Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

@TarasCrazyTiara any why not sons? If you were my friend I would bring them along.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

No the same doesn’t apply in reverse. Those are young women exploring their social world, Mum and OP have already done that and it looks like Mum (like many) now wants to include her daughter in her adult world sometimes (and probably wants this to be an ongoing thing). This is nothing unusual.
Unless Mum and OP are planning to go out and meet guys or talk about their hook ups or Mum wants to complain about her husband (which obviously she doesn’t or her daughter wouldn’t have been invited) then the daughter probably isn’t cramping her Mums style at all.

Mum is probably very happy to have her daughter along and doesn’t view it as “tagging along” or ruining her social life - it’s probably her optimal social life. Strange as it may seem, many Mothers enjoy spending time with their adult daughters and occasionally friends of their own age in the same social setting. Not always - but often.
Of course there are also other women who enjoy acting like they are still the daughters age and going clubbing etc. - but we’re talking about going to a play here not out to the clubs and getting shit faced with the girls.

OP doesn’t have to live this kind of life of have those kind of friendships if she doesn’t want to - but many, many women do want them and like having their adult daughters in their social lives.

@TarasCrazyTiara your post is full of what the mum wants, not what her friends would want.

@julieca

Most of her friend group probably are Mums and many probably feel similar. Happens all the time. If it’s not for OP then fine, but peoples family often becomes part of their mixed social circle if they get along well.

And we both know boys that age (or men) would be bored shitless listening to two girlfriends talk at length and there’s no point pretending otherwise.

[quote julieca]@TarasCrazyTiara your post is full of what the mum wants, not what her friends would want.[/quote]
Exactly! The mum can want to spend every waking second with her daughter (what an awful idea but whatever) but if she wishes to interact with people outside of her own household in a normal way, then social convention would be firmly in the OP's camp. @TarasCrazyTiara has some very strange ideas about how people operate. I can only assume her best friends are her mum and daughter.

I'm close to my two teenagers but I simply wouldn't invite them along if I was seeing a friend. No matter how mature they are, it totally changes the dynamic and it feels rude not to engage the teenager in conversation so you end up chatting about totally different things. Which is fine in a larger setting with adults and kids, but, for me, totally inappropriate to foist on two adults catching up. And yes, I like chatting to other people's teenagers.

@RAFHercules

Are you absolutely sure that this friend doesn't see you as someone who is quite needy ( you said you have a LOT on your plate at the moment) and is bringing her daughter along to keep the conversation light and avoid having to counsel you?

I'm not saying this is the case at all, it's just the only scenario I can imagine that I might drag a 15year old along (other than the 15yr old cant be trusted to be left alone).

Absolutely positive. We haven't met since pre pandemic days, I've got friends to whom I am much closer but we would have lots to update each other on that isn't suitable for teenagers

I clearly need to spend less time with my teenagers, now I've reread my overuse of "totally".... oh well, I least I didn't add "like" every third word

@TarasCrazyTiara why should you assume what sons would enjoy? One of my sons would enjoy this.

Tara, that may be normal in your weird circle.

It's absolutely not in rl.

@TarasCrazyTiara or do you have a stereotypical idea of what women talk about? So it would all be make up and clothes?

It is normal to have some family get together with close friends where whole families get together, as well as separate. But in those cases you don't get to dictate which family is acceptable i.e. daughters and not sons.

It just makes things awkward doesn't it - I've had people do this kind of thing to me with random friends who I don't know. It just changes the dynamic completely.

I honestly would say they should go alone and we'd meet up another time, unless you are really desperate to see this play, in which case I'd go and then get another date with friend booked in.

@julieca

I’m not dictating it, so you might as well stop with the pointless “gotcha you sexist, how dare you say most boys didn’t want to listen to their mother and female friends conversations” comments because I don’t care.
It’s quite normal for adult daughters to be in their Mothers social circle to an extent outside of whole family get togethers and it’s fine if only one younger family member is there. That’s life for many people. You do you, there’s no reason for you to be offended by a lot of people liking to do this.

@TarasCrazyTiara It really si not normal. I have never come across it outside of MN.

@TarasCrazyTiara is it only you who does this with friends, or do other friends bring along their teenage daughters as well?

@julieca

I believe you haven’t come across it but it’s quite normal for adult daughters to be friends with their Mothers and occasionally do lunch/dinner or go out with them and a friend. It’s really nothing to be startled by.

You don’t have to do it and neither does OP. You both get to choose your friends but it’s something many people do and others have no problem with. Unless the topic is family related and about the daughters family a lot of people are quite comfortable conversing with their daughters and vice versa.

In a large group it might on occasion be ok to bring an older dd, but when it’s meeting one friend bringing anybody is rude, as it makes it two vs. one. And when it’s two family members, that of course is worse.

@DottyHarmer

As opposed to a 1 vs 1? Where both have an equal chance at winning the catch up?

I was the kid who was brought to everything my parents did with their friends, from the age of 9 or so. It was kind of showcasing how amazing they were (what was going on behind closed doors was anything but). Not saying your friend is doing that, OP, but it was absolutely tedious for me as a kid and undoubtedly even worse for the adults. I certainly do not have a comfy girly relationship with my mum now because of it, either!

@TarasCrazyTiara dont pretend this is about whether we are all happy conversing with our teenagers or not.
i will ask again - is it just you who does this with your friendship group, or do other friends bring their teenage daughters along as well.

Personally, I enjoy spending time with my teenagers, but I am a mum, not a friend. My job is to guide them towards adult life, it is different from a friend relationship.

@julieca

Lol, forcefully asked but I don’t think I’ll answer, I know my rights under law.
OP asked for opinions - I gave mine, that I thought it was reasonable for her friend to bring her DD and told why and that I’ve seen it within my social circle.

If that is so triggering to you that’s weird but not my problem.

@julieca

And once they have been successfully “guided toward adult life”? If they don’t need you because their living adult life and you aren’t their friend?
Seriously why does not bother you that some women have friend type relationships (to a point) with their grown up daughters?

@TarasCrazyTiara is not at all triggering.
Anyway, I think I can guess your answer from your silence.