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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting teenage daughter along

281 replies

almahart · 24/11/2021 07:15

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 24/11/2021 22:16

I think it’s the way the friend has gone about it that seems very off….she didn’t ask if OP would mind DD joining them, she just assumed it would be fine when it’s not.

OP I would rearrange meeting your friend and go to the show with someone else, so you don’t miss out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/11/2021 22:20

Sorry but you sound the churlish one here.

Is the problem that she has invited her own daughter along? Or that you will have to say to her in person that you don't want her daughter to be there (AKA makes you look a bit crap).

Nothing wrong with suggesting another day/date as being adults only. But don't swerve it if you're not comfortable with being honest with her.

MichelleScarn · 24/11/2021 22:44

How is op churlish? It really annoys me when someone unilaterally decides to change the purpose of an event.
I wonder how ops friend would like op then invited a whole load of other people along.

MichelleScarn · 24/11/2021 22:44

If op then invited..

MoreAloneTime · 25/11/2021 06:14

I think what some are missing is that many people don't have endless time and opportunity to meet some of their friends due to distance or schedule. If this is a friend you're seeing once a week you can choose to suck it up and arrange a one on one later. If it could be months or longer for the next meet you don't want to waste it with an awkward tag along.

And yeah it's really odd. I'm very close with my own DM and we went out a lot. It would never have occurred to me to be brought along when she met with friends.

julieca · 25/11/2021 13:35

@Nanny0gg Even with a 30-minute interval, I always have to go to the toilet. And I don't think I have ever been to play with as long an interval as that. Usually 20 minutes or 25 max. By the time you get out, queue for the loos, and get back, there are about 5 - 10 mins max to talk. So no, not plenty of time to talk.
If it is literally going to see a play and zero drinks or any socialising before or afterwards, I would rather go by myself for the sake of 5-10 minutes chat.

julieca · 25/11/2021 13:36

@conceptionisdraining she is assuming drinks, which is what I would assume as well.

Pat123dev · 25/11/2021 17:30

Be honest, this happened to me, but I was the one who'd misjudged and invited my son,
My friend just said to me, she was hoping it would be a girly trip and we'd arrange something else to include the boys another time.

I was totally fine and understood, no problems

cherish123 · 25/11/2021 17:32

Just be honest. She's a bit insensitive to think you'd be okay with it.

DarthVaderIsMyRealDaddy · 25/11/2021 17:41

Why don’t you give your friend a break? You have no idea what’s going on at her end - maybe the daughter is in some kind of trouble and needs something nice? Maybe the friend thought seeing you is a tonic they both need ? I dunno. I have a 14 year old who has been totally starved of sleepovers, trips to the theatre, visits, friends- it’s all incredible input, for their social welfare and development and to be honest I feel a bit shifty going out to do things and not taking her at the moment. I can see how this might have come about. You aren’t going to get deep and meaningful out of it - no,but would you really on a theatre date ? Personally I would suck it up and go as a threesome and enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

CloR86 · 25/11/2021 17:42

@UnsuitableHat

I wouldn’t like this, especially as it’s so long since you’ve seen your friend. It does shift the dynamic - 15 yo may be bored for example. So I might just allow a bit of surprise to be visible about the request - show I don’t think it’s exactly the norm. However, I’d suck it up and get her the ticket. Daughter may be keen to see the show. And you might have a v nice time together.
I agree with all of this.
SnozPoz · 25/11/2021 17:44

Is it because her DD wants to see the show or is there maybe something else going on? Like the daughter having a tough time with something? I'd buy the ticket and go along with it but also say to your friend that you'd also really like to spend some time just together for a proper catch up

StarCourt · 25/11/2021 17:45

I had to deal with this for a fair few years with my best friend for a number of reasons.
But she is my best friend and has been there for me many times.
So I sucked it up. We are still best friends

Ifrozethehoumous · 25/11/2021 17:48

It’s a bit annoying but just get the extra ticket and be done with it. If she does it again though, it might be time to make a point…

Fluffmum · 25/11/2021 17:52

If you really want to see the play just go with friends daughter in tow

lizz789 · 25/11/2021 17:52

Exactly!

lizz789 · 25/11/2021 17:52

💓

julieca · 25/11/2021 17:54

You know when some mums complain they get dropped by friends when having kids....

@DarthVaderIsMyRealDaddy and you have no idea what is going on OPs end either. But only one person is supposed to matter.

Mandyjack · 25/11/2021 17:56

The polite thing for her would've been to say do you mind if I bring my daughter, do you have a teenager you could also bring ? Or maybe the daughter could bring a friend and they sit together ?

Overthinkingx3 · 25/11/2021 17:56

She wants to go with her daughter - she can !
Say that’s lovely but you would not want to impose on such a night

Say you would have loved to see it but happy to meet her another time to catch up, just the two of you

She may decide that it’s not fair to bring her daughter and just do it with you

Either way, you’re honest but not sulking or calling the shots

DarthVaderIsMyRealDaddy · 25/11/2021 17:58

I’m not sure I understand your post Julie- but I think I’m saying there are two sides to the story, so maybe go with it and see the bigger picture. And be kind to each other.

What are you saying?

Polly345 · 25/11/2021 17:59

This happened to me and I let it happen.
My friend now thinks it's a 'treat' for me when she includes her daughter. She keeps trying to organise 'girls days' for the 3 of us. All that happens is friend chats to her daughter and I feel like a spare part.
So, like some of the posters above be honest. I think I would be inclined to go to the show by myself.

dontwannasaymyjob · 25/11/2021 18:00

I don't think OP is being "churlish" or any of the other things PPs have suggested

She bought tickets for her and her friend as that was the arrangement for their night out. Friend didn't ask if it was ok to bring along her teenage DD and it isn't, as OP says, it changes the evening entirely as she's arranged a childfree night and not invited her DCs either! Who would want a third wheel? I wouldn't want a partner to tag along either ..

So nope I don't think OP should "suck it up" I think she should be honest with her friend and say

"Hi sorry Friend, have booked tickets to play for us two already. Looking forward to childfree night with you. We can do a meet up with our DCs another time, when they can catch up too. Where shall we meet for the play- outside theatre at 7pm? Would be lovely to have a quick drink at Bar X afterwards, love Alma"

julieca · 25/11/2021 18:02

@DarthVaderIsMyRealDaddy I am saying that you said be kind to the DD as she may need this. But you have no idea what the OP needs and what she has been through. Maybe she has been through hard times and needs a friend to talk to and needs someone to be kind to her?
I only once when a very young adult took someone not invited to a meet up. When they went to the toilet my friend told me she had been raped a few days ago and really needed to talk.

Whatinthelord · 25/11/2021 18:02

Honestly I think your lack of assertiveness has made this more stressful than it needed to be. You could have responded telling her you were hoping for a grown up evening without kids. She’s probably blissfully unaware of having caused any issues.