Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Shocking behaviour of yours, Op. and you’re very obtuse to think that the staff probably just want to get home. Senior leadership won’t expect low paid support staff to stay much past their finish time to mind children who should have been collected on time. They will take on the job themselves. Which means the time it takes to babysit your child takes away from all the planning and prep that teachers put in after school pick up time. They certainly don’t just “go home” as you seem to think.

And even if they did ‘just go home’ why the bloody hell not! If it’s their home time they’ll be rightly ready to leave and get on with their own lives, not mind someone else’s child for free.

Although I agree they’re probably being held back from work and then arriving home even later. Very selfish and bizarre attitude, like you’re the only parent at the school who had to balance other things.

They’re probably just trying to make your kid feel better about the situation with the “poor kid” comments.

Also, if you chose to divorce your child’s father then who are you to complain about him not assisting on his time as that’s what you wanted. I’m also not sure why you put “his” in brackets as that’s exactly what it is and what you wanted - if he started showing up outside “his” time when you didn’t want his help I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like it.

Another thing - they’re not really ‘talking crap’ are they? They said ‘poor boy’ ‘your mum is always late to get you’ and ‘she just uses traffic as an excuse.’ The last one is a bit catty but the first two are just sympathetic. And while the last isnt kind, it isn’t untrue. It’s not because of traffic, it’s because you leave work late regularly and haven’t bothered putting anything in place for that.

How much have you paid them for their extra 3.5+ hours of work you've expected them to do privately for you?

What kind of job do you have that you can't leave till your relief gets there? Getting your children is more important and it is up to your supervisor to sort out cover.

Maybe the school staff need to get home to their own kids.

It's all very well accepting responsibility but that doesn't help the people looking after your c son, for free, in any way.

Do something about it: find someone who can pick your child up on time for you, pay for after school club, or leave work earlier

I can’t understand how you could dare to complain in your situation, I don’t think you realise that 30-40mins late 7 times in 3 months is A LOT. Nobody should make comments in front of your son but I’d be thinking the same thing!

Also, it could be that they think they are showing sympathy to your son rather than slag you off, albeit misplaced! I’m shocked you haven’t been pulled in about this though.

Your taking the piss and think you have the cheek to complain about them being unpaid childcare you should be embrassed. You need to sort this out. Your son must be so embrassed having to sit and wait 30/40 minutes.

Is there another Mum that you could have an arrangement with to collect your son if you are going to be late?

This is the sort of thing I arranged when my DD was at school. The other Mum and I both worked part-time and so we had an arrangement that if one of us wasn't there at end of school the other one would take the child home with us.

If this isn't possible is there an after school club that he could go to or even a local child minder that collects from the school already who maybe able to help you out.

The only other alternative is you speaking to work and see if you can sort something out so you can leave on time.

Whichever way you sort it out you really need to get some sort of arrangement in place as this isn't fair on everyone involved especially your son! I know that the one thing that used to stress my DD the most at school was if I was late picking her and no one else was there for her!!!

You are being late way too often no wonder they are pissed off. We get fined a dollar a minute at our after school care no matter what the reason for lateness. You need to put proper childcare in place to collect your child.

My work finishing time means I miss the end of school by 30 minutes. This costs me £13 in after school club fees per night.

They should not be talking to your child like that, but if you complain it will all come back on you.

Can I just call this thread being pulled because of privacy concerns

I think you are overreacting and you don't know the context of what was said. Since September you've stated you've been late on at least 7 occasions ranging from 30-40 minutes each time which is over 3.5hrs and most likely over 4hrs that is not acceptable and you should have sought alternative care for emergency pick ups after the first time you were late.

Just because you call to give forewarning that you'll be late doesn't then give you the right to do it multiple times. Those staff members who are then looking after your child cannot go home or complete the tasks they need to do before they can go home so it's completely understandable why they are frustrated and I'm sure your child is frustrated at the situation too.

You either need to source and put in place proper childcare provisions or find an alternative job that will allow you to finish on time. Do not blame the school or the staff for a situation that you can change yet one that is out of their control.

Being that late so often is terrible, I’m surprised the school haven’t complained to you or reported you. They’re no longer responsible for your child when school ends so they’ve been doing you a huge kindness looking after him.

Your work problems need sorting. Tell your manager you can’t stay late as your son is too young to be left alone, or cut your hours, or find a new job that has an earlier finish time or shorter commute.

Or book after school club/a childminder if you can’t guarantee you’ll be on time to pick up. You can’t be 30-40 minutes late regularly and expect school to be ok with it. Some schools would report as neglect.

It doesn’t make your son feel bad that the assistants are ‘talking bad’ about you.

It makes your son feel bad that you don’t turn up on time, putting him in that situation.

He’s telling you they criticise you because he agrees he’s a ‘poor kid’ and you always use traffic as an excuse. You’re putting him in a situation where he has to be pitied.

You either need to get after school childcare for an hour after school, or change your hours at work to finish earlier.

Blaming your boss and the traffic isn’t reasonable. It’s not 5-10 minutes once or twice. You are regularly extremely late to collect. Fix that and you don’t have a problem.

@DgfaMummy

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

You’re not accepting responsibility at all. If you had you would have put an alternative in place by now. Are you sure they are saying this to your child or is this what your poor child is saying because they are very upset and embarrassed by the situation?

Op, you have not accepted responsibility. If you had, you would have made alternate arrangements for pickup so this didn’t keep happening.

Being late for unpredictable traffic is something that should happen once in a blue moon. It’s for the complete shutdown of the roadway or an ice storm. It’s not traffic being a bit heavy or getting unlucky at the lights.

I've been moaned at for being 3 minutes late for after school club! I can't imagine turning up 40 minutes late and wanting to complain about them moaning! You are definitely in the wrong here. Just imagine how your child is feeling standing there waiting every time. It will be horrible for them

I’m a teacher and I pay for my children to be in after school club each day. I’d be mightily pissed if I was supervising your children (or someone else was) for free. If you’re regularly late you need to pay for childcare, like the rest of us do.

And if I’m late for after school club (even for a minute) it’s a £10 late fee.

@DgfaMummy

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

Wow! No, the reason they're complaining is they're pissed off, perhaps, considering you're a serial abuser of good faith at the school, they're hoping to Shane you into sorting your priorities out. If I were the head and you complained about something you brought upon yourself, my goodwill w kid start to tire very quickly. I've only been 40 minutes late once, and it was because the whole city come to a standstill and many people took 3-4 hours to do a 10 minUte journey. That's with 15 years of picking up from school, my child was terrified (he was 7 at the time) he'd been forgotten, so sort yourself out - get an after school club space, get work to sort their shit out and stop with the excuses

Let's be honest, what they're saying isn't wrong. It's just that your son can hear it. You need to work out a better solution so your kid is picked up on time. If you can't pay for after school club everyday just in case.

@safclass

Are you 100% certain these things have been said to your son? I'm an ex early years teacher, and we had a little boy (6) who was regularly picked up late by his mum. HE would say similar things to us about his mum. HE was embarrassed and upset when she was late. It does bother kids that they are still there when everyone else has gone. HE would try and justify why she wasn't there. Maybe it's your son 'explaining' to you HIS feelings about why you can't be on time. Kids are not stupid.

That is what I thought when I read the OP.

I sympathise with you being unavoidably late due to your colleague being late. I would sometimes find I was delayed picking my children up due to work and couldn't do anything about it.

But I put things in place. I had an arrangement with a couple of mums of other children in the class that I could call them and they would scoop my kids up too. It probably happened every 3 or 4 weeks. In return I'd take their kids sometimes or I'd babysit sometimes.

Perhaps there's another parent you could ask for help?

Sorry- so basically pretty much twice a month, you expect the school staff to look after your child for 30-49 minutes and you're surprised they have an issue with that?! Organise after school care or someone that can take your son on short notice, and and a thank you gift for the hours they have watched your son, regularly.