AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

[Waddayathink]

Yabu. I’m sorry for all you’ve been through but that doesn’t mean other people do not deserve happiness.

[Quartz2208]

OP I am so sorry for your loss

But I get the sense there isnt really anyway they could have handled this that would I think not make you feel like this. Because they have tried but at the same time they clearly have had struggles in conceiving and want to celebrate as well.

The timing is just awful

[MichelleScarn]

What's your complaint about them,
-The baby shower isn't just for women
-They haven't talked about the pregnancy in front of you with their family
-Sil hasn't contacted you to acknowledge her being pregnant is hard for you
-shes upset that your side of family aren't excited about her pregnancy because of your losses (is this true?)
I say this with absolute kindness and acknowledgement of baby loss after a miscarriage this year, everything about this is just so sad, but you are being dreadfully unfair here.

[44PumpLane]

Your SILs pregnancy is nothing to do with you. As long as she's not shoving it in your face, which it sounds like she's absolutely not doing, then honestly why shouldn't she be excited, why shouldn't she want her in laws to also celebrate their longed for and amazing news.

You're going through a tough time but the world doesn't stop for you or revolve around you I'm afraid.

I hope you can start to feel better soon.

[Starcaller]

Sorry but I agree with PPs. They don't seem to have done anything overtly horrible or insensitive.

'but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.'

I don't understand this. Why is having a party to celebrate their news sensitive? Why is having both men and women there awful? I would have no interest in a baby shower with all women, but a party with my family? Sure.

Look, horrible as it feels. your baby is not their baby. Your loss is not their loss. Of course they should be sensitive, but I can't see anywhere where they haven't been? Of course they are excited and want to celebrate, and it doesn't seem like it's been in-your-face or blatant in any way. In fact it sounds like they've made an effort not to bring it up in front of you.

[Wowwe]

Wow this must be a joke?
You sound like you have been a complete nightmare to your poor bil and sil.

Yes you have been through a lot but there’s no need to treat them they way that you have.
I can’t believe your dh has allowed you to cause this between him and his poor brother.

If I were them I’d be keeping my distance from you for good.

[setera]

If you got pregnant first, would you be hiding it? Tiptoeing around everyone? I highly doubt it.

And I say that as someone who literally gave birth to a 22 weeker having to watch him slowly die. Then the next day, my brother can't contain his excitement to tell me they are pregnant and expecting a boy! The very fucking next day.

You will have your time, don't sweat about this stuff, honestly you will drive yourself insane x

[sleepymidwife]

YANBU.

You are not not the centre of the universe and have no idea what they have been through in their own fertility journey. She is very excited she is pregnant. Are you saying she shouldn't have a baby shower? Why should she miss out? Or that they can't want their families to feel joy and happiness for them?

I am so sorry for your losses, truly. But your expectations of them are way out of line.

[Dishwashersaurous]

They have done everything right and been really sensitive to your feelings.

[VividGemini]

This has to be a reverse

[Antsgomarching]

You don’t know what they have experienced either, they may have had losses they haven’t told anyone about, this may have been a very long journey for them too. I’m sorry for your loss but you really cannot expect people to dampen their own happiness for you.

[mybroomstick]

@CampagVelocet

By the way, I do take issue with you saying that their 'carelessness' allowed you to find out about the pregnancy and that this was 'insensitive'. That isn't a nice way to view things; it isn't about you.

Sorry op, but I agree with this.

I'm very sorry for your losses, but it doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong. You say their carelessness caused you to find out, and you seem angry that SIL took a call off speaker phone.

It sounds like they were respecting your wishes, and didn't mean for you to find out.

You can't silence everyone else and stop any celebration for them within their family.

You seem like you're clutching at straws with the baby shower thing - why is it worse that men arrested, and it included everyone but you?

Did you expect them to not have a baby shower, and not discuss it or celebrate it within the family? It sounds like they've been as respectful of you as they can.

It sounds like you're punishing them for being lucky with their IVF. It's very sad that you've not been successful, but it's not their fault that they have been, and it sounds like they had similar struggles to get pregnant.

Unfortunately you can't make the world stop turning for everyone else.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

I’m sorry for your pregnancy losses OP.

While I understand your feelings, you’re being incredibly unfair to your BIL and SIL, they’ve done everything you asked of them and sadly they just want to experience their pregnancy, the way they want to, after going through IVF themselves.

You can’t dictate how they celebrate.

JFI, all our baby showers are family events not just for the female side of the family.

[PenelopeVonDelius]

I'm so sorry about your losses op.

I don't think the other couple have done anything wrong though. But you feel how you feel and it's totally understandable. Maybe a bit of distance is a good idea.

[wombatspoopcubes]

You said you needed space and now you're mad that you weren't invited to the baby shower?

You could also make the choice to swallow the hurt and celebrate and love the children that are born to your family members. There is a chance that that is the closest you'll ever come to your dream. If you won't become a parent you might want to be a favourite auntie. And if you do conceive then you might want your DC to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. Stop fucking that up.

[Rrrob]

Ok I can totally understand where you’re coming from and I can feel the pain in your post.
When dd1 died I felt the same. Pregnancy was extremely triggering for me and whilst I didn’t necessarily tell people if they got pregnant I would need space, that’s what happened. I would also have been hurt by the baby shower situation. I secretly hated pregnant people in the street and guessing if friends were pregnant gave me anxiety.

However.

The fact they needed ivf says this wasn’t a straightforward journey for them either. Not inviting you to the baby shower was to protect you and probably what they thought you’d want after you’ve been avoiding them.

I say this gently, but have you had any therapy following your loss? Think about how you do want them to behave now if you were to repair things. I’ve made up with everyone I blocked out in that time of my life because I am in a better place, but it takes time.

[mybroomstick]

@VividGemini

This has to be a reverse

I think you may be right.

[HopeYourHighHorseBucks]

You told someone who was also going through IVF how they should handle it if they got pregnant? YABU. Chances are you are over thinking everything and taking everything as a direct insult to you. I understand the need for sensitivity but there has to be a middle ground.


I do understand your pain though and I am sorry you and DH are having to go through this.

[girafferafferaffe]

Sorry op but I think you're being unreasonable. It sounds like they've tried to keep you out of it as per your request. It sounds like they can't do anything right and that must be horrible for them.

[Bellyups]

Have you ever stopped to wonder why they had IVF?

I can’t see a single thing they have done wrong.

I’m sorry for your loss OP, but you are being VERY unreasonable. I’d seek counselling or similar, before you irrevocably damage your relationship with all your in laws.

[Lux523]

This cannot be legitimate, real humans do not behave like this, right!?

Hands down one of THE most unreasonable threads I've read on here and I've read some bat crazy shit!!!!

[Howshouldibehave]

You sound like you have been incredibly hard work for this poor couple who themselves have gone through IVF. I don’t think they were careless at all!

I feel rather sorry for them.

[fourandnomore]

Nothing more to add to every other poster before me. Agree with them. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but clearly they have had their own difficult journey too, I’m afraid you’re being unreasonable.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

They haven't done anything wrong

[Kite22]

I too am sorry for your loss, it must have been heartbreaking, but I have to agree with all the comments on here.
I think the first one sums it up really, and I also think your 'approaching them' was a bit strange. The fact they were having to have IVF themselves clearly means that they have had difficulties too. Sadly many, many people do. Many people suffer with miscarriages, and many have multiple miscarriages. Many couples can't have children naturally. That is sad, but it does not mean they can stop people around them being excited about their pregnancy and- when the time come s - their baby.