Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

The poor child, between you leaving him there and hearing people talk about him, he must feel like crap. His friends regularly see him being left there without pickup, that's not nice for the child. Sort your childcare and stop making excuses. Don't get in touch with school, if you hadn't such bad childcare in place they wouldnt need to be saying anything.

This can’t be for real???

Are you on time the other days OP? Or “only” 5/10/15 min late?

I have been as late as you describe twice in 8 years. Once for an emergency dentist appointment (broken tooth), once when we had an assessment interview at a secondary school for DS and I knew traffic could end up bad (it was). Both times was pre-authorised by the school, they knew in advance that I was very likely to be late and they had arrangements in place. I was still beyond apologetic for the hassle I caused.

And with the secondary school assessment, I offered to take DD with me but the school came back and said they’d rather she was in school an additional 30/40 min than miss 5-6 hours.

OP, you need to put your focus on your lateness, not complaining about people talking about your lateness.

The school has been doing you loads of favours by providing free childcare.
They are going to be rather miffed every time you're so very late.

I'm not surprised that staff are muttering things, unprofessional though it is.

By all means, complain to the school but be prepared for the school to become tougher with you too.

You say you're sorry and feel bad about being late but don't seem to have found a solution.
I strongly suggest that you do before your Local Authority is called in by your school's Family Liaison Officer.

They’re presumably hoping to embarrass you into turning up on time as you clearly have no respect for them at all.

What's a hall aide?

It is very unprofessional of them to speak this way in front of your son. Poor kid - already feels like his Mum hasn't prioritised collecting him and then has to listen to others complaining about you.

I suggest that you do not complain to the school until you can also tell them you will not be late for your son again.

Plenty of people have to juggle work/traffic/childcare.

You are right in that technically they shouldn’t be saying these things to him, but you absolutely should not be putting them in this situation. I would be amazed at you had the audacity to complain about this when your own behaviour has been unbelievably bad. You also don’t seem to accept responsibility for it blaming your supervisor, your replacement and traffic. You are to blame as you don’t have appropriate childcare in place knowing this happens.

Does your school have an after school club? You could just pay to use that and then you wouldn't have a problem. And would make it less stressful for everyone. The staff probably have somewhere to be as well

In the nicest way OP (and as a single mother who had to juggle school pick up and work commitments) you are not taking full responsibility if you haven't put a solution in place for days when this happens. If you know it's a regular occurrence then you need a plan B that you trigger as soon as you know you're going to be late.

The staff are doing you a massive favour by looking after your son, probably at their own cost, so complaining about them is really not appropriate when the situation could have been avoided if you had a contingency plan in place.

I appreciate it can be difficult but there must be another arrangement you can come to that won't leave your son in this position again? Lots of good suggestions upthread.

I think you have bigger issues. I’m surprised social services aren’t involved. This is a level of neglect. I have collected my dc late (less than 20 minutes) on 2 occasions in 10 years. Once when a friend was supposed to collect and forgot so I had to race there and the other time there was an accident outside the car park at work so I couldn’t get my car out. You need a childminder or to alter your/dh’s hours.

@LethargicActress

Maybe instead of emailing to criticise the staff that have been doing you a favour, you could email to thank them and maybe offer payment to cover the time that they’ve been doing free emergency childcare for you.

Absolutely this!
No words really.
How is your time more important than the hall aides'?

@QueenofLouisiana

I doubt that they’d have said that the first time, even by the fourth time it would be unlikely. By the seventh time in a term they may well be at the end of their patience. Probably they are talking to each other, while providing you with free childcare rather than going home, and your child is overhearing this.

We’d be billing you £7 a time for the childcare provision.

The correct response here is to be thankful that someone is willing to keep your child safe when you are running incredibly late- yet again.

£7 is so cheap for unpredicted childcare!

Are you in the States OP (based on your use of hall aide)?

I'm in the States, and I've been reading this thread trying to figure out what a hall aide is. Some schools have hall monitors, but those are usually other kids not adults.

@readingismycardio

One of my best friends is a kindergarden teacher. She always leaves at least 30 mins late because of the parents who are late. These people have lives too, and they don't owe you 40 minutes every 8 days.

My sister-in-law is a school secretary, and it's the same for her. She said they call children's services if the parent is more than 30 minutes late, multiplie times.

I used to work with someone like this. She was chronically disorganised at work (which is one reason she doesn't work where I work anymore), and would be 30-60 minutes late picking up her DD at least one day every week. She had a really blase attitude to it, as well. Just said it was hard being a parent and people should give her a break. I don't know how SS didn't get involved with it all.

The person you should be complaining to is your own manager if it is really the case that your 'relief' is being so consistently late that this is happening so often. No amount of being very very apologetic makes up for the fact that school staff are having to work unpaid overtime because you haven't bothered to organise adequate wrap-around care for your child.

The staff aren't saying these things, your child is. He is telling you how unloved and worthless you make him feel. He doesn't feel able to tell you these are his own feelings because he knows you will dismiss them, but by putting them in the mouths of staff he gets his message across without any risk of a backlash from you.

You need to get your shit together.
Childminder or an after school club. You can't just rockbup 40 minutes late and get arsey with the staff.

Consider yourself lucky you haven't been referred to social services yet, this is a massive red flag for neglect. It's what my sons school would do.

Your poor son.

Your poor son

You need a childminder

He will be really stressed about this

I can't believe you've been late so many times and not pulled in for a meeting

I would have safe guarding concerns as a teacher for your son

You honestly think the school should provide an hour of free unplanned childcare?

Sort yourself out

I feel so sorry for your child

Your son is probably upset because you're late, not because of what they are saying. They are probably sympathising with him to try and make him feel better and reassure him that they aren't cross with him.

I can't believe you think being apologetic excuses being late all the time. I'm gobsmacked 🤣

The person you should be complaining to is your own manager if it is really the case that your 'relief' is being so consistently late that this is happening so often. No amount of beingvery very apologeticmakes up for the fact that school staff are having to work unpaid overtime because you haven't bothered to organise adequate wrap-around care for your child.

I reckon the 'relief' probably got late once and OP is using that as a blanket excuse for all the times she's been late to pick her son up. If she can't blame the "relief" then she'll blame the traffic. Everything is always everyone else's fault, but hey, at least she's very apologetic and waiting for the school to address things.

Yabu. I think you'll be skating on thin ice complaining to school. Teachers have other stuff to do after school. TA's and Admin staff have set hours and wouldn't get paid. Being late once you can get away with but knowing that you can't leave work until your relief arrives means there's a chance every day you'll be late. It is your responsibility to be there on time or put proper childcare in place. Your child will hate the fact every day there's the possibility you'll not be there on time. Arrange for a childminder to collect it book your child into after school care. You'll probably only need one session but it will give you some breathing space and your child will get a snack and playtime rather than waiting for you.

Out of interest, you have said 7 times 30 - 40 minutes late since September, how many other times have you been late by 5 - 10 minutes in this period?

I wondered this myself - also OP said "about 7 times" (my italics), which probably means 10 or more

Anyway, expect the thread to go because of "privacy concerns" in 3...2...1...

@RKid

They shouldn’t be talking about you like that to or in front of your child, I’d speak to the school about it for sure.

But defo arrange alternative pick up arrangements too

This x

If this is true then you need to arrange a childminder. You are taking the piss out of the school big time.

They are wrong to make your son feel bad for something he has no control over, that is just awful and I would complain because it's completely unprofessional. But YOU have control over it, if you were really concerned about it you would have put something in place in case you can't make it. Being over half an hour late nearly every week is not good enough. You are using them as free after school child care and don't even see the problem with saying you are sorry and then doing it again the following week. You're not sorry or you wouldn't keep doing it. Really you are so entitled it's just astounding.