AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

Why did SIL & BIL want to pay for private IVF ??
OP seems to be saying they would have had no reason to get IVF on NHS. So they must have paid £££££. Why did they do that? They don't like sex? They wanted a low chance of successful conception? They hoped to generate lots of embryos to implant over many years to come?

In general, we should be happy about other people's happy events.
Fine to feel Indifferent if you really don't like the other people, I suppose.
Their pregnancy success didn't cause and won't change OP's difficult experiences.

I honestly thought this had to be a reverse.
I don't think I can understand jealousy & envy at all.

I'm sorry for your loss and you struggles to conceive.

It seems like you in laws are trying to be very respectful of your situation. It really does even if you don't see it that way.

From your posts, maybe try re-reading them all together and you may see where I'm coming, this is at an all consuming unhealthy level for you. It's completely understandable but it's not healthy and must be really difficult. Counselling could real both in terms of your own situation and how you deal with the pregnancies of those around you.

Good luck on your journey.

YABVU they are allowed to be happy and celebrate their good news. The world doesn’t revolve around you and they have every right to involve their family in life and celebrations.

So sorry for all you've been through OP it must be so painful. I won't harp on about being unreasonable as others have said that in droves but you will get your time with your first baby, it will come and you'll have all of those wonderful experiences, so be strong whilst you're waiting. I tell my children all the time how they kept me waiting years for them to come, when they ask me about my pregnancies that didn't work out I told them that they weren't ready to come yet but you came when it was the right time.
Good luck, be kind to yourself and your friends and family who are also probably suffering in their family journeys

Hi Ivy
I am genuinely sorry for what you have gone through but maybe through no fault of your own you are making this all about you and also making a further victim of yourself. You cannot control anyone or any circumstances outside of your own. Let her go. Let her have a baby. None of your business. Detach if it is painful or if close to sil love the baby and l really do hope that some day your day of happiness will come too.
From harsh experience in my own life and after many painful lessons l realised that there are millions of variables to life that we have no control over. No control. Just let stuff go if you can. Easier on yourself and others too. Sil cannot tip toe around you or me or anyone. She has to get on with her own life. Harsh words to swallow but life altering valuable lessons.
Take care.

It's a very difficult situation, and I do understand that it affects you. They should have handled the situation better, but not everyone knows how to do it correctly. Maybe they thought that this was the best way?

But I am with you, it would bother me too and I would find it hard (and painful) to rise above the situation.

Is this a reverse?

Honestly it sounds like you are making everything about you and not letting them be excited about their pregnancy. Having gone through IVF themselves you should be celebrating with them (even though it's hard on you, it's family and you need to be happy with them).

I've been watching this thread since it was originally posted.
I am so sorry for your loss OP, it must be incredibly difficult and you need some councilling to come to terms with everything.
I am your SIL in this situation, I had a baby and when my baby was 3 months old my SIL (brothers wife) lost their baby at 22 weeks I was made to feel awful because their baby had died and mine had lived. The relationship broke down, she wouldn't see us, I was made to feel as I wasn't allowed to celebrate any milestones in child's life. It's been 5 years and they have gone on to have more children but the damage is done. The relationship with my brother has never been the same. They always compare my son to the child they lost, it's fucking hard! As hard as it is these are your feelings to sort out, do not punish them for something you want. Be kind to yourself and each other.