Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

One of my best friends is a kindergarden teacher. She always leaves at least 30 mins late because of the parents who are late. These people have lives too, and they don't owe you 40 minutes every 8 days.

How you can think that 40 minutes is ok is staggering. Sort that.

The OP is not asking whether she is being unreasonable to be late. She knows there is an issue.

As an aside OP, is there not another parent who can take your DC for 30 mins if you are late? It's all very well people saying use paid childcare but it's not always affordable or available.

However, staff taking it out on the kid, making passive aggressive little comments and sly little digs.. that's not on. I can't believe people think that's ok.

You're barking up the wrong tree. Focus on the real problem, ie that you've failed to put appropriate childcare in place. M
School is not a babysitting service. Find a babysitting service.

You need to put in place after school care you do realise staff do not get paid after the bell rings and pay is awful for classroom assistants and hall staff anyhow YABVU

@THisbackwithavengeance

The OP is not asking whether she is being unreasonable to be late. She knows there is an issue.

As an aside OP, is there not another parent who can take your DC for 30 mins if you are late? It's all very well people saying use paid childcare but it's not always affordable or available.

However, staff taking it out on the kid, making passive aggressive little comments and sly little digs.. that's not on. I can't believe people think that's ok.

The fact is that whilst Op says she knows it's her fault she seems to be failing to understand the domino effect of her not taking action to put something in place. Chances are that it's actually the child saying it and using the other adults as back up to get his mum to see how much it affects him. If the Op was paying for childcare she'd no doubt make sure she was on time. I think that suggesting getting another parent to offer free childcare is dodgy ground too when you see multiple threads about CF and free childcare.

So, I have to leave my own child standing at the bus stop waiting for me, because you arrive 40 minutes late!
I feel for your child, because they will feel that you are not their priority.
Talk to the school. Explain the situation. See if they can offer advice or suggest an after school or local Mum who could be paid to help you. But you will need to pay. You need to sort this out so that your child isn't being put into this situation.

@THisbackwithavengeance

The OP is not asking whether she is being unreasonable to be late. She knows there is an issue.

As an aside OP, is there not another parent who can take your DC for 30 mins if you are late? It's all very well people saying use paid childcare but it's not always affordable or available.

However, staff taking it out on the kid, making passive aggressive little comments and sly little digs.. that's not on. I can't believe people think that's ok.

If it's not affordable OP needs to arrange with work to leave early, not just leave the kid at school. They aren't making any attempt to put things in place for when they're late, other than it isn't their fault. It's not great he's overheard it, i doubt they said it to his face, I'd be very surprised if they had.

Your son is trying to tell you how you are making him feel.

If / when the school talk to you about it directly, what is your plan?

Wow. You really need to sort your childcare out.

They shouldn't be talking about it to your child, but they are probably frustrated the situation keeps happening. I am very surprised that the school hasn't called a meeting with you to discuss your lateness. You are probably preventing staff leaving on time, they might be doing unpaid overtime. I think you would be extremely cheeky to complain. Just make sure you're not late or arrange proper childcare so no one has the opportunity to moan about you being late.

At our school, there wouldn't be anyone to supervise him for that length of time - teachers go into meetings or run clubs, and TAs go home. We would send him to the after school club and they would charge you for a full session at the emergency rate. If it happened regularly, it would be reported as a safeguarding concern.

You do know that when your son tells you this, he's really just begging you to be on time? Imagine his anxiety every day, not knowing if you'll pick up in time or not.

Everyone is a few minutes late sometimes but if you are that late, that often, then you need something in place.

I work so cannot be there at pick up. My husband works but sometimes can be there for pick up, sometimes he won’t make it on time. We pay for after school care every day to ensure our children are collected and are not left waiting. The after school care costs us a lot of money but it’s our responsibility to ensure arrangements are in place if we cannot guarantee to be there on time.
You are be so unreasonable. The school aides are correct to be fuming with you.

Yavu to be late by this much every week but nobody should talk to your son like that.

Are you always so bloody entitled?

The only one causing your son upset is you.

What time do you get to school if all goes well with your handover? Are you usually there with 20 mins to spare, but just sometimes you are 40min late, in which case finding another parent who would be willing to occasionally (be paid to) pick up your child seems like a sensible solution. If you are generally flying in with a few mins to spare or a few mins late but sometimes very late then you need to either change you hours or get a childminder.

If your son is 9, how close is he to 10? If he is nearly 10 then maybe soon he can walk home alone if there might be someone home soon after he gets in. I would work on those skills with him too.

For all you know every time you are late they are forced to stay later unpaid, maybe they are then late for picking up their own child and then fined or charged extra. It is your problem to solve by putting something in place to stop it happening again.

No way would I stay at work late and abandon my child because someone else hadn’t turned up. My child would come first.

@JurgensCakeBaby

You need to put in place proper after school childcare seven times in just over two months is almost once a week

This but they are wrong to make comments about you to your son.

This isn't the UK is it? Being so late this regularly would have triggered safeguarding intervention by now surely.

School pick up times aren't negotiable, you commit to collecting the child,or make definite alternative arrangements.
The aides will feel sorry for your son, what message are you projecting? Must be horrible and humiliating for him to see ever other child happily waltz off with parents who do have their act together. If I was the aide I would be asking the school to intervene.

I would actually wonder how much of this I'd actually said by them and how much is being said in one way and relayed to you in another by your son. He is 9. More than old enough to know he is am inconvenience to those waiting with him without being directly told. I think he is probably embellishing some of these things a little and deliberately telling you so that you take a hint! It must be awful for him waiting for you like that and he wants you to do more than apologise.

I have the same issue with traffic. If I dont hit a certain road before a set time I am toast.

So I reduced my hours at work and arranged child care in school on the days I couldn't.

It’m not really seeing that the school staff are actually slagging you off.
They are sympathising with your child. Yes, poor him. Yes, it’s not fair that you’re leaving him at school all on his own. Yes, you always use traffic as an excuse (the other parents manage). Maybe they’re trying to find out what else is going on.
Think about how your child feels. I don’t see any concern from you about that.
Yesterday I was dismissing children from school and one boy was left behind with me and said ‘my mum’s always late’. I told him she wasn’t really late because it had only been five minutes and parents have a ten minute window to pick up. Kids feel it deeply. I’ve had parents, who are as late as you, just once, turning up in tears, scooping up their child and apologising profusely. They know how sad their child will have been.
They are concerned about your repeated lateness and lack of concern about it. It’s unusual behaviour from a parent. This will be recorded on the school system as a safeguarding issue. It’s neglect.

of course they should not be bad mouthing you but you need to get child care in place, they are not your child care!

I find it really odd that in all of this your concern isn't for your DC but for your own reputation. It's your actions that are causing him harm and embarrassment but you're minimising and excusing your own behaviour while criticising the people who are looking after your child.
Do you not have any friends who could pick him up if you're going to be late?