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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No thank you, no more gifts

257 replies

SaturdaySummer · 25/11/2021 16:33

I have given around 10/11 big bags for life FULL of John Lewis and Next clothes, toys, a play mat, a bath seat, an inflatable chair etc. To someone my dad works with. The lad is early 20s and on an apprentice wage and his gf is a student so they would struggle to get everything on such limited income. All the clothes were excellent condition, some with labels on still. I washed and ironed everything. These were things my son had outgrown and we are lucky to have been able to afford everything he needed so I didn't mind helping someone else out. My friend also gave them more items - about 4 bags for life with again, clothes with labels on etc. I didn't give these things expecting anything in return but the couple have not even sent a thank you card of text - they have literally had thousands of pounds worth of stuff. AIBU to give things to charity in future now instead of this couple as I really feel they have been incredibly rude and ungrateful to not even acknowledge what they have been given

OP posts:
LucySullivanIsGettingMarried · 26/11/2021 09:08

Poor fuckers having all those bags and bags of stuff dumped on them is all I can say! I had someone do the same to me (totally unasked for!) when I had my first and it was awful; bags full of shit everywhere!

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 09:10

@CaMePlaitPas

Don't worry about me *@Pigeoninthehouse*, my self esteem is just fine thanks. It's nice to have enough self awareness to not be the arsehole who believes that people I help are indebted to me in some way.
Expecting someone to say thank you for your something given with good intentions, is not about self awareness.That's just basic good manners and the basis of a civilised society. Self awareness comes in understanding that the problem is with them, not you. The op has asked for a simple thank you, not sure where you are gtting indebted from. Lots of very defensive people on this thread, makes me wonder if they have poor manners too.
Fomofo · 26/11/2021 09:18

Lizziesiddal, if someone off loads something on me that I did not ask for how is it 'fucking rude' not to write them a thank you card? Your post was pretty rude mind

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 09:20

@Fomofo

Lizziesiddal, if someone off loads something on me that I did not ask for how is it 'fucking rude' not to write them a thank you card? Your post was pretty rude mind
Read the ops posts. She was asked for them. She doesn't expect a thank you note. A thank you text would have been ok.
JurgensCakeBaby · 26/11/2021 09:29

Lots of people don't send thank yous anymore, I'm not one of them and luckily neither are my friends. Not always a card but a call/text, or now DS is older we quite often do a little video message with him with the item so he can say thank you directly, I think it's teaching him an important message and he's not old enough to write yet.
Having said all of that I gave a big bag of similar quality, excellent condition stuff to a colleague whose young daughter has just had a baby and I know she and her partner are on low income. My colleague said thank you very sincerely and came in a few days later and said she loved the stuff, her daughter could contact me on FB or get my number from her mum, but really it's not necessary I have so much baby stuff I can't even give it away our local baby bank is overwhelmed, so actually it's doing me a favour to get rid. Thank you was said at the point of handover and that's plenty for me, so if the male said thanks to your dad they might assume he'll pass that on.

parietal · 26/11/2021 09:34

YABU

Why on earth did you give them so much stuff in the first place? When the boy said they wanted a few things, he probably imagined 4 babygrows and a playmat. Not 15 bags worth to sort through. It is a lot of work to sort & organise that kind of gift, and takes away all the joy of choosing your own baby things, even if that is only the value-packs from tesco.

don't offload your junk on people who haven't asked for it. Even if you think it is nice, they clearly don't.

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 09:43

@JurgensCakeBaby

Lots of people don't send thank yous anymore, I'm not one of them and luckily neither are my friends. Not always a card but a call/text, or now DS is older we quite often do a little video message with him with the item so he can say thank you directly, I think it's teaching him an important message and he's not old enough to write yet. Having said all of that I gave a big bag of similar quality, excellent condition stuff to a colleague whose young daughter has just had a baby and I know she and her partner are on low income. My colleague said thank you very sincerely and came in a few days later and said she loved the stuff, her daughter could contact me on FB or get my number from her mum, but really it's not necessary I have so much baby stuff I can't even give it away our local baby bank is overwhelmed, so actually it's doing me a favour to get rid. Thank you was said at the point of handover and that's plenty for me, so if the male said thanks to your dad they might assume he'll pass that on.
But you were still thanked, sometimes you don't realise how much it matters until it doesn't happen. And the op is venting on an anonymous forum, she hasn't gone round the lads house demanding a thank you. She seems to have just wanted a simple thank you, not a carefully crafted missive explaining how the couple are eternally grateful.
phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2021 09:46

Absolute BS all the posters saying they don't expect thanks for their effort.

If it is stuff I’m already getting rid of or need to, I wouldn’t need or expect a thanks because I know it’s going to people who actually need/want it and they are saving me the trip to putting it into the usually overstuffed charity bin which is far out of my routine especially if it’s going through someone else.

As it has been said, putting it in the charity bin, you’re not going to get a thanks. It being picked up from your home through those bag schemes where you leave a filled bag outside for charity, you’re not going to get a thanks unless you’re waiting for the guy to pick them up.

I recall getting things from people when my sons were born whom I had never met through my MIL which tbh I thought was strange since we didn’t ask for anything, never met these people ever, didn’t tell them we were pregnant and we lived 400+ miles away. We did say thank you to MIL and told her to pass it on to her friends and coworkers but other than that, we didn’t do anything else. I asked my DH if this was normal and what was the protocol and he simply said his mom would take care of it and I left it at that. I didn’t have phone numbers or addresses and I definitely wasn’t writing thank you cards, that’s husband forte (comes from a card family). It would also have felt awkward for me at the time to call someone I’ve never met, for a gift I never asked for, for something I never told them about so left it to DH. If they thought me rude for not doing more, oh well.

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 09:57

@phoenixrosehere

Absolute BS all the posters saying they don't expect thanks for their effort.

If it is stuff I’m already getting rid of or need to, I wouldn’t need or expect a thanks because I know it’s going to people who actually need/want it and they are saving me the trip to putting it into the usually overstuffed charity bin which is far out of my routine especially if it’s going through someone else.

As it has been said, putting it in the charity bin, you’re not going to get a thanks. It being picked up from your home through those bag schemes where you leave a filled bag outside for charity, you’re not going to get a thanks unless you’re waiting for the guy to pick them up.

I recall getting things from people when my sons were born whom I had never met through my MIL which tbh I thought was strange since we didn’t ask for anything, never met these people ever, didn’t tell them we were pregnant and we lived 400+ miles away. We did say thank you to MIL and told her to pass it on to her friends and coworkers but other than that, we didn’t do anything else. I asked my DH if this was normal and what was the protocol and he simply said his mom would take care of it and I left it at that. I didn’t have phone numbers or addresses and I definitely wasn’t writing thank you cards, that’s husband forte (comes from a card family). It would also have felt awkward for me at the time to call someone I’ve never met, for a gift I never asked for, for something I never told them about so left it to DH. If they thought me rude for not doing more, oh well.

Its just basic manners to say thank you for a transaction between humans. The op has gone to a lot of effort for another human being, NOT AN INANIMATE OBJECT, so a simple thank you would be the minimum transaction that I would expect and I suspect most people on here would, if they were being honest. And everytime I have given to charity, the person receiving the donation has said thank you. I would consider it rude if I lugged a few bags into a charity shop, for a worker not to acknowledge my existence with a basic thank you.
Her657844 · 26/11/2021 10:06

Maybe they didn’t want it all ? After you gave the first bag did you ask if they wanted anymore ? Maybe they don’t have anywhere to put it and there annoyed ?

PermanentlyTired03 · 26/11/2021 10:18

@BornIn78

I got sick of people foisting their unwanted baby clothes and items onto me when I was pregnant, as if they were doing me a huge favour.

Did you ask if they actually wanted the stuff or needed it?

^this! I got some given some good stuff (said thanks and gave thank you gifts), but I was loaded with a car seat (no base), dirty old bouncer, loads of broken/dirty toys that couldn't be cleaned, stained clothes from one 'friend'. Didn't want any of it. She laughed and said 'it's yours now'! It was during lockdown and she was moving 100miles away so I couldn't even dump it back on her.
twiceasnice222 · 26/11/2021 10:19

This reminds me of my neighbour that gave me bags and bags of her daughters old clothes (a lot of them grubby and smelly) when I had my daughter. Got to the point where I'd hide in the house if she knocked at the door as I couldn't face it. I felt like a dumping ground for her old crap. Didn't even ask if I wanted it.

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2021 10:39

Its just basic manners to say thank you for a transaction between humans.
The op has gone to a lot of effort for another human being, NOT AN INANIMATE OBJECT, so a simple thank you would be the minimum transaction that I would expect and I suspect most people on here would, if they were being honest.
And everytime I have given to charity, the person receiving the donation has said thank you. I would consider it rude if I lugged a few bags into a charity shop, for a worker not to acknowledge my existence with a basic thank you.

I did say she should have received a thanks if you read my earlier post. I also think you’re being rude by saying if people are honest with themselves they would expect a thanks. Not all of us are so hung up on receiving a thank you especially if it is something we’re already getting rid of anyway. I’ve had some people say thank you, some people don’t, I’m not that fussed because such a thing isn’t that much of a bother to me that I’m going to reduce to name-calling regardless of the effort I made for them which in such things would have been effort I had to do anyway.

Also, OP made all this effort wanting thanks which yes, she should have received however she also could have stopped giving these things if she didn’t like not being thanked, not continue to do it and then rant and name-call.

firstimemamma · 26/11/2021 10:45

It was rude of them not to say thank you but I think you gave too much.

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 10:48

*I did say she should have received a thanks if you read my earlier post. I also think you’re being rude by saying if people are honest with themselves they would expect a thanks. Not all of us are so hung up on receiving a thank you especially if it is something we’re already getting rid of anyway. I’ve had some people say thank you, some people don’t, I’m not that fussed because such a thing isn’t that much of a bother to me that I’m going to reduce to name-calling regardless of the effort I made for them which in such things would have been effort I had to do anyway.

I said most people, we've not all reached zen like levels of being unaffacted by other people's poor behaviour, that a lot of posters on this site seem to have attained.

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2021 10:54

I said most people, we've not all reached zen like levels of being unaffacted by other people's poor behaviour, that a lot of posters on this site seem to have attained.

Lol. It’s not about even being zen. For many of us, helping someone who needed help is good enough. There’s going to be a baby who is getting things they need which is more important to many than being thanked.

user1471604848 · 26/11/2021 11:04

After giving birth to my twins, I was very overwhelmed, so it took me 6 months to send out Thank You cards.
But then I made cards with photos of the babies, and wrote a personalized message to each person thanking them.
I hope they weren't calling me an "ignorant pig" in the meantime. (I had already texted/phoned thanks though).

Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 11:21

@phoenixrosehere

I said most people, we've not all reached zen like levels of being unaffacted by other people's poor behaviour, that a lot of posters on this site seem to have attained.

Lol. It’s not about even being zen. For many of us, helping someone who needed help is good enough. There’s going to be a baby who is getting things they need which is more important to many than being thanked.

You're obviously a much better human than me, as I would be pissed off at not so much as a kiss my arse, or thank you for all that effort.
Pigeoninthehouse · 26/11/2021 11:24

I hope they weren't calling me an "ignorant pig" in the meantime. (I had already texted/phoned thanks though).

Well you had thanked them by text and phoned them, the people the op is referring to haven't even done that.
It takes 1 minute to text thanks, that is all that the op is asking.

Bigoldhag · 26/11/2021 11:39

Can’t believe you call people pigs for not thanking you in the manner you expect (I’m sure they said thank you to whoever gave them to them at the time!) and them think they are the rude ones 🤣🤣

EezyOozy · 26/11/2021 11:43

Did they ask for stuff maybe once and then keep receiving an endless flow of bags for life and perhaps don't know how to say stop please ?

Ski4130 · 26/11/2021 11:44

You lost me when you called them ignorant pigs.

Yes, a thank you should have been offered, but reading your posts I wonder if you come across as badly in real life as you do via the written word, which would put me off getting in touch.

KeflavikAirport · 26/11/2021 12:14

OP have you considered sending them a card to say thankyou for freeing up space in your house and saving you a number of trips to the charity shop?

NearlyThereMum · 26/11/2021 14:38

@parietal

YABU

Why on earth did you give them so much stuff in the first place? When the boy said they wanted a few things, he probably imagined 4 babygrows and a playmat. Not 15 bags worth to sort through. It is a lot of work to sort & organise that kind of gift, and takes away all the joy of choosing your own baby things, even if that is only the value-packs from tesco.

don't offload your junk on people who haven't asked for it. Even if you think it is nice, they clearly don't.

They did ask for things
Gwegowygwiggs · 26/11/2021 15:02

You sound like a prize prat. According to you - you did it "to be nice".

No you didn't.

You did it because you wanted them to bend down and kiss your feet and tell everyone how lucky they were to be given such amazing, new expensive stuff. Oh wow how wonderful this family are for giving us all this stuff. Thank you thank you, a million times thank you.

What fucking difference does it make whether you got a thank you or not? Get a grip, and a hobby while you're at it.