AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

YABU!
I'm very sorry for your loss your journey but its so wrong to project this.
They have also been down the ivf route so would have their own journey.
To deny them the joy of their precious baby news mist have hit them so hard.
It would seem they tried to approach sensitively but I think no matter how they handled it you would not have accepted. Its a real shame as that little child is your niece/nephew

Oh OP, I am sorry for your losses but YABU.

I understand how hard it is to deal with pregnancies when going through fertility problems (took us 7 years and multiple treatments to conceive) but you can't preempt other people's pregnancies and tell them how they should behave.

I would be interested in the "carelessness" you refer to when finding out about their pregnancy. Was it that they just didn't do what you thought they should do?

And you can't tell them you want distance and then be cross because they don't contact you.

Your SIL is having a baby. As harsh as it may sound, her having a baby does not change anything about your fertility journey. When I used to get upset about a pregnancy announcement, my DH would say to me "we don't want their baby, we want our own. Being sad won't increase our chances of having a baby". He was right.

You really don't want to be the person that ruins this time for her and your DH's family and leave a lingering bad feeling.

I’m going against all the other posters but I think your SIL has been slightly insensitive - maybe due to the relief of getting pregnant through ivf and maybe because this is just a very difficult situation.
This has probably been a tough time for your sil / bil too going through ivf, but I think they should have reached out to you and had a conversation with you once they found out they were having a child, acknowledging that this would be painful for you but giving you the opportunity to get through the pain and be happy for them. I think the finding out “by accident” hasn’t allowed you to acknowledge completely understandable feelings of sadness at your own loss at the same time as happiness to have a dn.
The baby shower sounds similarly insensitive, if they have invited everyone except you. Would be better to talk with you than exclude you in case you are upset.

I could feel the pain in every word of your post OP and I'm so sorry for you - but your grief is burning as a huge ball of rage and sadness right now that wants everything and everyone else to burn with you to ease your pain. There is literally not one thing you BIL or SIL could do "right" in your mind in this situation, other than not have a baby. They have not done anything wrong, but your reaction isn't actually about them or their behaviour - it's actually about the pain you yourself are feeling, and you can't see the wood for the trees right now. I really hope you get some counselling and therapy to deal with your grief, and I hope you can modify your behaviour until you're more at peace so you don't entirely burn your bridges with your husband's family, who have done nothing wrong.

I hope you find peace, and the baby you crave comes along.

YABU. Sorry you're having a hard time though.

Sorry op I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong either

Op, I’ve been you. I can feel all those feelings of anger, jealously, resentment and devastation at hearing other women becoming pregnant coming through your post and remember them well.
The thing is I was very very unwell mentally. It effected all areas of my life. I was incredibly difficult to live with and be friends with because I was incredibly selfish. I couldn’t see it all I felt I was being perfectly normal and everyone else was awful!

Do you have access to pre IVF counselling? I had a really good counsellor as part of my journey and it was the I realised how bad it was. My (now ex)DH was able to be honest with me and I got the help I needed before committing to the next cycle of IVF. I strongly recommend getting help - you will be irreversibly damaging relationships if you don’t and if/when you get your baby you will sincere regret it.

I've been there with IVF as well as the losses sadly but I have to say you are coming across bit precious about how you found out, their baby shower ... I wonder how sensitive you would have been if you were pregnant first?

YABVU. You are making their situation all about you which is very unfair. You're not thinking straight. Maybe get some counselling.

I'm very sorry for your circumstances, having had a late termination and a child die at 2, although it might pang that family members were having successful pregnancies, maybe you should celebrate them.

Sorry OP. I’ve had several miscarriages (though all first trimester) and I can see you are still grieving and hurting. That isn’t your in laws fault though and I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.

It sounds like there was quite a gap between you finding out and their pregnancy announcement, so either you found out quite early (in which case no wonder they didn’t tell you straight away, they were probably terrified it wouldn’t work out given it was IVF and they’ve likely struggled and/or had previous losses) OR they waited a long time to formally announce it, again likely because they were anxious about it, and possibly also to spare your feelings.

It’s not surprising that she’d confide in her own family that she’s in the early stages of pregnancy but not tell you about it. The speaker phone thing was her maintaining her own privacy and probably protecting you too.

After presumably struggling to conceive I’m sure they wanted to celebrate. You can invite whoever you want to a baby shower. It wasn’t done to spite you and even if it had been female only you wouldn’t have gone so I don’t see what your problem is there.

I think you need to take a step back and try to feel happy for them. When your own baby is here you might find you have a different perspective on this.

I can’t see anything that they have done that’s insensitive. I’m curious, if your IVF had been successful and not theirs, how would you have handled the situation to be sensitive to them?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through though and hope you get your baby. If and when you do you will want family around you, don’t alienate them now.

I’m sorry for what you have been through but to put it bluntly not everything is all about you, and you made it all about you as soon as you found out your poor SIL was going to start IVF, without a single thought as to what she may have suffered before making that decision. Stop putting stress on her and blaming her for everything. If you found out your SIL was pregnant before she announced it that’s not her fault. If she chooses to have men at her baby shower that’s up to her. She also has a right to feel miffed that family aren’t showing excitement (probably because you’ve disallowed it) about her pregnancy. I think you’re being very selfish but wish you luck with the IVF.

You are being very unreasonable. I understand that you are upset at what happened to you, and that is fully understandable and I sympathise, but that does not mean that other people can not be pleased or announce their own news. To take away your SILs joy would be cruel and selfish.

If you had been the one to be pregnant would you have made sure to hide yourself away, not be seen, not mention your baby and not have a shower?? (Which we don't have here in the UK but I get the idea)

I'm in the exact same situation. My in laws had a baby same gender as mine a week after my due date.

I'm still in the first year. I havent met the child and have no intention of doing so until I know my mental health can take it. I dont attend anything they do because nobody really knows what to say or do with me and to be honest I know I will bawl my eyes out. Until I am confident I won't, I won't be around them because as my dh points out our grief has nothing to do with them. Their child being born had absolutely nothing to do with our child dying. Also their child deserves the space in my dh family to grow up with the same love and attention as the other grandchildren and not in my child's shadow.

Having said all that logically I know this but emotionally I'm not there yet. I see my priority at the moment my mental health and relationships and keeping as well as I can for those. My inlaws life isn't impacted by me stepping out of theirs but my 100% will be by putting myself into the middle of family situations at the moment.

The anger, rage and jealously is pouring off your post and that is what it boils down to. They have what you and your dh desperately want. Have you had counselling? I found it has helped but its a process you have to move through and I try every day to choose not to feel like that or when I do to acknowledge it and then let it go. I dont want my child's passing to end up turning into a bitterness that stays with us forever. It's the complete opposite of the love we feel for them.

Your bil and sil have been as sensitive as they possibly can in horrible circumstances.

So sorry to hear about your losses op. I completely understand what you are going through, I had similar with my best friend.

I think you are being slightly unreasonable though. Your sil and bil have abided by your wishes and kept the pregnancy low key as you asked them to. They've held off telling you (it's not their fault you found out), they also didn't invite you to the baby shower, I'm sure you'd have felt bad if they had - so they really are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

You need to do what's right for you, and if that's distancing yourself from them, then so be it, but also try and remember they've been through a rough ride, IVF isn't easy and they must have had lots of disappointment themselves to get to this point, so they have every right to celebrate and enjoy their pregnancy and baby. I know you are only seeing things from your own perspective, but not everyone sees it as you do.

What you have been through is devastating and it is colouring your judgement with regards to your SIL and BIL’s pregnancy. They can’t do right for doing wrong.

Please consider getting professional support before you destroy your relationship with your in-laws forever. And please don’t stop your DH from seeing his new niece or nephew if he wishes to do so - that wouldn’t be kind, regardless of how you feel.

I suspect SIL and BIL are doing what they think you want to do and giving you space - no talking about it, no invitation to baby shower, just keeping quiet. That is probably what they thought you meant by stepping back - lots of people tend to be wary in the face of grief, lest they trigger something, so they avoid where they can (which can make it worse).

I think you probably need to accept that there is an element of transferring your pain and anger on to them. They have had a tough time trying to conceive via IVF too and they are probably trying to do their best, even if it feels clumsy to you.

YABU. You can have it every which way. You went directly to them to ask for sensitivity, then didn’t like it when they told other family privately before you. How were they supposed to know what to do?
Interesting that you went to them to ask for sensitivity, rather than to ask them to bear with you if you needed space.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your baby, and hope this current IVF works for you.

You need to not take out your hurt and anger at the difficult hand you’ve been given on them, though.

@Maybe83 I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is so lovely and sensitive and I hope you find peace. I hope the OP reads it for her own sake.

Its sounds like yabu . You need to stop focussing on them and focus on you instead. Your bil and sil sound very understanding and thoughtful. Yes it will be hard for you but you cant make everyone else be miserable because you are.
Plus: they needed ivf. That wouldnt have been easy
Have some heart for others.
And babyshowers with women and men are the best. Isnt it about celebrating a new life. Why would that be for just women. Not all baby showers involve rediculous games etc. Some involve some good food and drinks and people wishing other people well

Yabvvu
Sorry for your losses, however sil has also clearly struggled through the IVF process and has every right to celebrate her pregnancy. Her own happy news shouldn’t be over shadowed by your unreasonable requests

YABU.

In fact I think you’re the one who I’d being insensitive. Nowhere in your post do you express any feeling or understanding or empathy for your SiL and BiL.

You really need to seek some help to grieve over this but it isn't fair to expect your SIL and BIL to not be happy. I was pregnant and due same time as SIL but we had a missed miscarriage. Whilst at first I found it hard, and I am going to at key trigger points and be reminded when their baby arrives that mine should have done, I know i can't hold strong feelings against them. It's not their fault you had to lose your baby remember that. I really hope you can find some help and then celebrate your new niece or nephew.