Complain to School or Not

[DgfaMummy]

There are sometimes that I'm late to pick up my kids from school due to traffic and the fact that I can't leave work until my relief gets there. I always call the school to let them know I'm running late and give them a time I should be there. Since September, I estimate I was late about 7 times, each time about 30-40 minutes.

My 9yo son tells me the hall aides always complain about me to him. There are about 3 of them who will stand around him and just talk crap. They say things such as "poor kid", "your mum is always late to get you", "she always uses traffic as an excuse", and other statements. This has happened each time I was running late and it makes my son upset because they're talking bad about me.

Now, I fully accept blame for being late but things happen and I can't fly over the traffic nor can I speed and risk an accident. The times it does happen, I'm very very apologetic. I understand they want to go home, I really do and I feel bad about being late but traffic is out of my control and I can't force my supervisor to let me leave early.

I want to speak to the school about the hall aides talking about me to my son. I don't think it's their place. If there's a problem with me being late, the principal and/or teachers can request a meeting with me to speak about it. I just don't think anyone should be bad mouthing me to the kids. Follow whatever procedure that's in place to address late parents.

My husband who is their stepdad does drive to get them when he can but often times he can't go. Their bio dad will not assist when it's not "his" time with the kids.

So, aibu to want to complain to the school? Do I have a valid complaint about the hall aides or do I need to get over it? Give it to me straight! I plan on emailing them on Monday.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

I agree with this, it’s very unprofessional and unkind on your child.

I think the staff have probably made one comment, or your son’s overheard, and is using this to tell you you’re embarrassing him.
As I say to my 9 year old, being sorry isn’t worth much unless you do something about it - you ‘accept full responsibility’ but it happens almost once a week! Accepting responsibility doesn’t just mean saying it, it means you do something about it.

Fwiw, I’ve been late to pick my son up once in 5 years - my childminder was at a funeral and I forgot - I was absolutely mortified, he was sat in the office with the office staff who wanted to go home. How you can allow this to happen 7 times in 2 months is insane.

You are choosing to leave your child with unpaid babysitters that you dont know in an informal setting with no contract. It is your choice. If you dont like the outcome then change what you are doing.

I'm not usually one to quote the Bible but it's such a clear illustration of this:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

I have three children, one in a school across town and two close to our home and we're never late picking them up as we're organised. We adjusted our working hours which yes I know not everyone can do but we have no family here to help and won't rely on others for the children we decided to have. The aids should not complain about you in front of your son who must be so sad and sick of this. School day is a long day and he has to stand around waiting for you, what if every parent did that, terribly unfair. How do you manage in school holidays. Find another way, you're rude for doing this to him and the staff.

You say you want them to address it with you directly, but what would be the point? You clearly have no intention of doing anything about it.
Go on, complain, if it was my school we’d enjoy the laugh:
Dear School, I wish to complain about my frequent outrageous lateness that I’m not going to address in any way 🤣🤣🤣

Definitely complain about their unprofessional and horrible behaviour to your child but you do need to sort out someone who can pick your son up on time.

You’re deflecting, sort your shit out

You are taking the piss op. Don't you think the staff have things to do, their own children to pick up and meetings to attend? You are being selfish and entitled. Sort out child care for your child . School isn't there for this.

I am properly gobsmacked at your sheer gall OP!!

YOU want to complain??? Are you actually serious?? 😱

As another poster has already said...SORT YOUR SHIT OUT!!

You are so out of order here!!

I have once been half an hour late in my sons six years of primary school when there was a misunderstanding between me and the childminder on which days she was doing and I was mortified. My son had a nice time with the teacher but had been really worried. I bought the teacher a huge box of chocolates to say sorry. I know it's a bit unprofessional but I'm not surprised at all school are moaning about this and you're very lucky they've not reported it as neglect - I would definitely not try and piss them off and you need to organise after school childcare if it's happening more than once

Maybe they shouldn't complain but as someone who works in a school, this either meant I was late collecting my own children which I didn't get paid for but would be charged extra by my childcare.

You need to sort your childcare.

I am sceptical that the things are being said in the way you are interpreting them.

Children feel really anxious when they are late to be picked up from school. They worry something has happened to their parents or that no one will ever come to get them. So I might easily say something like ‘poor you, x, but don’t worry, mummy is late sometimes and she’s always come before. She’ll be here soon’ or ‘oh I expect the traffic is bad, mummy does say traffic is a problem doesn’t she?’.

They’re not lying in what they say either, are they? Perhaps reflect more on how your guilty conscience is causing you to lash out at people who, let’s face it, are doing you an ENORMOUS favour on a very regular basis.

This is one of the most CF things i have read on here. I am astounded that you even came on to post about such brass neck CF. It's ok because you're "apologetic" about being late?? Wow.
Put after school child care in place and complain if they continue to speak the truth bad mouth you and you get to know about it (which you won't because your child will be being looked after correctly and the school staff will be doing what they need to at the end of their day).

You need to sort out proper childcare if you’re that late that often. It’s not a one off unforeseen problem, it’s a regular issue.

If you picked up your child on time or had arranged childcare none of this would have happened. So the only one to blame is you.

My youngest sons school school charges £2.50 per 15mins that the parent it late. I’d be happy they aren’t charging you, I wouldn’t complain.

You are 40 minutes late weekly? I take it you are not in the UK. I don’t know a single teacher friend whose school would tolerate this. That is really awful for your son. Children just want to go home. Not sit bored out of their brains waiting for when their mum deems it suitable to collect them.

I find it difficult to believe that you're late 7 times by 30-40 mins and on time the rest of the times. Are you not ever 5-10 mins late? 10-15 mins late?

I think you maybe late a lot more but just not 30-40 mins late.

Stop them upsetting your child by putting in place something to stop it being a problem. After school care for example.

Your son must be feeling that too though OP. I think you arent in the UK which I suspect makes it harder but you do need to sort this out.

Is your relief late? Because talking to your supervisor about that surely is possible

Bear in mind that these employees are probably hourly paid and therefore probably NOT paid if they stay late to supervise and keep safe the child of a parent who clearly needs to get over herself, not expect others to work for free, and understand that she needs to change something in her or her partner's schedule in order to avoid further exploiting school employees and expecting them to provide what is, in effect, free childcare on what sounds like a fairly regular basis.

Doesn't it occur to her that these employees also have schedules and also have families and also probably need to be somewhere else?

Before slagging them off for being unprofessional, she should consider how responsible she is being herself. Clearly the plans she has in place are unrealistic and need to change as they break down under the slightest strain (e.g. 'traffic', which in most cities follows a fairly consistent pattern depending on the time of day).

@DgfaMummy

Thanks for everyone's brutal honesty!

Yes, as I stated in my OP, I accept full responsibility for being late. I'm not excusing it and am apologetic for it. I understand they want to go home and are rightly pissed. I understand that. I really do and I feel horrible about making my child late.

My issue is the talking about it to my 9 year old. Address it with me directly, not talk to my child about it. That's my issue. There are processes at the school and talking behind my back to my child isn't one of them I'm sure.

So they've had to stay late, free of charge about once a week. You're stopping them from going home, maybe collecting their own kids or just doing what they need to do in their own time.

You say you accept FULL responsibility but have done nothing about it!!!! You just carry on taking the piss out of these poor individuals - so self entitled.

You say to talk to you directly - I assume someone already has but you choose to just carry on. They're rightfully sick of providing you with free childcare.

Get your act together, sort out childcare and stop being self entitled and taking the piss. Geez - you're unreal!

It's really not good enough to say it's your fault and then expect understanding, get some bloody childcare like the rest of us! You're focussing on entirely the wrong thing here, stop being so self-absorbed.

I wouldn't email the school if I were you.

If you do, it will open the door to a response you won't like.

I think the school have been exceptionally kind not saying something officially to you (or your ds's father) yet.

I think if you email the school, their first thought would be 'how effing dare she?'

When my dds were at nursery, they charged £1 per minute you were late! But, as a result, no one was ever late!

Your poor child being left unsure what is happening for 30 or 40 minutes, then there is thr embarrassment, no child likes being left till last. The fact the school have said something to your child is probably more of a comfort than your behaviour. Stop it now, organise yourself if your lateness is so frequent as you say its nearly 1 day a week. That is too frequent you need to find thr pattern and organise childcare.

Think of how your child feels from your behaviour before running around placing blame in the school who are stepping in to cover your disorganisation and lack of care for your own child.

Your son is old enough to accurately interpret sighs and be fully aware of how shit children feel when they have a flakey unreliable parent. He's probably just vocalising his own feelings about the situation. Get childcare, sort your hours out. Sort your partner's hours out. Take responsibility. You've been lucky to date. A lot of schools would have already alerted social services to your can't be fucked approach.