Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

[dontwannasaymyjob]

That is a really good tip @Plumbuddle

[Deepfriedbrie]

Post-pandemic, my group of friends has met with families in tow and also had some women-only days/nights out. We are scattered around the country a bit and organising meet-ups is a challenge in itself so it’s been lovely meeting up more than we normally would have pre-pandemic. Completely different vibes when meeting up with and without children though and nobody would dream of bringing along children to our “friends-only” night out even though we like each others’ children. Hope you can still have a nice time, but I’d definitely be a bit bemused.

[whynotwhatknot]

I know youve already got her a ticket i would have pre4tended there wasnt 3 together personally

i have a friend who does this but with her son-its always oh he wants to see that or he doesnt like missing out

this ha been going on for years now -i dont mind going shopping or something when he wa slittle but hes 17 now and still comes out with us

i dont se her much anymore

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@rookiemere

I think the issue here is that OP regards the play as an opportunity to catch up with her friend, whereas the friend is viewing it mainly as a chance to see the play that her DD is also interested in watching.

Hence why I see the middle ground as agreeing that the three of them go to the play together and asking for another adult only meet.

I agree that the play muddies the waters.

It's really annoying and rude to bring your kids/partner to a catch up with friends, unless kids and partners were part of the deal from the start. Anyone who did this to me more than once wouldn't be my friend for very long.

However, because you're going to see a play, OP, your friend may be thinking that the evening is more about the play than the catch up, so that her daughter won't change the dynamic.

[Bleachmycloths]

I agree with posters who say just be honest - eg: I was hoping for an adult catch up. You have a nice evening with your daughter and we’ll have an adult catch up time later. If she doesn’t like it , tough. People should have enough sense to know that inviting other people completely changes the dynamics. Surely she should know that.
Eg:
A - let’s meet for coffee
B- great!
A - By the way I’m bringing my mother/ grandchild/lonely neighbour
B - fuck off! That’s not the idea!
Why don’t people get this?????

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Is the play popular? If seats are numbered and you can't get another one next to the two already booked, you could also find that you're sitting alone so the 15 year old can sit with her DM. Have you looked at the current seat availability?

[Fleshmechanic]

Bring another friend and then go for drinks with them before and after instead?

[appleturnovers]

I definitely agree with the PP who have said the friend probably just views the occasion as being more about the play. And if it's a play that the DD really does want to see (and isn't just coming along for the ride) then it really would be churlish to say no.

Personally, I'd say to the friend "I was really looking forward to having a good catch-up just the two of us, but maybe we can do that another time soon."

That way, if your friend catches your drift and thinks "actually yeah, sod DD, I want a catch up too!" then she can ditch DD, or if not then you can meet up another night soon just the two of you, and this time she'll know that that's the deal.

[Turkishangora]

I have a friend who always invites "extras" along. I've been blunt with her that if it's my arrangement then I'm not organising them too, if they turn up I usually stay for half an hour then go, of it's hers ditto. I've been very very explicit that my idea of hell is making small talk with people I don't know that well. Why the hell do people do this?!!

[RBunny]

Does anyone know what happened to Birdie Friend? You know, the badge that sees ghosts?

[almahart]

@Plumbuddle

Not RTFT but just the OP. My line is this. If you want to see the play and also want a heart to heart with this friend, say yes sure she can bring her daughter, could she pls book her ticket and your existing seats are xxx row and seat. Then meet for very short drink before, you have then not wasted too much time accommodating the daughter and can use the occasion to suggest to her a january date to catch up on the past couple years. That way you see the play you want to and the daughter just becomes a bit of background noise, whilst you save the intimacy for later.

Best post of the thread (not sarcastic). That's exactly what I've done (posted a billion pages back).

Pre-pandemic we would go to the theatre every couple of months and have an hour or so catch up over a glass of wine beforehand.

This time I'll potter about between work and the play and accept that things and people change and move on.Will I suggest that I book tickets to something again? Probably not.

[Eeyoresideyestigger]

I don't blame you @almahart

You can only do so much

It's a bit crap that your friend has invited her teen DD to a night out with unrelated friend

You can either say no thanks I want a children meet up or you can keep quiet, let friend organise extra ticket herself and not arrange anything with friend again

I'd be inclined to say to friend no thanks let's meet up kids together but not for this evening nor with kids thanks

[Harmonypuss]

If you don't want the child to go with you (I wouldn't), just tell her you can only get 2 seats together and the nearest available seat is 6 rows away.

[Londoncallingme]

I hate this. I have a dear friend who does it - and the daughter is a little diva who monopolises the conversation and is quite rude - she’s 17, I don’t want to go out with a rude 17yr old. Friend sits beaming with pride at how ‘mature’ she is when she’s being rude.

[CounsellorTroi]

@Harmonypuss

If you don't want the child to go with you (I wouldn't), just tell her you can only get 2 seats together and the nearest available seat is 6 rows away.

I bet the friend would say “that’s ok, daughter and I will have the two seats together and you can have the other seat”.

[ESGdance]

@Londoncallingme

I hate this. I have a dear friend who does it - and the daughter is a little diva who monopolises the conversation and is quite rude - she’s 17, I don’t want to go out with a rude 17yr old. Friend sits beaming with pride at how ‘mature’ she is when she’s being rude.

I have had this situation - it was toe-curling.

It happened only ONCE though. If it happens on repeat it’s down to you and you are inadvertently enabling it.

[CharityDingle]

@Londoncallingme

I hate this. I have a dear friend who does it - and the daughter is a little diva who monopolises the conversation and is quite rude - she’s 17, I don’t want to go out with a rude 17yr old. Friend sits beaming with pride at how ‘mature’ she is when she’s being rude.

Oh no, I wouldn't be going out with them again.

I wouldn't be rude about it, but I would be quite honest at the same time. Your friend is doing her daughter no favours. I would leave them to it.

[Strangeways19]

Wait, is she expecting you to foot the bill for both of them?

[DottyHarmer]

I agree with a pp that the sort of person who thinks nothing of including their dc or dh/dw when meeting with one other person is not the type to take kindly to being told No thank you.

You can try the "I thought it would just be us this time...." but if someone has decided that they must be superglued at all times to a family member, regardless of how others might feel, then you have to accept it and let the meet-ups trail off.

What I really don't understand is why some people think it's ok to bring another, when the person they're meeting is alone. And often not even informing them that they will be coming as a twosome! So rude.

[Harmonypuss]

@CounsellorTroi

^If you don't want the child to go with you (I wouldn't), just tell her you can only get 2 seats together and the nearest available seat is 6 rows away.

I bet the friend would say “that’s ok, daughter and I will have the two seats together and you can have the other seat”.^

In that case I'd tell her to go with her daughter because I've changed my mind.

[CharityDingle]

Plumbuddle - Not RTFT but just the OP. My line is this. If you want to see the play and also want a heart to heart with this friend, say yes sure she can bring her daughter, could she pls book her ticket and your existing seats are xxx row and seat. Then meet for very short drink before, you have then not wasted too much time accommodating the daughter and can use the occasion to suggest to her a january date to catch up on the past couple years. That way you see the play you want to and the daughter just becomes a bit of background noise, whilst you save the intimacy for later.

OP - Best post of the thread (not sarcastic). That's exactly what I've done (posted a billion pages back).

Good advice from Plumbuddle. Maybe I'm misreading OP's posts but that isn't really what she has done. She has decided to just have a quick drink before the show with friend and daughter. But friend now thinks, presumably, that this is fine, to bring her daughter along anytime.

[ThinWomansBrain]

theatre and drinks - not a cheap evening - I wouldn;t want to pay loads to have a teenager tagging along. I'd suggest she takes her daughter and the two of you catch up another time.
Unless you're one of those people that feels uncomfortable going to the theatre by themself; if it's something you want to see and wouldn'y go alone, go with teenager but make it clear you really don't want tagalong every time you meet up.

Last time a friend suggested this (not theatre, BLM protest), I really didn't mind, but mid 20s DS dropped out last minute in case we got arrested

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

This thread has really irritated me. You’re basically just going along with it snd then saying things like “will I bother to book a play again? Probably not etc”

How about actually being honest and explaining to your friend after this play with her daughter that you like to meet just you two for plays and when you’re out without children you want to be out without hers too. Why are people in this country so passive aggressive and weird about honest discussions. So annoying.

[Eeyoresideyestigger]

I agree justthere but would have put it more gently

Alma should feel she can be honest with her friend . As it is, she'll be avoiding her friend in future & needing to find another theatre friend , as she felt unable to say to hers 'nope sorry, not tor this time, I want a childfreenight'

[julieca]

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 I am not English. Although I agree with you in theory, in practice everyone hates it if you are honest. Its not the English way.