AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

@ANameChangeAgain

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. I'm so sorry for you loss, but you said what??

My jaw dropped, too.

So sorry for your troubles, OP, but that was OTT.

Perhaps professional counseling is in order, to become more resilient, because the world isn't going to tiptoe around you. Best wishes.

OP I speak from infertility experience of being totally unable to have children. There was a time in my life which was very dark in this respect (I found attending weddings the really difficult thing for some reason but my family does stuff upper lips extremely well, and sometimes just getting on with things and not thinking about myself actually helps). I put on a brave face and tried not to dampen other people's joy & excitement. The world does not revolve around me. I never resented other people's children & I am the world's best aunt.

I do have to say that even in your latest post, you're still seeing this in a somewhat skewed way, as all about you. Your comments on your SiL & Bil's specific use of IVF struck me. You're comparing and resentful.

It will only damage you in the long run.

I really really think you need some therapy. You might want to explore why you are so intensely projecting your grief onto your in-laws, and almost holding them to account (it sounds almost obsessive but that could just be the way you're writing about it) . For example, you seem to think that the "mistake" they made was actually cruelly deliberate.

And so on. I'm sorry but it really doesn't make pleasant reading & I'm not sure it's doing you any good rehashing it here. I'd hide the thread if I were you.

A PP upthread said something about it not being a zero sum game. Just because your SiL is pregnant doesn't "take" a pregnancy away from you.

For a long time I found it difficult to be around pregnant people. That was a "me" problem a million times over. I'd strongly recommend counselling. This won't be the last time, how you are reacting, though I understand it, is so so unhealthy and will ruin the relationships you could have with family, nieces and nephews.

You can keep your distance as is your right. But you can't dictate anything other than that.

You need.to pack it in or you may find nobody showing much interest when you finally get what you want. You have absolutely no right to go on about phone calls or parties or anything else. Nothing.

It's time to stop, hunker down and just be quiet about it.

Good luck for the future.

You seem to post as though you have a lot of awareness of yourself. You acknowledge you haven't handled it well.

But still keep insisting that by your standards they could have acted better.

You say you didn't expect everyone to be excited as you know people who have fertility issues and/or lost a child. However, there's nothing to suggest sil is exwjcti f you to be excited.

But your reaction isn't just nor excited, or in personal pain. It's trying to dictate what everyone else can do.

How you found our might not be pleasant. But you are being very unfair. They left something behind. Its entirely normal for for people to not have someone else as the priority. They didn't leave it there on purpose. They simply didn't do a final sweep to ensure no trace of pregnancy was left around.

Unfortunately, premenstrual damage may already have been done. Your sil already feels her husbands family can not be excited as they would have been because of your behaviour.

Wether you agree or not. She feels you have over shadowed her pregnancy. You haven't just withdrawn from her and had space. You have tried dictating how she can react, what they can do, how they answer the phone, who she invites to a party.

What you need to do is rethink, apologise and everytime something hurts don't react until you have really thought about it and talked it out with someone. Maybe a professional.

As for your Dp, maybe joint counselling wod be good. The IVF journey can break up the strongest of couples and that is something you would want to avoid.

Your being so unreasonable!

OP I’ve been in your position (pregnancy loss & ivf). It’s devastating and I understand how awful you feel. But I don’t think your sil has done anything wrong and if she had to do ivf then she’s not had an easy time of it herself. If I was you then I’d try and let go a bit, I think you’re projecting your feelings onto others xxx

So sorry for you loss, have you tried counselling? It really helped with my feelings of depression and anger x

I think yabu
They have every right to be happy and excited about their miracle baby. Both sides of the family should be allowed to celebrate with them.
I can understand if you're feeling jealous or sensitive but they really have every right to be happy atm

Of course she can answer her phone whenever she wants to. The call wasn't urgent though. They speak frequently throughout the day all day. We were out with them for a very short period of time. She could have thought how it might have come across. After all they didn't want us to know at that point, so why do something that might make people suspect something?! As I said above, she could have answered the call without putting it on speaker so we couldn't hear and there'd have been no risk of her family giving the game away or any need to warn them of us being there. If you want to think I'm being defensive on that point then you can have that opinion.

While I might not agree on the above point, I've taken on board many of the points raised on this thread, which has not been an easy thing to do. The responses in this thread have been a bit of a wake call and I think on the whole that's been a positive thing. I'm thankful to those of you who've responded with honesty, kindness and empathy to what is an awful situation for anyone to be in, and those who've understood that grief is probably clouding my judgement somewhat right now. To the very small number of you who've not been so kind, I don't think it's appropriate to mock or be unecessarily rude given the serious subject matter. You can voice your honest opinions, which is what I asked for, without resorting to that.

Frankly, you sound unreasonable. I'm sorry that your infertility has been awful for you but to be so unable to celebrate with your husband's family doesn't show you in a good light. You'll be risking what could be a lovely relationship with your niece or nephew.

You've been through some awful times but you really do have to accept that the world keeps turning and the lives of other people carry on as though nothing happened.

Think of it from your SILs perspective, she is trying desperately not to show you any of her excitement for her first child. You are, on some part, taking her joy away. And you still don't think she is doing enough, are seeing her every act as being aimed at you. It seems obvious from here, with only your words to go by, that she is trying to be mindful of you, your feelings.

Take a deep breath and make a choice... and maybe see if you can find someone outside the family to talk this through with. You can't stay that tuned to, sensitive to other women getting pregnant. It can only be doing you harm.

I hope you have taken on board the points raised on this thread, though your responses indicate otherwise (e.g. the mental gymnastics you are engaging in to justify wanting to dictate how and when your SIL answers the phone). You might not be able to control your immediate emotional reactions, but you can certainly choose how you behave and how you interact with your family members/in-laws. So far you have been extraordinarily unreasonable. Yes, it is coming from a place of grief and anxiety, and I have sympathy for what you are going through. But your expectations are wildly unfair and it is up to you to change that.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I had a baby loss at the same stage and then two years of infertility and then a baby in the NICU.

Your DH and DB agreed to tell each other when SIL got pregnant. Let’s leave the careless thing aside. He did tell your DH in a sensitive manner. But he didn’t tell your DH immediately. She was a few months along when she did? You must know why right?

The phone call thing is genuinely petty. She can take whatever call she likes and where. It might be that this rightly and understandably occupies a lot more space in your head than hers. She took a call and then went whoops and warned the other person.

I am sorry also that your DH felt so out of place at the baby shower. Maybe, like you, he should have stayed away. But the manner and choice of celebration should be as wholehearted as possible. What about their child’s first birthday etc? Will everything around this baby have to be muted?

One of my closest friends had a due date 10 weeks after mine. Whenever I saw him at first I would have a pang of ‘oh what if’. He’s in Y2 now and I haven’t had that thought for a long time. But I can’t imagine asking my friend not to celebrate in whatever way she likes over this. And she’s both a close friend and a neighbour and our older kids go to the same school so I had no way of avoiding her.

And I didn’t conceive for several years after my friend’s child was born. I remember thinking when he’s X months old I’ll be pregnant etc and days and dates and milestones came and went and I wasn’t.

Tbf OP I do agree that you SIL didn't need to answer the phone on speaker, she could have answered normally and you'd have thought nothing of it. Maybe she just didn't think if that's the way she always answers her phone?

OP your latest updates don’t do you any justice at all. You say there’s some food for thought, but you are still trying to persuade us all that it’s not you but her.

She has done nothing to you and in fact has respected your wishes, but that’s not enough for you. You want more. You want her to offer more. I mean this kindly but you are letting your jealousy consume you and view every action of hers as insensitive and careless. You need to find other ways to deal with this.

You don’t get to decide what phone calls someone else answers or not.

I’m really sorry for your loss I truly am but you don’t get to decide that.

You also don’t get to decide what size or shape of baby shower someone else has. You can decide not to go but that’s as far as it goes.

I do hope you’re getting counselling

I think sometimes though you are extrapolating - you think because you knew she was pregnant that saying something to her parents was because she didnt want them to say anything - but actually it is a normal response to say you are with people (answering on speaker is more odd but if that is how she normally does it).

I think perhaps you are asking for more than treading carefully around you -

Everything you right is (understandably) from your perspective and framed to fit your narrative. Whereas your SIL is unlikely to react according to that. She had the baby shower she wanted and took on board you didnt want to go and acted accordingly.

OP I do sympathise, I genuinely do, but you are very close to going down the rabbit hole of madness and if you aren't careful it will destroy you. I assume if the baby shower has happened the baby is due soon, you need to make amends (And by that I mean YOU, they have nothing to amend for) before that baby arrives or it will all be irreparable and your DH won't thank you for that.

OP, you are still trying to blame your SIL for absolutely everything. You are trying to come across as measured and reasonable but you only need to read between the lines to see how consumed with anger you are. This phone thing is madness...she should have thought? What? The phone rings and she answers it, which is exactly what most people would do. You are being monumentally unreasonable about all of this. I mean it with kindness but my God you need therapy and soon. I feel very sorry for your in laws that their pregnancy appears to have been tainted so much by your anger. Please stop this before you end up with a much bigger problem.

It’s normal to tell people you’re with people when they’re on speaker. I have friends who do speaker all the time. I find it annoying but it is what it is. As long as they make me aware of who is there. It’s manners. Come on, when it’s getting to the point they can’t answer the phone to family without thinking about how you are going to feel about it, it’s ridiculous. It is very script like. Like you have read others experiences and use them to fuel this fire against your SIL. I don’t doubt your experiences and grief and so I’m finding it hard to explain tactfully, sorry. You know when you don’t feel well and google your symptoms and people come up with illnesses that loosely fit and suddenly you go oh yeah that sounds like that, I must have that and do this etc. If I’m wrong in this then it’s from the way your post reads - everytime you say you were upset by something she did, you tell us how lots of other women feel this way, lots of others would or wouldn’t do something. Trying to justify your feelings. Strip it back and just bullet point the actions you feel are unreasonable. The bare bones of it. Take away the feelings you have ascribed to these actions. Then look at the points logically ie
Forgot piece of paper accidentally (whatever it was you found out from)
Answered a call to family in your presence
Threw a baby shower for family
Said she felt sad that nobody was excited on your side (to her husband)

On the other hand
Told you as you wanted (not knowing you knew)
Respected your feelings by not inviting you to shower
Not threw a strop because you told her you’d need space etc

I agree with PP you’ve got a narrative and you’re fitting things in to that. I have anxiety and sometimes do the same so in the above I’m genuinely trying to help you. I think your grief is all consuming and it’s clouding everything. You need to go back to counselling because Its important that you are helped through this by someone who can help you see clearly and logically and get back to having a happy family life. I hope in a year or two this will all be a memory and you and they will be looking forward to a happy family Christmas with your little ones. But if this continues that won’t ever be. Good luck op

To me (and I'm sure many here will disagree), picking up the phone when you're in the presence of other people and then immediately and abruptly saying 'we're just with so and so right now' implies quite strongly that you don't want the person on the other end of the phone to say something they shouldn't in the presence of that company

That had never occurred to me as a reason that someone might do that. And that's what I do. I'm one of those people who find it hard to leave a phone unanswered (though I will put it on silent in a situation where I can't be interrupted) so I almost always pick up and say "sorry, I'm (wherever/with whoever) can I call you back later?" rather than leave it to the answering service.

While you might see it your way, she probably doesn't. Again, this is your paranoia and one subject thinking that's to the fore.

I do recognise that you're starting to see things differently and taking opinions on board though. So I'm glad posting here has been helpful to a degree.

@IviSable Reading your updates I really do get the impression that you're doing your absolute best to listen to what people are saying, and I don't imagine that has been easy.

So yes, on the most basic level you are being unreasonable. But you have some very reasonable reasons for being unreasonable, and I think the people who love you should understand that, even if they are frustrated.

So yes, on the most basic level you are being unreasonable. But you have some very reasonable reasons for being unreasonable, and I think the people who love you should understand that, even if they are frustrated.

What indication is there that they don't understand it? It's clear they've tried to comply with whatever OP had asked. She's basically upset that they're living their lives.

YABVU whilst its sad that you lost your baby you don't get to say when others can have a baby? As pp have said if their doing ivf they've had trouble conceiving try being happy or leave them alone of course you weren't invited to the shower if all you've done is whine about her pregnancy its not all about you and pandering to you other people get to be happy you need counseling before a baby