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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No thank you, no more gifts

257 replies

SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:33

I have given around 10/11 big bags for life FULL of John Lewis and Next clothes, toys, a play mat, a bath seat, an inflatable chair etc. To someone my dad works with. The lad is early 20s and on an apprentice wage and his gf is a student so they would struggle to get everything on such limited income. All the clothes were excellent condition, some with labels on still. I washed and ironed everything. These were things my son had outgrown and we are lucky to have been able to afford everything he needed so I didn't mind helping someone else out. My friend also gave them more items - about 4 bags for life with again, clothes with labels on etc. I didn't give these things expecting anything in return but the couple have not even sent a thank you card of text - they have literally had thousands of pounds worth of stuff. AIBU to give things to charity in future now instead of this couple as I really feel they have been incredibly rude and ungrateful to not even acknowledge what they have been given

OP posts:
abenbaked · 25/11/2021 22:03

SatSummer asked me to post the reply above. She is logging off. Comments became personal and attacking. Said I'd pass it on. Thanks

MN gold.

TheKeatingFive · 25/11/2021 22:04

I always love a name change fail 😂

WTF475878237NC · 25/11/2021 22:15

phishy

Your mistake was giving everything in one go.

^ OP has given several bags over months. Possibly an overwhelming amount they haven't needed yet as baby wasn't even born at the time.

phishy · 25/11/2021 22:20

Sorry, missed that bit. If they didn’t say thank you, why keep giving?

StepAwayFromGoogling · 25/11/2021 23:55

I didn't send one single thank you card for gifts I received for DD1. I was so overwhelmed and unhappy with a newborn, I sunk straight into post natal anxiety and thought the world was ending. I still to this day don't care if anyone was offended by not getting a thank you card.
Having a baby is all-consuming and overwhelming, OP. They may be struggling. They may have received tons of stuff from tons of people. They may have thought that a thank you when the gifts were handed over was enough. Who knows. But I really don't understand why you are so worked up because you didn't get a card?!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 26/11/2021 00:07

@BornIn78

I got sick of people foisting their unwanted baby clothes and items onto me when I was pregnant, as if they were doing me a huge favour.

Did you ask if they actually wanted the stuff or needed it?

100% this

BridgetWhyNot · 26/11/2021 00:19

Not everyone has had the upbringing to know how to say thank you or give thank you cards.

BridgetWhyNot · 26/11/2021 00:20

@Fomofo

I'm not sure I'd send a card for 2nd hand stuff, I'd think I was doing the giver a favour by accepting it
This.
nomoneytreehere · 26/11/2021 00:55

Oh god, when I was having my last baby I specifically told people I didn't want their stuff. What's perfect condition to you isn't necessarily to someone else, and seriously how much stuff does a newborn need. Also, first babies you get so so many gifts. My parents neighbours children (who I had never met) bought me stuff! Just because they are on low income doesn't mean they want your old stuff! And just because you paid £1000 for it - I'm afraid it's worth a pittance now. My sons newborn wardrobe was pretty much all from the white company. I gave it all to the baby bank. You might have found they were grateful if you had picked out a few really nice pieces rather than treating them like the nearest charity shop.

Peach01 · 26/11/2021 01:03

Did the couple just grab the bag without thanking the person who handed it to them?
I wouldn't expect a thank you. I would rather know the clothes were going straight to a family who needed them and would feel happy enough about that. Plus getting them out of the house is doing a favour.

If it's causing you any upset then give the clothes to a charity next time.

Eeyoresideyestigger · 26/11/2021 01:11

Don't give them anything more. Ungrateful buggers

Giver your hand me downs to a real friend or sell them elsewhere

and next time they ask your dad say " not bloody likely"

It literarily takes seconds to send a text to thank someone or write a card or note . They can't even bothered? You can't be bothered...,

Mol1628 · 26/11/2021 07:31

I wouldn’t expect a thank you card for passing on items I had finished with. Just a standard thank you to whoever passed it over would be fine.

hidinginquote · 26/11/2021 07:42

For people saying that they didn't want want to be given peoples hand me downs when they were pregnant with irrelevant, the OP said they specifically asked if they had anything! The OP did and passed on a lot of stuff, I think that certainly warrants at least a thank you text!

I have friends who I went out of my way to help out with baby stuff (that they wanted and ask for help with, not clothes but things like baby swing, isofix car seat and base, barely used) and they were ungrateful and it was honestly quite hurtful!

LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2021 08:03

Fomofo
I'm not sure I'd send a card for 2nd hand stuff, I'd think I was doing the giver a favour by accepting it

Really? How fucking rude.

Thisbastardcomputer · 26/11/2021 08:04

Off topic but when I moved house I gave my nephew and his girlfriend £1.5k worth of wooden blinds, sent £50 via my sister when the baby was born.

Not a word of thanks and actually turned away from me recently at my mum's funeral.

It won't happen again.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/11/2021 08:04

You don't give things expecting to be thanked OP.

JinglingHellsBells · 26/11/2021 08:23

@CaMePlaitPas

You don't give things expecting to be thanked OP.
Do you mean you don't? @CaMePlaitPas

It's normal, decent behaviour to thank someone for a gift.

Are you going to be following your own moral compass this Xmas? Not thanking anyone for a gift they give you?

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 08:32

@CaMePlaitPas

You don't give things expecting to be thanked OP.
Really? You have very low expectations for yourself don't you, I would work on that.
Dishhh · 26/11/2021 08:37

@hidinginquote

For people saying that they didn't want want to be given peoples hand me downs when they were pregnant with irrelevant, the OP said they specifically asked if they had anything! The OP did and passed on a lot of stuff, I think that certainly warrants at least a thank you text!

I have friends who I went out of my way to help out with baby stuff (that they wanted and ask for help with, not clothes but things like baby swing, isofix car seat and base, barely used) and they were ungrateful and it was honestly quite hurtful!

I think it's odd that he did - given that he doesn't actually know @SaturdaySummer - he works with her Dad. How does that conversation go? "Does your daughter have any leftover stuff from her kids I might be able to use? I know she's kind of rich ... and I'm not ..."

CaMePlaitPas · 26/11/2021 08:48

Don't worry about me @Pigeoninthehouse, my self esteem is just fine thanks. It's nice to have enough self awareness to not be the arsehole who believes that people I help are indebted to me in some way.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/11/2021 08:49

I don't ask for gifts @JinglingHellsBells what a strange comment. I'm not 4, I don't expect presents at Christmas.

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 08:51

I think it's odd that he did - given that he doesn't actually know @SaturdaySummer - he works with her Dad. How does that conversation go? "Does your daughter have any leftover stuff from her kids I might be able to use? I know she's kind of rich ... and I'm not
Her dad may have thought he was being helpful volunteering his daughters stuff to this young man and its got a bit out of hand. Especially if her dad is much senior to, the lad may have just found it difficult to refuse.
Still think the op should have been thanked for her effort though and totally understand the ops disappointment.
Absolute BS all the posters saying they don't expect thanks for their effort.

girlmom21 · 26/11/2021 08:57

@BridgetWhyNot

Not everyone has had the upbringing to know how to say thank you or give thank you cards.
Bollocks. Every functioning adult knows how and when to say please and thank you.
SequinnedShawl · 26/11/2021 08:59

I hated being given bags of baby stuff. Felt like I was obliged to take them. Especially when if I gave the bags back as requested once I had been through and taken out anything I found useful, I was then interrogated as to why I didn't want: nursing bras, sleepsuits with the feet cut out, cardigans with the buttons cut off (”you can easily sew buttons on and I wanted those ones”) and many more delights. Hmm

The young couple probably feel that they're being used as a dumping ground for all your old toot.

LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2021 09:00

Don't worry about me @Pigeoninthehouse, my self esteem is just fine thanks. It's nice to have enough self awareness to not be the arsehole who believes that people I help are indebted to me in some way.

Expecting some to say Thank you is not the same as feeling someone is “indebted” to you. It’s basic manners which we teach our children from the very beginning. Although going by this thread I’m learning that many people do not think it’s basic manners. If you’re not teaching your kids to say a simple thank you, you’re doing them a major disservice.