Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

@Harddecisionhelp

I would just send 'would you mind terribly if it was just us? I was really looking forward to seeing you and having a child-free night so we can chat properly.' It's honest and I would understand completely if I received this reply.

This. Polite and clear.

15 year old will be glued to her phone. You'll hardly notice she's there and she won't want to listen to your chatter. Just crack on as usual.

Or buy ticket for your friend's daughter a few rows away from you guys as "sorry they'd all sold out in our row....."

As a mum of 3 I really don’t understand why woman want to bring along there kids and teenagers to adult nights out. Yes I am sure they are lovely kids etc but it changes the dynamic and means private conversations can’t be had. If mum wants to take her daughter let them go together maybe offer to meet her at a bar another night.

I don't think this has to take up headspace and honesty is the best policy just text and say you were looking forward to an adult catch-up so would she mind if it was just you two this time? - if I were your friend I'd understand totally and say no more about it. Job (hopefully) done.

I would either say I'd already bought 2 tickets, because you were going to go anyway and she was the first person you asked.

Or I would say that you were looking forward to a childfree evening including going to a bar after and not having a curfew, so is someone able to pick up her DD from the theatre?

How about "Well I have childcare that evening, so would prefer no children", just buy the two tickets and crack on, if she had already agreed.

15 year old will be glued to her phone. You'll hardly notice she's there and she won't want to listen to your chatter. Just crack on as usual

This is hardly the point. It’s not OK to invite your children along to an event with adult friends. It’s like having a “ girls night” and someone bringing their DH. My friend is very sweet and very often asks if I want to bring my DD9 along to events we go to ( dance shows) and I have once but mostly I decline. I’m there to see my friend and hang out and having kids around, even teenagers puts you in “mum” mode and quite frankly I get enough of that the rest of the time. Adults are allowed their own social life. I’m pretty sure the 15 year old wouldn’t want her mum tagging along when she’s out with her own friends.

@shrunkenhead

15 year old will be glued to her phone. You'll hardly notice she's there and she won't want to listen to your chatter. Just crack on as usual.

Not every teenager is like that for Gods sake, especially the kind who wants to go to plays! My daughter loves the grown up chat, in fact she prefers it to her peers. But of course I have boundaries around that and would never bring her in the scenario described..

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal, When you meet her don't say anything about it, If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."

Why are people laughing at this?

It's not funny or clever.

You would have your friend think you told her not to bring her daughter because you wanted to speak to her about paint, and it was too personal for her daughter to hear?

The friend would think you were either really weird or a selfish, self obsessed cow.

MN really is another world sometimes.

You can say no but honestly it doesn’t make you look like a particularly good friend. People have kids, since her daughter is older she probably wants to do a bit more girlfriendy stuff with her. Your basically saying your a very fair weather “friend” who isn’t interested in her family or being part of her life. Which is fine, just don’t be surprised if she isn’t interested in that kind of friend.

You say she’s selfish, but what your doing comes of selfish to me, sorry.

@Divebar2021

I think the point is probably that the Mum wants to have a adult night (up to a point) with her daughter who is near adulthood. Many mothers and daughters have that kind of relationship were they can talk about adult stuff - but it starts in the teens it doesn’t just come out of nowhere once they’re 25.

If the play has a short run maybe she wasn’t meaning to be thoughtless but just didn’t want her daughter to miss out on seeing it.

If you are good friends couldn’t you explain that you really need some adult time catching up without any kids or teenagers? See if you can both arrange that at another time or she might say that she’s ok with just both of you going and leaving teenager at home. Or there could be a compromise after the play she’ll send 15 year old home in a cab and you two can stay out and have that adult time.

Maybe she doesn’t realise how you feel so honest conversation will clear things up.

This has come up before; there was a thread where a significant number of posters said it would be fun to have the teenage DD along and one fairly well known poster saying she invited her DD to everything as they had such a good relationship 🤔 !

I’ve had friends do this since their kids turned 14/15 they treat them like adults and want them included in adult themed conversations. I’ve also got a friend who won’t meet up without her husband or young adult DD in tow (although again there was a thread about women always wanting to bring male partners to “ladies night” type events and again quite a few posters saying what’s the harm, poor lonely hubs that sort of thing). Why do some people always have to have a “hench”?!

@shrunkenhead

15 year old will be glued to her phone. You'll hardly notice she's there and she won't want to listen to your chatter. Just crack on as usual.

But her ears would prick up at the first mention of anything interesting.

You can't have a proper private conversation with someone's child sitting there.

@TarasCrazyTiara

You can say no but honestly it doesn’t make you look like a particularly good friend. People have kids, since her daughter is older she probably wants to do a bit more girlfriendy stuff with her. Your basically saying your a very fair weather “friend” who isn’t interested in her family or being part of her life. Which is fine, just don’t be surprised if she isn’t interested in that kind of friend.

You say she’s selfish, but what your doing comes of selfish to me, sorry.

Are you for real? Just because I am friends with someone doesn't mean I want to or should have to embrace all their kith and kin on my precious evenings out. If she wants to do girlfriendy stuff with her daughter, let them do a spa day (sorry, couldn't resist). I can care about my friend and by extension her family without having to accept them as a package on any and every occasion.

I think the issue here is that OP regards the play as an opportunity to catch up with her friend, whereas the friend is viewing it mainly as a chance to see the play that her DD is also interested in watching.

Hence why I see the middle ground as agreeing that the three of them go to the play together and asking for another adult only meet.

Can you imagine a 15 year old's face if she had plans with her friends and one of the mums invited herself along?

@theleafandnotthetree

I’m very much for real. Like I said, you can be very casual friends with someone and not want anything to do with their family - but that’s not a “friend” many people would be too interested in having. Her daughter is nearly a woman - what happens if they go out all the time together? It’s not like there’s endless hours in the day to go out with daughter and friends separately. Should the mother simply refuse to take her daughter anywhere because her friends can’t be arsed with her?
Those are the kinds of friends I’d be happy to do without.

@TarasCrazyTiara

You can say no but honestly it doesn’t make you look like a particularly good friend. People have kids, since her daughter is older she probably wants to do a bit more girlfriendy stuff with her. Your basically saying your a very fair weather “friend” who isn’t interested in her family or being part of her life. Which is fine, just don’t be surprised if she isn’t interested in that kind of friend.

You say she’s selfish, but what your doing comes of selfish to me, sorry.

Are you serious?

Just because my friends have kids, it doesn't mean they have to tag along to meetups, or that I have to grin and bear it when plans are suddenly changed to include teens. I also don't have to "be part of their life" by accepting that. I'm not friends with their kids.

Such bollocks.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@theleafandnotthetree

I’m very much for real. Like I said, you can be very casual friends with someone and not want anything to do with their family - but that’s not a “friend” many people would be too interested in having. Her daughter is nearly a woman - what happens if they go out all the time together? It’s not like there’s endless hours in the day to go out with daughter and friends separately. Should the mother simply refuse to take her daughter anywhere because her friends can’t be arsed with her?
Those are the kinds of friends I’d be happy to do without.[/quote]
Ok, I'll bite. Presumably this 15 year old lives with her mother so you know, gets to spend time with her then. And presumably has her own social life. My son is 15 and the thought of me having to take him anywhere, incorporate him into my social life is frankly bizarre. I'm his mother, not best friend in training. If I was meeting friends 7 nights a week then maybe a child would occaionally come along. But most people that I know are out one, maximum two evenings a week with friends. There is plenty of time for family around that, maybe too much after this bloody Covid pandemic.

If you can’t catch up without talking about your sex life or constantly swearing than the issue is you not your friend.
If that wasn’t going to be part of the catch up conversation then there is no issue. Either way your friend isn’t at fault.

The point is she’s not a child really and soon will be a grown woman. Lots of mothers and daughters have close relationships as adults and do things together - no not always in the same friend group but lunches and get together so here and there with each other’s friends are normal for many and not in any way awkward.

Obviously your son isn’t interested in being your girlfriend but that’s totally different as he’s your son.
People kids don’t stay children forever, but they’re still their kids - this kind of thing is normal and good. But nobody’s making you do it if you don’t want to. Just be aware that many will be put off by you not wanting to and probably won’t see that type of “friendship” as particularly meaningful to them.

Honestly you probably won’t even notice she’s there if she’s a typical teenage girl. I say that because my friend does this all the time, without even telling me, we’ll arrange a coffee/dinner catchup and her 16yo just shows up, then proceeds to look at her phone the entire time occasionally stopping to take photos of the food/drink then back into her phone she goes without paying us the slightest bit of attention.

Or @Brainfogmcfogface she might be the other school of teenager which believes that adults are desperate to hear her opinions on things and like to be the focus of conversation, or she could spend the time talking only to the DM.
I mean chances are she will be fine, but it does alter the flavour of the evening.