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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No thank you, no more gifts

257 replies

SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:33

I have given around 10/11 big bags for life FULL of John Lewis and Next clothes, toys, a play mat, a bath seat, an inflatable chair etc. To someone my dad works with. The lad is early 20s and on an apprentice wage and his gf is a student so they would struggle to get everything on such limited income. All the clothes were excellent condition, some with labels on still. I washed and ironed everything. These were things my son had outgrown and we are lucky to have been able to afford everything he needed so I didn't mind helping someone else out. My friend also gave them more items - about 4 bags for life with again, clothes with labels on etc. I didn't give these things expecting anything in return but the couple have not even sent a thank you card of text - they have literally had thousands of pounds worth of stuff. AIBU to give things to charity in future now instead of this couple as I really feel they have been incredibly rude and ungrateful to not even acknowledge what they have been given

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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:51

@Nesbo

Possibly they felt overwhelmed and a bit uncomfortable and don’t quite know what to say, especially as it can feel a bit weird to be given loads of baby stuff - as if you can no longer make your own choices as you feel obliged to use what you’ve been given.
Even so, that's just plain rude IMO. I honestly would not know if they used the stuff or not so wouldn't be offended if they passed it on or gave it to charity etc but if you're asking g people For things I think you're not in a position to be picky and should be grateful someone has helped, especially with such lovely things
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:52

@ComDummings

Did they even want this stuff?
Yes they asked my dad if we had anything that we didn't need anymore
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WTF475878237NC · 25/11/2021 16:52

I didn't get round to sending thank you cards for a month after the last gift arrived. Perhaps it's not a slight on you?

PurpleMarie · 25/11/2021 16:53

[quote Ponoka7]@PurpleMarie

Ponoka7

"Has the woman of the couple got your contact details?"
"Because the father of the child couldn’t say thank you?"
Young men can be thoughtless and not pass messages on.

I too thought that they were starting to feel patronised. They might have family whose toes are being tread on.[/quote]
That expectation is bullshit, and why so many women on here feel that they have to take a heavier mental load than their partners.

girlmom21 · 25/11/2021 16:53

Presumably they've said thank you to your dad?

thinkfast · 25/11/2021 16:53

Did they perhaps ask your dad to say thank you and he forgot to pass it in?

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:55

@Megan2018

People are ungrateful bastards I find *@SaturdaySummer* I hate people that are rude, they will likely raise an equally ungrateful brat. Definitely give to a baby bank or charity chop next time.

I have thosands of pounds of stuff to sort too - I'm going to sell a few of the very expensive bits and donate the money to my favourite animal charity and baby bank the rest.

Honestly it's really annoyed me. I think they are ignorant pigs @Megan2018 - you can buy a thank you card for 29p. I think it's the absolute pits. We have 2 massive under bed boxes to neo natal with tiny baby and newborn clothes as well as loads of hand knitted cardigan and blankets as our son was 6 weeks early and needed their care. They could not have been nicer or more grateful. I'll give the rest to a local mum and baby service
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:56

@Spinderellaella

That's really generous of you. Doesn't cost anything for them to say "thank you". It would annoy me too.
Thank you, honestly I just wish I had given it to someone else now. No more in future
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bootdilemma21 · 25/11/2021 16:56

@Ponoka7

Has the woman of the couple got your contact details?
Wow. Unbelieveable.
Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:57

@StillPerplexed

They probably do appreciate them, but what with having a new child, I'm sure there's dozens of things they've let fall by the wayside like this.
I've been giving them it gradually over a a few months now so it wasn't all at once. Would totally understand if it was after the baby and they had their hands full but I wanted them to have it all ready for the baby coming
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Restart10 · 25/11/2021 16:57

Yanbu. It takes a minute to send a thank you and appreciation text. You gave them a generous amount of good quality stuff, they are extremely bad mannered to not even have sent you a text. My dh boss has sent over a ton of presents for my dd as we have recently moved here. Even though my dh thanked here, I still got her a card and gift and called her to thank her. Well now you know op.

thedefinitionofmadness · 25/11/2021 16:57

I bet they said thanks to your dad. What were you expecting?

I think with stuff like this it would help you just to believe you've helped them out and that be sufficient.

user1471538283 · 25/11/2021 16:57

I gave an ex friends friend lots of my DSs stuff that apparently she loved. She never once thanked me. This ex friend also asked for more for her and was quite put out when I refused. My bf also gave her kids PS games, again no thanks.

It is just manners to say thank you

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:57

@MaskingForIt

That’s far too much stuff. They are probably overwhelmed and stressed out by the amount of unasked-for things arriving in their house.
It wasn't unasked for/ they asked my dad if we had anything they could have actually
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DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 25/11/2021 16:58

So you didn’t give them the things because you wanted to help, you gave it them because you wanted the praise? Hmm

thedefinitionofmadness · 25/11/2021 16:59

I can totally see a reverse of this thread

Some woman who is related to someone DP works with keeps foisting her old baby things on me. It was fine at first and I was grateful but it's not my taste and I don't want it. I never asked for it in the first place. How do I make it stop?

authenticforgery · 25/11/2021 17:02

Yanbu, that's fucking rude.

Ohdoleavemealone · 25/11/2021 17:03

I wouldn't expect a card but a thank you would be nice.
I donated some toys at a church recently and didn't even get a thanks then. Just "oh put it over there".
Maybe they get too much stuff?

JSL52 · 25/11/2021 17:03

It's rude. Even if they didn't want all of it. They should have said thank you.

CaptainMyCaptain · 25/11/2021 17:03

@TokyoSushi

That's absolutely loads of stuff, too much, are you sure that they wanted/needed it?
That was my first thought. There are often posts on MN with people complaining about relatives giving them stuff they don't want.
Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 17:04

@Notonthestairs

If they have a newborn I imagine they've got their hands quite full. Are you sure the father didn't thank your Dad directly?

Do they have space for 15 bags? Couldn't you have slimmed it down to a couple?

I'm afraid I hate to be presented with 15 bags of things other people think I need. For one thing I wouldn't know where to put them.

They asked us to help out. I have the stuff over a period of months, not all at once or I completely understand that they would be overwhelmed. @PurpleMarie clearly we have different ideas of what good manners are. Some people are ignorant and don't even think a thank you is warranted after asking for things and receiving them
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 17:05

@junebirthdaygirl

Maybe they intend to send out thank you cards to all who gave gifts for baby haven't managed to do them yet. So wait and see. I have to admit l got totally overwhelmed when my dsis gave me boxes of stuff for dd. Felt l couldn't choose anything myself as there was so much from her dd.
They don't have much in the way of family support so don't imagine this being the case here
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Gimlisaxe · 25/11/2021 17:06

Yes they should have said thank you but if I recieved 20 massive bags of clothes, I would not be feeling particularly grateful at the amount of trips to the charity shop I would now have to take

Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 17:06

@Millie50

We made sure we thanked everyone for their donations of baby stuff, despite the fact that only about half the people asked in advance to find out if we actually wanted it. Most were very surprised that we found the time to thank them given we have a newborn. Maybe they will get round to thanking you eventually, but if they don't, it's probably just because they're overwhelmed right now.

Unwanted gifts can just be a pain though. We are now having to find other homes for some of the stuff we were given since our house is not very big. We have to find recipients that we are sure don't know the people who gave us the stuff in the first place, in case they find out and write a post on MN about how ungrateful we are!

Think it's not ungrateful if you thank them, what you do after it is up to you. They asked us for things so I feel they could at least say thanks- I didn't ply them with unwanted things they never asked for
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Original poster
SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 17:07

@HireStarter

YABU.

A thank you card...They probably said thank you to the person who physically gave them the bags, hoping it would reach you.

No one forced you to give away the stuff. And also, 10-11 bags of stuff?! That's excessive! One bag is enough for each size and no one wants age 3/4 to store for a new baby.

I don't mean this horribly as clearly you had good intentions but I don't think you're the right kind of person to give things to others. People don't always behave as we expect and it's not worth the aggro. Next time, give to charity.

I'm not the right kind of person to give things to others.....?! ConfusedConfusedConfused
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