AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

[Chloemol]

YABU. Whilst it’s devastating for you for others life will continue. Why should they put their life and excitement about the baby on hold for you?

She did as asked and didn’t rub it in your face with the baby shower, you don’t like that, they told people ahead of you, you don’t like that, you guessed she might be, didn’t have the courage to ask though, you didn’t like that. Your poor sister in law is getting no excitement from her partners family, no doubt because of you , and you think that’s acceptable

Ok you are upset still over your loss, but you are making everything about you, and that’s wrong. Your sil and bil deserve happiness from both sides, which they are not getting. If you can’t be happy for them then fine, but don’t start feeling sorry for yourself and saying they are being unreasonable in being happy

I can guarantee that your sil will remember this pregnancy, which should be a happy time, as an unhappy one because of your behaviour

[cinderhella]

You’re being unreasonable. What do you want them to do? They e tried to be sensitive towards your heartaches and from the sounds of it you haven’t even tried to meet them in the middle or even really congratulated them on their joys. I’m very sorry for your troubles and you feel how you feel, but the expectations you’re placing on this couple no matter what they try to do are out of order.

[user1471457751]

You found out about the pregnancy through snooping or eavesdropping, didn't you?That's why you won't say how you found out but blame their 'carelessness'

[Didiusfalco]

I’ve had some similar experiences to you and all I can say is that at the point I was experiencing bitterness towards other people such as you describe my mental health was very poor. Please try and get some help. It is all-consuming and awful.

[ShortColdandGrey]

You are being very unreasonable. I understand you have been through a horrible time. It is hard when others are pregnant and you have lost a baby, but expecting them not to celebrate their good news, going in the huff because you accidentally found out early she was pregnant. Are you expecting them to walk on eggshells around you once the baby is born? Is seing your new niece/nephew going to be too upsetting for you?

[namechange30455]

@user1471457751

You found out about the pregnancy through snooping or eavesdropping, didn't you?That's why you won't say how you found out but blame their 'carelessness'

I was assuming this as well.

My friend's MIL "found out by accident" that she was pregnant because she wandered uninvited into her bedroom and saw a pregnancy book on the bedside table. I bet it's something like that...

[Sciurus83]

Oh wow. This seems like a reverse. But if it isn't, with great kindness, you need some professional support

[AuntMargo]

Sorry for you lose and it must have been heartbreaking losing your baby, ..... but you are being extremely unreasonable. They have a right to celebrate their pregnancy and others should be excited for them. You need to stop making there pregnancy about you, and let them and others enjoy.

[Bluewater1]

This seems like a reverse. But if it's not then I'm really sorry about your loss and your very difficult journey. But yes I think YABU

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I don’t see how they could have done anything differently. Baby making isn’t straight forward for a lot of people.

You say you knew they were going to do ivf but you didn’t even ask when it might be happening. Did you ask them anything about it at all? They must have had their own struggles and you appear to give that no consideration at all.

I didn’t have a baby shower but I’ve been to a couple which were mixed sex, that’s not weird or inappropriate or insensitive.

Be honest with yourself, what could they have done which wouldn’t have got your back up other than not conceived before you?

I had 5 miscarriages and plenty of couples I know had babies during that time, including my ex husband which was a special treat. It’s not a zero sum game, their baby doesn’t make it less likely you’ll get yours. They’re allowed to be happy and celebrate. As I’m sure you will when it’s you who’s pregnant.

[Bananarama21]

You've been massively unfair to this couple what happens when the baby is actually here are they not allowed to have birthdays christenings with the wider family.

[Busybee5000]

I’ve been in a similar position to this and it truly was the worst time. I was the one with the baby and for many years it was an impossible time for our family, as my SIL wouldn’t be around any of us. Nature happened and was cruel, we didn’t choose the situation.

Please try to be kind to your SIL and BIL even though it’s an awful time for you. Imagine the other way round, you can’t truly say that things would be different. Your SIL can’t do right for doing wrong.

[gamerchick]

You dictated to them before they were pregnant that you would be weird about it if they got there before you.

You put them in a lose lose situation and now it's a self fulfilling thing

Yes you're being unreasonable. I'm sorry you had a loss but you can't go on like this.

[shinydiamonds]

I think YABVU. And I say that as someone who has been ttc for 3.5 years and whose SILS have had 3 babies between them in that time.
They are allowed to be excited about their babies, just because I can't have one it's not their fault and I wouldn't expect everyone to tiptoe around me.

I'm very very sorry for your heartbreaking loss, I really am, I can't imagine how you must be feeling but you need to accept that other people can't live their lives dictated by how you might feel.

[FestiveMayo]

I'm not going to add anything as I don't think it will help you right now. But I am sorry for your loss

[Skyll]

I am sorry for your loss.

But yabu

[Howshouldibehave]

I think you need to discuss some of these extreme and irrational feelings with a professional-either your GP, psychiatrist or a counsellor.

[DontBeCatty]

Reverse?

[Heatherjayne1972]

I’m very sorry for your loss

My sister had multiple miscarriages and difficulty conceiving It was truly heartbreaking for her and her husband
And then it appeared that I got pregnant at the drop of a hat ( I didn’t- it was more than a year of trying) She found that very difficult- understandably

But
It’s really really difficult for everyone else to know what to say or not say
Other people don’t know what you’ll be bothered by and what you won’t

And your sil does have the right to be excited about her pregnancy

[CallmeHendricks]

I don't see why it's an issue for men to attend this baby shower? Why does that make it even more hurtful for you?

[Hercisback]

Wow.

You have no idea what they have been through. All that shines through is your thoughts and opinions on their life. You found out by accident and blamed SIL and BIL. They didn't set out to upset you.

I hope this is a reverse because no one is this selfish surely.

[Aria2015]

I feel bad for you because I can feel your hurt and I know you're not getting the replies you probably wanted. I've suffered multiple losses and I know how heartbreaking it is and how all consuming trying to have a baby can be. I'm generally a very laid back person who takes joy in seeing those I love find joy, but when I was struggling with my losses I was crippled by jealousy and sadness at other peoples baby news. I would also get 'offended' and if a friend I'd been confiding in about my losses with posted photos of their children on FB soon after seeing me. I look back and I don't recognise the person I was in those dark days. I feel like you may look back on these 'issues' with your sil and bil and feel the same one day.

I'll be honest. When I finally had my own baby all the jealousy melted away and I was back to being happy for everyone and talking all things 'baby'. Hopefully that will be the case for you too, just make sure you haven't burnt any bridges in the meantime...

[Tenfifteen]

I agree with those saying it may be time to seek some support professionally. That’s why I don’t think this is an AIBU as such. You SIL/BIL appear to have behaved very sensitively and they will themselves likely have their own sorrows if the required IVF. It’s distorted thinking and grief driving your feelings. You’ll need people around you as you recover so don’t inadvertently break relationships in case they are never fixed.

[Shoxfordian]

It’s not all about you
Yabu

[anon12345678901]

YABU, you're making this all about your losses rather than her pregnancy. They have a right to be happy about the baby, you have no idea what they may have gone through. Your losses are awful and devastating, but she deserves to celebrate her baby. You've been pretty selfish with your behaviour.