AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

[Outfoxedbyrabbits]

I'm very sorry for your losses, and for the difficulties you are still going through. However, you seem to think that you should be able to dictate how another couple go about their own pregnancy, which is unreasonable in the sense that your troubles shouldn't affect their celebrations etc. (as long as they're not directing it at you/expecting you to join in, which you've said they're not). The fact that you're struggling doesn't mean that they should have to change/reduce/alter their own wishes for their own pregnancy.

I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

So things like this do come across as unreasonable. There is no such thing as a "normal baby shower" in my experience but even if there were, your SIL has the right to invite male friends and relatives to HER baby shower if she so chooses. Expecting her not to do this because of your situation is going a bit far, I think.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

I would imagine your SIL thinks you would prefer she doesn't mention anything about it to you directly, especially considering you are doing all you can to avoid it. You even told them in advance that if this situation arose you'd want space from them, which appears to be what they're trying to give you. She probably thinks you'd experience her saying something like this as an attempt to rub your nose in it or something. I am also unsure why your complaint is directed at your SIL's lack of contact with you, and not your BIL's lack of contact with your DH as it is actually the pair of men who are brothers? Expecting her to have the responsibility for contacting her husband's brother's wife (to whom she is not and has never been particularly close) is a bit much.

I do think it's completely understandable that you're being unreasonable, because it must be very upsetting for you that they are pregnant when that's all you want for yourself. But I would try to recognise that the two things are not linked in any way and that therefore you need to allow them to do what they like without seeing it as somehow connected to you.

I do hope you have your baby very soon

[SarahAndQuack]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I agree YABU.

Getting family support during pregnancy is really important - I have heard it's quite strongly associated with better mental health outcomes for new mothers; it's not trivial. You can't reasonably expect your BIL and SIL to do without that.

[YellowandGreenToBeSeen]

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time and for your losses. Unfortunately, other women are going to become pregnant either through the usual route or IVF and are allowed to celebrate this. They seem to have been respectful of your feelings and situation. The mixed baby shower is not meant to hurt you and as said, she / they are allowed to celebrate their news.

[peboh]

Yabu. They haven't done anything wrong.
They're understandably excited, and you've basically told them they can't be and they must keep quiet because it will upset you. Unfortunately life isn't fair, you can be upset about your own situation whilst feeling happy for others.

[cptartapp]

YABU and have lost all perspective. They're focused on themselves and their new baby, as they should be.
I hope things work out for you.

[QuestionOf]

Although you are obviously devastated I echo most other people’s comments that they really haven’t done anything wrong. They must have been having their own issues to be going through IVF too.

[willithappen]

Oh OP I'm sorry but you are the one being unreasonable here

It sounds like they did everything they could to respect your wishes and you accidentally found out. I know it's hard dealing with infertility (been through IVF myself) and you can be upset by others but I believe in a situation like this that sensitivity needs given to your SIL and BIL also

[Chchchanger]

If this isn't a reverse?
You've made things very difficult for them unfortunately. They had to abide by your rules regarding how they told you, they weren't allowed to talk about it, you're expecting them to amend their baby shower, your bil can't even talk to his brother without you claiming he's insensitive

With the best will in the world, and I'm hugely sorry you had such an awful time, you are ruining another couples pregnancy.
They're also doing IVF so what if they've had loss and struggles? Would you not have celebrated or had baby shower etc if you'd got pregnant first?

[User5252727]

I am genuinely sorry for your loss - it must have been devastating, and I understand you must be hurting.

I do think you have been hugely unreasonable in respect of your BIL and SIL's situation. It sounds like they have tried to balance their own very natural excitement about their baby (and since they also went through IVF, this must feel like a miracle baby for them) with being sensitive towards you. You can't possibly expect them not to invite people to a baby shower in case it upsets you. And they way you tried to preemptively control their behaviour when they were also going through fertility treatment was very cruel.

I'm sure your feelings are coming from a place of hurt because you have experienced a loss and that is very traumatic. But I think it is you who is in the wrong in this situation, and I think you should try to make amends with your family.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

I’m sorry for the tough time you’ve had OP.
Your SIL and BIL haven’t done anything wrong.

[Boombastic22]

YABVU. You sound very self absorbed, sadly a lot of people have issues conceiving that doesn’t mean that you need to be treated as super special. Your poor BIL and SIL!

[VitalsStable]

I feel sorry for you BIL and SIL, you've probably put a huge dark cloud over what for them would be a much longer for IVF pregnancy, you've made something which should have been a wonderful experience for them all about you.

How far was their sensitivity supposed to extend in terms of not celebrating their pregnancy in case it effected you?

[ABCeasyasdohrayme]

I hope this isn't a reverse, it's genuinely sick and twisted if it is.

[gettingolderandgrumpy]

Sorry op you are being terribly unreasonable you are literally pissed off because they are expecting a baby and I completely understand why your upset . You are not fragile and anybody should not treat you so if someone else is having a baby .
Your pissed off they didn’t tell you , your pissed of because of the baby shower even though you say you won’t go . I really don’t know what you want them to say and do ?.
Op be happy for them and if you can’t do that then stay away but do not make out they are unreasonable as I don’t understand what they’ve done except dare to get pregnant before you .

[googlegoode]

I think you are being very unreasonable

[cherrytreecottage]

@Antsgomarching

You don’t know what they have experienced either, they may have had losses they haven’t told anyone about, this may have been a very long journey for them too. I’m sorry for your loss but you really cannot expect people to dampen their own happiness for you.

Exactly this!

[Winniemarysarah]

You are being so unreasonable it’s unreal. Is this a reverse? She’s literally done everything you’ve asked her to do. She’s completely denied the existence of her own baby to you, and that still isn’t good enough. You want the rest of the world and the entire family to ostracise her pregnancy? In the nicest possible way, I think you need help op

[EsmeraldaFudge]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficulty you have had with trying to get pregnant but you do sound really unreasonable.

[tallduckandhandsome]

I would say a reverse, even though it’s very detailed for a reverse.

So sorry about the baby loss

[Aprilx]

YABVVU. And you have been since right at the start of this.

I say this as a 51 year old who is childless not through choice. I know what it is to have everyone else around starting their families. You cannot expect everyone to hide it and not be excited about it. It sounds like they have tried to be sensitive and I can’t see that they have done anything wrong or even insensitive. Your SIL probably made a fair point about feeling sad that none of her DHs family are allowed to show interest.

I maybe reconciled to my child situation better than some will, but I still didn’t actively choose it and I sometimes feel sad. But I always smiled at other people’s baby news and would have hated anyone to be on eggshells around me. I think you should consider whether you can paste on a smile even just for show and hopefully your day will be here soon.

[googlegoode]

This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

If that's how she wanted to celebrate it then I don't see the issue. I'm not sure why the inclusion of men made it more insensitive.

Obviously it's heartbreaking to experience any loss & difficult to go through IVF so you have my sympathy.

[Pursefirst]

YABVU OP (although I suspect that this is a reverse)

[LifeIsHardAlways]

Wow, you’re being so unreasonable I can’t even find the words. Your poor SIL and BIL sound like they’ve tried to be sensitive but can’t do right for doing wrong. It’s not all about you, they’ve obviously had their own struggles and should be allowed to celebrate and enjoy this pregnancy without you cutting them off over it

[Beautiful3]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I do think that you've been extremely unreasonable. You've told them that if they get pregnant, you need space from them. Wow that's so rude. They did what you asked and you're still upset. You're making their baby news, about you instead. I do feel sorry for them because they're right, no-one on your side of the family is happy for them. They're too worried about what you both think.

[MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe]

I'm really sorry for what you've been through, it sounds awful.
But if they had to go down the IVF route themselves it sounds like they've also had some trouble.
You are being a bit unreasonable, they're allowed to be excited and men can go to baby showers and you can't dictate who can and can't go. I'm sorry though OP