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it has been for you.

However, I've had to vote YABU because it feels like they can't do right for doing wrong to be honest.