AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

I think under the circumstances it was insensitive of them to expect presents and excitement pre the birth. Also, they shouldn't have had a baby shower with the family. It would have been no hardship to them at all. This must be extreme difficult for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. Only thing I would say, try not to destroy your relationship but do take the space you need. Hopefully in time you can take joy in being an Auntie. Be gentle to yourself. I went through ivf and this sounds like a nightmare situation for you to be in. Best of luck.

As to SIL being upset DH's side of the family weren't excited, this was just her opinion. DH's side of the family believe they were excited about her pregnancy and that they showed this. But in hindsight maybe she felt this way because I had withdrawn and this made her feel awkward about her own pregnancy.

This update wants me to hug your SIL. it reads like you have been in deep discussion regarding her pregnancy with the family and want them all on 'your side'.
So this couple who have also been through difficulties which won't go away even though she's currently pregnant probably feel like they now can't be supported by his family, especially if you've made your displeasure well known re the baby shower.
How will you feel if/when you are in the same situation that no one wants to talk about it or celebrate your pregnancy or will you expect it to be a huge focus for family and friends?

I think you are trying to take control of a situation where you dont have any.

I know the success rates for IVF are tough and the process is horrible. You are already struggling with grief and loss.

Dictating what your SIL does and doesn't do is an easy fix.

But by creating a set of boundaries for someone else to abide by I think you are making yourself feel worse.

It doesnt really matter about the baby shower does it? It doesnt impact your outcome.

Let these things go. Just dont fixate on them. It cant be undone and there are no words anyone can give you to stop your losses hurting.

By all means keep a bit of distance but when the baby comes you must do your best to celebrate them - its a new member of your extended family, and honestly you will love them. And its easier when they arrive because they are flesh and blood.

I know IVF is a terrible blackhole to fall into. I had miscarriages after successful IVF treatment. Just dont redirect your pain on to others.

Sorry for your loss but you are deeply unreasonable. They have done nothing wrong and have had a tough time themselves getting pregnant only to be basically cut off and berated by you.

OP, they didn’t leave whatever it was that confirmed their pregnancy on purpose, it was a mistake. They clearly didn’t intend to hurt you and were probably mortified when they realised. While you are working through all the feelings you have around this, you need to try to forgive them.

Same for the baby shower. Typical baby showers can be a bit tacky and awkward, they probably just wanted to celebrate with their families without all that. They could have made a different choice, but they didn’t want to, and it’s not fair to expect them to not to celebrate in the way they wanted.

@Franca123

I think under the circumstances it was insensitive of them to expect presents and excitement pre the birth. Also, they shouldn't have had a baby shower with the family. It would have been no hardship to them at all. This must be extreme difficult for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. Only thing I would say, try not to destroy your relationship but do take the space you need. Hopefully in time you can take joy in being an Auntie. Be gentle to yourself. I went through ivf and this sounds like a nightmare situation for you to be in. Best of luck.

So if OP gets pregnant, I take it they also can't have a baby shower or celebrate. Because you couldn't say it's fine for OP but not fine for the SIL to celebrate a baby.

It appears that SIL & BIL aren't entitled to 'any' sort of happiness or celebration of any kind due to your loss.

YABVU indeed. Cut them some slack.

This comes from someone who has been told fertility issues are apparent on both sides ( me & DP ) and it's looking likely we will need IVF too.

Although I appreciate that this is an awful time for you & you have been through a lot, you sound extremely spiteful & hard work.

It's time for you to stop dictating what SIL & BIL should/ shouldn't be doing & to be happy for someone else.

Sending

I'm really sorry for what you've been through and I understand that it's hard. But you talk alot about how they should understand how you feel and be compassionate of you but you're kind of ruining this for them by making it about you. You know how precious this is to them, its not been easy for them. But at every turn they're expected to remind themselves of your loss and to carefully plan every moment to not hurt you. I don't think that's fair. Their memory of this precious time is going to be marred by your behaviour, making them feel guilty for their struggle to conceive not lasting longer than yours.

This is about them op not your feelings you need to get past this

Baby showers aren't a thing in my experience nor is pre-birth presents. I had an ivf pregnancy and we didn't 'celebrate'. We were just happy.

@Franca123

Baby showers aren't a thing in my experience nor is pre-birth presents. I had an ivf pregnancy and we didn't 'celebrate'. We were just happy.

I have never been to a baby shower in my life. But they are definitely a thing.

Something can be a 'thing' without you having gone to one.

Surprise birthday parties aren't something I have ever been to, but I know they are a thing.

Pre birth presents are usually in place of buying a gift, after the baby is born. Again, plenty of people do it.

And honestly, just because you didn't do it and were "just happy" doesn't mean that everyone else must do the same or is on anyway less happy, because they want to celebrate.

@Franca123

Baby showers aren't a thing in my experience nor is pre-birth presents. I had an ivf pregnancy and we didn't 'celebrate'. We were just happy.

But that's you. Other people do like baby showers and like to celebrate when they're happy. And they should be allowed to.

@Franca123

Baby showers aren't a thing in my experience nor is pre-birth presents. I had an ivf pregnancy and we didn't 'celebrate'. We were just happy.

I never had one either, for any of my DC, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a ‘thing’. I’ve been to many. Irrelevant to the OP though really. The SIL did have one, so it must be a ‘thing’ for her.

I am so sorry you have been through a terrible time OP, and I so hope you get the happy news you want one day. However, you are being unreasonable. You’ve essentially decided how they should celebrate their news, which isn’t for you to do at all.

It sounds like they have tried to be sensitive around you. Indeed, you finding out about SIL being pregnant was an accident, yet you seem to hold it against them. Nothing they do will please you, unless they disappear and have a baby in secret with no joy from DH’s family whatsoever.

Is this the first grandchild on DH’s side? I wonder if you had hoped you would be the one celebrating with DH’s family, and instead it’s her, and therefore you’re really bitter about her doing things you would have done and that is also clouding your judgment, in addition to the grief and loss you’re going through.

Just to add, I have been to baby showers which are women only and which are mixed. There is not a set rule of doing it, and her deciding to hold a mixed one really isn’t some sort of dig at you or an attempt to rub things in your face, which is how you appear to interpret any of her joy.

Sorry! Was just giving my perspective on it. I can sympathise with the OP is all. It must feel really tough for her. If I had family in this situation I would not have had a family shower and I would not have expected presents at all. I just wouldn't have. I don't think it's wrong of me to express that.

YoU are being completely unreasonable but understandably so. I'm so sorry for your conception difficulties and hope you get what you want soon.

I really do understand where your coming from I went through ivf after 7+ years of infertility it was traumatising and just downright heartbreaking, I would break inside when someone told me they were pregnant, I had kind of the same situation with my bil and sil, but she got pregnant naturally told everyone and I smiled said congratulations my bil said something really nasty to me and my partner about not having children ( they didn’t know about us experiencing infertility at the time) but because how nasty the comment was I stopped contact for a good year and a half. I understand you completely But you said your sil had ivf too? So they were going through the similar to you and will have experienced the same stress and struggles as you? I’m so sorry for your miscarriage but you can’t expect your sil and bil not to be happy about their pregnancy, it is really hard to be happy for others when they are getting what you want the most but you need to be happy for them and it’s totally ok being sad for yourself, but that doesn’t mean their not allowed to be excited or the family to be, tbh she sounds like she had been sensitive to your situation and were you invited to the baby shower? You also can’t expect her not to have a baby shower because of your situation, I know it seems like a personal attack to you but it really isn’t she just wants to celebrate her baby and pregnancy with her family and close ones. I had a baby shower and I knew a friend of mine was ttc and it was going on for nearly a year and she was starting to struggle emotionally so I asked her in person and said I was ok with her not wanting to come but she did and thanked me for asking. Have you spoke to your sil about it?

OP in the kindest possible way - I mean what I'm going to say with kindness.

Is there any way you can try to focus on anything you are appreciative for for a while instead of focusing on SIL & BIL? I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are not careful your relationship with DP is going to be all about this devastation & nothing else. I feel for your DP, I bet he doesn't know what to say / or to agree to for fear of doing right for wrong. He will be stuck between a rock & a hard place. After all men process grief & loss differently to us women & also said in the kindest possible way I am presuming that your DP will be exhausted of hearing you trying to dictate how others should be on eggshells around you. Now I'm not saying that either of your ways of dealing with this grief isn't valid, I guess I'm just wondering how your DP is doing whilst your life is consumed with such devastation? Does that ever cross your mind?

@Franca123

Sorry! Was just giving my perspective on it. I can sympathise with the OP is all. It must feel really tough for her. If I had family in this situation I would not have had a family shower and I would not have expected presents at all. I just wouldn't have. I don't think it's wrong of me to express that.

No one said it was wrong to express it. But there's nothing wrong with people disagreeing.

But it's factually wrong to say because you don't do something it's not a thing.

Or that because you didn't do it and were just happy, thats what everyone else should do.

And while you may live your life trying to please family members who have cut you off, its not reasonable to expect it.

So what if op still feels like this when/if bil and sil want a christening? Or a first birthday party? No celebration and no presents then? How long would you live according your life and hide any happy moments with your child for a relative who won't speak to you?

Would you really say no birthday presents or party's for your child ever? Would you really never take your child to a family function incase the attention upset that family member? Essentially, hide you baby away for the fathers family as to not upset someone, who doesn't want to have anything to do with you anyway?

You didn't want a baby shower, so not having it wouldn't have been a big deal. But I imagine there have been and will be things that you would mind not doing and things you would do anyway.

Op you said bil and sil “went straight to ivf before trying naturally” really?
I’ve never heard of that tbh

@Cloakedmerry

Op you said bil and sil “went straight to ivf before trying naturally” really? I’ve never heard of that tbh

I know people who have done this, as they’ve had known existing problems that would make natural conception impossible.

Although I suppose they were ‘trying naturally’ throughout as they didn’t use contraception due to their known infertility.

At least they tried to spare your feelings... my SIL after I told her I was very upset and stressed about ttc with no progress walked into my living room placed a picture of a positive test in front of me and just stared at me. I am supposed to just get over this and be happy for them.

Our was brave of you to return, OP. But clearly you still have some way to go, as you're still belong unreasonable

I don't understand why the size/scale of her baby shower matters if you never had any intention of going.

Exactly. You're wanting to control every element of their recognition of their pregnancy, even when you're not part of it. And you still want to see the accident of you finding out, as malicious and deliberate in some way.

They seem to have been as careful and as sensitive as any two people can be. But they have to be allowed to enjoy their pregnancy, and their family should be allowed to be happy for them.

Please look into some counselling. You really do need it because this baby will be arriving soon and you will not be able to avoid that.

And best wishes for your own ivf.