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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting teenage daughter along

281 replies

almahart · 24/11/2021 07:15

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

OP posts:
Pinksloth · 24/11/2021 07:49

*for her to be offended

CharityDingle · 24/11/2021 07:50

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal, When you meet her don't say anything about it, If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."
Grin I love it!
SarahBellam · 24/11/2021 07:51

‘Why don’t you go and see the show with your DD and we can have a grown up catch up another time. What date suits you?’

CharityDingle · 24/11/2021 07:54

@SarahBellam

‘Why don’t you go and see the show with your DD and we can have a grown up catch up another time. What date suits you?’
Exactly this.

And just go to see the show, whenever suits you, personally, as you have said it is one you want to see.

Caterinasballerinas · 24/11/2021 07:55

Ask if she could do a catch up just the two of you soon after as you have a lot going on and don’t think you or she would want her 15yo to hear about it. Then you can all go to the play if all of you are keen to see it but you’ve registered that this can’t really constitute the catch up.

Ponoka7 · 24/11/2021 07:57

"You can’t say just the two of you"

Yes you can. The OP wanted drinks afterwards, that now isn't going to happen. I know lots of men and have never known a man to insist on bringing their children along to an adult evening. This seems to be getting more common.
OP go alone, or tell her that you wanted a drink, change the evening and go with them if that's your only option, but be honest with her first.

Ducksurprise · 24/11/2021 07:59

@ImNotDancing

If the 15yo wants to go it seems a bit churlish to say no just because you don’t want her to. At 15 she’s capable of sitting through the show and joining in on sensible conversation- if it were a 3yo for example I would agree with you but the 15yo isn’t about to start screaming and running round during the show
But it's not the same, you would still have to censor topics, things you would feel comfortable talking to a old friend is no
Camembear · 24/11/2021 08:14

Be honest. “Do you mind if it’s just the two of us”

Your friend should understand.

cookiemonster2468 · 24/11/2021 08:23

If you want to see the play then go and see the play with your friend and her daughter.

Say to her afterwards that you'd like to arrange a catch up for just the two of you.

When people have kids these are just things you have to accept, the kids are a part of their life.

I say this as someone without kids myself but I am happy for friends to bring their children along to things we do together, because they are their children and kind of important!

If you don't want to hang out with the kids then just be explicit and say you want some adult time.

HappyMeal564 · 24/11/2021 08:26

Have you got someone else you can bring along too? Friend may rethink or even if she doesn't, you can be grown ups and friend can join in with her 15 year old

Original poster
almahart · 24/11/2021 08:27

I've got kids!! I want to do something without them, or anyone else's

OP posts:
Missey85 · 24/11/2021 08:28

YANBU to want adult company none wants a teen listening in on private conversations

CounsellorTroi · 24/11/2021 08:29

When people have kids these are just things you have to accept, the kids are a part of their life.

I say this as someone without kids myself but I am happy for friends to bring their children along to things we do together, because they are their children and kind of important!

Well, within reason - there was a thread a while back where the OP was trying to arrange a girls weekend/uni reunion in London and one of the participants wanted to bring her teenage daughter with her!

TractorAndHeadphones · 24/11/2021 08:30

OP there’s no excuse for her to bring the girl - she’s 15 and doesn’t need childcare.
Tell her you’ll see her alone later and go to the play yourself, so your friend can go with her daughter.
You don’t need people to see a play with anyway it’s not a concert

TractorAndHeadphones · 24/11/2021 08:31

*gig not concert

Grayskelly · 24/11/2021 08:37

Would it be feasible for the DD to come to the theatre then go home (maybe friend's DH can collect) so you can both go out after.
Your friend and her DD probably got really close during the lockdown and your friend may be seeing her as a mate. It's still obviously not appropriate for her to come out, but it won't make much of a difference when you see the play.
Is it possible your friend is deliberately using her daughter to avoid a night out? Some people have become a bit anxious/agoraphobic over the last two years.

Holly60 · 24/11/2021 08:37

@Camembear

Be honest. “Do you mind if it’s just the two of us”

Your friend should understand.

Again, OP needs to be prepared for her friend to be honest back, and say that she wants her daughter to see the play.

You can’t force ANYONE to do what they don’t want to so you have to be prepared for an answer you won’t like. If OP is prepared for her friend to say she doesn’t want to go, then yes absolutely ask for the daughter not to go, but if it’s more important to OP to see play/her friend, with or without the daughter, then maybe she has to compromise …

Ionlydomassiveones · 24/11/2021 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DeepaBeesKit · 24/11/2021 08:42

Omg definitely not ok.

I'm picturing my mums face if I'd suggested going along with her meeting her friends when I was 15. She'd have told me unceremoniously to make plans with my own, your friend should do the same!!

Chocolatewheatos · 24/11/2021 08:42

I'd just reply "I thought we were going for drinks too?" See what she says .

JustYourAverageSue · 24/11/2021 08:43

Can you just say that you've already booked the two tickets, and if you book a third then the seat won't be next to your current ones? Then offer her the option of buying the two tickets off you for her and her daughter to go, or the two of you going together as originally planned.
Obviously if she decides to take her daughter then you'll need to go to the effort of buying the tickets still.

Cocomarine · 24/11/2021 08:48

“I was looking forward to a proper catch up after as it’s a short show, so shall I get the 3 tickets and we look for another night for just the 2 of us? Will be lovely to see D though!”

You want to see the play anyway, and if you actually find want a proper catch up, it will be nice to have an evening that isn’t half used you by the play.

Lovesacake · 24/11/2021 08:48

I had similar recently, 4 of us arranged to have dinner together, turned up to find there were 5 of us as one had brought her teenage daughter. We meet 3 or 4 times a year and this hasn’t happened before so totally unexpected. No one said anything but it definitely changed the dynamic of the evening. We spent a lot of time discussing GCSEs and not much time discussing our personal lives as we usually would!

ArrrMeHearties · 24/11/2021 08:53

I'd go and see the play myself and tell friend she can go see it with her dd if she's so desperate to include her

Original poster
almahart · 24/11/2021 08:56

It's the headspace that this takes up that pisses me off the most. And the thoughtlessness. Would you like to come with me and my dd to see a play is one thing. I could say yes or I could say no. No problem. Can you book my dd a ticket for something we had already discussed puts me in a different position.

I have a list of things to organise. This one should have been simple and enjoyable and now is a pita.

The play has a short run, I can't do any other evening (cos childcare).

OP posts: