Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

Yabvu

He's your son. You're taking the piss tbh
Put him in an after school club, get a childminder or something.

Those poor staff don't get 30 - 40 min overtime for your dc. And how do you know that then doesn't make them late to collect their own dc or something?

When my teen was younger there was always a lad, well 2 siblings but the one I knew was in his class. His dad was always late, the lads were always the last to he collected. Children's services ended up getting involved. Thankfully it eventually sorted but still not the point

If your child were reception or infant age I would support your AIBU to a point.
But, your child is much older and whilst you child is not responsible for your actions, perhaps the fact you're not enjoying what's being said to them might give you a boot up the arse. 5 mins late consistently isn't great. 30-40 mins frequently is a bloody piss take.
So, how about you recognise that the comments being made to your child are your fault.
I'm a full time working parent. I know how hard the school hours are. Welcome to the club.

Shocking behaviour of yours, Op. and you’re very obtuse to think that the staff probably just want to get home. Senior leadership won’t expect low paid support staff to stay much past their finish time to mind children who should have been collected on time. They will take on the job themselves. Which means the time it takes to babysit your child takes away from all the planning and prep that teachers put in after school pick up time. They certainly don’t just “go home” as you seem to think.

30 to 40 minutes late since September? And you're annoyed? I'd feel sorry for your son too.

Sort out a reliable way to get him home seeing as how you collecting him is not reliable. Or maybe considering asking other people how they manage to get to places on time what with dealing with traffic , and other things, like everyone has to.

Have you not considered the impact on the staff who have to stay over to look after your child, hence they then can not pick up their own children on time. It's a knock on effect.....
They should not be discussing the issue in front of your child, but addressing with yourself.
Occasional is understandable but it's a frequent expectation from yourself, which is unreasonable

It's unprofessional of the staff and feels really wrong that they would make your child feel uncomfortable like this however, I'm in agreement with the majority you need to arrange after school care.

Sure. Email and complain on Monday. I’m sure the staff will enjoy having their day brightened up. I can imagine the reaction. Let us know how it goes. 👍

Yabvu to be that late, and that often. Just not acceptable. You need to arrange childcare after school - CM, after school club that collects, after school nanny or whatever. School is not free after hours childcare

Yanbu to think they shouldn’t be saying this to your son. It’s not professional of them, although I’m sure they’re at the end of their tether. You are right that they should raise it with you instead.

Wow I’d there no after school provision? You’re taking the p tbh.

it's not unexpected - it's entirely predictable.

This^^

Good grief

And maybe think about why are you clearly only concerned about them talking about you to your son but are unconcerned about being so late so often, seeing as you appear to think that alone of all the parents you don't actually need to do something about it, and worse, you are unconcerned about the effect your ridiculous level of lateness has on your son? ( Other than of course than being upset they're not talking nicely about you).

@DgfaMummy

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

Is your plan to just keep letting this happen over and over until someone calls you up on it?

I don't think they should be bad mouthing you to him at all but
you also have to take responsibility for putting your child in the position where someone may say something to him because you haven't tackled this on-going issue.

You really have no choice but to address it with the school because you can't have them saying bad things to your son, but at the same time you're going to have to come up with a solution!

The first time it happened, fair enough, we can all have emergencies that hold us up.
The second time, not good, surely time to put something in place to stop it happening again.
The third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh time completely unacceptable.

Then you want to complain to the school about those who are forced to stay behind to look after your son, probably because you don’t want anything said to him on the eight, ninth or tenth time you are late.
You are completely taking the piss op, not just 5 - 10 minutes late a couple of times, but 30 - 40 minutes nearly once a week. Please have some respect for those who are being majorly inconvenienced, by having to themselves stay late to look after your son, and get some after school care organised, then everyone can be happy.

@DgfaMummy Out of interest, you have said 7 times 30 - 40 minutes late since September, how many other times have you been late by 5 - 10 minutes in this period?

If this is genuinely because your relief is being late, take it up with your employer. I know there are many jobs you can’t leave until someone takes over from you, so I can have some sympathy with that, however your supervisor should step in to let you leave on time. Perhaps if your supervisor is inconvenienced they may take action against your relief, to stop her being late!

You're focusing on the entirely wrong thing.

I don't know how many kids are in the school, but can you imagine the effect if even 1% of parents are 30-40 minutes late as often as you are? It's genuinely unheard of in my experience, for a parent to behave like you.

If your commute risks you being late, then you arrange for a consider to pick up your DC and have them for an hour every day. That way your DC has the security of knowing that someone will reliably be there at the end of school, and you won't have to rush and panic. And yes, the staff can get away in time to pick up their own kids and/or not have to do unpaid overtime, not knowing when your going to turn up.

If you were a parent at my school, the second time you were that late for your child, the head would meet you and tell you that if it happens again, social services will be called.

In my entire having career of forty years, I have never known a parent be as late as you, as often as you. In fact I've only once known a parent be as late as you (other than in a real emergency like a car accident) and they only did it twice. It was a dad, who, like you, thought that as long as he's tried to be on time, we should all give him the benefit of the doubt and provide childcare. The threat of social services did the trick.

it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Ever thought that YOU are making your kid upset as he doesn't know where you are and when you'll get there? He's probably worried sick that you've been in a accident or something. He can't rely on you, and must feel incredibly insecure.

The hall aides are the least of his problems in this situation which is entirely of your making. Get childcare for him.

Are you 100% certain these things have been said to your son? I'm an ex early years teacher, and we had a little boy (6) who was regularly picked up late by his mum.
HE would say similar things to us about his mum. HE was embarrassed and upset when she was late. It does bother kids that they are still there when everyone else has gone. HE would try and justify why she wasn't there.
Maybe it's your son 'explaining' to you HIS feelings about why you can't be on time. Kids are not stupid.

Like PP if you are more than 15 minutes late and dont answer your phone, your child gets put into afterschool club, which you have to pay for in our school

The one and only time (I remember) my mum being late, the school called the police to sort it out, so it might happen to you

The hall aides are being unprofessional and shouldn't be making comments like that in front of him. Despite your abysmal lack of respect for them they should be able to hold in any comments until there are only other school staff there. However, because you are so very, very far from being reasonable in the arrangements you've made for pick up I think that a complaint to the school about the hall aides would quite possibly backfire as it would likely bring down more official focus on your neglect.

I'd also bet money that your son is far more upset about not being picked up than about the aides voicing what everyone is thinking, even if he won't say that to you.

I doubt that they’d have said that the first time, even by the fourth time it would be unlikely. By the seventh time in a term they may well be at the end of their patience. Probably they are talking to each other, while providing you with free childcare rather than going home, and your child is overhearing this.

We’d be billing you £7 a time for the childcare provision.

The correct response here is to be thankful that someone is willing to keep your child safe when you are running incredibly late- yet again.

If you are going to complain about anything then you have to have ‘clean hands’ and you haven’t.

This can't be real.

I'd think twice about complaining; the school might ask you to find another school closer to your place of work, from where you can collect him more easily.
Why is your relief late arriving? Maybe your relief is being held up by somebody else's poor timekeeping.
One school I taught up got so exasperated with "regulars" that they would ensure the child's safety by taking them to the local social services office, or if that was closed, the police station. Either way, welfare concerns would be raised.
My final school had after-school care, for which parents were charged. and one child was actually heard to say to the teacher on duty, "Mummy doesn't really want me to go to after-school club". And I, as the teacher overdue at a staff meeting, simply said, "Mummy needs to collect you on time, then!"
I notice that your son is 9 years old. How long has this been going on?

You need to be punctual. We all do. It's the way society works. They have their own family commitments.

There’s an easy way to stop it - stop using the school as unpaid childcare. They aren’t there to watch your child for 30/40 minutes at the end of the working day. Pay for a childminder or after school club to collect your child like everyone else has to or explain to work that overtime will no longer be a possibility.

Would you be happy if you showed up and the teacher wasn’t there to let your child in, arriving 40 minutes late? I know it would set your day back, but these things happen right?

Just don’t let it happen again. It’s no wonder the aides are pissed off. Why on earth would you think this is even the slightest bit acceptable? What if every parent did it, should they just stay late and offer free after school childcare daily?