AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

@ThePoisonousMushroom oh ok thankyou for your reply back I’ve just never known anyone to do that, I think it’s because a lot of time the majority only find out something is up when trying naturally

I'm not sure what you wanted them to do (other than not getting pregnant).

@Hopefullywaiting01234 that’s awful she doesn’t sound like a nice person at all! Even if I didn’t go through infertility and ivf and I knew someone who was struggling I would never do that I don’t understand people like that at all.

YABVU for all the reasons everyone has mentioned but also because your BIL & SIL also had to undergo IVF, which seems to have escaped you? Unless I've read that wrong. It can't have been easy for them going through IVF and their pregnancy being in the shadow of your loss.

I do understand however that this has been difficult and emotional for you and can only assume your grief means that you're not thinking straight.

Well done op for taking a lot of what's been said on board. So many posters ask aibu and, after asking, just won't accept the views if it's not what they wanted to hear. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. You and DH have been through an awful time and you must both he struggling through a black cloud of grief.
It's so hard when another family member gets pregnant in these circumstances and it is hard for the other couple too. They must keep some of their own excitement and it will be hard for them to get everything right. Take care op and try not to let things become long term issues with your dbil and sil. 💐

You're being v v unreasonable. They wouldn't have undergone IVF if they could conceive naturally. They obviously have their own problems that they have dealt with, so for them to then get pregnant and have a baby will have been amazing to them.

I'm sorry for your loss and do understand how you feel (I had a 20 week loss, followed by a ruptured ectopic and another miscarriage after 8 years of trying) and absolutely understand how devastated you are. However, it sounds like you've made everything about you and they cannot seem to do right for doing wrong. It sounds like they've tried to be sensitive, but you haven't reciprocated. If I were you're SIL I'd be pretty upset at my experience of motherhood being tainted by trying to keep everything secret purely to accommodate your feelings at the expense of others.

I genuinely don't meant to be harsh and know how wrapped up / all consuming loss and fertility treatment is but you do need to take a step back and look at this. They've not done any of this to spite you, but equally they can't hide baby away or pretend it doesn't exist or not celebrate it because of you.

You've been hugely unreasonable, but that's the reality of infertility. It messes with your head. I would strongly advise seeking therapy.

I feel abit sorry for your SIL to be honest she's also needed IVF and instead of guiding her through a difficult process and supporting each other you've kind of chastised her for having a baby before you.
It's not wrong for her to want to enjoy her pregnancy and you said you'd want space if she got pregnant she's given you that.
I understand what you've gone through because of my own fertility problems but the way your going about it is by making them feel bad and that's just not fair.

Hi op , sorry for your loss. It’s nice to see you have taken comments on board . I too think yabu, they have done everything they can to be sensitive towards you . I think you would benefit from counselling , until your over your loss you will find all aspects of there baby uncomfortable, christening , first birthday, Christmas etc. hopefully you can come to terms with your loss and move forward to enjoy being an aunt and hopefully in time a mom

My SIL struggled to conceive, so when my surprise pregnancy came about, she was very cold.

It's affected her relationship with her niece to the point my dd has nothing to do with her and my ds is not keen on being round his aunt. Both enjoy being round their cousins and uncle though.

It's caused a massive rift in the family and we're over 20 years down the line.

I was very poorly in my pregnancy. Pre eclampsia ended my pregnancy early and apparently I was attention seeking.

OP, very sorry for your loss. I myself have had miscarriages. I can empathise with you. However, In the nicest possible way, OP - everyone’s life is not about you. If you stop to think for a moment, there is a reason your SIL/BIL went for IVF. You don’t know their own story. You don’t know their own trials and tribulations. Even if they didn’t have any, their entitied to get pregnant, have a baby shower, announce their pregnancy, announce the birth of their child and to rejoice in that. You deal with your issues and allow other people their lives. You’ll be far happier when you can do this. Grief counselling might be a good idea as you will come up against many people having babies. They cannot all tiptoe by you and dance to the tune you decide.

Firstly, I’m sorry you went through what you did, losing your pregnancy in such a heartbreaking way.

However, nevertheless I do still have to say YABU, though your reaction is completely understandable. I say this as someone who never managed to have a baby after TTC and had one IVF cycle, which revealed that I was infertile. (Though I didn’t have to go through a pregnancy loss.) My DH and I adopted our DDs, now 12 and 9.

Your BIL and SIL have clearly had their own painful journey, leading to them having IVF themselves, and it’s extremely unfair to expect them not to celebrate their pregnancy with their family.

I do get that it’s hard, though, and rubs salt in the wounds when someone close to you gets pregnant. I’ve been there, too. My SIL got pregnant three times during my infertility struggles, she ended up with five! She also told me we shouldn’t have IVF because of the spare embryos!

Then my DSis got pregnant, though by then therapy had helped me come to terms with never getting pregnant and I could be happy for her. I was then ready to apply to adopt.

So I really do recommend therapy for you, too. It can really help.

YABVVU

you found out accidentally.
This is coming from someone (myself) who have had losses and IVF.
What you have been through is awful and heartbreaking. There's no denying that.
But your SIL hasn't been thoughtless and insensitive at all. You cannot dictate how they announce their pregnancy at all! I think it's pretty rude to be honest!

They've gone through IVF too, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and they messaged you in case you got pregnant before them?

I mean this kindly, but you're being really really unfair.

Well, I asked for perspective and that's certainly what I've got! I do feel this has given me some good food for thought.

I don't want this situation to become irreparable and I will give some serious thought as to how I address this before it's too late, while still keeping my distance while we're undergoing fertility treatment (something I feel I have to do for my own sanity).

I know I'm probably coming across as hard work and selfish, and in this situation I probably have been to some degree. I'm not normally this high maintenance and was a pretty happy go lucky person until we had our loss last year and a failed IVF cycle this year. I think I've found the emotional toll of IVF and pregnancy announcements much harder than I would have following that event, and I agree this has skewed my thinking somewhat.

I of course have considered my DH in this. I do worry how this is affecting him. He has been very supportive about me keeping my distance from SIL and BIL, and he understands why I'd find seeing them right now difficult. I do think I could make this easier on him though. I don't want our relationship to become all about this terrible experience we're currently living through. I should add that I've not stopped DH from seeing or speaking to his DB and would never even dream of doing that.

BIL and SIL did go to IVF straight away. There are many reasons why people do IVF and there are situations where people either choose to do IVF without first trying naturally or they go to IVF straight away because there's no option of trying naturally. I do appreciate that IVF would have been tough on them, as it is for many people, but as fertility/ IVF journey's go theirs is probably one of the best you could hope for. I'm not trying to down play any struggles they had going through IVF, but we do know that they have no history of loss, no history of trying to conceive for a very long time and it worked on the first try. I know people often don't talk publicly about their struggles, but in this particular situation we do know the above to be the case.

Some of you have commented that I'm bitter that they got pregnant before us, and there is some truth in that. I don't know anyone going through fertility struggles who doesn't feel that sting, even if it's only a tiny amount. I'm willing to admit that's part of how I'm feeling right now. Yes it's ugly, but there's truth in it. I feel upset that things have been so awful for us, but seemingly so much easier for them. I feel sad that after having such negative experiences that we've been robbed of any joy we'd feel going through another pregnancy, because we'd worry the whole time that the same thing may happen all over again. That's quite obviously no one's fault and I'm not expecting them to apologise for something that's completely out of their control. They can and should be happy and excited about their pregnancy, but they also shouldn't become so lost in that excitement that they aren't mindful of its affect on others around them, particularly close relatives. They have tried to do what they thought was best in what is a very difficult situation and it's probably impossible for them not to do or say something that'll offend me under the circumstances. They shouldn't stop living their lives and I'm sure they'll feel they're treading on eggshells and like whatever they do is wrong right now.

In relation to the phone call that my SIL answered from her family, this wasn't a call she needed to answer. I know some will probably say 'how do you know that?' or 'that's just your opinion', but she really didn't have to answer it right at that time. It wasn't at all urgent. Friends have said to me they just wouldn't have answered it and would have messaged to say they'd call back later (if of course it wasn't urgent). To me (and I'm sure many here will disagree), picking up the phone when you're in the presence of other people and then immediately and abruptly saying 'we're just with so and so right now' implies quite strongly that you don't want the person on the other end of the phone to say something they shouldn't in the presence of that company. It can come across as tactless and rude, even if it wasn't meant in that way. There are of course situations where this can't be avoided, but this was not one of them and it would have been best not to answer the call or at least not answer it with them on speaker phone so we couldn't hear and there wouldn't have been a need for my SIL to warn them she was with us.

Some of you have commented that I have may been running a script in my head and that everything that's happened has has neatly fitted into that script. I do think there's some truth in this. I think from the beginning I felt they wouldn't handle it as I hoped they would. The reason I felt this is firstly because this is a very emotionally charged situation and secondly because I (as well as others) have found them to be like this with other situations, which I've never taken them to task over (though others have). I think I need to get out of my own head with this one because it is becoming difficult not to attach meaning and intent to everything. That's not helping anyone in this situation. I do also need to find a way to deal with my own feelings of grief, loss and hopelessness. Right now I feel like we have no control over our future and I'm running high on fear this will never happen for us. Though that doesn't give me the right to take it out on or project those feeling onto others.

In relation to how I found out they were pregnant early, this was a mistake. I acknowledge it was a mistake and that people make mistakes all the time. However, coming over to your in laws house for something you want (this visit was prompted by them, not us) and leaving a very obvious thing behind showing they're pregnant was in my view a bit of a stupid mistake to make in light of what they knew was was a very delicate situation (hence why I referred to it as careless). Although I think that whatever way I found out it would have hurt just as much. There would've been no good way for me to get this news.

I will also say again that I know they've not gone out to upset me intentionally and they've tried to be sensitive. Perhaps I'm being too critical of them when they've tried their best. I just think there have been some situations which could've been handled better by everyone in this situation (myself included).

As an aside, when DH and I announced our first pregnancy (the pregnancy we lost) to friends and family, we didn't expect people to be that excited for us. I had friends who had experienced miscarriages, infertility and worse. I had an awareness that announcements could be difficult for women going through difficulties starting a family, so I didn't want to do anything that might make that more upsetting for them. Now, having gone through it ourselves, when and if it we do eventually have a baby, most likely we won't want to make too much of a big deal about it. We'll just be cautiously happy it's finally happening for us and that hopefully we'll end up with a healthy baby. I understand that SIL and BIL haven't had the experiences we've had and would want people to get excited for them, and just because DH and I would potentially approach things differently to them doesn't mean that either way is right or wrong.

You are unbelievably out of order. I’m sorry for your loss and your troubles but you cannot expect other people to stop loving their lives until you are pregnant. I know it’s hard (I’ve been where you are) but you are behaving terribly to people who quite honestly seem to be trying to be as sensitive as they can to you.

Ps your sister in law can answer her phone when she wants regardless of whether she “needed” to take the call or not.

It's good to see that you are accepting that you are being unreasonable but you say you don't want them to walk on eggshells then in your next sentence say relation to the phone call that my SIL answered from her family, this wasn't a call she needed to answer. I know some will probably say 'how do you know that?' or 'that's just your opinion', but she really didn't have to answer it right at that time. It wasn't at all urgent. Friends have said to me they just wouldn't have answered it and would have messaged to say they'd call back later (if of course it wasn't urgent).

How did you know this? The exact purpose of a family phone call, no-one knows exactly what any phone call is about till its answered, and the fact you seem to think you should be able to dictate when she can answer her phone is bonkers, especially a big discussion about it to your friends.

How have they become lost in their excitement? They've been respectful to you, you just don't like that she's pregnant first. She can answer any call she wants to, unless she's a mind reader how would she know what the call was about? You're trying to make her look thoughtless, when all that's coming across is that you're making it all about you and your feelings. I am sorry for your losses but they do not dictate others lives.

Despite your lengthy attempts to justify yourself, you are being extremely unreasonable. I have every sympathy for the pain of loss and infertility (been there, done that). But your BIL and SIL have done absolutely nothing wrong. You seem to expect them to orchestrate everything to suit you, up to and including the size and style of their baby shower. Surely you must see that you have become utterly self-absorbed. Again I do understand how this can happen, but your defensiveness indicates that you have no intention of even attempting to change the way you are behaving. If anyone is being insensitive in this situation, I’m afraid it’s you.

OP you're out of order.

You have absolutely no right to comment on their means of conceiving or whether SIL answers a phonecall, how they celebrate or how excited they are. You may think you know their whole story but you probably don't. They absolutely should not have to modify their behaviours around you. I'm sorry for your loss but you're being incredibly unfair. It's not all about you.

@chocolatepudandchocolatesauce

But why did they need IVF? Have you taken their feelings into consideration about what they may have been through? Most people don't just decide to try IvF without years of trying to conceive first or suffering something else significant to mean they cant conceive without help. Perhaps they aren't ready to tell you all about that.

Agree with this.

I understand it's a highly emotive topic for so many but people don't have IVF for nothing. Chances are they were finding it hard when you were pregnant too.

Both couples could be supporting each other in this situation given you both have understanding of how hard it can be, rather than having the hump with each other.

I should add that SIL and I have had IVF for similar reasons. Anyone who's been through IVF will know it's not the easiest thing to go through. It's even harder when you've experienced a loss. We were the unlucky ones in that our treatment ended in a very early loss and they were lucky that theirs did work. Of course no one is to blame for this. It's just the way things go sometimes. They shouldn't have to feel guilty because their treatment worked and ours didn't. But I'd expect someone who's gone through this themselves to be even more aware of why this is a difficult situation. Though I think it's been hard for them to know exactly how to approach things.

I do agree that given their experience they should have some understanding of how hard it is, but would equally say the same applies to you. If you had become pregnant before your SIL I'm sure that, while you'd want to be sensitive to your SIL and BIL, you'd also be delighted and want to celebrate your own miracle.

I think you just need to stop, take a breath, and consider how much they also will have longed for this pregnancy, and try to put yourself in their shoes a little bit.

YABVU OP, sorry but the whole phone conversation thing is absolutely bonkers. I am sorry for your loss/pain but thinking other people should only be allowed to take specific phone calls and have only specific baby showers so as not to offend you is absolutely bonkers. Your friends will tell you what you want to hear but the reality is you are making their pregnancy about your loss and it’s absolutely not okay.

How would you feel if you next get pregnant (which I hope for you) and people are telling you to keep it on the down low and not mention it/celebrate it too much as it might often someone? Wouldn’t you feel entitled to finally celebrate your positive news. Them having had an “easier time” (all is relative) at procreating doesn’t make their pregnancy less worth celebrating and being excited for.

You have made everyone tiptoe around you and all of them seem to have played the part and indulged you and not done anything that could purposefully be insensitive and yet you still think it’s not enough because in your head the only appropriate way to deal with it would ideally be for them to act as if she isn’t pregnant. Soon baby will be here and he deserves the same welcome your child would had had and the same one your (future) kid(s) will also deserve. Don’t make another baby live in the shadow of yours, it’s very unfair. And I say this as someone who also lost a pregnancy. Especially as I am sure you will love/want the support and attention/fuss from the extended family (including SIL) once you do get pregnant so robbing your SIL who has nothing to do with your loss from her ideal pregnancy is very unfair. You are (rightly) upset at the unfairness of your situation and that’s okay. Life hasn’t been fair to you on that front and it’s painful and it sucks, but don’t in turn become unfair toward your SIL, it won’t make you feel better and it won’t change your reality anyway. You don’t have to be supportive and excited for her but you also can’t be controlling and begrudge her for things that are outside her control (your feelings).

@lessthanathirdofanacre

Despite your lengthy attempts to justify yourself, you are being extremely unreasonable. I have every sympathy for the pain of loss and infertility (been there, done that). But your BIL and SIL have done absolutely nothing wrong. You seem to expect them to orchestrate everything to suit you, up to and including the size and style of their baby shower. Surely you must see that you have become utterly self-absorbed. Again I do understand how this can happen, but your defensiveness indicates that you have no intention of even attempting to change the way you are behaving. If anyone is being insensitive in this situation, I’m afraid it’s you.

This! 👏🏼