Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

[StaplesCorner]

@TarasCrazyTiara

The point is she’s not a child really and soon will be a grown woman. Lots of mothers and daughters have close relationships as adults and do things together - no not always in the same friend group but lunches and get together so here and there with each other’s friends are normal for many and not in any way awkward.

Obviously your son isn’t interested in being your girlfriend but that’s totally different as he’s your son.
People kids don’t stay children forever, but they’re still their kids - this kind of thing is normal and good. But nobody’s making you do it if you don’t want to. Just be aware that many will be put off by you not wanting to and probably won’t see that type of “friendship” as particularly meaningful to them.

Yeah you see now that's what I was saying earlier - people do genuinely believe this, as we can see from @TarasCrazyTiara's earnest posts.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@TarasCrazyTiara

The point is she’s not a child really and soon will be a grown woman. Lots of mothers and daughters have close relationships as adults and do things together - no not always in the same friend group but lunches and get together so here and there with each other’s friends are normal for many and not in any way awkward.

Obviously your son isn’t interested in being your girlfriend but that’s totally different as he’s your son.
People kids don’t stay children forever, but they’re still their kids - this kind of thing is normal and good. But nobody’s making you do it if you don’t want to. Just be aware that many will be put off by you not wanting to and probably won’t see that type of “friendship” as particularly meaningful to them.

Out of maybe 15 good friends I have one who I descrbed in another post whose daughter always hangs out in the house but even she doesn't bring her to meet-ups. Nobody I know judges their friends or measures the quality of friendship based on whether they want to hang out with their children. Quite the opposite! I have friends of all ages and stages, some of whom arent mothers of course and we all love to meet up as just us, talk freely, enquire after each others families of course but we are individuals first and foremost. You do you in terms of your approach but I suspect it is an unusual one.

[Thehop]

“Is there any chance you and dd could go out another night? I’ve only got a sitter for that Thursday and am soooo looking forward to a drink and catch up child free”

[DottyHarmer]

Gosh, yes, the “confident” teenager. It’s good of course to have self-confidence, but some are rather bumptious, and it is teeth-grindingly annoying to have to sit and be “teen-splained” about a topical issue (about which you of course are hopelessly ignorant and out of date….).

Or the rude teen who whispers to their mother all the time, or talks about Ella from school and Mrs Smith the Art teacher and the History homework, whilst you smile politely and wish you’d stayed at home to cut your toenails.

[1FootInTheRave]

I couldn't be mates with someone who thought their kids were wanted at what was planned as an adult evening.

Rude and self absorbed.

No one wants teenage hangers on. No matter how confident and chatty they are. Actually, they're the worst.

[Happenchance]

15 is a difficult age. She could be depressed and in need of a distraction or her mother may be worried that she could harm herself whilst she is out.

I would include her this once, and ask her mother if she is OK.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@Happenchance

15 is a difficult age. She could be depressed and in need of a distraction or her mother may be worried that she could harm herself whilst she is out.

I would include her this once, and ask her mother if she is OK.

Seriously?

[Divebar2021]

I think the point is probably that the Mum wants to have a adult night (up to a point) with her daughter who is near adulthood

That’s lovely - she’s free to have many, many evenings with her daughter. It’s isn’t ok to shoehorn her into someone else’s plans however. It doesn’t even sound like she asked “ would it be ok to bring DD along - she would love to see this play” she just asked the OP to get a ticket. It doesn’t matter what OP may want to discuss she’s entitled to an evening out without a child earwigging. I’m sure there are plenty of other social events when she’d be most welcome but not this particular one.

[almahart]

It's not that I'm completely desperately in need of a big one to one with this friend. It's just a bit annoying.

Anyway, because I want to see the play I've got the tickets and I will just have a quick drink with them in the theatre bar beforehand.

[Happenchance]

@theleafandnotthetree It’s not outside of the realms of possibility. The millennium cohort study found that 7% of children have attempted suicide by the age of 17 and 24% have self-harmed: www.theguardian.com/society/2021/feb/21/uk-17-year-olds-mental-health-crisis

[SarahBellam]

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@theleafandnotthetree

I’m very much for real. Like I said, you can be very casual friends with someone and not want anything to do with their family - but that’s not a “friend” many people would be too interested in having. Her daughter is nearly a woman - what happens if they go out all the time together? It’s not like there’s endless hours in the day to go out with daughter and friends separately. Should the mother simply refuse to take her daughter anywhere because her friends can’t be arsed with her?
Those are the kinds of friends I’d be happy to do without.[/quote]
I’d be happy to be without the kind of friends who think I am interested enough in their cherub to spend the whole evening going to plays and drinking cocktails with them. If I took my 15yo DD we’d end up talking about GCSEs, her sports, her sporting injuries, Hollister, mocks, which college to choose…I’m interested in all these things, but my friend won’t be, and I wouldn’t be particularly interested in her 15yo DS yapping on about similar. A chat is fine but a whole evening with someone else’s kid? No thanks.

[Ubiquery]

I was completely on your side and was going to suggest you reply, “I thought it was just the two of us without the children”. But then you wrote, It's not that I'm completely desperately in need of a big one to one with this friend. It's just a bit annoying. and I wonder what the problem is.

[EnidFrighten]

Go and see the play together and ask for another time when the friend can have drinks with just the two of you.

You never know, seeing the play and having a chat about it with adults might have a lifelong impact on the 15 yo.

I find it weird how there are loads of threads on here saying 'it takes a village, we're not meant to raise kids alone' etc but then at the first suggestion that an adult might be in the company of someone else's child, it's the most terrible thing ever and an unreasonable thing to even contemplate.

[Wondergirl100]

You could have said - would love to catch up with you without kids, should we do that this time or meet for a drink another time?

[RAFHercules]

Are you absolutely sure that this friend doesn't see you as someone who is quite needy ( you said you have a LOT on your plate at the moment) and is bringing her daughter along to keep the conversation light and avoid having to counsel you?

I'm not saying this is the case at all, it's just the only scenario I can imagine that I might drag a 15year old along (other than the 15yr old cant be trusted to be left alone).

[Feedingthebirds1]

It sounds like to her the point of going out to is to see a play, so it makes no difference if there's a 15 yo sitting quietly in the next seat enjoying the play. Whereas you aren't centring the play as the whole of the evening but building up plans before and after as being just as much a part of it.

Have you had any discussion with her about before and after, or have you just assumed?

[Sparklesocks]

YANBU, it changes the dynamic - does the 15 year old even want to hang out with her mum and her mum's mate?

[Neurodiversitydoctor]

15 is a difficult age. She could be depressed and in need of a distraction or her mother may be worried that she could harm herself whilst she is out.

I would include her this once, and ask her mother if she is OK.

Seriously?

Today 13:23Divebar2021

I am a mother of a 15 yo Dd and work with this age group. This was my first thought too.

[TwinklyBranch]

@RAFHercules

Are you absolutely sure that this friend doesn't see you as someone who is quite needy ( you said you have a LOT on your plate at the moment) and is bringing her daughter along to keep the conversation light and avoid having to counsel you?

I'm not saying this is the case at all, it's just the only scenario I can imagine that I might drag a 15year old along (other than the 15yr old cant be trusted to be left alone).

Was going to say this too - your friend doesn't want to listen to you going on about your problems so she's bringing her daughter as a buffer.

[julieca]

Anyone bringing a daughter along as a buffer isn't a proper friend.
I would get the third ticket. But a repeat would just mean I wouldn't meet up anymore.

[mamaoffourdc]

I would just say, actually I really need an evening away from kids and a drink or 2 with you x

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@TarasCrazyTiara - would you consider it equally reasonable for mums to tag along with their adult/nearly adult daughters when they were socialising with their friends? The same justifications you have given about close relationships between mum and daughter, and not much time for them to spend together in daily life etc would still apply - but surely most people would realise that it would change the dynamic of the dd’s relationships with her friends, and the tone of the meet up, if her mum tagged along. It would spoil the girl’s social life and friendships, if her mum always tagged along. Surely the same applies in reverse?

[StaplesCorner]

My DD has a serious mental illness, I simply don't go out - I certainly wouldn't take her with me! In fact I've had to cut contact with a lot of friends now I am a full time carer but in all the various parent support groups I am in NO ONE takes their child to an adult social event as a way of cheering them up or making sure they are safe, even if its possible for them. If I could take my DD out it would be just us two or us and her sister. I think saying the friend is bringing along the DD to cheer her up or make sure she is safe is disingenuous, and surely if that was really the case they would have said to the OP "DD is having a hard time, on this occasion would you mind very much if she came with us as I think it might help her?"

[BorderlineHappy]

I can't believe the ops friend is so unawares about bringing her teenage DD to an adult event.
I suppose the only saving grace is that she told you and didn't just turn up with her.

[RalphLaurenG]

I think that's massively selfish of her! Surely you would check with your friend BEFORE you bought tickets to see if they minded? You can't just randomly add another person to the trip, even if they are your daughter!!