To think my fiancé is being unrealistic about parenting?

[pinkdaffodils90]

So I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years, engaged for 2 (postponed due to covid, fingers crossed for next summer) and for the last few years we have talked about moving out of Oxford so we can afford a bigger house and start a family. We’ve always agreed that we only wanted one and that we definitely weren’t ready yet, but as the years have gone on I still haven’t felt ready and have been more and more put off the idea. There’s a few reasons for this-

1. My fiancé has BPD which is largely under control, but does flare up under stress- the upheaval of moving house last year was the closest we’ve ever come to breaking up. Sleep deprivation is also a big trigger for this.

1. We both really enjoy our own space and spending time on separate hobbies. Our perfect weekend (and what we do most Saturdays) is brunch together, then separate afternoons doing our own thing before coming back together for a film and glass of wine in the evening. I know this wouldn’t be possible if we had a child, we’d both have to give up a lot of our independence, and I really don’t want to.

1. We both get stressed when our ‘to-do’ list gets too long in our free time. We both have high pressure jobs with long hours, so our evenings and weekends are precious. I can’t imagine having to constantly worry about childcare, the school run, spending weekends ferrying them back and forth to clubs etc. He just keeps saying ‘we’d manage, people do’ but I don’t think he’s really considering how much of a change it would be.

I don’t seem to be able to get through to him that I have genuine concerns about how we’d manage and how happy it would make us, he just thinks I’m doubting my abilities. I’m sure I’d be a good mum if I wanted to be one, but I don’t. He keeps talking about wanting to take them camping and on bike rides and give his parents a grandchild to spoil, and I think he’s hyper focused on those idealised moments and not the actual reality.

We have a wonderful relationship and I absolutely adore him, I can’t imagine my life without him, but this is really starting to cause a problem. I don’t want to let him down, but I really don’t think he’s got a clear head about this. I wonder if it’s his biological clock? He’s 42 and I’m 31.

I suppose I’m mostly just venting, but any advice would be very welcome.

You arent compatible.

If you really dont want a child thats absolutely fine but you need to tell him. Dont string him along on that score, dont marry him in the knowledge that he wants to be a father but you don't want to be a mother.

You've already judged him as unfit to be a father due to BPD anyway and thats sad.

@DeeCeeCherry

You arent compatible.

If you really dont want a child thats absolutely fine but you need to tell him. Dont string him along on that score, dont marry him in the knowledge that he wants to be a father but you don't want to be a mother.

You've already judged him as unfit to be a father due to BPD anyway and thats sad.

I have told him, many many many times.

I haven’t judged him to be unfit as a father, I think he’d be a wonderful father in some ways, but I don’t believe he’s considering how many changes he’d have to make to his life, which has been carefully curated to support his illness, and how he might find that difficult to cope with. This is the man I’ve shared my life with for 5 years, I know and love him.

I just wanted to congratulate you, OP, for being sensible and realistic, honest and brave.
It's an uplifting change from the weekly heartrending threads about people who had several children before realising they didn't want the huge, lifelong commitment of being a parent.

@CoalTit

I just wanted to congratulate you, OP, for being sensible and realistic, honest and brave. It's an uplifting change from the weekly heartrending threads about people who had several children before realising they didn't want the huge, lifelong commitment of being a parent.

Absolutely this. You sound sensible and lovely OP

You need to make him understand - tell him point blank that at no time in the future do you, or will you, want to be a mother. You can't marry him with him hoping you will change your mind.

'It's an uplifting change from the weekly heartrending threads about people who had several children before realising they didn't want the huge, lifelong commitment of being a parent.'

Well said

Although we've still had the bloody "you'll change your mind because hormones"

I really do get it. I look at people who have endless kids and think "what was wrong with the ones you already had? Why another one?", or people who get into 50k debt for IVF and think "why??". In fact my secret dream has always been to find out I'm infertile - it would be a blessed relief! But when you've never had that urge (in fact, I seem to have the opposite urge, to avoid kids and their shrieking voices as much as possible) you can't really understand it. When you don't want something, it's really easy to think of dozens of clever reasons and justifications why. But when you really want something, you'd do anything to make it happen, even if circumstances are crap. If he has that urge you can't really logic it out of him.

“I’m sure I’d be a good mum if I wanted to be one, but I don’t.”

From your OP.

You have repeated that on this thread over and over and you looks like you have in RL as well.

You know what you want but it seems so difficult that your needs are being minimised and invalidated by others.

It seems that you have made an incredible amount of sacrifices for this man - orchestrating your whole life and limiting your social life to meet his needs. That’s all fine it’s your choice but it’s more than enough.

I wonder if you feel that your needs are not being met or respected - that your wishes are not being heard by him?

Maybe say it publicly to others in his earshot - his parents / your parents?

You don’t sound compatible. I’d cut your losses now.

OP,

I also think he is both manipulative and utterly dismissive of what you have told him.

You don't want children.

Leave him off.

You will survive and thrive.

He is not the only person for you.

You do so much mothering of him, there is absolutely no way that you would not be having to put his needs ahead of a child.

pinkdaffodils90
I have told him, many many many times

You may well have - but you're still with him. You havent walked away you're just on repeat. Safe to say as you're still with him he'll have at least some hope that you'll change your mind and have a child with him.

I mean I'm sure you're buoyed up by posters slating your man and congratulating you. But on the many threads here by women who want a child but DP doesnt, the advice given is always not compatible/leave.

If you want the man but dont want a child yet you know he does, staying is just false hope.

You know he will keep asking, you're setting yourself up for that but maybe you know why it's somehow worth it.

His feelings are as valid as yours. & he'd 'get it' if you moved on so you could each find someone compatible.

@TractorAndHeadphones I was trying to say, maybe clumsily, that he might see no children as a deal breaker, whether that's a rational choice for him might not matter. A lot of choices people make are driven by emotions rather than logic. You can't argue the emotion away. Also that he may have weighed the risks and decided for him it was a risk taking, doesn't mean OP should take that risk, or he's right, but if he's made his mind up that it will be fine, all the logic in the world might not change it.

Yes, I always expected to do the major share with DC, but I didn't realise realise the risk I was taking with stbxh, I thought we'd share the load to some extent.

It’s all good!

I wanted to give him the letter calmly, I kept it really short and to the point like so many of you suggested, saying I didn’t want a baby and I didn’t think that would change, and I loved him enough to let him go and be happy with someone else if that’s what he wanted. I didn’t say anything about his mental health. But I was so wound up I was basically sobbing as I handed it over, so obviously he wanted to talk about what was wrong.

Long story short, he was really shocked I was so upset and apologised a lot, he said he hadn’t joined in with the conversations about having a baby seriously because he hadn’t realised it was such a big deal (which seems a bit daft to me, but fine) and he didn’t realise he’d given the impression that he really wanted a baby. He said he thinks he’ll always feel a pang of sadness if he doesn’t end up being a dad, but it’s not something he’s desperate for and he definitely doesn’t want to leave me over it.

He cooked me dinner and we’ve been snuggled on the sofa watching Strictly and fingers crossed all is well and I can breathe again :)

Thank you to everyone who was kind and listened to my panicked ranting, I’ve been in such a state and it’s really helped.

well done OP and congratulations on your upcoming wedding xx

So relieved for you OP. Well done for confronting the issue head on. Must be an enormous load off your mind x

I always thought that I wanted children at some point, just “not yet”. Then my friend stayed for a week with her 3 year old and 18 month old, I then realised I didn’t want them at all 😂.

I enjoy lie ins, holidays and nights out too much. I’m too selfish to have children, and I’m happy to admit that.

Oh good outcome OP! Phew!!

I agree with you - I have a 6 & 3 year old. So far zero camping trips, hardly any moments of teaching kids to ride bikes...95% hard work and repetitive drudgery...

Oh phew!

Give him space to think it through properly and come to terms if need be. But he may have just assumed he wanted kids - so many blokes I dated before DH 'saw themselves' having kids, without wanting to take any steps towards achieving it. Like the vague ambition to build their own home I also ran into more than once.

In some specific non-practical ways, having kids is the easy option. You know* what the rest of your life will look like to a certain degree - there's a pattern of kids and grand kids and cheery faces round your fragrant deathbed etc etc.

Stepping to one side means you'll be taking your own decisions at each step - no automatically upsizing your home till empty nest and downsize, no taking time out of work for high maintenance ages and stages, no falling into a new social circle because you've all got babies/mini footballers/the same afternoon off every week. It's a blank slate that lots of people will envy you for while suggesting that you've missed out, and plenty of people won't even know they're doing it. But you're thoughtful, and careful, and I'm sure you'll navigate it well. Just be ready for readjustments every once in a while, as you and DP come to each fork in the road.

*It's not the easy option and no one can know how their kids(s) will turn out, but enough people get away with it for it to feel like a solid pattern

Oh I'm happy for you. It can be such a huge mismatch and I can't think of anything more heartbreaking. I've been with a new guy for only 6 months, but I was incredibly relieved when we addressed that issue and I found he didn't want children. I've had mine, he has had his and now I want my life back. The thought of returning to babyhood is not a nice one. He was incredibly relieved too!

Well done OP, that’s a great outcome!

I don't want to be depressing, but this is my similar story. I was with a man who said he used to think always wanted children. I was very clear I didn't, and never would, but he assured me that it was OK and he was over it. After a while, I moved all the way across the country, away from my friends and family, to be with him.

Four years later, his friend had a baby and, lo and behold, he became broody again (not that he would have been a great father as he was far too self-centered). He then manufactured a massive argument and that was that. I had to rapidly find new accommodation as it was his house (I had been helping with the mortgage), and I had forged a career closer to where we lived than where I was brought up

I''m glad all is good.

He may get broody and I guess when he does you take it as a cue to talk about the sadness at not having fantasy children - because that's what humans want the good bits. Far healthier to acknowledge that yes the good bits would have been fantastic.

I was also going to recommend having a couple of pre-schoolers stay for a weekend- may help reality hit home when that broodiness surfaces periodically.

So glad for you OP.