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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend inviting teenage daughter along

281 replies

almahart · 24/11/2021 07:15

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

OP posts:

howmanyways · 25/11/2021 18:05

Well I am in the same situation; suggested a trip to the theatre (short musical- no interval) with a friend, she said X would love to see that too ( X is 15) Lovely! I’ve bought Three tickets and am really looking forward to catching up with both of them.
I hope she isn’t on here or else she’ll think I’m moaning about her!

DarthVaderIsMyRealDaddy · 25/11/2021 18:07

Julie - things that happened once to you or me don’t make a general rule of thumb though. I’m guessing if OP had something urgent to confide she might have either mentioned that in the post, or decided that a theatre trip wasn’t the best course of action.

I’m good to stick with my approach, see your friend, see the show, see the bigger picture, be kind.

Other advices are of course available.

Paganfreya1988 · 25/11/2021 18:09

To be honest looking at a different angle, what 15 year old would want to come anyway?

myrtleWilson · 25/11/2021 18:11

If the daughter was having a tough time wouldn't have OPs friend have said something like "I am so looking forward to seeing you but we're going through quite a bit with Tabitha - am quite worried about her. Would you mind if she joined us to see the play. I know it won't be the adult chat we normally have but am really struggling" rather than "can you get Tabitha a ticket too as she's coming along"

E17Stowmum · 25/11/2021 18:13

Why all this subtefuge? Fibs just get bigger and store up stuff for the future when you get found out. Just say you'd rather not and stick to the arrangement.
If you want to see her daughter suggest something nice like tea one day.

ferrybevytwat · 25/11/2021 18:15

Can't you say 'ah ! We can't talk about our husbands and rude things then ! Why don't you guys go and we can have a catch up another time when you're free ?'

Melroses · 25/11/2021 18:17

I used to go along to the theatre with my mum and her best friend at that age. We used to see all the plays in the autumn season every year.

It is one of the best things I remember

bleachedgusset · 25/11/2021 18:21

Maybe drink a lot, get loud and talk about things she wouldn't want her 15 dd to hear. That'll learn her.

DaisyStiener · 25/11/2021 18:24

Does the DD really want to see the play? And get mums thought “well we’re going anyways and I’m not going twice?”
Tbh, i would’ve said : a dinner/lunch and drinks was a “grown up catch up” and not a social activity?

It’s annoying OP, but it sounds like you’ll just need to arrange another evening. But,yay, something else to look forward to! Enjoy the show !

MarbleQueen · 25/11/2021 18:26

I’d bow out saying you were looking forward to a child free night.

It’s rude and thoughtless.

Lei8133 · 25/11/2021 18:27

@almahart

It's annoying. This is a friend who I am fond of but who can be quite self absorbed. Has she said upfront let's all go together, or had organised and invited me that would be one thing but I feel a bit hijacked.

I have a LOT going on atm and am not massively in the mood to tiptoe around people or to compromise.

I would actually really like to see this play though

I’m that case, I would still go to the show as a threesome, but be honest when replying, saying something like “Ahh I was really hoping for a grown up catch up, just the two of us, but will be lovely to see you both. Let me know when you’re free to go for drinks, so i can fill you in properly” or along those lines. If you also want to see the show it seems silly that you miss out or that you all miss out because of this.

Smackthepony · 25/11/2021 18:29

Oh that’s a big NO from me. I hate it when people do this. No way in hell do I want to spend an evening with a 15 girl talking about TikTok videos, BTS or what ever other nonsense teenagers talk about. I agree with others that you need to say you want to speak to her about adult stuff so she should go with her daughter and you’ll catch up another time.

julieca · 25/11/2021 18:30

My social times with friends are precious and I would just stop seeing someone like this.

gogohm · 25/11/2021 18:31

It depends, perhaps they had already planned to see it. I wouldn't consider a 15 year old coming along a problem

WimpoleHat · 25/11/2021 18:35

I take my DD (who likes that sort of thing) along to things with my friends. BUT - I would not have done what the OP describes here. As OP says, had she said “DD and I are going - do you fancy coming?” that is one thing, but it’s off to invite her DD to an already agreed upon meet up. If the friend wants to take her DD, she should go another time with her.

Plumbuddle · 25/11/2021 18:38

Not RTFT but just the OP. My line is this. If you want to see the play and also want a heart to heart with this friend, say yes sure she can bring her daughter, could she pls book her ticket and your existing seats are xxx row and seat. Then meet for very short drink before, you have then not wasted too much time accommodating the daughter and can use the occasion to suggest to her a january date to catch up on the past couple years. That way you see the play you want to and the daughter just becomes a bit of background noise, whilst you save the intimacy for later.

Cameleongirl · 25/11/2021 18:38

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I think you have to be honest, you could lie and say something has come up meaning you can no longer make it but then that leaves her open to try to include her daughter when you try and rearrange.

Just say sorry, you didn’t realise she was planning to bring her daughter as you were hoping for a grown up catch up. I’d say maybe it’s best if her and her daughter arrange to go to the show together without you and you will rearrange to do something different with the friend just the two of you.

I think this is the good approach, but as you really want to see the play, perhaps say that you didn't realise she was planning to bring her daughter as you were hoping for a grown up catch up - but as she is, let's see the play and arrange a "grownups only" catchup for another time?

Plumbuddle · 25/11/2021 18:39

a bit off thread, but when people start inviting other people to activities for which I have got tix, I am not against this but I never take on secretarial responsibility for their guests. I just tell them the seat numbers and leave them to it. Prevents any later resentment with cancellations etc.

MzHz · 25/11/2021 18:40

@almahart

I've got kids!! I want to do something without them, or anyone else's

This is what you tell her then!

“Sorry friend, I want an adult outing after all the covid nonsense, no kids this time, maybe another time?”

Dnaltocs · 25/11/2021 18:40

I like the idea of saying you didn’t realise she was tied up and rearrange a get together for another time.

Cameleongirl · 25/11/2021 18:42

I totally get where you're coming from, OP, my meet-ups with my friends are always assumed to be teenager-free unless the instigator specifically states that it's for adults and children. We've also gone to performances and sat separately - teens together, adult friends several rows away.

me4real · 25/11/2021 18:43

Let her know that you were more hoping for a catch up with her.

WTAFhappened123 · 25/11/2021 18:46

Why do parents think everyone wants to spend their precious social time with their kids?! I’d say you were hoping for a catch up just you two!

Cameleongirl · 25/11/2021 18:49

@WTAFhappened123 Believe me, that's not the norm! I was out with friends last week for a Happy Hour (we're all Mums) and no one dreamed of bringing their teenagers or their partners along. It was our social time!

WimpoleHat · 25/11/2021 18:55

@Plumbuddle

That’s a really good tip, @Plumbuddle. I’m going to adopt that approach too. The “can you get a ticket for Susan?” and then Susan can’t come, leaving you with the bloody ticket is all too common….

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