Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

Difficult - of course they shouldn't make him feel bad BUT you can't just turn up when you feel like it, there's a finish time for a reason. You need to pay for childcare or adjust your working hours.

You are 30-40 minutes late every other week?

Surprised the school hasnt been in contact with you

They are being unreasonable but christ, you need to book him into some sort of after school care

I’d have a word with the school as your son shouldn’t be able to over hear these conversations
I really wouldn't. He's only in that position because she's up to 40 minutes late, on an almost weekly basis.
Any steps taken to mediate aren't actually working, so are completely irrelevant.

In reality you are very very late if it’s 30 to 40 minutes and approx ince a week

And you say kids plural so that’s more than one someone has to keep an eye on

Why can’t you use after school club or something so you can collect slightly later than kick out time with no issues

But yes the hall aides shouldn’t be saying anything, but then if you complained as HT I would be asking what plans you are putting in place to ensure that staff who have other duties than to provide free childcare to your kids can do those duties as you wouldnt be late so often

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old
So arrange a childminder to pick him up 🤷🏻‍♀️ He shouldn't be there.

Just get yourself there on time.

I think it's guilt talking because really you know this is your fault. You need to sort yourself out OP, for your son's sake.

Are you in the States OP (based on your use of hall aide)?

In my kids’ (UK) primary school the staff badmouthing you would be the least of your problems. They’d be put in after school club as a one off (which you’d have to pay for) and if it happened repeatedly you’d be told to arrange after school care. Completely unpredictable events happen but 7 times since September means you need childcare. It’s not fair on the staff and it’s also not fair on your kids.

You need to get proper after school childcare like most other working parents do.

School staff probably have their own children to collect and stuff to do. They are not your personal baby sitters.

5-10 mins is one thing, but 40 mins late, almost weekly?? That's completely unacceptable.
Do you really think it's a good idea, to complain about people staying late to look after your son, when it's your fault they're there??

You've apologised but done nothing to solve the problem.

I wouldn't be surprised if they are talking to your son to gauge how he feels about if and to see if he is providing a consistent reason why you are so late. If so, this is going on a safeguarding concern log for your child.

Whilst I don’t think they should say anything to your son about it, you do need to address this issue with being delayed. You can’t help the traffic, that much is true- but you should have factored the travel time to and from work into your arrangements. Now, extreme delays (e.g. after an accident causing road closure) as a one off is one thing- regulatly being late because you haven’t allowed enough time when factoring in your timetable is quite another. If the issue is actually that you can’t leave on time on occasions- I.e. if you did leave on time that you would be at school to collect your son on time- then you need address that specifically with your employer. Why is your relief frequently being late and what steps are they taking to ensure you leave on time? Can you either agree with work about non-negotiable finishing time which leaves you enough time to get to school even if traffic is bad (which I’m aware is very unlikely to be possible); you see if you can alter start/finish times (again probably not likely to be agreed, I imagine); or you find alternative childcare to step in if needed, though perhaps on a routine basis may be easier to find. If none of those are feasible, then you need to see if you can find suitable alternative employment (again, aware that may not be easy, or even possible).

What you are doing is totally unfair to the school staff who have to stay until you arrive. How do you know that you are not causing them issues with childcare or other arrangements, such as caring responsibilities? Are you surprised that they are a bit peeved that every few weeks you keep them back by 30-40 minutes- the apologies must seem pretty empty due to the frequency of repetition. We aren’t talking a few minutes, but very significant lateness. The school are there to educate your child, not provide a childcare service. You need to find a way to sort it out.

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it.

The following is not taking full responsibility:

but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident.

I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

That you would cause this situation, repeatedly and shamelessly, then have the brass neck to complain about anything!! I would imagine the adults were trying to comfort your poor children and acknowledge that it’s not nice for them.

@JurgensCakeBaby

You need to put in place proper after school childcare seven times in just over two months is almost once a week

This

They aides shouldn't be saying anything so inappropriate in front of your kids...

...but you shouldn't be giving them cause to make these remarks. 7 times since September is actually really bad, we aren't even at the end of term yet! School isn't childcare and you need to get a back up plan in place if you are going to be unreliable at picking them up on time.

Even without staff making faux sympathetic comments it's a really horrible feeling to be picked up late from school.

Please please sort your lateness out. My mum was constantly late to school and I still have terrible memories. I was brought up in the 70s so I was left to literally wait alone outside school. No one looked put for me. It s given me a massive complex about being later anywhere and I cannot cope if I am. The thought of being late for one of my children makes me feel physically ill.

You are leaving your DS with bad memories. Don't. Grow up and engage a child minder or after school club.

@DgfaMummy

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

Well we're addressing it with you directly so the school doesn't need to.

Leave to pick him up 40 minutes earlier, or arrange childcare.

If it happens that often, it's not unexpected - it's entirely predictable.

You need to take responsibility for your child. If you did this, you wouldn't have this issue, so that solves your concern about the staff talking about you.

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

Accepting responsibility and being apologetic really doesn't cut it. The point is that it shouldn't be happening - there is no reason whatsoever why school staff should provide you with free childcare. It's not as if you couldn't avoid the problem by paying for after school care.

At my children's school, they would put the child in the after-school club and charge you for it. If it happened persistently, they would consider involving social services.

30 or 40 minutes late 7 times in 2 months??

Sorry but that's a hell of a lot of free childcare. I'd be fuming if I was a member of staff.

They shouldn't be bad mouthing you but you should be more worried about finding a permanent solution to not letting your child down so often. It must be horribly embarrassing for him each time.

You need to sort it before you put him off going to school at all.

You’re taking the piss. That level of lateness that regularly is not on. I have been that late once in 4 years of nursery and that was because of major travel disruption. I brought the nursery ladies that stayed a bottle of wine each and apologised. Because I didn’t make a habit of it I wasn’t fined and they have been understanding re the odd times I’ve been held up by a few mins etc. the staff will be thinking you’re majorly flakey and will be annoyed with you. You do need to put in childcare arrangements as you can’t be relied upon to get back. You may not like what they’ve said to your son but they’re not wrong.

Surely your first post should be: “Am I a CF in getting the school to provide free childcare after school?”

So the staff have stayed back working, to mind your son almost an extra school day!!! I'm sure they wouldn't even be paid for this time! Your apologies mean absolutely nothing and you are not doing anything to correct or prevent it again.

And you want to complain! I agree, they shouldn't be bad mouthing you, but I too would have serious safeguarding concerns and would be trying to explore more about his home life and if things are 'ok'? 30-40mins each time, and in only 2 mths. This is surely a fake thread.

No, again, I’m sorry. It might not be the most professional behaviour from the support staff but you are the one putting your child in the position where they are hanging around for a long time after school regularly and as mentioned, above, that isn’t right.