Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

But no one is saying you can’t hang out with your dds @TarasCrazyTiara . I do plenty with my teen dd. BUT I do not announce she is coming to a pre-arranged meet-up with a friend. That is rude, whether she is your dd, your dm or the next-door-neighbour.

I think some people need a prop, as they are nervous of travelling alone, or attending social events. I’m not saying this is the case for the OP’s friend, nor is it any excuse, but it is the reason with some I know. Still rude though!

@almahart

I've got kids!! I want to do something without them, or anyone else's

This is your reason!

Just tell her you want a kid free night.

@DottyHarmer

Eh, I’ve had a friend do it and have done it. Honestly I wouldn’t care, there will be time to talk alone without DD at other times. If someone (or me) really needs to talk I would just say to come alone.

I think OP and her friend just have different friend expectations as do many people in the replies. Perhaps too different to be close friends.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

No the same doesn’t apply in reverse. Those are young women exploring their social world, Mum and OP have already done that and it looks like Mum (like many) now wants to include her daughter in her adult world sometimes (and probably wants this to be an ongoing thing). This is nothing unusual.
Unless Mum and OP are planning to go out and meet guys or talk about their hook ups or Mum wants to complain about her husband (which obviously she doesn’t or her daughter wouldn’t have been invited) then the daughter probably isn’t cramping her Mums style at all.

Mum is probably very happy to have her daughter along and doesn’t view it as “tagging along” or ruining her social life - it’s probably her optimal social life. Strange as it may seem, many Mothers enjoy spending time with their adult daughters and occasionally friends of their own age in the same social setting. Not always - but often.
Of course there are also other women who enjoy acting like they are still the daughters age and going clubbing etc. - but we’re talking about going to a play here not out to the clubs and getting shit faced with the girls.

OP doesn’t have to live this kind of life of have those kind of friendships if she doesn’t want to - but many, many women do want them and like having their adult daughters in their social lives.[/quote]
Fuck that. If I am having a kid free night I am not hanging around with some one else's. No chance.

My eldest is 25, we have lots of outings out but I would never expect another mum who has managed to get a child free night to spend it with my child.

Having your older daughter in your social circle sounds a bit 'Last in the summer wine'

Is the play a GCSE text? That might explain bringing a 15 year old along. I don't see the issue so much if you are going to the theatre.

But I would be annoyed if I were meeting a friend for a girlie chat and they wanted to bring their offspring with them.

@TarasCrazyTiara how do you know if there will be time to talk alone if others also do the same and bring their daughters?

@cookiemonster2468

If you want to see the play then go and see the play with your friend and her daughter.

Say to her afterwards that you'd like to arrange a catch up for just the two of you.

When people have kids these are just things you have to accept, the kids are a part of their life.

I say this as someone without kids myself but I am happy for friends to bring their children along to things we do together, because they are their children and kind of important!

If you don't want to hang out with the kids then just be explicit and say you want some adult time.

As a mother and grandmother I disagree. You mix your children with friends with children. I have always seen friends separately too.

Did you ask her to go for a drink aswell, or just the theatre? If she thought it was just theatre there wouldn’t be any issue with her daughter going as you’d be sitting without talking!

I agree that it will totally change the dynamic. Go anyway as you want to see the play and then arrange to meet a child free friend after without them, or bring another friend along x

Your friend is rude not to ask if you mind. However, if you make a point, I can’t see it going down well.

@BungleandGeorge

Did you ask her to go for a drink aswell, or just the theatre? If she thought it was just theatre there wouldn’t be any issue with her daughter going as you’d be sitting without talking!

Wouldnt most people think a drink was automatic? I wouldn't meet someone at a theatre, watch a play and then say buy straight after the play. It would be normal to have at least a short drink together.

OP I would go and buy a third ticket. But if it looked to be an ongoing thing I would just stop seeing her. I don't think talking to her about this will get you anywhere because someone who is so socially unaware is unlikely to respond well.

I do agree with you on this. I would go to the play but leave straight after and either explain to your friend your reasons or cool it with her. I am a big believer you are a mam 1st and a friend second. yes your social circles might sometimes must cross over but there is a clear line to your social life and your kids social life. And you are allowed time to spend with friends with out your children

Has she actually offered to pay for her daughters ticket @almahart? Not sure of the ticket cost for your play, however know some can be pricey!

You haven't seen her since before the pandemic, I think that entitles you to want an adult catch-up. The older I get the more straight talking I get. What you said at the beginning "I was really looking forward to an evening out having a proper catch up with you. Can we take DD another time?". If she insists honestly I wouldn't waste the money, let her buy two tickets and go with her daughter.

@TarasCrazyTiara - I think that it absolutely WOULD cramp many mums’ style, if a teenage girl was tagged onto an otherwise adult meet-up, in the same way as it would cramp the teenagers’ style if a random mum was brought along to a social gathering!

And even if you and your friends are in the sort of friendship group where it is normal for you to bring your teenage daughters along, if a friend has arranged a meet up with you, and you alone, it IS rude to add another person - any other person - to the invitation!

I understand ur frustration. I have a lovely friend who only has the one DD and she always does this . Her DD is lovely but it totally spoils the adult time . My friend always includes her DD which is lovely for the two of them to be so close but not for others who want time away from theirs.

@julieca no I think many people just meet for the show, if I go to the cinema I don’t automatically presume drinks either. Depends on the location and timings, whether you have kids to get back for I guess but it’s not a given in my experience. It wouldn’t worry me to have an extra tag along because a theatre trip isn’t very interactive anyway!

@BungleandGeorge if I was going with DP or kids no I wouldn't automatically go for a drink. If I was meeting someone then I always would. Otherwise, you barely have time to talk at all. You meet at the theatre, go in and get your seats. Then watch the play. Maybe a chance for a quick chat during the interval in between dashing to the toilet. Then leave at the end. You could easily talk for only 5-10 minutes in total. I think that is rude personally.

If I was literally just going to the theatre and nothing else, I wouldn't care who came along as long as they are quiet during the play. Because in reality it would make zero difference who was there and who was not.

@julieca there’s nothing rude about it. If your show starts at 7.30 many people would have to go home, change, sort kids out for babysitter and return and then have to leave fairly quickly afterwards. There’s usually at least a 30 minute interval and then time for a quick chat afterwards. If you want to go for a chat I’d expect another activity to be chosen. Surely most people have met at a cinema/ theatre and not spent ages having drinks/ chats prior?

[quote BungleandGeorge]@julieca there’s nothing rude about it. If your show starts at 7.30 many people would have to go home, change, sort kids out for babysitter and return and then have to leave fairly quickly afterwards. There’s usually at least a 30 minute interval and then time for a quick chat afterwards. If you want to go for a chat I’d expect another activity to be chosen. Surely most people have met at a cinema/ theatre and not spent ages having drinks/ chats prior?[/quote]
Nope.

Usually have dinner rather than drinks actually.

What's the dd being older have to do with it?

My ds is 17 and fabulous company - however I'd never bring him to adult friends catch ups. He's neither mine or their friend

Honestly - you arranged it, you want to see it, you need and want adult company - if she’s usually self absorbed then she won’t take it on board so I would arrange to take other friends instead.

I am not in the slightest interested in anyone else’s teenager in this dynamic - what a waste. If it were more kids from both families with parents then that’s totally different.

If you have the conversation gently and it’s not personal then her reaction will tell you how good a friend she is.

If it's theatre how much talking can there be thought? Does it really matter if someone else comes as you'll be sat in silence for the show anyway?

I'd understand if it was a meal or coffee, but I think you're being OTT