To think my fiancé is being unrealistic about parenting?

[pinkdaffodils90]

So I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years, engaged for 2 (postponed due to covid, fingers crossed for next summer) and for the last few years we have talked about moving out of Oxford so we can afford a bigger house and start a family. We’ve always agreed that we only wanted one and that we definitely weren’t ready yet, but as the years have gone on I still haven’t felt ready and have been more and more put off the idea. There’s a few reasons for this-

1. My fiancé has BPD which is largely under control, but does flare up under stress- the upheaval of moving house last year was the closest we’ve ever come to breaking up. Sleep deprivation is also a big trigger for this.

1. We both really enjoy our own space and spending time on separate hobbies. Our perfect weekend (and what we do most Saturdays) is brunch together, then separate afternoons doing our own thing before coming back together for a film and glass of wine in the evening. I know this wouldn’t be possible if we had a child, we’d both have to give up a lot of our independence, and I really don’t want to.

1. We both get stressed when our ‘to-do’ list gets too long in our free time. We both have high pressure jobs with long hours, so our evenings and weekends are precious. I can’t imagine having to constantly worry about childcare, the school run, spending weekends ferrying them back and forth to clubs etc. He just keeps saying ‘we’d manage, people do’ but I don’t think he’s really considering how much of a change it would be.

I don’t seem to be able to get through to him that I have genuine concerns about how we’d manage and how happy it would make us, he just thinks I’m doubting my abilities. I’m sure I’d be a good mum if I wanted to be one, but I don’t. He keeps talking about wanting to take them camping and on bike rides and give his parents a grandchild to spoil, and I think he’s hyper focused on those idealised moments and not the actual reality.

We have a wonderful relationship and I absolutely adore him, I can’t imagine my life without him, but this is really starting to cause a problem. I don’t want to let him down, but I really don’t think he’s got a clear head about this. I wonder if it’s his biological clock? He’s 42 and I’m 31.

I suppose I’m mostly just venting, but any advice would be very welcome.

@user1471519931

I agree with you - I have a 6 & 3 year old. So far zero camping trips, hardly any moments of teaching kids to ride bikes...95% hard work and repetitive drudgery...

Teaching kids to ride is more of the same, it isn't a fond recollection at all for me.

That sounds like a positive outcome OP. Hopefully he meant it and isn't hoping you'll change your mind.

Thank you all :)

I really don’t think he’s expecting me to change my mind, he was shocked I had the impression that it might be a dealbreaker for him. Obviously somewhere in the last few weeks our communication has gone askew, so that’s good to be aware of and work on.

I absolutely understand what he means by the pang of sadness, I think I’ll feel it sometimes too. I love fussing over babies and small children, and I like the idea of having adult children and that family life in my future, but I know I don’t actually want the full-time reality of parenting. I’m sure I’ll still ooh and aww over cute babies in prams, especially this time of year when they’re all wrapped up!

Trust your instincts. Being a parent is stressful. Add that to high pressure jobs = recipe for disaster. I personally would not want to pass BPD genes on to the next generation.

I think you might change your mind, OP, I honestly do.

I was happy with my two girls - done, dusted, definitely no more. Then divorced and my 'new' DP (been together 6 years!) doesn't have any children. He knew it was a no-go area for me, I made it clear from the start, but about a year ago he confided that he desperately wants a child, but he knew my thoughts and respected them.

A year on, I find myself longing for another. This has come very slowly and I can't express how much I DID NOT want more children. They're a lot older and I have my figure back, I get plenty of sleep, I get to do what I want, etc - but I'd trade it all in to have another baby. I'm not sure if this will be a reality for us - they can't get my coil out and I also have BPD - I'm heavily medicated and will remain so throughout my life.

Anyway, maybe don't shut the door on this one firmly just yet.

Ps. Previous bf to this one had 4 kids and was DEFINITELY done.....he got together with a woman who didn't have any and wanted one - they ended up having one.

This is all anecdotal, obviously, but as I say, things may change.

Pps. So glad you've found a resolution so far xx

Ah, I'm glad you're communicating better now. Keep on talking and I hope it works out well for you both.

I think the age difference might play a big role in this too. He is 42, maybe he feels this is his last chance as later he wont have the physical abilities to take care of a child.

@dutchessmom

I think the age difference might play a big role in this too. He is 42, maybe he feels this is his last chance as later he wont have the physical abilities to take care of a child.

Possibly. He’s a very fit 42, he runs 2 marathons a year and cycles everywhere, but he’s definitely aware of his age and does talk about worrying he’ll lose his fitness. So that could have been part of the wobble.

All has been well for the last couple of days, though. The topic hasn’t come up since our talk on Saturday, we’ve just been enjoying each other’s company. Thanks everyone :)

I don't know why I suddenly remembered writing this thread over two years ago (I can't remember my login details so signed in on a different account) but it popped into my head so I did a search for it. I just wanted to add an update here, in case it's useful to anyone in a similar situation, that fiancé is now my husband and we remain happily childfree by choice. Now I just need the in-laws to accept it and all shall be well! 😅

Thank you for updating OP! I posted on your thread two years ago and it's great to hear a happy ending.

I agree with a lot of what you have said. However, you have plenty of time to change your mind but most importantly remember you will LOVE your child with a passion you have never felt before. Things that seem important now will feel less so such as losing your Saturday afternoon doing hobbies as after a week at work, you will probably relish spending quality time with the little one. I'm sad to see so many MN members so resentful of being there for their kids. It's a very small part of your life and actually deciding not to have kids is a much bigger decision than having them. Your child will grow up and move away so you will only have, say, 20 years of active parenting but a decision to be childless is for ever. Plus, do you not want to make your partner happy? My heart melted whenever my DH held our son and even now he is grown up I love seeing them together. Yes, we've had tough times but the biggest issue here is you thinking you will resent DC if DH doesn't pull his weight, and you may, but you will also love DC so much! I'd recommend you not visit MN as frankly it is toxic and anti men and sometimes anti kids. If it were Dadsnet it would be shut down due to inciting hate and if men talked about women like MN talk about men it would be classed as so misogynistic advertisers would refuse to invest in the site. Motherhood is really not that bad and remember most people do it more than once!

'that fiancé is now my husband and we remain happily childfree by choice. Now I just need the in-laws to accept it and all shall be well! '

Good for you @pinkdaffodils90 . That's so great to hear 😊 it's really none of anybody's business, including your in laws. I hope they're not openly giving you a hard time about it

Oooh love a long term update!

Happy for you and your husband op.

Did not realise it was an update

So what you are doing here is saying your choice is overall the right choice and denying other people’s experience and their wherewithal to make correct decisions for themselves. What you are also doing is encouraging a woman to sacrifice her own happiness, based on what she knows about herself (again, assuming you know better), for the happiness of her partner.

I am glad parenting has been a good choice for you, but I don't think I agree with a lot of your post. Having a child definitely seems a much bigger decision than not having one. You don't stop being a parent once they move out, my parents certainly haven't. And that's assuming you have a healthy child who is able to be independent, there's no guarantee.

I don't think any of the responses I got two years ago were resentful or anti-men. I love my husband very much, he's wonderful, and if he believed that having children was a must for him then I would have accepted the heartbreak and let him go. Fortunately I didn't have to :)

So you're simultaneously judging people for not enjoying parenting and encouraging someone who isn't sure about it to have a child?