No thank you, no more gifts

[SaturdaySummer]

I have given around 10/11 big bags for life FULL of John Lewis and Next clothes, toys, a play mat, a bath seat, an inflatable chair etc. To someone my dad works with. The lad is early 20s and on an apprentice wage and his gf is a student so they would struggle to get everything on such limited income. All the clothes were excellent condition, some with labels on still. I washed and ironed everything. These were things my son had outgrown and we are lucky to have been able to afford everything he needed so I didn't mind helping someone else out. My friend also gave them more items - about 4 bags for life with again, clothes with labels on etc. I didn't give these things expecting anything in return but the couple have not even sent a thank you card of text - they have literally had thousands of pounds worth of stuff. AIBU to give things to charity in future now instead of this couple as I really feel they have been incredibly rude and ungrateful to not even acknowledge what they have been given

@beastlyslumber

You know what you could go and buy your own thank you card and write it out to yourself and put it on the mantelpiece so visitors will know what a good person you are. I think that will resolve everything nicely.

🤣🤣🤣

You sound horrible to be honest, I mean "ignorant pigs" wtf? Only someone nasty would say that.

It is rude not to say thank you but honestly you seem enraged which is so over the top. They are by your account a young couple, with the main earner an apprentice, and very little family support. I feel like this would suggest some stuff about their day to day lives and experiences that might give you a hint as to why they haven't thought to thank you.

Giving it to a baby bank or similar doesn't guarantee fucking gratitude.

You've done a good thing for that baby, a baby being born into arguably difficult financial circumstances and possibly, given the lack of support, difficult familial circumstances. Whether the baby's parents are rude or not, what should count is that, and you should feel glad for the baby and fucking let the rest go. Does the baby no longer deserve what you gave because its parents didn't give you the correct response? Get a grip.

@speakout

You threw the serfs a few slices of stale cake and they didn't even doff their cap or curtsey?

How rude of them.

But some of the stuff was JOHN LEWIS, didn't you see that bit?!

On the one hand it was generous of you. My own circumstances as a single mum meant i was incredibly grateful when friends and acquaintances gave me clothes for my kids - often expensive, trendy and would have cost a fortune if i had had to buy them.

But equally if someone I did not know very well and who I did not talk to very often gave me on an unsolicited basis a large amount of clothes like this without consulting with me first - i can see various reasons why my first reaction might not be to be brimming over with thanks. That does not excuse someone from saying "thank you" of course, the point is that often people want the personal touch in terms of "how are you? how are you doing? and what do you most need? rather than an [unexpected?] donation whether that be the donation in the first place or the contents of the donation.

When i received the generous gifts of clothes from my friends they always left a note in the bag saying "anything you don't want feel free to give to charity" which I thought was a nice touch - they actually know me quite well so it did feel like a generous gift but they were also acknowledging me as a person and giving me permission to pick and choose what was useful to me - and that bit i found the most generous aspect of their giving as it did not feel like charity, it felt like one friend to another.

Maybe they don't want your cast offs OP.

Maybe they are actually offended that you see them as a charity case.

I doubt I'm alone in this.

But I REALLY wouldn't want charity from someone who'd call me 'disgusting' if I didn't react in exactly the manner she wanted as a result.

Don't do it again OP. You probably totally overwhelmed them and they've no idea what to do with it all.

@Ponoka7

Has the woman of the couple got your contact details?

The woman?

But some of the stuff was JOHN LEWIS, didn't you see that bit?!

lol

No thank you AND they are poor! I am clutching my pearls for you OP!

Do not give to receive

You've got your quote wrong @BobLemon
It's don't give to expect to receive (a gift in return.)

That doesn't exclude a free, verbal 'thank you'.

I genuinely cannot understand why you are so pre occupied with your kind gesture! I have given bag fulls of really lovely young men’s clothes,trainers etc to two of my friends for their teenagers . Good quality and in perfect condition. Can honestly say it never crossed my mind that their sons would contact me to thank me …their Mothers had already thanked me . I was just glad that the boys appreciated the clothes and I had less bags of stuff here at home .
Really think you need to calm down…also referring to this young couple as pigs is actually pretty awful!

Of course it’s rude to accept so much without acknowledging it with a gesture, even if it was just a verbal or text thanks. However not everyone responds to being given stuff in the same way, maybe they’re embarrassed to accept so much or maybe they just grew up in families where saying thanks wasn’t modelled for them. People are complicated.

You say you didn’t expect anything, but you clearly did. I’m not saying you’re unreasonable to expect a thanks but truthfully you did expect something in return.you expected a show of gratitude.

Often giving isn’t as selfless as it seems.

@speakout

But some of the stuff was JOHN LEWIS, didn't you see that bit?!

lol

Is there any need to be so horrible? MN is a parallel universe of nastiness often.

Why NOT say it was from John Lewis?
Why?

The point as you clearly know, is it was quality clothing or items.

And yes, they ought to appreciate it and be bending over backwards to thank the OP.

I despair at MN sometimes and can't believe half the stuff posted when it goes against the grain of basic manners and common sense.

YANBU to expect a thank you, but also (having been the recipient myself of an overwhelming quantity of stuff when I had my baby) I can confirm it's generally not nearly so welcome as the giver thinks.

You understandably think you've done a massive favour worthy of gratitude, whereas the recipient often feels like they just have the chore of going through mounds of stuff.

That said they really should have thanked you because it was a kind impulse and some of it will, I'm sure, be useful to them. They were rude not to thank you.

I'm sure you meant well OP.

A neighbour used to do this to us when our kids were small and it was really annoying! It was like she couldn't be arsed to take the stuff to the charity shop, so she gave it to us the neighbours a few doors down.

Then we had to pretend to be grateful, when in reality a lot of it was stuff we didn't like, didn't want or didn't need.

@amsadandconfused

I genuinely cannot understand why you are so pre occupied with your kind gesture! I have given bag fulls of really lovely young men’s clothes,trainers etc to two of my friends for their teenagers . Good quality and in perfect condition. Can honestly say it never crossed my mind that their sons would contact me to thank me …their Mothers had already thanked me . I was just glad that the boys appreciated the clothes and I had less bags of stuff here at home . Really think you need to calm down…also referring to this young couple as pigs is actually pretty awful!

and presumably you don't thank people yourself?

Yes they should have said thank you. So for that yanbu.

However mentioning how much it all cost, how comfortable your family is and how little they have yabu

Manners have nothing to do with income.

I've given John Lewis stuff away, Frugi stuff, Boden stuff, bags of it to baby bank, friends of friends, refugees. No expectation of thanks. I like helping people. I get a nice feeling just from donating. And honestly, yes that is some of the reason I donate things, but mainly it's to get rid of things we no longer need. I wouldn't ever expect a thank you note.

tbh I really hated getting unsolicited things from people. Tiny house, and a general sense of being overwhelmed plus i am not great when people do me favours as it triggers all my social anxiety. Plus people tend to give stuff that they don[t want to take to the tip or charity shop (nearly 100 VHS tapes of tom and jerry given to us by someone DH worked with in 2011 was a particular low point).

@TheKeatingFive

I doubt I'm alone in this.

But I REALLY wouldn't want charity from someone who'd call me 'disgusting' if I didn't react in exactly the manner she wanted as a result.

Don't do it again OP. You probably totally overwhelmed them and they've no idea what to do with it all.

This.

OP a thank you is always nice but you sound so holier than thou that I doubt you'd have even heard one if it was said.

They possibly should have thanked you.

However your attitude is horrible. Really horrible.

You've called them 'ignorant pigs' and spoken so dismissively of them.

You've also given them way too much stuff. Regardless of them asking, you have given them so much stuff that you've created a task for them. No one child needs the amount you've landed on them.

Also while I might like a thanks, I really wouldn't be bothered if a young, struggling couple didn't thank me for receiving my second hand clothes.

The fact that you’re expecting a card is a bit unreasonable. I barely got out of my dressing gown with a newborn, let alone went to the shops to carefully select cards for everyone who gave me a gift (even if they are “only 29p”) would have been beyond me

Also you’re probably not the only one to give them a gift. You say they dont have much money, so perhaps 29p x lots might be better off spent on the baby?

Surely if there was a verbal thank you that should be enough? You seem like you give to make yourself look good rather than give to genuinely help to be honest.

@TheKeatingFive

I doubt I'm alone in this.

But I REALLY wouldn't want charity from someone who'd call me 'disgusting' if I didn't react in exactly the manner she wanted as a result.

Don't do it again OP. You probably totally overwhelmed them and they've no idea what to do with it all.

Exactly.

**Nietzschethehiker

I'm sorry ? Did you just call them ignorant pigs?

How on earth did you think that was a remotely acceptable thing to say? That says absolutely everything about you.

I actually was reading thinking I can understand why you might feel a bit put out. Although I do generally think true altruism is about giving not for thanks but originally I guess I could understand your annoyance.

Ignorant pigs ? Your attitude is abhorrent. Truly abhorrent. I assure you most people with any indication of your attitude would not welcome anything from you. They are not there for you to be disgusting about because of a minor slight.

Good lord what an awful attitude.**

Completely agree.

Nonsense @JinglingHellsBells OP needn't have mentioned where any of the things came from, and it's absolutely irrelevant. One man's John Lewis is another man's Mori. Is another man's Primark.